by Rhonda James
I watch his feet move across the tiles in front of me, leading me through the door to Cassie’s room.
In spite of everything Dr. Ryan told me, nothing could have prepared me for what I see when I look into the battered and bruised face of the woman I love.
“I know this is a lot to take in. The best thing you can do is to be there for her. Hold her hand. Talk to her as if you’re having a normal conversation.”
“Will she be able to hear me?” I ask hopefully.
“I can’t answer that, either, but if she were my wife, I would talk to her as if she could. I’ve treated numerous patients who’ve reported they were aware of voices while under sedation, so anything is possible. Remaining positive is key. I know it’s hard right now, but I promise we’ll do everything we can for her.” He leaves the room, and I will my legs to guide me over to the bed.
The entire left side of her body is bruised and dotted with flecks of red. The left corner of her lip is split and coated in dried blood, and she has three stiches beneath her eye. There are tubes and wires that connect her to the monitors that are lit up with numbers and beep every few seconds. The tube down her throat sticks out about an inch past her unnaturally pale lips, and another tube connects it to a machine that makes a whooshing sound every time it moves up and down to help Cassie breathe.
Seeing her this way brings everything back. The harsh sound of the impact. Cassie screaming. The deafening silence. All of it crashes into me with brutal force, and the reality of what’s happening finally sinks in.
Guilt and grief overcome me, rocking every fiber of my being until I’m physically shaking and my head spins. My whole world is wrapped up in this woman. Every choice I’ve made, every breath I take, they’re all for her. Before Cassie came into my life, I never really understood what it meant to love with your whole heart. What it means to be fully alive. Cassie has taught me so much about life and love and following your heart. She taught me that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Cassie loves me unconditionally, and knowing that only makes me want to love her that much harder. She trusts me and trusts that I will always look out for her. Except this time. This time, I hadn’t been looking out. I know the doctor said we need to remain positive, but that’s a little hard to do when the proof of my failure is lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life. Tears flood my eyes and the weight of my guilt becomes too much to bear, sending me to my knees beside the bed. Reaching blindly for her hand, I press it to my lips and tell her how very sorry I am for failing her.
CHAPTER TWELVE
B
I don’t know how long I’m on the floor sobbing before a nurse comes in and places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
“Beating yourself up isn’t the answer.” She speaks her words softly, and the way she says them tells me she’s been in the room with me for quite some time. “Sorry, I hope I didn’t startle you. I’m Nikki, and I’ll be Cassie’s nurse for the evening. How are you feeling? Are you okay?”
“Physically I’m fine, but emotionally I’m… I just feel so helpless. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this way before. She depended on me, and I wasn’t there when she needed me most.”
“That’s generally the case with accidents. They happen when least expected and most often when no one is there to help. My point is, you may not have been there for her when it happened, but you’re here now, and that’s what counts.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her before pulling myself up to my full height. “We’re getting married.”
Nikki smiles knowingly and nods. “Congratulations. When’s the big day?”
A chunk of hair lies across her cheek. Something inside me screams, because I know how much that annoys her, so I tuck it gently behind her ear before answering the nurse’s question.
“It was supposed to be June 17th.” My initial response is hesitant as if part of me is unsure if it will even happen, but then it’s as if the fog I’m in starts to dissipate and I hear the doubt in my own voice. Remain positive. The doctor’s words echo loudly in my ears. Right now, Cassie is in the fight of her life and she can’t do this on her own. She needs me to fight, too, and the only way I can do that is by remaining positive and trusting she’ll pull out of this.
“There are more relatives out there asking to see her. Do you mind if they come back?”
“No, I don’t mind.”
“I’m sorry, but there can only be two visitors in the room at a time. If you want, you can go back in the waiting room and send the next one back. After that, come back and sit with her, and I’ll have a blanket and pillow waiting in case you want to stay here tonight. Something about you tells me you’re not planning to leave her side.” She starts for the door but stops and turns back around while her hand remains on the door handle. “You know, Brantley, her vitals are strong. I can’t promise you that everything is going to work out, because that would be a little too much like me trying to play God. But deep in my heart I believe you’ll have your June wedding and I just know Cassie is going to be a beautiful bride.” With her gone, all I’m left with are the beeping of the monitors, the gentle whoosh of the ventilator, and an eerily silent Cassie.
Needing a moment away, I make my way back to the waiting room and find it filled with people who love Cassie. Her parents have arrived. My parents are here. Scott and Skylar. Derek and Laney. Hell, even Sebastian came. The only one missing is Jordan, and I know for a fact he’d be here if he still lived nearby. When I enter the room, they immediately bombard me with questions.
“How is she?”
“When can we go back?”
“What are the doctors saying?”
The questions come at me from all directions, and in my current mental state, I have a hard time keeping up. I do my best, filling them in on everything I’ve learned so far but defer some of the questions for the doctor to answer when he stops by later to check on Cassie. I’m also careful to advise them on what to expect when they enter the room. Her parents are the first to go back and return crying after fifteen minutes. I can’t imagine it was easy for them to see their daughter in that condition.
