You decide at this point if their reactions are going to demotivate you or spur you on to excel beyond your wildest dreams. If they belittle your approach and impose a drop of scepticism onto your dreams, because their sonar equipment hasn’t picked up on any soundwaves yet, you could lose your confidence and the courage to keep your ‘normal’ insight. Two silent submarines submersed in the depths of the ocean and one of you hasn’t detected the other’s full capabilities but you know each other’s vessel exists.
By now I am hoping you have oodles of confidence and courage to feel normal. It is time to take a printout of that normality graph, where X marks the spot, and put it in a frame. A certificate of achievement is awarded in recognition for perseverance, stamina, self-respect and quite frankly for not sitting back down when you felt those sea legs wobble once you reached dry land.
Whether you are in the theatre or on a submarine, you are your own ticket master. Buy a ticket, punch your own holes and keep that ticket with you for life. Don’t get to the end of your life and look at your ticket and think, “I haven’t got many holes in my ticket”. Imagine all of the things you could have done, places you could have been and events you could have influenced, all because you had the courage to be you.
Go ahead and have normal tattooed all over your body. It is, after all, your skin. Paint it, pinch it or parade it – but love it all the same.
C*O*N*T*R*O*L
The Double Acts
Is Control responsible for precision? A painter’s brush or a tradesman’s tool will, after practice, be used with precision to bring about a quality result, with a certainty that Control has been behind it all the time. When you see something being made or performed with precision, you can admire the amount of control which that person has had to maintain throughout.
If a baker is icing a cake using one of those piping bags, filled up to the brim with sugary gunge, that has to be held carefully at one end whilst keeping it elegantly poised at the other, I would expect them to have control over where they plan to squeeze! We hope that the surgeons who performed incisions with Confidence by their side would agree that an element of control was instrumental in using sharp equipment! They must each learn to have self-control even if these two occupations couldn’t be further apart from each other; although, surgical glue used to close wounds will need to be squeezed in the right direction to avoid a sticky situation.
Increasingly, it has come to my own attention that people don’t always handle the word control particularly well, especially when they hear it being thrown around at work. It can be open to interpretation and liven up a conversation. A conversation overheard in a corridor that includes the misunderstood word being batted around will lead to earwiggers wanting to know more about who is controlling whom or what is controlling what and Control is already under suspicion.
A lack of confidence in how to use and interpret the word control often explains why it can be a cause for contention. People tend to have selective hearing at the best of times and if we don’t listen properly to what is being said, we can miss the important bit of context in a sentence that gives the word the permission it needs to be used, without Guilt or Fear echoing in the background and having a field day.
There is a wider belief that it carries a negative connotation. I would argue that it isn’t the word itself that holds a negative connotation under its arm, swinging it from side to side simply to antagonise its hecklers in the front row. Although, I wouldn’t blame it for wearing a safety helmet everywhere it goes as it comes under attack. Control is another one of those words that can get a hard time! If it abandoned the English language because it was getting bullied off stage by political correctness, it would most likely end up being accused of going AWOL.
Control, in most contexts, can be good to have in moderation and, you could argue, at all times if we think back to that surgical procedure! Control is a reliable ally to have around until it gets forced to become part of a double act that pulls it in the wrong direction, for one reason or another. It is easily influenced. What do I mean by double act?
Well, Control is a balanced character until it is tipped over the edge by a partner in crime. It ambles along keeping the status quo, all by itself, until something or someone comes along and pushes it sideways and it has to react. The clutch fails and the car proves difficult to control; the extra glass of wine had her feeling ‘out of control’; he couldn’t control his temper once he found out the truth. Control is guided and can be easily led astray. When the clutch works fine the car is controllable; when she limited her wine intake she felt in control; when he was none the wiser, his temper was under control.
I am certain I didn’t have to spell out the explanation for you but I wanted to be clear. It will be great if you give thought to your own ideas. What or who is your partner in crime? We’ve all had those moments when we have experienced something or someone impacting on our ability to remain in control. This could be about self-control or about anything, really. Control generally misbehaves when it isn’t managed. I guess that’s why management control systems exist!
Control can be kind and confident. It can offer direction and be protective. It can give you the reassurance that someone knows what they are doing and when they take control of a situation they are able to lead. A person with self-control can often keep their emotions under control. Control doesn’t have to be a darker force that lurks around every corner, riddled with ulterior motives that can only imply that a hidden agenda lays dormant, waiting to jump out.
I like to see someone in control of their own person and I find it reassuring to know that Control can adapt. It works well when it is diluted with the softer side of Confidence to give rise to a charm, coated in just the right amount of authority that reflects a well-rounded personality that remains non-offensive and presentable. I think I have just described a personal advert for an internet dating site: ‘down to earth and dapper’! Where has he been all my life?
