A Little Ray Of Sunshine

by Lani Diane Rich

  Danny laughed. We turned the corner, navigated our way to aisle seven, plumbing supplies. I darted into the aisle to grab the tape so Danny wouldn’t have to bother navigating the big cart with all the wood into the aisle. I was just turning around to ask him if I had the right kind when he put his hand to his chest and crumpled to the ground.

  If you don’t give the heart what it wants, it’ll keep asking for it. Until it stops.

  —Lilly Lorraine as Trudy Mayer in Heavens to Betty, ABC After-school Special, April 1976

  Eleven

  I don’t remember there being any sound in the store, just my own heartbeat as I knelt next to Danny, holding his hand, waiting for the ambulance. He kept insisting he was fine, but I could tell by the clammy feel of his hand and the lack of color in his face that he wasn’t. While we waited, I kept glancing up at the aisle marker board, reading “7—Plumbing Supplies” over and over again, feeling that if I did that enough, I’d be able to somehow turn back time and this would never, ever happen.

  The paramedics came and strapped him to a gurney. I rode in the ambulance with him, his eyes keeping contact with mine over the oxygen mask, telling me that we were all overreacting, it was nothing, he was fine. I held his hand in the bumpy ride over, all the way into the emergency room. Doctors and nurses tended to him, and then wheeled him away for tests. I stood in the hallway behind the red line they told me I couldn’t cross, and watched until they turned the corner and disappeared.

  I have no idea how long I stood there, staring. I had the impression of people rushing past me, but I was inside a little bubble that froze when Danny was wheeled out of my sight, and I didn’t come out of it until I heard my mother’s voice.

  “Danny Greene,” she was saying to the nurse at the admitting desk. “I’m here for Danny Greene.”

  I didn’t rush over to her. I knew I should have, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the calm and safety of my bubble. I just turned and watched her from afar, my brain registering that she must have gotten the message I’d left on the house machine.

  She really should get a cell phone, I thought from inside the bubble. How can someone exist these days without a cell phone?

  Mom stood with her arms hugged around her waist, waiting for the nurse to give her information. Behind her, Jess gently rubbed her back between her shoulder blades. Mom leaned forward and talked to the nurse, and then Digs and Luke rushed in. Jess leaned close and spoke to them, and they must have wondered where I was at that moment, because they all looked up and started glancing around the ER.

  I darted out of the bubble, past the red line, into the corridor, and leaned up against the wall, my breathing shallow and my heartbeat thready. If it wasn’t so pathetic, it would have been laughable, how similar this panic was to another one I had so long ago.

  I can’t do this, I thought, just as I had back then. I can’t do this.

  “Ma’am?”

  I looked up to see a tall nurse with blond braids staring down at me, her eyes kind.

  “You’re in a restricted area. Are you here for treatment?”

  “No,” I said. “My... um... friend was brought in, but... there are other people here for him now. Better people. So I’m just gonna...”

  I hitched my finger over my shoulder, stumbled as I stepped backward over the red line, and glanced around the ER. They were all gone, and as if on time delay, I heard in my head the doctor’s voice from earlier echoing in my head, telling me that they’d be moving him to a private room after the tests. Everyone had probably gone to the waiting room on that floor, which made sense. It made sense that they should be there when the tests came back. When the doctor came in and told them that they did everything they could, but—

  “Ma’am?” the nurse behind me said. I glanced back at her, and she looked concerned. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I’m just gonna go sit over there and wait.”

  I turned on my heel and walked into the waiting room, where I sat, unmoving, for seven hours.

  It’s amazing how numb your butt can get in an ER waiting room. I spent my time re-forming my bubble, watching absently as person after sick person shifted and readjusted, trying to get feeling back in their asses as they waited for their names to be called. I got up and paced every now and again, but I found the bubble was stronger when I was still, so I mostly stayed still.

  Then I saw Luke. He was walking down the hall, punching numbers into his cell phone, his face concerned. I swallowed hard, watching him.