Hell, it’s not going to be easy for any of us. We all love her so much.
Derek and Laney are the last to go back, and right after they return, I see Dr. Ryan passing by the waiting room. I flag him down and introduce him to Cassie’s family before he brings everyone up to speed on Cassie’s condition. He assures them that all things considered, she’s doing remarkably well, then he encourages everyone to head home and get some rest. They reluctantly agree to leave, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ve already decided I’m not leaving until Cassie is released to go home with me.
Mom cries, and Dad pulls me in for an embrace and encourages me to have faith everything will work out. James and Melanie come over to hug me and remind me that Cassie is a fighter and that she’s going to pull through this and make a full recovery. Melanie’s words are spoken with a mother’s confidence and serve as the reminder I need. Cassie is strong, and she will get through this.
We will get through this together.
“Cassie loves you so very much, Brantley. Just last weekend she told me that she can hardly wait to be your wife. I promise you that nothing will stop my baby girl from walking down that aisle.”
Davis and Laney are next to offer hugs.
“You have to trust that she’s going to pull through this,” Laney whispers through her sobs. “I love you.” I mumble the words back to her.
“If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. No matter the time, I’ll be here. Love you, bro’. We’ll be back tomorrow,” Davis assures me.
Sebastian steps forward, and I can tell it’s taking everything he has to keep from falling apart. “I am so sorry. If she hadn’t been coming to pick me up, this never would have happened—”
“Hey, don’t say that. If anyone should be shouldering blame, it’s me. She asked me to take care of something for her, and I blew it off. Beat
ing ourselves up isn’t going to make her better. We need to be strong for her.”
“I’m not heading back to L.A. for a couple of days. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to come back and check on her.”
His concern is heartwarming, because I know how much Cassie looks up to him. “I’m sure that would mean a lot to Cassie. Thanks, man.”
Rivers is the last to leave, and when he finally looks up, I see that his eyes are red-rimmed. When his gaze meets mine, he crumbles. Back at the arena it had been his natural instinct to take charge and get shit done. He’d been my strength when I couldn’t stand on my own, and now it’s my turn to carry him.
“I thought I lost her. All I keep thinking about are all the times I haven’t been there for her when all she’s ever done is be the best sister a guy could ever ask for. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so scared.”
“Trust me, if anyone understands, it’s me. I feel utterly and completely helpless. Cassie has always expected me to look out for her, and I failed her.” I kneel in front of him in order to look him in the eye. “You know Cassie adores you. She’s never held any of that shit against you.”
His head falls forward and he scoffs. “That’s only because she has a heart made of gold. She’s never had a mean bone in her body. Brantley… She has to be okay.”
“I know, and she will be,” I say, hoping like hell my words are able to convince us both.
Now that everyone has gone home, I make my way back to intensive care and quietly approach her bed. I notice that nurse Nikki has left a blanket and pillow folded up on the windowsill, just as she promised me she would. Looking over at the reclining chair in the corner, I grab the blanket and shuck my shoes before opting to curl up next to Cassie on the right side of the bed. Very carefully, I press my ear to her chest and weep openly when I hear the strong sound of her heart beating. I can honestly say it’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard; not because of the melody it’s playing, but because that sound is Cassie’s battle cry screaming out as if to say I’m alive!
“I miss you so much. Come back to me, Dimples.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CASSIE
Something’s wrong. Everything is fuzzy and I feel as if I’m swimming underwater, only this water is unlike anything I’ve been in before. It’s thick and gelatinous, and no matter how fast I pump my arms and legs, I can’t seem to get anywhere. There’s a hazy light that surrounds me, but I can’t see anything in front of me and every once in a while, I hear voices, though I’m only able to make out fragments of what’s being said.
“Swelling on the brain.”
“Will she be able to hear me?”
“Congratulations.”
“Beautiful bride.”
“Come back to me, Dimples.”
What’s happening? Why can’t I see anything? What is that ringing sound in my ears? And how is it I can hear people but they can’t seem to hear my cries for help?
Everything goes dark and silence envelops me, pulling me back into a dreamlike state.
BRANTLEY
Three days have passed since the night of the accident. Cassie’s condition continues to remain stable. This morning Dr. Ryan reported that the latest MRI confirmed previous scans that showed no sign of bleeding or swelling on her brain. As of now, the dark purple bruises are the only indicator that something serious occurred, other than the breathing tube, but her vitals are good and he wants to try taking her off the ventilator and see if she can breathe on her own.
I haven’t left the hospital since the night of her accident. I can’t bear the thought of her waking up and me not being there for her. She’s bound to wake up and be confused about where she is and what she’s doing here. I want to be the one holding her hand when the news is delivered.