Using control to suit your own advantage, without disadvantaging other people, is an ideal balance. You look at that confident person walking into the room we spoke about a couple of sandwiches ago. The same person can enter a room feeling confident that he can manage the environment and his audience, yet is influential – if that is what he is expected to be. Let us assume it is a ‘he’ for now; the dapper gentleman is going to run a training course and needs to deliver a syllabus from start to finish. This uncanny James Bond lookalike that has swanned into the auditorium needs to remain in control of his session plan, deliver the activities in a calm and controlled fashion, and manage the different dynamics within the group. He needs to do all of this to bring about the desired result: a successful training session which is ultimately under his control.
If he didn’t stop talking and dictated every aspect of the session without allowing people to speak or have the time to explore their own learnings, in their own way, then it would be a controlling environment. The trainer would have too much control and may appear over-confident. Then the delegates are unlikely to enjoy the session or enjoy interacting with the trainer. In this case, the trainer may come under fire for reflecting a controlling behaviour mixed with arrogance. That’s a double act to avoid.
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Control and manage are two separate words, although the word manage is heavily appraised in the business world and often replaces the word control. Both words have an assertive personality, keeping them upright and standing to attention. They both have expectations of themselves and other people. Control likes to be in charge and is commanding; it commands your respect, even if it is undeserving. Manage sounds affable and engaging, and you want to get on the right side of it, just to make everyone’s life easier, but it has a warmer persona and invites you to challenge – even if you don’t end up getting your own way.
If you hold a managerial position, then how you manage a state of being in control is an art because you want to
demonstrate a fluid and empathetic approach towards your team players, but they are usually aware that ultimately, you are the one in control. You may not be able to fully control the end result, especially in the project arena, but the desired result will have been clarified from the start.
When we cannot manage things ourselves, do we look to someone else to take control of the situation or are we just looking for someone to help us, so we can manage a situation better? Depending upon what level of responsibility you have at work, I believe that the latter is encouraged, otherwise how do you learn to become a better manager? To manage doesn’t mean you are always in control as you may not be able to control all the variables that exist but influence other people to meet the collective set of objectives. This will be the plan, in order to bring about that desired result, as identified at the beginning.
Controlling other people won’t actually help you to achieve your goals at work either, unless you are totally happy with losing respect from your peers and go to bed each night with your ears burning. OK, so you met your target and will get the bonus. It is preferable to learn how to master a balance in our relationships at work and acquire a good set of management skills along the way, even if what you are really doing is learning to master self-control.
Micro-managing people to the extent they don’t perform so well will resonate with controlling behaviour. The idea that performing under pressure is good for you simply doesn’t work for everyone; it is usually only good for the person putting the pressure on, as they hope to manage a situation using control. Micro-managing is not attractive when you are shadowing an employee’s every move and breathing down their neck, although some people are not particularly good at managing themselves and find this quite helpful!
Learning a soft skill at work, in theory, is one thing but executing it in practice is completely different. Learning about leadership and then going on to become a good leader may take time. Saturating an atmosphere with learning interventions, and then expecting everyone to wear the same uniform upon completion, just gives the illusion that everyone knows what they are doing and talking about. “It’s alright… I’ve got it all under control!” are the cries frequently heard from the most recent graduates who are still finding their feet.
Control often sits behind closed doors and sometimes the ‘normal’ you have strived to attain is asked to be boxed during working hours. For some people it may be when they get home, after a day of freedom, that a controlling situation unfolds; their safe haven happened to be at work!
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When does Control get too big for its boots and become too heavy handed? If it set out to underpin leadership and turns the task into a dictatorship, I think Control needs to take some time out. Along our path we meet ‘controlling people’ and we find ourselves in situations that ‘feel controlling’ but often it is the situation itself that houses the control. We either allow ourselves to be controlled in a situation or we can end up taking control of a situation.
We use our free will to control and to challenge. Remember, we can snap the same strings that allowed Normal to break free from its constraints; it is possible to do the same with Control, when it is holding us back. This may not sound like an easy approach, although I believe it is the right one to explore, and requires a range of techniques and life practice to pull off. Sometimes we are aware that Control is bossing us around; yet, we don’t always know how to get that boot onto the other foot. This is the one that uses reverse psychology and can get you in a muddle if you are not particularly good at it!
Control can involve making demands that are not understood at the time, and some of us are expected to endure their repetition, even when they are not acceptable. One way to stay in control would be to assert power over another powerful individual and fight power with power but it isn’t a healthy approach. Just take a look at society as a whole. There is enough evidence lying around the globe to demonstrate that this doesn’t really work. If it is between two people, it doesn’t tend to make either of you feel better. Most likely, it is only one of you that would appear to be better at doing it.
