by Reni Huang
She felt Lexi give her arm an encouraging squeeze, and Julia nodded.
“I think I had a really self-centered perspective of who God was. Even though I knew in my head that He was my Creator, I still acted like He revolved around me, instead of the other way around. I thought it was His job to keep me happy, to give me what I wished for, and to make everything turn out the way I wanted. And when things didn’t turn out the way I expected them to, I felt like I had the right to throw a tantrum, to doubt Him. But now I see that I was so wrong in my thinking.”
The room fell silent, and after a moment Natalie said softly, “Thanks for being transparent with us. I think that’s really great God revealed so much to you. I know for myself, the closer I move towards God, the more humbled I am. And it’s not a bad thing. His glory is just so bright, that it shines on the dark places in our hearts and minds, revealing to us the areas we need to change, to be transformed.”
“Yeah,” Julia admitted. “That’s how I feel.”
“But it’s a very good thing,” Natalie insisted. “I think the day we say I’m perfectly like Christ, is the day we’ve completely fooled ourselves. That could never happen. God is too holy, too powerful, and just too completely awesome. There should always be room for more growth, you know what I mean? I think it would be very sad if we worshipped a small god, if it was easy for us to be like him. That’s not much of a god. But our God is great, so much greater than us. There must be more, no matter how strong of a Christian we become.”
Julia laughed self-consciously. “Well, I’m definitely nowhere close to being perfectly like Christ. I’m still figuring things out, but I think I’m learning how to …”
How to what, to not doubt God when her family is falling apart? To let go of the guy she loves because he belongs to someone else? To trust that if she just make the right decisions, to step out in faith even when it’s hard for her, that He would be faithful to protect her? To guide her, to lead her down the right path? How will everything turn out?
When Julia left her sentence unfinished, struggling for the right words, Lexi quickly jumped in and said for her, “Learning how to flap your wings.”
Suzy playfully shoved Lexi in the arm. “That is so cheesy.”
Julia laughed along with the other girls and shook herself out of her reverie. “No, Lexi’s right. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m learning.”
An hour later most of the girls headed back to campus. Julia and Gracie were washing up the utensils and serving platters stacked in the sink. Lexi and Suzy were sitting on the sofa laughing over the pictures in Natalie’s photo album from the previous year.
“Look at Mudd and Geoff in this picture,” Lexi laughed. Suzy tried to flip ahead, only interested in seeing more old photos of Rob, which she claimed were even cuter than current Rob.
“I can’t get over his hair,” Suzy was swooning over another photo of Rob. “Why did he cut it? I’m going to have to convince him to grow it out again next year.”
“Ok, I just found a couple more albums,” Natalie announced as she came out of her roommate’s bedroom. “Oh, girls, you didn’t have to wash the dishes!”
“It’s ok,” Julia smiled. “I’m used to it. Lexi cooks, I wash.”
“And we got a system down,” Gracie added, rinsing off the last of the dishes, “All done!” The girls left the kitchen and joined the others in the adjoining room.
Natalie was telling them a funny story about one of the pictures, when Lexi turned to the next page and revealed a layout of photos. All of different couples were dressed in formal wear. One photo stood out more than the rest.
“So that’s what she looks like.”
Kate.
As gorgeous as Kate was, Julia wouldn’t have been able to recognize her face from a sea of strangers. But she definitely knew who the guy with his arms wrapped around her was.
It made her stomach twist in an uncomfortable knot staring at their happy faces.
“Oh, this was Valentine’s Day. There was a dance on a ferry boat that some of us went to,” Natalie said softly, and the other girls glanced surreptitiously at Julia.
“And there’s Alison alone, again,” Suzy laughed unsympathetically, pointing to another photo, trying to break the awkward silence that followed.
“Actually she went to the dance with Geoff,” Natalie said. “But I think she yelled at him during the dance, so he refused to take a picture with her.”
“Really? Were they dating?”
“No. Alison’s made it known to everyone that Geoff belonged to her ever since her freshman year, so the rumor goes. Last year, when I first met them, I thought they were dating. He kind of let her get her way with things. But it seems like this year he’s finally manning up and trying to break free from under her hold. As far as I know, they’ve never officially dated.”
“Man, guys can be so weak sometimes,” Suzy said disapprovingly.
“Well, girls like Alison can be manipulative,” Lexi pointed out.
“It’s just so weird, though,” Suzy continued, “How someone like Alison can be on the leadership team for a Christian fellowship. I mean, I seriously have my doubts about her godliness factor.”
Julia nodded, remembering she felt the same way back from her retreat experience. She also thought about Craig. He had been on the worship team back at their home church, but his actions didn’t reflect someone who strove to live a life that worshipped God outside of church.
Natalie shrugged, looking thoughtful. “I guess we just have to remember that everyone is a work in progress. None of us are perfect. In fact the first step to becoming a Christian is admitting we’re sinners. That we need God.”
Suzy looked skeptical. “I don’t know, I’m still convinced Alison is Satan,” she joked.