When Rivers stopped by last night, he brought a gym bag with a change of clothes, deodorant, and a toothbrush. Nurse Nikki showed me where I could shower, and it felt good to stand under the hot water and pretend it could wash away the events of the last three days. Sort of like an emotional cleansing.
God knows I could use that right about now.
After my shower, I walk down to the lobby to grab a coffee, and while there, I spot an entertainment magazine on one of the tables in the lobby. Sebastian Miles is on the cover and there’s an article inside that talks about his music and what it’s like being a new father. I grab it with the intention of reading the article to Cassie later this afternoon. With any luck, she’ll be awake and will hear me; even if she can’t, that hasn’t stopped me from talking my fool head off. To be honest, talking to her has been very cathartic. Communication has never been a problem between us. Hell, even when we were first texting and I had no idea who she was, we talked as if we’d known each other for years.
It’s funny when I think back on those early days of our friendship. Even back then I couldn’t go a day without talking to her. That’s why this is so hard. She’s become such a permanent fixture in my life I’ve forgotten how to be me without her.
Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Ryan said they would try removing the ventilator sometime this morning, so when I exit the elevator, I’m not surprised to find Rivers and his parents waiting in the ICU waiting room.
Cassie’s parents are pretty religious and active in their church back home in Chicago, so before the medical staff arrives, Melanie takes me by the hand and says a prayer for Cassie, the doctors, and the procedure they are about to perform. My parents were never big churchgoers, but every summer they would send Chris and me to vacation bible school for a week. After I got older, I attended a few services here and there, but those were mostly during the holidays. Even though I don’t practice a specific religion, I have found myself praying to God on more than one occasion during the last three days.
By the time Dr. Ryan and his team enter the room, we are anxious to see if this is a success. He introduces his staff then goes on to describe what they will be doing.
“I’ll disconnect this hose from the intubation tube and monitor to see if she takes a breath on her own. Sometimes it takes a moment, so don’t be alarmed. If she doesn’t take a breath, I’ll reconnect the ventilator and we will try again tomorrow.”
While he is talking, a nurse goes about removing the two small clips that keep the tube in place. When he disconnects the hose, we hear a small whoosh of air escape, and for a second I think she’s already breathing on her own, but Dr. Ryan shakes his head. Seconds tick by without anything happening, and I find myself holding my own breath while I anxiously wait.
Just when I fear it’s not going to happen, Cassie’s chest slowly rises and her first breath blows back through the intubation tube.
“She did it! She’s breathing!” I look over and see Melanie crying, so I pull her in for a comforting hug while the doctors and nurses check her vitals.
Melanie lets out a shaky sigh. “Dear Lord, thank you.”
“Is she awake?”
“Not yet, Brantley. Give it some time. Right now, her vitals are strong. The nurse will remain in here to monitor her oxygen output and watch for any changes. If Cassie continues breathing freely, we’ll come back and remove the intubation tube.”
Melanie’s prayers are answered, because less than three hours later, the tube is removed and her breathing has improved significantly, though she has yet to open her eyes. Dr. Ryan assures us this is normal and may take a while before she fully wakes up, but for the life of me, I can’t bring myself to stop staring at her. I want my face to be the first thing she sees, because I want her to know she’s not alone.
Several hours pass without any change. The others have gone home for the evening, while I continue holding her hand and reading her the article from the magazine I picked up. I continue reading until the sun goes down then press my lips to hers and kiss her good night for the first time in more than a week.
“I miss you so much. Come back to me, baby,” I whisper before curling up beside her and falling asleep.
CASSIE
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The room is bright, perhaps a little too bright, because it really hurts my eyes. I squeeze them shut, effectively blocking out the sun’s glare. My first reaction is to ask someone to close the curtains, but there’s no one around for me to ask. At least no one I can see, but that’s questionable because right now, I can’t see much of anything.
I feel groggy, the left side of my face hurts, and I’m not sure where I am. My head and body both ache as if I’ve just awakened with the worst hangover ever. There’s a faint beeping sound coming from somewhere in the room that seems to increase in volume the longer I stay alert. I try opening my eyes once more, but I do it a little more slowly this time, and as my eyes adjust to the brightness, I spot the source of that incessant beeping. Is that an IV pole? My eyes follow a small tube that runs from a bag that’s hanging on the pole and stops at my forearm. Why am I hooked up to an IV? Wait a minute…
Am I in a hospital?
What happened to me?
The mattress shifts, and then someone beside me moans. I glance around the room and, as if I wasn’t already confused, my eyes open wider to find Brantley sleeping next to me on the cramped bed. I’m not sure what either of us is doing here, but I know he can’t be comfortable in that position; he’s far too big and practically falling off the edge.
Like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn to him, and he stirs when my fingers come in contact with his soft hair. I’m not sure why, but my throat is raw and it hurts when I try to clear it, but I need him to wake up so he can tell me why I’m here. I try again and this time, the sound I produce is enough to make him open his eyes and look around. When he finally lifts his gaze to my face, he’s so startled he actually shakes his head and springs upright in bed.