by DJ Bryce
When it was time to leave, I took a seat in the back of the bus and stowed my things around me so I could keep an eye on them.
I had a long time to think over the course of that ride.
I thought about my time with Bane, with Sloane, and I also thought about my ex, and the way we’d left things. I pondered what I wanted to do with my life… did I want to use my degree, find another nanny job, or just take anything that came along?
Where would I live?
What did I want out of life?
I realized on that road that I hadn’t planned my life out very well. I was disappointed in the choices I’d made, and the fact that I had nothing to show for years of school and hard work.
I was a mess.
In that realization, I knew that I wasn’t ready to share my life with anyone else.
I needed to find myself first.
To find my purpose and become someone that I could be proud of.
I’d been a victim of circumstance for too long, partly of my own volition, and that needed to change.
By the time the bus pulled into the station in Florida, I was exhausted, but hopeful. I had a plan and I was going to put it into action. I wasn’t going to focus on the negative; instead I would strive toward being an independent woman who didn’t need a man to be fulfilled.
I was ready for the evolution of Katja.
Twenty-Seven
Bane
I wandered the house aimlessly. Walking from one room to the next as I tried to come to terms with how I was feeling.
Panicked. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. Bewildered.
A myriad of emotions jumbled within me as I waited until it was time to go pick up Sloane.
When I’d returned home from my run the night before Katja had been gone.
She’d done what I’d asked, and I knew it was for the best, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like a complete and utter asshole.
I knew she didn’t have a lot of money, a way to get to the airport, or wherever she went… a place to stay, a job… she’d basically put her life on hold to come here for this trial, and rather than let her go back on the return ticket that I’d purchased when I flew her out, I’d left her to fend for herself.
I freaked out. Panicked. If I’d been rational, I would have told her to wait to catch her flight.
But, I had to admit, it was a relief that she was gone.
I didn’t have to face the consequences of my actions that way. There was no confrontation. No fight. No more talk about feelings. Everything I’d wanted to avoid had left with Katja in the night.
I’d barely slept at all. Tossing and turning as I was assaulted by memoires of Sarah. I imaged her reaction to finding out I’d slept with someone else in the bed we used to sleep in. Under her roof.
It made me sick to my stomach, and when I knew there would be no sleep for me, I’d gotten up and began pacing.
Hours later, it was finally almost time to pick up Sloane.
The Jeep was packed up, I’d called Mal and told him to cover my tours, and I was ready to go. We were heading to Grayson’s. I needed to think, to process, and to talk to someone about what had happened.
There was no better sounding board than my brother.
When it was finally time to get my daughter, I locked up the house and drove around the corner.
“Thanks so much for having her, I hope she wasn’t any trouble,” I called as I ushered a reluctant Sloane out of the house after I’d gotten her car seat and other things.
“Daddy,” she started to protest, but I lifted her up and jogged her over to the jeep and buckled her in.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “We’re going to Uncle Gray’s.”
“Again?” Sloane asked, momentarily confused. We never went there more than once a month. Then she decided it was good news, and cheered, “Yay!”
I got into the Jeep and backed out, waving absently at the house as I did, just in case anyone was watching.
We got about two miles down the road when Sloane asked, “Where’s Kat-ya?”
My heart pounded painfully, but I ignored it and answered, “She had to go back to Florida.”
“When will she come back?”
“She’s not coming back, baby,” I said gently as I waited for her reaction.
When I didn’t get one, I breathed a sigh of relief and turned up the radio.
By the time we got to Gray’s, Sloane was passed out in the back, and I was driving myself crazy.
I couldn’t stop thinking of the look on Katja’s face when I’d told her to leave.
Never one to be taken unaware, Grayson was standing out on the porch as we pulled in. He walked toward me, eyes wary, then looked relieved when I pulled a sleep-dazed Sloane out of the back.
“Everything okay?” he asked, unaccustomed to me driving up without calling.
I shook my head and held out Sloane, who was practically jumping out of my arms to get to him.
As I unloaded, she told her uncle all about her sleepover at Sylvie’s.
Once we were all settled inside, Gray looked to Sloane and said, “Princess, why don’t you take Goldie outside and play catch.”
At her name and the word outside, Gray’s golden retriever perked up and ran to the back door.
“’Kay, c’mon Goldie,” Sloane called and ran full out to the door.
Grayson disappeared into the kitchen, then returned with two beers and handed me one.
“What happened?” he asked, taking a seat at the table.
I sat across from him and said, “I fucked up.”
“With the woman?” Gray guessed.
I nodded and took a long pull of my beer.
“I freaked out. We had sex… totally my fault, and it was everything. Hot, amazing, the best I’ve ever had… which meant it was followed by extreme guilt and self-flagellation. I called her Sarah, told her it was a mistake, and made her leave.”
“Jesus,” Gray whispered, his eyes conveying his concern.
“Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was falling for her, against my better judgement, and when I felt the connection we had… well, let’s just say I reacted badly and wanted her to feel as shitty as I did. I succeeded.”
“You love her?”
I swore under my breath and felt tears prick my eyes.
“Yeah, man, I think I do. But I can’t love her and feel this guilt. This betrayal. I can’t love her in my wife’s house… in her bed.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know, but I know I’m not ready for Katja right now. I need to fix some things about myself, come to terms with Sarah’s death, and give myself permission to move on.” I ran my hand through my hair and gave Gray a pained look. “She told me she loved me and I said, I love you too, Sarah.”
“That’s fucked,” my brother said, making me chuckle.
“It is,” I agreed, then took a deep breath. “I think I need to get help… see someone… talk about it.”
“Like a shrink?” he asked.
“Maybe,” I admitted, even though the thought of talking to a stranger about my feelings made me twitchy.
“Probably a good idea,” Grayson said, and I nodded.
If I had any chance of moving on with my life and having even a remote chance of happiness with Katja, I needed to fix myself. I needed to become the man she deserved. A man who’d love and cherish her for the rest of her life.
Three Months Later
Twenty-Eight
Katja
I walked down the street, oblivious to the sticky heat of the day.
I was used to it.
I was carrying my bags from the market where I’d picked up fixings for dinner. I was looking forward to having a nice meal and glass of wine to celebrate my first month at my new job.
I was working for a public relations company and had just been given my first solo client.
The work was fun, and all from the comfort of my own home.
Well, calling it a h
ome was a stretch. It was actually a loft over my landlords’ garage which I rented on a month to month basis. Fully furnished and basically pest free, it was the best I could get on short notice within my budget.
I was saving money and would eventually move out and get a place of my own, but for now, it was exactly what I needed.
I turned the corner to my street and was about to head down the driveway to the stairs leading to my loft, when I noticed there was a car parked out front with tags from a rental company.
Looked like Mr. Danford had company.
Hopefully he was about to get laid, it would be nice for him to be in a good mood for once, I thought with a smile. Then stopped in my tracks and almost dropped my bags when I saw Bane sitting on my steps.
“Bane. What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised that I was able to speak without sounding like a chipmunk.
“Can we talk?” he asked, standing.
For a second, I wanted to say no, to tell him to get out, just like he’d done to me the last time we were together. But, I was curious to hear what he had to say, and if I was honest, my heart was happy to see him.
He looked better than I remembered which seemed totally unfair.
I walked passed him up the stairs and opened my door.
I looked down to see him waiting at the bottom, not following without my consent, which I appreciated, so I said, “Come on in.”
I walked into the kitchen area and busied myself putting my groceries away while Bane came inside, closed the door, and walked over to join me.
I was aware of his every move, my pulse pounding as he got closer.
“How’s Sloane?” I asked, putting a couple more feet between us.
“She’s great,” Bane said with a small smile, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Maybe it made me a bad person, but the fact that he was nervous made me feel better.
“What did you want to talk about?”
I leaned against the counter and faced him, my arms crossed over my chest.
“Can we sit?” he asked, gesturing toward the love seat and chair that made up my living room area.
I nodded and indicated that he should go first.
When he sat on the love seat, I took the chair.
“First, I want to say that I’m so sorry for the way I treated you that night. I was cruel to you, after I promised I wouldn’t be… I’m sorry.” I nodded, indicating I heard him, and he continued, “I did a lot of thinking that night, and the days that followed, and realized that I needed to talk to someone, a professional, about Sarah’s death and how I was dealing with it.”
He paused, and I wanted to reach out to him, instead, I clasped my hands together and placed them on my lap.
“I panicked when I said Sarah’s name, then I felt guilty.”
“Bane,” I said, hating that he’d felt guilt over what we’d had. I didn’t want that… no matter how much he’d hurt me.
“No, it’s okay. I’ve talked it all out and realized that even though I knew rationally that Sarah was dead, I was living as if she were coming back. I’d surrounded Sloane and I in the world we’d known and hadn’t allowed myself to move forward.”
“I’m glad you’ve found help, but what does this have to do with me?” I asked.
“I didn’t give our trial a fair shot. Not by having you there in Sarah’s house and not by making love to you in her bed. I couldn’t admit that I was falling for you because my heart was still committed to my deceased wife, and although there will always be a place for her in my heart, I’m ready to move on and be happy.”
“Bane…” I began, panic hitting me.
“Please, Katja, here me out.”
When I gave a slight nod, he said, “I love you. I’m in love with you. I think I knew it from the first second I saw you, which was why I was so adamant about us not being a love match. The feelings I had for you scared the shit out of me. Our chemistry was immediate and so potent, unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I felt guilty for feeling things for you that I’d never felt for Sarah. I was supposed to be her mate, and love her ‘til I died, yet here I was being pulled toward you as if you were my true north.”
My breath caught painfully in my throat as I listened to his declaration.
