Aiva shifted uncomfortably. She wasn’t sure what he was getting at. It was far from what she’d been hoping for. “You are confusing me,” she replied quietly, afraid to interrupt, concerned that Callum was getting off track.
Callum stared absently into the distance for a moment. “I suppose what I am trying to say is that – the day I left – I feared the thought of going away without at least doing something to make it known how I felt. Of course, I had no idea what the feelings were. I knew nothing about girls. My acceptance into the military left little opportunity to learn the way most men do once they reach adulthood,” an odd expression crossed over his face. “I’m rambling again. Let me try this – It wasn’t my intent to kiss you that day. Not that it didn’t cross my mind. But I knew it was out of line. I knew you were too young for me to think of such things. Not that I was thinking anything inappropriate – ”
“Callum…” Aiva blinked at him, warmth flooding her cheeks. She wasn’t sure if it was her own embarrassment which caused it, or the awkwardness of Callum’s obvious uncertainty. She wasn’t used to him carrying on in such a way. “I know you weren’t thinking boorish thoughts about me. We don’t need to dwell on that. I’m not sixteen anymore. I’ll understand what you mean if you simply speak plainly.”
“Right. I’m sorry.” Nervously, Callum rubbed at his neck, letting his gaze drift upward. “You will have to forgive me. Over the years I have contemplated how I would tell this to you, but never once did I think it would come out while chained in a cell. The words are difficult for me to find. And after the last few days, I had resigned myself that this conversation may never occur.”
She watched him, intrigued by his strange behavior. Never before had she seen him look so discomposed. If only the men could see him now. Their fearless leader reduced to a trembling, stammering fool in front of a woman. “Am I making you uneasy? Should I not face you while you explain this?”
“How can I say this, Aiva?” he sighed, shoulders bowed forward. His voice sounded steadier. Somewhat more controlled. Settling his gaze on her, he shook his head, as if gathering his courage for some great feat. “The thought of leaving you that day was overwhelming. It messed with my head. I wasn’t thinking clearly and in kissing you, I think I sealed my fate. Unintentional or not, it was all I thought about for weeks. Months. My gods, Aiva, I daresay I thought about it for years. When I laid down at night, I could still feel your lips against mine. At every chance I had, I would take my quill to write, most of the ink wasted on nonsense as I tried to put my feelings on parchment for you to read, finding the end result so foolish that I couldn’t bring myself to send them all. There were some I feared your parents would chastise me for if they were to intercept. I sent majority of them, against my better judgment. When you didn’t write back, I was heartbroken to think you were angry with me for having touched you so inappropriately. In my letters to Edric I asked about you, but he assured me you weren’t angry and that you asked about me often. Yet still you sent no response.”
“I never received them.”
“But I didn’t know,” he frowned. “I thought you merely had no desire to remain in contact. Eventually my heart grew weary of pouring itself onto parchment with nothing in return. I picked up my quill less frequently, until finally one day I decided it was time to stop. I needed to move on, as it seemed you had. I sent one last note to tell you that I was being sent to Siscal. Perhaps my subconscious did so in case you found it in you to write me after hearing I was going into active duty. I recalled it being a concern you voiced before my departure. Still I heard nothing. And the first few years on that boat were so filled with constant fighting that I barely had time to think about anything. Part of me considered it best to throw myself into my work rather than dwell on what I had done to make you angry.”
Tentatively he let the tips of his fingers brush the knot on his head where the creatures had struck him. “But you want to know about Ireni, I’m sure,” he whispered.
Aiva nodded. Guilt crept over her while listening to the things Callum revealed, although she knew it wasn’t her fault. If Faustine kept those letters from me… She clenched her fists angrily. Her mother would hear about it. Revered teacher or not, Faustine had no right to meddle in her affairs. “I do, but there is no rush if you are not ready yet.”
