“One of the best craftsmen in the Horde made that, by the way,” Jerry says. “Master Mon Fu the Mandarin, out of Pittsburgh, a Laurel-level metalsmith. He made the East Kingdom crowns, too. Which is kind of funny, considering what we’re gonna be asking of you today, Lisa.”
“We’ll get to the matter of the East Kingdom in a minute, Jerry,” Shen Fu says sharply. “Don’t jump ahead of me. I still haven’t given Lisa all the offerings.”
“There’s more?” I sputter, still spellbound by the bracelet. If the Horde is true to its boon philosophy, Shen Fu is probably going to be asking a huge favor—by the looks of it, the bracelet alone is worth more than my car.
“Lisa, we’re just getting started.” Shen Fu’s wide grin is mischievous. He reaches into the box and pulls out another package wrapped in red-and-black silk. “My oldest daughter made this one. I think you’ll enjoy it.” Shen Fu makes great ceremony of unwrapping the silk from the package, revealing a delicate cloisonné pin in the shape of a toilet.
A toilet?
I blink my eyes several times. “Um, it’s a little toilet.”
Jerry, Diane, and Shen Fu all laugh. “Well, your SCA name is Lisa Ladonna di Abbligatura—Lisa the Lady of the Little Toilet. We thought you’d get a kick out of a piece of fine jewelry that matches your name. You don’t have to wear it in public—just think of it as a high-quality gag gift.”
And an effective gag gift, to be sure. I have to fight not to keep the smile off my face as I pin the delicate little toilet to my lapel. “You never know when a little toilet might come in handy,” I giggle, patting the pin.
“I thought you’d see it that way,” Shen Fu replies. “Pegeen told me you have a good sense of humor, when you want to. There’s just one more thing the Horde wishes to offer you before you consider our boon.”
Shen Fu pulls a gold foil envelope from the box and hands it to me. “I think you’ll find this offering the most valuable of all in the long run.”
I tug open the envelope, which contains a gift certificate:
This certificate entitles the bearer to
10 Free Counseling Sessions
at
Dayton Family Counseling Center
1456 Far Hills Avenue
Dayton, Ohio 45432
Good for Individuals and Couples. $1000.00 value.
This gift made possible by the peace-loving Great Dark Horde.
Stunned, I drop the certificate in my lap. I don’t know what to think. “The Dark Horde thinks I need counseling?” I shout, aghast and offended.
“Actually, this last gift was at your friend Pegeen’s suggestion,” Shen Fu explains. “She’s concerned about you. Phil is too. In fact, Phil paid for the sessions. And I shouldn’t be telling you this, but he helped pay for all those other gifts, too. The Great Dark Horde is well-supported financially, but not quite well-supported enough to procure such things on its own.”
I gingerly slide the gift certificate back into the envelope at set it on the coffee table. “I’m sorry, Shen Fu, but I can’t accept this gift. For one thing, I find it offensive that the Great Dark Horde would even consider asking this beg-a-boon thing of me after giving me a gift certificate for a shrink. I’m not crazy, you know. Even if what I did at Crown Tournament was a little, well, rash, I—”
Shen Fu seems to expect my reaction. “Nobody said you were crazy, Lisa. But we all have our ups and downs. We all need a little help now and then. The Great Dark Horde is a peace-loving organization both within and without the SCA, and one of the kinds of peace we advocate for is peace of mind. And I can personally vouch for all the therapists at Dayton Family Counseling. I’m a former client. I used to live here in the Dayton area many years ago, and the folks at Dayton Family Counseling helped me get through my first divorce. So please, Lisa, take the certificate. Nobody is saying you have to use it right away. Just hang onto it in case it ever comes in handy for you. There’s no expiration date, by the way.” Shen Fu places a strong hand on my forearm and squeezes gently, but instead of calming me, his gesture sends me into a near-panic.
“No expiration date, huh? I guess that means you think I’m going to be nuts for the rest of my life then.” I stand up too quickly, knocking over the ladder-backed chair with a clatter. I feel my face go hot, notice my heartbeat accelerate. I’m more than a little worried that I might faint.