“When I entered you, when I claimed you, it was as if the world was right again. I knew that you were more than a mom for Sloane, you’re my fate, my mate, and it terrified me. When you said you loved me, my response was automated. I was in my head and freaked and didn’t even realize what I was saying until it was too late.”
Bane stood up, then dropped to his knees in front of my chair and took my hands in his.
“I love you, Katja. I want to buy a home with you, raise a family with you, spend the rest of my days making you happy. We’ll find a place with some land, so we can get Sloane some chickens and goats, and you can decorate it however you want. If you want to work, then work and if you don’t, I’ll take care of us. Anything and everything you want, just please, say you’ll come back with me. Marry me. Let me cherish you for the rest of our lives.”
I looked into his dark eyes, saw the sincerity there as the words he spoke played through my head like a Frank Sinatra song.
He was so beautiful, so strong and capable. A great father and amazing lover. But, he’d hurt me and I was afraid. Afraid to say yes, afraid to say no. Afraid to make the wrong choice and ruin my chance at happiness.
“I know you’re afraid to trust me, and you have every right to be, but please, come back with me, finish out our trial. Then, if you decide it’s not what you want, you can come back and I’ll leave you alone for good.”
I searched my mind, then my heart, and I knew without a doubt that I’d be happier with Bane and Sloane than I could ever be without them.
So, I took a leap of faith and said, “Yes. Okay, Bane, I’ll come back with you.”
Bane let out a loud, excited laugh, the stood and lifted me to my feet. He pulled me in, wrapping his arms around me and lowering his head to mine.
He brushed the length of my nose with the tip of his as he looked into my eyes and grinned broadly.
“I love you so much, Katja,” Bane said, then his lips met mine.
I tilted my head and parted my lips, eager for his kiss, and he did not disappoint. Bane deepened the kiss and made love to my mouth until my knees were weak and there were tears of joy falling from my eyes.
When he pulled back and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs, I said softly, “I love you too, Bane.”
His answering smile was beautiful, as were his words.
“Let’s go home.”
Epilogue
Katja
My stomach was a jumble of nerves.
The drive had been peaceful, quiet with bursts of laughter, with Sloane falling asleep the last half hour and Bane singing softly along with the radio.
They were the loves of my life. My family.
We’d had our claiming ceremony a few days prior.
After I’d returned to Bane’s home in Indiana, he’d insisted we finish out the final days of our trial before he’d let me agree to move forward and say yes to his proposal. It was just a technicality, because I’d already told him what I wanted, but I played along for his and Sloane’s sake. A month later, we’d sold his house and moved into our own sweet little farmhouse on three acres outside of town. Not far from his old house.
We got Sloane her chickens, but so far, only one goat, and I’d decorated it lovingly, buying mostly used items and refurbishing them with Bane.
Two months after that, we’d finally had a small ceremony with only our friends in attendance. Now, we were on our way up to Grayson’s, and I was about to meet Bane’s brother for the first time.
“He’s going to love you,” Bane said for at least the third time on this trip alone.
I tried to give him a smile, but I knew it ended up coming off like a grimace.
Bane chuckled.
“He’s really not
as scary as you’re making him out to be in your mind,” he assured me, but it was no use.
I was freaked.
Bane turned onto a gravel road, and my heart leapt into my throat.
It was like driving to my execution, that’s how badly my hands were shaking.
I saw the house in the distance and thought briefly that it was almost as sweet as ours, when I saw the man himself coming down the steps and walking toward our car.
He was tall. Taller than Bane, with jet black hair cut in a military style cut. He was also huge. Broad. With thick, muscular arms that looked like they could chop down trees on their own, without any tools.
Wearing dark work pants and a red plaid shirt, he looked like a lumberjack, missing only his burly beard.
As Bane pulled to a stop, Grayson stepped up to the jeep and I got a good look at his face up close.
He was handsome.
Like, movie star handsome with a strong jaw and striking features. And, when his gaze fell on Sloane who was just waking, he let loose a smile that had my ovaries quaking.
“Easy,” Bane said wryly, and I looked to see him watching me with a scowl.
I grinned sheepishly, then looked back at my new brother-in-law.
Wow. No wonder Shonda was smitten.
Once she was unbuckled, Sloane reached out for Grayson to lift her out of the seat.
“Hiya, princess,” he said, his voice deep and rough.
“Uncle Gray,” Sloane said happily, wrapping her little arms around his neck.
I hopped out of the Jeep and rounded it to introduce myself, but Bane beat me to it.
His arm came around my waist and he said proudly, “Gray, this is Katja. My wife and mate.”
“Nice to meet you, Katja,” Grayson said, not quite as cheerfully as he’d greeted Sloane, but pleasant all the same.
“You, too, Grayson. Thanks for having us for a visit.”
“Call me Gray.”
We got our bags, and all of Sloane’s must have items, out of the Jeep and followed Gray and Sloane, who’d already gone inside the house.