  Danny was dead. I knew it. Danny was dead and Luke was trying to find me and tell me and if I just stayed still, then he wouldn’t see me and I could live for a little while longer in a world that had Danny in it.

  Then Luke stopped suddenly, hesitated, and glanced my way. My heart jumped around in my chest as he stalked toward me, and all I could think was, No. No, no, no, no, no.

  “Eejie?” he said softly. “Where have you been?”

  I blinked hard, regained my focus, and found the strength somewhere to push myself up from my seat. “Um. You know. Here.”

  His eyebrows knit and he looked around. “We’ve been calling your cell all afternoon.”

  “Oh. Yeah. I had to turn it off.” I motioned toward the wall with a picture of a cell phone with a big red X over it. “Hospital rules.”

  Luke glanced at the sign, then back at me. “You’ve been here? All afternoon? It’s almost eight o’clock.”

  I nodded. I must have looked like hell, because there was no trace of anger or tension in his eyes, only deep concern.

  “Hey. Are you okay?”

  I shook my head and my breath caught in my throat. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”

  “Who? Dad?” Luke motioned vaguely over his shoulder and looked at me like I was nuts. “No. He’s playing Scrabble with Lilly. He played q-o-p-h on a triple word score and Lilly sent me out to get a dictionary.”

  “Oh.” A cold rush ran over my body and I started to shake. “Oh. Okay. Okay.”

  I blinked and tears jumped out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks. A sob escaped me, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Luke touched me gently on the arm.

  “Eejie, he’s fine. He has some kind of reflux, which caused the chest pain, and that made him weak for a minute. They’re going to keep him tonight for observation to be on the safe side but tomorrow he’s going home with a glorified bottle of Tums. He’s fine.”

  “He slumped down.” I sniffled and tried to control the rising wave of emotion in my chest, to limited results. “He just... he stopped.”

  “Hey.” Luke put both hands on my shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay. He’s okay.”

  “He went down,” I said, my voice high and squeaky and panicked. “He just stopped. And I couldn’t hear anything and I couldn’t do anything and—”

  “Look at me.” His voice was firm and he shook my shoulders gently as he leaned his face into my line of vision. “He’s fine, Eejie. He’s gonna be just fine.”

  “I couldn’t handle it, Luke. It was just like before. I was so useless.”

  I could see in his expression that he was making the same connections between this and what had happened all those years ago that I had.

  “Eejie...” he started, but I held my hand up to stop him. There was no way I could talk about that, not now.

  “Don’t. Please.” I waved my hands in front of my face, trying to fight the tears, but all that came out was a pained whine. I knew there was no way I was getting out of there without breaking into hysterics, and I didn’t want to do that in front of Luke.

  “Danny needs you,” I choked out. “You should go.”

  “And do what?” he said. “Leave you here all by yourself until someone drags you off to the psych ward?”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I squeaked.

  He ran a hand down my arm. “Eejie...”

  “Please go,” I squeaked, and the weakened bubble finally burst. My chest heaved with crashing waves of sobs. Fea
r and shame and regret and loss ran through me, rattling me at my core, entwined with each other until I had no idea what was killing me more.

  Luke pulled me into his arms and ran one hand over the back of my head and down my hair, his good intentions paving my road to hell as the hysteria got a thousand times worse. Someone in the background offered to get me a cup of water and Luke thanked her and sent her away, then kissed me on the top of the head and shushed me, but the tears at that point had become an unstoppable force of nature. After a few minutes, he lowered his mouth down next to my ear.

  “Eejie,” he said softly, “babe, you’re spooking the natives.”

  I snorted out a half laugh, half sob, and then a fresh wave hit me. I pulled back from him and someone nearby stuffed a tissue into my hand and I swiped with futility at the steady stream of tears running down my face.

  “I... can’t... stop,” I hiccupped. “I’m trying... I’m trying, I swear. I can’t— I can’t— I can’t—”

  Then Luke disappeared from the limited vision my swollen eyes allowed me. I felt his shoulder connect with my abdomen and after a rough bounce, I was upside down over his shoulder, looking down at the floor as we headed toward the doors of the emergency room. We passed by the admitting desk and Luke deftly swiped a box of tissues off the counter and handed them behind his back to me.