Diane and Jerry are both visibly alarmed at by my outburst, but Shen Fu doesn’t even flinch. “Lisa, I understand I probably caught you a little off guard just now,” he says, softly. “Why don’t you go take a brief walk to collect your thoughts? I don’t know if you’ve been outside yet today, but the weather’s beautiful.”
Jerry stands up and pats me on the shoulder. “Take your time, hon. Go get some air if you need it. We’re in no rush.”
The heat in my cheeks starts to cool a bit, and I manage to keep from grinding my teeth too much. But my heart is still pumping like mad, and I’m feeling dizzy and light-headed. I decide to take Shen Fu’s advice. “I’ll just be a minute,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “The bathroom’s at the end of the hall in case anyone needs it.”
As I slip on my sandals and step out into the blinding brightness of the early afternoon sunshine, I try to grapple with all the conflicting thoughts and emotions swirling through my brain.
I walk down my driveway to the sidewalk, and start pacing back and forth up and down my dead-end block. The rhythm of my feet hitting the cracked, weedy pavement becomes a mantra that calms my mind enough that I regain some clarity of thought.
Why on earth are these strange, elderly SCA old-timers—who I have never even met before today, mind you—visiting me when I’m playing hooky from work and bouncing from the deepest depths of panic, anger, and depression to the highest heights of manic frenzy? On the one hand, I suppose one could argue that the Society for Creative Anachronism and all its strange people and customs ruined my life, while on the other, one could just as easily state that the SCA brought excitement, friends, opportunities—and however briefly, love—to my life in ways I might never otherwise have encountered. I’d be lying to myself if I said that joining the SCA didn’t enrich me greatly as a person. Or at the very least, it was the catalyst that not only brought me closer to my best friend in the whole wide world, but also introduced me to a whole host of new friends—known and unknown—who all want me to be happy.
And it seems, if what Shen Fu just told me about his paying for all the Great Dark Horde’s gifts is true, Syr Phillip is one of those friends, too.
Wait a minute—what’s Syr Phillip got to do with the Great Dark Horde, anyway?
There’s only one way to find out. I head back to my apartment.
Chapter 25
I strut back into my living room, head held high. I decide that from this moment forward, I must handle this meeting with the decorum expected of a Crown Princess of the Middle Kingdom. (Assuming, of course, that King Fallon still hasn’t accepted my resignation from that office. I suppose this means I’ll have to start returning his phone calls.)
I extend my hand out to Shen Fu in regal greeting. “We have considered your gifts, KaKhan Shen Fu, and we have decided to accept them.” It’s surprising, but publicly using the royal “we” for the first time in my life is a total turn-on. Maybe I won’t need Syr Phillip to still have fun being Crown Princess and Queen after all.
Jerry, Diane, and Shen Fu all laugh hysterically. “Actually Lisa, the royal ‘we’ isn’t used in the SCA,” Diane finally says, sweetly.
“Oh,” I mumble, crestfallen.
Shen Fu claps me on the back and grins. “I’m so glad you’ve accepted, Lisa. Now if you’ll allow me, I’d like to present the Great Dark Horde’s boon.”
I set my still-overturned chair back upright and sit down. “Before you do that, Shen Fu, I’d like you to answer one question for me.”
Shen Fu fiddles with his mustache for a minute, giving it a nervous twitch. “Shoot.”
�
��Why did Syr Phillip help pay for these gifts? What’s he got to do with the Great Dark Horde? After all, he’s sworn fealty to the Midrealm, something Hordesmen can’t do. Or so I’ve heard, anyway.”
A slow smile spreads across Shen Fu’s face. Diane and Jerry clink their Diet Coke cans together in a victory toast. “Aha!” Shen Fu finally blurts with glee. “Lisa, you’ve asked the golden question. To give you the answer you’re seeking is exactly why we’re here.”
“I don’t understand,” I say.
Diane gets up from her spot on the couch and comes to sit beside me on the floor. “The Great Dark Horde is a lot bigger than most people think,” she explains, reaching out to touch my hand with her own papery one again. “We’re everywhere, you see. Including a lot of places where no one thinks to look.”