Natalie laughed. “Well, God can’t be fooled. He knows who’s sincere and who’s not, so we don’t need to worry about that. Anyways, I believe that in the end it’s pretty clear. We all make mistakes from time to time, but people who desire to live obediently change, they grow and become transformed. And for the others, well, we hope for the best. But it’s ultimately up to them how they want to make their decisions in what they say and what they do.”
Julia looked away. Glad her friends couldn’t read her thoughts. Only God knew how many times she’d made stupid mistakes this past year. If God could forgive her, couldn’t she extend that same grace to people like Alison and Craig?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Coasting along the edge of the beach with Lexi and Elliott towards Life Guard Station 42, Julia felt a sense of déjà vu. Was it really just the beginning of this school year when she had first rode along this same stretch of sand towards the then-unfamiliar group of people known as A.A.C.F.? And now here they were wrapping up the year with a final gathering at the beach.
Leaning her bike against the low wall, she watched as Lexi and Elliott took off eager to join the game of Frisbee starting up. Julia hung back and lifted her hand to shield her eyes from the bright sunlight. Walking towards her was Wynn.
He held out a flat wrapped package.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
She gave him a curious smile and carefully unwrapped the gift.
“A journal,” she said, and they both laughed awkwardly. “I love it.”
He leaned against the stone wall and said, “Just wanted to say thank you for standing by my side this year. You made going back to Leavesly Church and resurrecting the youth group bearable.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Julia confessed, honored, but feeling overwhelmingly undeserving of his compliment.
“You believed in me,” he said simply. Then added ruefully, “Although, I don’t know why. I don’t even want to think about the fallout of canceling the music tour for this summer.”
“It’s why I respect you,” Julia admitted. “You’re not a people-pleaser. You’d rather do the right thing even if it’s unpleasant.”
He laug
hed. “I’m not that noble.”
“You are. It takes courage to speak the truth. Most people don’t.”
A strong breeze sent the wayward Frisbee careening towards them, landing a couple feet away from where Wynn and Julia were leaning against the far wall. Danny came running over to retrieve the disc. But the interruption had caught the attention of Alison, who remained staring accusingly in their direction even after the game resumed.
“What’s up?” Wynn said as she approached them.
“Oh, nothing,” Alison oozed sardonically. “It’s just so cozy over here. I thought you might need a chaperon.”
Wynn gave her an irritated look, but refused to take the bait.
“You know,” she continued contemptuously, “With Kate coming back home in just a couple of weeks, you won’t be able to play behind her back anymore, Wynn.”
“What are you talking about, Alison?”
Abandoning all tact, she sneered, “Please, Wynn. We all know you’re not that naïve. You must realize she’s head over heels in love with you.”
“Kate?”
Alison laughed. “No, I’m not talking about Kate,” she spit out then looked pointedly at Julia.
For a moment Wynn didn’t react, just continued to stare straight at Alison’s scornful expression. Then he turned slightly, and when he looked at her, Julia felt like the ground had collapsed beneath her.
Hating that she felt ashamed when she had tried so hard to get over her feelings, she blindly found the handle bar of her bike. There was no point in trying to find any dignified way to leave, and no words would suffice, so she didn’t bother. Pedaling hard, it wasn’t until she was nearly back on campus that she felt like she could breathe again.
* * *
After a long hot shower and a cup of tea, Julia felt more like herself. Lexi and Elliott had yet to return from the beach, and she wandered around her dorm room aimlessly. Why had she run? Now that there was some distance between her and Alison, she could think of several clever comebacks. But deep down Julia knew the truth. She still wasn’t completely over Wynn.
In a perfect world every girl would be with the boy she loved. And he would remain faithful to her forever.
But this wasn’t a perfect world. People acted selfishly, hurting each other. Her mother wanting her freedom. Her father too self-absorbed to show his affections. She knew if she held on to her feelings for Wynn she could be just continuing the same selfish, hurtful cycle. And she didn’t want to be a part of the chaos, not any more.
Yes, she loved Wynn. Maybe he felt the same way. She couldn’t say for sure. But it didn’t matter. Love was more than just a feeling. Unconditional love was sacrificial. She’d heard that somewhere before, but she never really understood what that meant until now.
But could she do what was right when it cost her so much?
The A.A.C.F. event would last long into the night, giving her plenty of time alone. Knowing this, Julia got her bike and headed towards the lighthouse.
Leaning her bike against the fence, she walked up to the top of the old structure and looked out on to the ocean below.
God, I can’t do this on my own. You know how I feel about Wynn. I don’t know why I can’t seem to get over him. But I want to do the right thing. If I have to give him up, then I will. Just help me to let go of him. I’m so weak without you.
The clouds broke then and Julia smiled. He was always there reassuring her of His presence, even in these smallest ways. And as the sunlight basked down on her, warming her body and soul, Julia knew she didn’t have to keep searching for the perfect guy to fill her heart. She already belonged to Him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Julia sat across from Chloe at Beans the next morning. Chloe had been excited to walk around campus with her and to visit her dorm room. She showed her The Cove where they met for A.A.C.F., the Mom and Pop store where they got their late night emergency runs for like toothpaste or toilet paper. And she pointed out the street perpendicular to the edge of campus with the row of apartment complexes where she, Lexi, Suzy, and Gracie were going to live next year.