  “Thanks,” he said to the nurse as we passed, then turned his head toward me. “Don’t get snot on my jacket.”

  I glanced up at the nurse, a redhead in her forties who seemed nonplussed.

  “I’ll bring them back,” I said lamely.

  I swiped at my face with the tissues, my body jiggling to the rhythm of Luke’s gait as we made our way through the automated doors out into the balmy Oregon night.

  Luke paused at the edge of the sidewalk and my body pivoted with him as he looked both ways.

  “Okay,” I said. “It worked. I’ve stopped crying.” Mostly. “You can put me down, Luke.”

  Luke started across the street toward the parking area. “Not yet.”

  “Luke,” I said through my teeth, giving a casual wave-and-smile to a guy in scrubs who was watching us with a suspicious eye, “you can put me down now.”

  “I know I can,” he said, a smile in his voice, “I’m just not going to.”

  Just as I was about to lose consciousness, Luke set me down on the trunk of a car. I glanced behind me, saw the sign in front of the parking space that read, “15-minute pharmacy parking” and looked down to see a dark blue sedan I didn’t recognize.

  “Luke,” I said. “This isn’t your car.”

  Luke slid up onto the trunk next to me. “Nope. It’s not.”

  “This is temporary parking. They’re gonna be back.”

  “We’re not leaving until you’re okay.”

  “Luke, I’m fine. Really.” I forced a smile. “See?”

  He stared at me for a long moment, then chuckled and shook his head. “You are a country mile from fine. If fine was sunshine, you’d be Seattle. If fine was sanity, you’d be Michael Jackson. If fine was—”

  “I get it.”

  “—hair, you’d be—”

  “I get it.”

  “—Howie Mandel.”

  I smacked him on the knee. “Are you saying I’m mentally unbalanced?”

  “Are you saying you’re not?” he shot back.

  “No,” I relented. “But it’s still rude to point it out. It’s like seeing someone with a hook for a hand and saying, ‘Hey, there Hook Hand. How is it you haven’t gouged your own eye out yet? Amazing.’”

  “If you see someone with a hook for a hand, you should probably educate them on the wonders of modern prosthetics.”

  “Why? If they want to be all hook-handed, why can’t they be hook-handed? It’s their choice.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, his head shaking in wonder. “Why the hell would anyone want to have a hook for a hand when they don’t have to? They’ve got fake hands that are practically like real hands now.”

  “Really? They do? How do you know this? Are you a fake hand specialist all of a sudden?” I grabbed his right hand and lifted it up for inspection. “Is this a fake?”

  “I didn’t tell you I was bionic?” He tightened his hand into a fist and we both stared at it in mock wonder. “Beats a hook every day of the week and twice on Sundays.”

  “Wow. Can I ask you a question?”

  His eyebrows flickered up. “Shoot.”

  “When you move, do you get those awesome sound effects? Like ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaa.”

  Our eyes met. “Depends on the move.” He lowered his eyes, allowed a smile and a shrug. “Sometimes. When I moonwalk.”

  I laughed. “You moonwalk?”

  “My talents are strange and varied.” His smile widened, and my heart leapt. It was the old smile, the subtle, in-the-moment smile, the one that sprang from genuine feeling and not the forced need to be polite. Suddenly, he was Luke again, my Luke, and it was so good to see him that I felt tears springing to my eyes again and quickly looked away.

  “Wow. I have really missed out on a lot,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he said. “You really have.”

  I looked up and the smile was gone. New Luke was back, and suddenly the reality of the Big Mess I’d Made thickened the air around us. I heard the sound of a throat clearing, and my attention was yanked from Luke to a woman with a pharmacy bag in one hand and car keys in the other.

  “Hi,” Luke said, waving his bionic hand.

  “Um...,” the woman said.