“It’s not a matter of being ready. I hold a great regret for many actions during my last few years in Siscal. My hesitation comes in my fear of you hating me even more after you hear of it. If you deny me even the friendship we agreed upon, I’m not sure what I would do.”
“I won’t deny you my friendship,” she stated calmly. “We have an agreement. I am not going to go back on it. At least not if you are honest with me now.”
“Then accept my apologies for the things I am about to say, for some of it may place me in a poor light. And much of it is unfair to you. Inappropriate, really.” Callum slid forward on the floor as far as the chains allowed, closing some of the distance between them. He was becoming more composed. Coming to terms with the details in his mind while preparing how to speak of it to Aiva. “Ireni was only one of a handful of women ever to join my unit. I had been commander for nearly six years when she boarded that ship. The men were so desperate for a female to look at that she was instantly sought after. But it was me she took interest in. At the time I was oblivious, and when I became aware, was even more confused as to why, although experience lends me the knowledge I wish I had then.”
Opening her mouth to speak, Aiva thought better of it. There was nothing important enough to be said at that moment which was worth interrupting.
“The crew spent time in the evenings when fighting was at a lull, talking. Sharing drinks. One night the conversation turned to Tanispa. Things we missed about home. When it came my turn to answer, I gave no names, but indicated the enjoyment I once took in playful spars with a good friend of mine. After the attention moved away from me, Ireni continued to ask questions. Inquiring of this friend. She is surprisingly skilled at reading people and sensed my discontent. In hopes of easing my melancholy spirits, she invited me to a friendly match. It became routine. While the others spent their nights enjoying their liquor, she and I would meet on the deck and trade strikes with a pair of wooden sticks we found on board. Her company reminded me so much of my time with you that I found myself happy with her. But I mentioned your name frequently. There was no doubt left between us that my heart was with you. Ireni knew the pain that your memory brought me, and did what she could to try and ease it. I was desperate to be free of you. So I started to let her in. Slowly. Night by night, our private discussions became more personal, until I was telling her things about myself that I had never even thought to tell Edric.”
“Did you tell her anything about your military plans? Strategies?” Aiva couldn’t hold back the question. It was another accusation made by Dacian that she didn’t want to overlook an opportunity to explain.
Callum shook his head, not seeming to mind the distraction. “No. At times she would inquire, but the tactics discussed between my men and I were private. Regardless of our relationship, she was still a mere soldier. Not in any position to be so informed. That didn’t prevent her from trying, however. She liked to play at my weaknesses. To get me talking about you, to a point where my walls were down, and then subtly find a way to ask about my plans in the military. Thankfully I was not blind enough to let anything by me.”
“If you told her nothing, then how do you feel this portrays you negatively?”
“Questions, Aiva,” he held up his hand to silence her. “Please. You will see.” Satisfied that she was quiet, Callum beckoned Aiva to come closer. She did as directed, sliding along the floor until the chains prevented her from moving any further. “One night, the one which has haunted me ever since, I declined her invitation to spar. I was sitting with the men below deck when they began conversing about women they left behind when they came to Siscal. Several of the men in my unit were married, deep
ly saddened to be away from their wives for so long. We had some drinks. Too many. Aware of my inebriated condition and not wanting the men to see me behave in a way which might lessen their opinion of me, I excused myself to my quarters. Unbeknownst to me, Ireni followed. She is no fool. She knew I wasn’t in control of my senses. In the privacy of my room, I think she intended to seduce me. And she nearly did. Every time she kissed me, it was your lips I envisioned. Your face I saw before me. Your hands, your body – at one time my intoxication led me to whisper your name instead of hers. As you can imagine, she was upset by this. Drawn from my stupor, I asked her to leave. I informed her that I no longer had a desire to be near her. Ever again.”
Shifting awkwardly, Aiva pursed her lips. She wanted to inquire on more details. He was leaving something out. A truth that likely mattered to no one other than her. But she had to know. She had to ask. “How close did she come in seducing you?”