“It must be so exciting being on your own,” Chloe sighed happily as she sipped on her hot cup of coffee. Julia had laughed watching her dump packet after packet of sugar into her drink before she finally stopped cringing at the taste.
“It was definitely a good year,” she smiled. “So what are your plans for this summer?”
“Well, we were planning on going on the music tour with the youth group, but since that’s no longer happening, it’s kind of wide open.”
“Do you have any piano competitions coming up?”
“A recital next week, but pretty much no,” she said. Then she leaned forward and whispered, “Speaking of piano, though, I overheard my mom on the phone with Denise’s mom, and she wants to invite them to church!”
“That’s nice of your mom,” Julia said, but Chloe vehemently began shaking her head.
“No, it’s horrible! I can’t stand her! I already have to see her every day at school. The only thing I have outside of classes and piano is the youth group. Can you imagine how awful it’s going to be if Denise is there too? I seriously think I will die.”
“Oh, Chloe,” she said sympathetically. She didn’t want to tell her it wouldn’t be that bad because she knew if she had to see Alison everyday, she’d feel the same way.
“It just sucks that my mom feels like she has to invite everyone to church, you know?”
“But, Chloe,” Julia began slowly. She knew as her youth group leader she should say something wise and encouraging, but she was at a loss.
“I know, I know,” Chloe said dispassionately. “We should tell everyone about God.”
“Don’t you believe that?” Julia said softly.
Chloe stared at her, “Yeah, but Denise? She’s just not Christian material.”
Julia sighed and hoped she wasn’t crossing any fine lines when she admitted, “Most people aren’t ‘Christian material.’ I know I’m not.”
Chloe looked unconvinced.
“That’s the whole point, right?” Julia continued. “None of us are good enough. We all make mistakes. We sin. That’s why we need a Savior. If we were good enough, holy enough, then why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“But it’s hard,” Chloe insisted. “I just don’t like her. You have to meet this girl, I’m serious. She’s like pure evil.”
“I believe you. I’m sure she is. But as Christians we’re called to be reflections of Christ. That includes doing the right thing, because that’s the only way God will be able to shine in us for others to see.”
“See? I think you’re just a stronger Christian than I am,” Chloe said.
“No. The only reason I can say this is because I’ve gone through it myself.”
“You have a Denise in your life?”
“Several Denises, actually,” Julia laughed. “I know it’s not easy. I still struggle with liking them, and forgiving them, too.”
“But doesn’t it suck how as Christians we always have to do the right thing, but other people get away with acting selfishly? And they never get punished for it!”
“You know what I’ve learned? God only creates rules for us to follow that will benefit us in the end. He’s not out to torture us, even though it may feel that way when the calling is difficult.”
“Which rule is hard for you to follow?” Chloe asked.
“Recently I’ve been struggling with ‘thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s belongings,’” Julia said in a low voice imitating a preacher, making Chloe laugh.
“Like clothes?”
“Like a boy.”
“Oh!” Chloe’s eyes getting round at the hint of a juicy secret. “So what happened?”
“You know that Bible story about Abraham and his son Isaac?”
Chloe nodded.
“I finally realized there are certain things I really hold on to, one being my need of finding someone I can really tr
ust. It was kind of an obsession, this longing to find someone with integrity, trustworthy, someone without deceit, who would never hurt me.”
“And you found him?”
“I thought I did. But the only problem was he already belonged to someone else.”
“Oh,” Chloe said again, this time with obvious disappointment.
“At first I kept making excuses, even though I knew what I was supposed to do. Until I finally realized the only way I was going to have peace about this whole thing is if I let it all go.”
“Like how Abraham decided to obey God and go forward with sacrificing his son, who he loved the most.”
“Yeah,” Julia said sadly. “It’s not that he was crazy, or wanted his son dead. It was the exact opposite. But he loved God more, and he wanted to obey Him wholeheartedly.”
“But didn’t the story end with God shouting for Abraham to stop right before he killed his son? There was a ram that they ended up sacrificing instead, right? Because he was willing to go through with it, God ended up blessing him by saving his son’s life,” Chloe reminded her, eyes twinkling mischievously. “Maybe if you give him up, God will give him back to you.”
Julia sighed.
“I don’t know think our story’s exactly the same. Anyways, you can’t fool God. He knows my heart, and what’s best for me. And,” Julia confessed quietly, “It’s not like he likes me back.”
“But what if you found out he did?”
Julia looked away.
Help me, God.
* * *
Julia and her soon-to-be-roommates were back at the apartment complex to drop off their signed contracts for the lease beginning next fall quarter. The girls were coming out of the landlord’s office when Lexi suddenly froze in her tracks.
“What’s wrong?” Suzy asked, glancing over to the group of guys waiting by the door. “Do you know them?”
Julia looked too, but didn’t recognize them.