  “Luke,” I scolded under my breath, then hopped off the car and looked at the lady. “Sorry.”

  “What?” Luke looked from me to the woman, then back at me. “This isn’t your car?” He hopped off, buffed the place where his butt had been with his lower arm, then smiled at the woman. “Sorry. She’s in treatment. Very severe psychological issues.”

  The woman glanced at me, then shrugged. “Okay.”

  She walked over to the driver’s side, and I waited for Luke to catch up to me before I started back toward the hospital. We walked in silence until we got to the elevators. He hit the up button and stepped back.

  “He’s in room 405,” he said.

  “What? You’re not...?” I motioned toward the elevators. Luke shook his head.

  “Dictionary. I’ll be back in a little while.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  He allowed one forced, stretched smile, then turned on his heel, tucked his hands in his pockets, and ambled down the hallway, his head lowered. I watched until he was out of sight, then remembered the box of tissues in my hand, and wandered out to find the redheaded nurse.

  I made my way up to room 405 to find that Mom and Danny had put away their Scrabble game. Danny laughed and held out his hand to me, making me come in for a kiss on the cheek.

  “This is my angel,” he said, smiling. “Saved me from a near-fatal case of indigestion.”

  “Danny.” Mom’s eyes were red-rimmed, but she managed a small smile. Danny reached his other hand out to squeeze hers.

  “Do I need to bring the doctor back in here to tell you all it was nothing?”

  “Oh, yes!” Jess said quickly, then winked at me. “Dr. Cummings was—hoo boy!” She fanned herself.

  Digs rolled his eyes, motioned to Mom and Jess. “These two practically fainted when he walked in. You missed out, EJ.”

  “Yeah,” I said, swallowing hard and forcing a smile. “I guess I did.”

  A half-hour later, visiting hours were over. Luke hadn’t returned, but I don’t think anyone was really surprised about that. Digs agreed to bring me and Jess to get Danny’s car at the Home Depot, and after some hugs and kisses, we were on our way. Jess kept up the conversation in the front seat with Digs, while I sat in the back and stared out the back window, feeling like I’d been hollowed out, left with nothing but a big whistling cavern inside. Although I had to admit, the whistling cavern beat the maelstrom I’d been through
with Luke. At least I could breathe through the whistling cavern.

  After we switched cars, Jess kept pretty quiet, not saying anything until we were most of the way back to the house. Even then, she was quiet about it, leaving room for me to pretend I didn’t hear her.

  “You okay?”

  I paused for a moment, my eyes on the road and my mind in a million places. I didn’t have the energy to lie, but more than that, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to confess, and she was the closest thing to a priest that I had handy, so I started talking.

  “About six years ago, Luke’s doctor found a... thing at the base of his neck. I still don’t know what it was, exactly, but the doctors were worried that it might be cancer, and it was close to the spine, and that wasn’t good. He had to have surgery to take it out. He was great through it, of course, because he’s Luke. He joked about how good he’d look bald, never let it get him down. Or if he did, he sure as hell never let me see it.”

  I took a deep breath through my nose, exhaled through my mouth, and blinked hard until the road was clear again.

  “On the day he was going to go in to get the test results, I was supposed to meet him at the hospital, but I got there early. And as I sat in that waiting room, I just knew. I knew it was cancer, and I saw, in my head, the whole thing. How thin he would become. How much pain he’d be in. How long it would take and how hard it would be. And I knew he would die. I couldn’t deal with it.” I cleared my throat and forced myself to get out the next part, the real source of my powerful shame. “So I left the hospital and went home.”

  “Oh,” Jess said, and whether the disappointment I heard in her voice was real or imagined, I couldn’t tell.

  “It turned out to be nothing,” I went on. “Luke came home to find me freaked out and packing. And the thing was, he wasn’t even mad. He just got me a glass of wine and sat me down and we talked all night. He said that he understood, and that if the tables were turned, he might have done the same thing. Which was bullshit, but...” I sighed. I’d never told anyone this story before, and I was bad at it. “And then he asked me to marry him.”