“Like on the throne of seven different SCA kingdoms, and soon to be eight,” Jerry adds, his old-man’s voice bubbling with an oversugared child’s excitement. “Not to mention some of the top leadership roles in a couple of other Living History groups that have splintered off from SCA and the Renaissance Festival circuits over the years. We’ve managed to infiltrate just about everywhere that historical reenactors congregate. Except for the Civil War folks, but that’s just because there weren’t any Mongols in the Civil War.”
“But we’re working on the Civil War groups anyway,” Shen Fu adds with a chuckle. “They’re just too big for us to ignore.”
“Infiltrate? What do you mean?” I say, shocked. “What are you people, the Mafia?”
Shen Fu smiles and heaves a heavy sigh. “Think of us more as a hippie peace organization that still knows how to have some fun, and to make a few bucks while doing it.”
“You keep saying that the Great Dark Horde is about peace,” I say. “Which is weird, because the only Horde members I know are violent.” I’m thinking specifically of Master Melphus when I say this, but I’m too polite to name names.
“Most Horde members are not actually violent,” Shen Fu says carefully, “but some of them appear violent. It’s all part of an elaborate, shall we say, ruse. There are of course a few bad apples scattered here and there as well.”
“Like Master Melphus?” I ask.
Shen Fu smiles. “We prefer not to name names. Let’s take care of more important business first. Lisa, we are here today to ask your help in securing the East Kingdom throne for the Dark Horde, among other things.”
I’m already lost, but I’m not ready to admit it yet. “What other things?”
“Well, one, the Horde begs you not to renounce your Crown Princess title, and two, the Horde begs you to reconsider ending your relationship with our most favored brother, Syr Phillip Reginald of Blackstar."
“Okay, stop it right there,” I exclaim. “Are all of you telling me that Syr Phillip is your brother? All of you? I mean, you all seem a little old to be his siblings—“
“Our Horde brother,” Diane corrects. “All Hordesmen and Hordeswomen are brothers and sisters of peace and the sons and daughters of Mongolia.”
Okay, so now I’m really lost. “Uhhhh—sorry, I don’t understand.”
Jerry rolls his eyes. “Lisa, what we’re trying to tell you is your boyfriend Syr Phillip is a secret brother of the Great Dark Horde. He has been for years—he’s been a member of the sacred House of Blackstar since the late 80s when he joined up with the Horde after his sister and mother died at Pennsic 14. And the House of Blackstar is the oldest, most powerful household in the Horde.”
The House of Blackstar! Slowly, a few recent incidents start to take on new significance. Is that why people like Mistress Naomi turned tail and ran when Pegeen mentioned I was Syr Phillip Reginald of Blackstar’s most favored lady? Maybe so. Clearly, there are a lot of underground elements to the SCA social structure I have yet to understand. “So—what does that mean for the Dark Horde now that Syr Phillip will become King?” I ask.
Jerry clears his throat. “Let’s just be blunt, Lisa. The Dark Horde’s been waiting to get one of our brothers on the Midrealm throne since—well, since the beginning of the SCA, and now that we’ve finally done it, we can’t have something like a little, inconsequential romantic dispute messing that up.”
I feel my neck stiffen with suspicion. “What do you mean?”
Jerry and Diana both roll their eyes. “Shen, you didn’t tell me the chaugu’aa here was this stupid,” Jerry hisses.
Shen Fu holds up his right hand in a calming gesture. “Now now, Jerry,” he says. “Let’s not insult Lisa, even if she is both a green newbie and a chaugu’aa.”
“What the hell did you guys just call me?” I blurt, offended. “Chewbacca?”
“Chaugu’aa,” Diane says. “It’s what Hordesmen call non-Hordesmen. It’s the Mongol word for outsider.”
“Oh,” I say, still clueless.
Shen Fu begins to pace the room slowly, taking on the emotionless face and soothing voice of a master diplomat. “What Jerry is trying to say, Lisa, is your ahhh—strong reaction to what you saw going on in Phillip’s private prince’s chamber on Saturday has had quite a bad effect on our dear Horde brother. He’s really quite broken up about it. I’ve known Phil ever since he was a teenager, and truth be told, he’s always been a bit of a ladies’ man.”
“Yeah, so I heard,” I scoff. “And little too late, I might add.” The painful sight of my half-naked knight, lord, and prince entangled with that chain-smoking shrew Lady Ramona is still acid-etched onto my retinas.