Callum rubbed his eyes. He looked embarrassed, the hesitance in his voice returning slightly, his words revealing a mild tremble. “What do you mean?”
“I mean exactly that,” Aiva stated matter-of-factly. There was no reason to conceal her meaning. As his wife, she had every right to know exactly what he had done with this woman. “Did she succeed? Did you actually let her touch you?”
He coughed, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “I – no. Not… not the way you might think,” he stammered. “Her hands were in contact with me but not to the level of intimacy I believe Dacian led you to assume. We kissed. Quite passionately, I am ashamed to say. In the blur of my thoughts, I recall clothing in the beginning stages of removal, but I came to my senses before it went any further. She demanded to know why I didn’t desire her. I told her that my feelings for her were false, and that in her arms I could only picture you. She was livid. We didn’t speak for several days after that night, during which time her treachery came to my attention. If you only knew the torment it caused me. To think I had let myself unwittingly become so involved with that woman while her true intentions slid under my nose. Although she may have acquired some attraction to me, it was obvious then that her initial advances were made purely in hopes of gathering intelligence to assist the enemy. She merely used my attachment to you for her benefit. Playing off my feelings to try and shift them to her favor.”
At his admission she felt her muscles relax. She’d expected worse. Dacian convinced her that Callum was more involved. More to blame. If what Callum said was true, then Ireni’s attachment went far deeper than Callum’s. It made her feel almost giddy, excited to think that Callum had no real emotions for their enemy.
“Why do you look relieved?”
She jumped at the question, surprised at the ease in which he read her. “Relieved?” she laughed nervously. “Why would I be relieved?”
“That is exactly what I asked you.” Callum eyed her curiously. She hated the way he stared, as if he could see into the depths of her soul, pulling the answers from her against her will. He appeared almost hopeful. “Were you concerned that there was more between her and I? Is that what you have been so upset about?”
“I think you’re reading too much into my body language. While in your mind you have held onto a strange memory and familiarity with me, you cannot assume that the real me is quite so easy to decipher.”
“No, the real you – is much different than I expected.”
Aiva looked away, uneasy at the thought of what his statement meant. He sounded sardonic. A hint of his previous anger showing through his otherwise docile demeanor. “I just don’t understand,” she replied quietly. There was so much to take in; she didn’t know where to begin. “We were kids, Callum. How is it that you could hold onto such feelings? And for so long? Fifteen years is a long time, and if you truly believed that I wanted nothing to do with you, why then would you let thoughts of me interfere with your romantic relations?”
“I told you, Aiva. You were – my first experience at what I thought was love. Those emotions don’t simply disappear. And with my minimal interaction with other women during my time at sea, it was easy for me to dwell on them. It’s my own fault. Perhaps I built you up too much in my mind. In the end, it was more a blessing than a curse. So I won’t regret it. Had I not been plagued by thoughts of you, I might have gotten myself into more trouble with Ireni than I’m comfortable considering.” Casting his gaze to the floor, he shook his head, falling silent. Deep in thought. After a moment he looked up, settling his eyes on Aiva once again. “Did you not feel anything for me after I left? Did the kiss mean nothing to you?”
“Of course it meant something to me!” she gasped. The question dug deep into her own repressed emotions. “I thought about you every waking moment after that day. But I could only keep moping about for so long before I realized it must not have been the intention of the gods to bring us together. There was no word, no indication of when or if you would come back. What was I supposed to do? Wait forever?”
With a grimace Callum distanced himself from Aiva again, the rattling of chains echoing through the stone walls. The added stress of their predicament was doing nothing to ease the tension between them. Aiva was beginning to wonder if Callum had been right to consider waiting on the discussion. But there had been no other option. No guarantee they would have another chance. Managing to regain control of his anger, Callum kept his eyes lowered, his words slow and precise. “How many other men took my place while I was away?”