Bullying is a form of control and influences people to do all manner of things that they don’t want to do. The power between two people or two groups of people is unbalanced and Control is having the upper hand. The power shifts and allows Control to thrive in one corner. The other corner begins to lose their confidence and as they become less empowered, they begin to withdraw and feel controlled emotionally.
These Emotional Sandwiches just offer perspectives; they don’t tell you how to get the food stains out when you spill the sauce after each bite, as everyone has a different idea of what it takes to do that. Bullies are like stubborn sauces; you know they have something in common with each other but need to be tackled slightly differently.
The impact of being repeatedly bullied and mentally tormented equates to nothing less than an emotional tumour moving in and taking up residence. Bullying can be equally as life-threatening as tumours that reside in a physical form, neither of which have been invited. Emotional squatters test your patience, push you to the edge and take up an exhausting amount of energy and the unsigned tenancy agreement just allows them to feed off your emotions, free of charge, as you strive to gain control. Those who don’t regain control may be tipped over the edge. They may find that exit hatch prematurely.
All forms of illness eventually hold hands with your emotions. You walk together on the rest of your journey, becoming better acquainted, wishing you had paid closer attention to some of those emotions before. If a parasite does take control over your body, you seek to remain in control of your emotions and challenge its arrogance every step of the way, fighting it with its own medicine, hoping it will back down into remission.
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Apart from making attempts to improve your carbon footprint with the view that future generations will thank you one day, controlling the weather (throughout the world) remains a fictional idea. The concept is reserved for film and TV where the bad guys are able to press a button to start or stop a hurricane.
You could find yourself in the midst of a tornado in real life and unless you are in a safe place, you will undoubtedly be swept away into the spiral of destruction which you cannot control. An uncontrollable situation took place, regardless of whether you could have chosen differently, had you heeded the warning to avoid stormy territory at that time of year. You were there and you were unable to control the events that unfolded.
Tsunamis and volcanic activity may find their way to your doorstep uninvited, and for the people living in these regions they may be unable to evacuate for emotional or physical reasons; or time wasn’t on their side. The residents will have been unable to control the arrival of a tsunami and when it does arrive, it can’t usually stop itself. Even the tsunami doesn’t have control of its own ability to engineer such catastrophe, as it is triggered off the back of other planetary factors. I expect it was building up momentum, probably feeling quite guilty of any outcome that was about to unfold.
A tidal wave was out of control. It will no doubt have been asking for forgiveness in advance, as it was surging towards shore, hoping you would manage your reactions when it finally hit. Alas, those it affected will be unlikely to have any sympathy, especially as its uncontrollable behaviour will have destroyed life and land. Only unconditional love for life and land will help people to make sense of their emotions and manage their reactions. Some people will feel out of control and others will find the strength to manage their reactions in order to help those who can’t. Grief will go about its job to start off the healing process. The sea will go back to being calm and the sun will come out. The events of the aftermath of force majeure and its uncontrollable behaviour will go on to restore balance.
As people, with the ability to think and feel, we have to be accountable and take responsibility, unlike our weathered companions. Our own self-control simply cannot go aro
und losing its sense of control whenever it feels like it; otherwise it will find company and enter into one of those double acts! The untrained coach within says, “Get a grip of yourself and find some self-control”; “Take back control of your life”; “Don’t give your power away and feel out of control”. I hear you, coach… it is all about control-control-control!
We talked about Control requiring a partner in crime in order to form a double act but not every co-worker is trespassing. Self-control is a discipline. When you have self-control and either manage yourself well in a situation or refrain from doing something you prefer not to do, then discipline has jumped on board. Control and Discipline forge a worthwhile partnership and self-discipline is formed as a result. If Control can be sedated and remain under the influence of something more favourable, that doesn’t involve being negative, then it can become victorious.
A productive double act can behave at its best when you surround yourself with people who are good for you. There is nothing more grounding for the soul than finding your natural state of happiness in the company of a good friend, colleague or family member, and Control performs well under the influence of your soulmates. When the two get together (unless you plan to behave out of control together) you are more likely to feel in good spirits. People can energise you and good people in your life can help to prevent you from spiralling out of control when darker days pipe up and drain your energy. Weary emotions and mood swings are reduced to a corner of the playground where no one wants to play and in time they move on as they become despondent.
It is interesting when you start to play around with this concept and look at your own reactions as you form a double act with the different fillings along your path; you can feel more or less in control of your life depending on the amount of each that is present.
Emotional Sandwiches Page 9