“Well, Lisa, Phil’s reputation didn’t come into play with what you saw on Saturday. What you saw was an ancient Mongol tradition called the Kingmaker Ritual. Every time the Horde has managed to get a secret Hordesman on the throne of an SCA kingdom, we do the ritual between the new Hordesman Crown Prince, the sitting King of that kingdom, and key Horde members who reside in that kingdom. Mongol tradition calls for the ritual to be done naked, but we modern Hordesmen prefer to keep our underwear on while we do it. King Fallon agreed to participate in the ritual and keep Syr Phillip’s Horde affiliation a secret in exchange for the Horde fighting on the side of the Midrealm at Pennsic this year. And Lady Ramona, whom I believe you know, was just preparing to give Syr Phillip the battle-kiss blessing of the ancient Mongols when you walked in. Given some of the rumors you may have heard about Syr Phillip’s past reputation with the ladies, I can certainly understand why you reacted the way you did. But I assure you, it was completely innocent.”
“Oh,” I say, completely dumbstruck at the fact that my supposed enemy Lady Ramona was a secret ally of Syr Phillip and the Horde all along. “Wow. I guess I just thought, based on what I’d heard about Syr Phillip—”
Shen Fu gives me a warm, fatherlike smile. “Lisa, even if Syr Phillip did have a bit of an unsavory reputation with women before he met you, he certainly had his reasons for loving and leaving,” Shen Fu says. “He’s quite a sad person most of the time. And he has a lot to be sad about, believe me. I suppose his past womanizing was a kind of self-medication against how badly he’s felt about himself all these years.” Shen Fu stops his pacing right in front of me. “But that all changed when he met you, Lisa. Phil is a good friend of mine as well as my loyal Horde subject, and he confides in me a lot. I happen to know that after Phil took one look at you, he was ready to abandon his wild, womanizing ways for good and settle down.”
I’m stunned. “But—but I saw Syr Phillip making out with Lady Ramona once before, at the post-revel. And she’s Melphus’ girlfriend, and Master Melphus hates Syr Phillip. How do I know you’re not just covering for her or something?”
“I am aware of that whole incident,” Shen Fu says. “Suffice to say it was also a staged act preplanned by the Great Dark Horde. All of that night’s events were staged, in fact—including the Tuchux showing up. The police raid, you getting attacked by the dog, and the house fire were unfortunate complications, but the Horde has ways of dealing with complications, too.”
Now I’m completely lost—again. “I don’t unde
rstand.”
“I assure you, Lisa, all will be made clear once you’ve completed your assignment. And your mission to make up with Phil romantically as well as convincing him to stay on as Crown Prince is a very, very important one—not just to the Midrealm, but to the Horde as well. All our strategic alliances for the next two years depend on it. Phil took your very public dumping of both him and the Crown on Saturday very hard. So hard, in fact, that he submitted his own resignation as Crown Prince to King Fallon not long after you left the event. He said that if you weren’t going to be Crown Princess and his future Queen beside him, he didn’t want the office at all. King Fallon hasn’t accepted Phil’s resignation yet—just like he hasn’t accepted yours. But until you and Phil are able to resolve your differences, the kingdom is at an impasse—there’s never been a situation where a Crown Prince and Princess resigned right after they won Crown. It leaves a giant hole in the kingdom leadership structure and the royal ceremonies that shape the whole SCA, as you might imagine.”
“Why don’t they just make Master Stephen and Lady Fiona Prince and Princess?” I ask. “Master Stephen was the next runner up at Crown, right?”
Shen Fu frowns. “Well, it’s not quite that simple, I’m afraid. The Middle Kingdom charter requires that if the winner of Crown resigns or dies or something before ascending to the throne, the Middle can’t just crown the next runner-up in the tournament—the kingdom has to start all over from square one and have a whole new Crown Tournament, and the kingdom just doesn’t have enough money to do that right now without throwing off the finances for all the other kingdom events already scheduled this year—including Pennsic. Now, the Horde generally will stay out of kingdom political problems like this on principle, but King Fallon is an old friend of mine from our college days together at Ohio State, and he hired me and the Horde to try to find a solution as a neutral third party. Well, sort of neutral, anyway.”
Knights and Kink Romance Boxed Set Page 78