“What kind of girl do you take me for?” Aiva scoffed. “I didn’t have time for men while you were gone. I was busy learning how to be queen. How to conduct myself as a proper lady. Once out of Faustine’s care, I immediately was taken under my mother’s wing, observing business meetings and court functions to see how our people operate with other governments. The reason my parents insisted on arranging a marriage for me was because I showed no interest in attempting to seek a husband on my own. Apparently that is unacceptable for the eldest daughter.”
“But Lord Dacian – ”
“Oh, to Sytlea with Dacian. I despise that man!” she was surprised at the unexpected hatred which boiled inside at the mention of Dacian. Never had she felt such a strong sense of loathing toward anyone. This was all his fault. If he hadn’t filled her head with such lies!
“You did not appear to despise him when I found the two of you together.”
“Did you stop to think about that, Callum?” Exasperated, she threw her arms in the air, almost causing the chains to hit her in the head on their descent. “I was furious when I discovered you had returned to Tanispa. And without notice. No visit. Just wandering into the lists as if you belonged there. As if you’d never left. I hated you for leaving the way you did. I was tired of constantly being reminded of you every time I set foot in the courtyard. Lord Dacian was merely convenient. A means of forcing the image out of my head so I could finally be free of you!”
“If we ever return to Sivaeria, you will have successfully accomplished that goal.”
His words hit her like a heavy boot to the stomach. The annulment. Given the confessions Callum had revealed to her, she no longer believed he was content with the agreement they had come to while in Carpaen. If he loved her the way he claimed, why would he be so willing to relinquish his rights to her as his wife? “You wanted the marriage.”
“Of course I did,” he exhaled bitterly. “But even I – no.” Shaking his head, he retracted whatever thought had initially come to his mind. Changing it. Leaving Aiva curious what he was thinking. “I cannot say I have ever doubted it. Through my anger, I still can’t say I have any regrets.”
“Then why did you agree to the annulment?”
“Because I can’t stand the thought of going the rest of my life with you hating me. I will do anything to at least return us to the state of friendship we once shared, instead of whatever this mess is that we have been locked in since my return.”
Her anger dissipated rapidly. She hated to see the misery in Callum’s expressio
n. The hurt-filled tone of his voice. It ate away at her. Adding to the uncertainty she’d already experienced over her decision to end the marriage. Every excuse she had for hating him was gone. His lack of correspondence had to be the fault of Faustine. Dacian’s stories were nothing more than mere fabrications. Exaggerated renditions of the truth. All Aiva was left with was a yawning pit in her stomach. She owed Callum her life. He deserved better, but after her behavior, she feared the suggestion of accepting the union might only create more hostility. He would think her fickle. Incapable of making a decision and standing behind it. Or worse, he might not want to risk her changing her mind again and insist upon the separation for the sake of his own heart.
Idly she let her thumb move over the base of her ring finger where her wedding band had been placed the day of the ceremony. She wanted to feel it there. A reminder of what she might be giving up in going through with the annulment. To her surprise the skin was bare. Devoid of any adornment other than the mud still caked between her fingers. “My ring,” she breathed. “It’s gone!” Frantically she held out her left hand, staring at it in horrified disbelief, fearful that she had lost it in the murky depths of the scalding desert pit.
At her outburst she could see Callum shift out of the corner of her eye, extending his own hand to examine the fingers. “Mine is gone as well,” he frowned, letting his hand fall limply to the cool stone floor. “What have I done to make the gods hate me so?”
Rising to her feet, Aiva began an anxious pace across the floor. She didn’t care about the chains. She just wanted to move. If Callum was losing faith, what was she supposed to do? He’d been the support of the unit throughout the entire trip. She needed him to stay strong. If he didn’t, she wasn’t sure she would be able to handle things herself. She wasn’t ready for that responsibility. Not yet. “You can’t give up now, Callum. I know it may not mean much to you, but I need you to stay focused. I – need you. We need each other. The men are counting on you.”
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Two: Beyond the Veil Page 30