"Well, who wouldn't?" she said. "You’re quite a charmer. But I am glad that I’m the only one who has claimed you as mine.”
She was meaning to tease me good-naturedly, but it still caused my stomach to roll and turn to knots. The reaction, however so slight, wasn't missed by the observant princess.
"What's wrong, Nikita?" She frowned, wondering if she had said something wrong. I forced a tight smile to ease her worries.
"Nothing," I said with a shake of my head. “You’re just so beautiful.”
Amarisa smiled again. I pulled her face to me then crashed our mouths in a hard kiss. It was the only way I could rid my mind of the guilt that prickled my skin like icy pins.
The princess melted into me as our tongues found each other. I drank in her sweet taste and still craved more. My lips searched for all the delicious places that could satisfy me, her neck, her lips, her chest, yet it still wasn't enough.
"I want you, Amarisa," I whispered through my feverish kisses. "I want more of you."
I rolled her onto her back and kissed the span of her exposed throat. My lips tasted the milky skin of her breasts. Amarisa was trembling, struggling with internal conflicts that bubbled within her.
"Nikita...wait," she breathed. I moved down to her smooth belly.
Her skin was as sweet as spring honey, fresh and inviting, and I was the desperate bee that craved her nectar.
The change in her breathing emboldened me. I slipped my hands to her legs. Her chest rose and fell with each quickened intake of air.
"Please?" I whispered.
I eased her thighs apart and wedged myself between them. I felt her warmth against my stomach even she was still fully clothed. The heat of desire burned my body with urgent needs.
Amarisa whimpered softly and trembled from underneath me. Blood rushed through my veins like wildfires. Slowly, my hands worked their ways into her long skirt. I rolled the hem up, revealing those shapely legs.
As soon as I started to unfasten the belt that wound around her fine dress, she reached for my hands.
"No, Nikita...not yet!" Amarisa cried out.
"But why, Amarisa?" I whispered.
"Please, my love, understand me. I can't do that, not now," the princess replied. She tugged my hands away from her dress.
"I love you, Amarisa, what is there to wait for?" I said. "You said I would have anything I ask. Now, I want you!"
"Yes, yes, my dearest, I remember I told you so," Amarisa said. "But you must be patient. I am not ready, not now and not here."
"Then we can go to my chamber if you must," I said, "unless you don't want me."
"No! Nikita, it's not that at all!" Amarisa reached her arms out and embraced me, stroking my face and brushing back my disarrayed hair. "I always wonder how it was that, of all the girls in the world, I have been chosen for this incredible bliss. I just want it to be a special time between you and me." She smiled softly again. "Will you wait a little longer, my darling heart, until the game is over and you shall have my world?"
"Will you promise me?"
"Yes, I do promise you," Amarisa said and pulled me into another kiss.
Later we separated, peeling away from each other's skin again. Our faces flushed hotly. Our lips were puffy from kissing. We both looked up into the sky and saw the clouds drifting by.
"I don't know how to pleasure you yet," Amarisa whispered afterward. "But I can't wait for that moment to happen. I trust you, Nikita, and that is more important, do you understand?"
I couldn't find any word to answer her. Our hands lay side by side, barely touching. I saw Amarisa starting to reach over with her tapered fingers, nails as fine as sea-smoothed pearls, and I reached my hand half way to catch it. For the longest time, we lay there holding each other's hands — the only intimacy of our craving hearts.
We stayed in the garden until dusk began to fall, turning the clouds purple and pink.
~*~
I returned to my chamber again and was greeted by Kesar. She had prepared my dinner and was waiting for me. I smiled and thanked her. After the meal, I took my bath and was ready to go to sleep.
Inside my room, Kesar was sitting primly on the floor by the foot of my bed. She regarded me with tenderness. I didn't notice that at first. The wooden floor felt cold on my bare feet when I entered the room. The curtains flicked against the breeze.
I sat down as I dried my damp hair.
"Are you tired, my lady?" Kesar asked.
"A little, yes," I said. "You have anything to talk to me?"
"No," she said and only smiled.
"What is that?" I asked, raising an amused eyebrow at the maiden. Kesar shook her head. Her dress was looser than usual. She did not tie it securely like she always had.
"I'm just happy to see you again," she finally added, but a slight crimson blush colored her cheeks. Her hair was unbound and only held back by a pair of gold flower pins. I tilted my head and looked at her curiously.
"You're acting funny, Kesar, what's the matter?" I said, and she shook her head again. I waited, but she didn't say anything. "Alright, goodnight then."
I got into bed, and Kesar rose from the floor to untie the sheer curtains from the posts for me. I patted the pillow and got myself comfortable. Kesar came cover me with the soft duvet. She looked a little distracted. I noticed her breathing was little ragged. Her face leaned close to mine as she fluffed my pillows. I stared at her then our gazes met.
"What?" I whispered. Kesar bit her bottom lip. I heard her swallow when her hand moved to my cheek. At first, I didn't understand what she wanted, but now I did.
Her hand went over to my breast. I gripped it. Discomfort set like heavy stones in my stomach.
"Kesar, no," my voice sounded weak. She blinked and swiftly removed her hand from my grasp. She bowed apologetically.
"Forgive me, my lady, I didn't mean to," she said with an embarrassed look. "I shouldn't have...must not have...please don't banish me again."
I sat up. She lifted her eyes back to me. The look in them was heartbreaking to see. They were hopeless and hurt and on the brink of tears. It was sad to see her so broken with more sorrow and defeat—more disappointment and rejection.
Kesar stepped back from the bed and turned to leave. Her lovely face was tight with emotions. It made my heart ache with pity.
"Kesar, wait," I called out to her. The maiden stopped and turned around. "It gets so cold at night, and it gets even more lonely to sleep alone. It would be nice to share this bed with you."
A spark of light returned to her eyes. Kesar looked at me. Then after a moment, her face broke into a joyful smile. I welcomed her into my arms as she climbed onto my bed. Kesar seemed contented with my touch alone.
We curled up into each other as we both lay in bed. I kissed her forehead, and soon, we were lost in a deep slumber that took away all the pain.
CHAPTER 41
I awoke to the golden sunlight through the window. My body was cold. My right side was exposed to the morning breeze. The space beside me on the bed was occupied by Kesar. She laid her head in the curve of my neck, still soundly asleep.
I closed my eyes again and let my mind sink back into the trailing thoughts. How strangely Kesar's soft body fit mine and comforted me with her warmth. I inhaled the lovely scent of her skin. It was different from Amarisa's, which was the smell of the sunshine and exquisite flowers. Kesar's scent was sweet wood and the clouds before the rain. I inhaled her again, enjoying the fulfilling fragrance in my lungs.
Kesar sighed and nestled closer. I wished we could hold onto this wonderful circle of our embrace forever. Perhaps, if I had never met Amarisa and been so in love with her, everything would be different.
After a moment passed, I realized the maiden was also awake. Her breathing was no longer at ease and her heart began its worried pace. Neither one of us felt the need to let go of each other. I stared at the outlines of our entwined bodies beneath the silk cover.
"I am a terrible person,
Kesar," I whispered.
"Nikita..." she said my name, but I didn't wait for her further response.
"I am a liar, a two-faced lover," I said. "I'm the most deceitful person that has ever befallen your world. I don't deserve all your kindness and love. Why has the earth not split open and swallowed me yet?"
At that, Kesar lifted her face to look at me. Her eyes filled with tears. She had trouble finding her words to speak, and I wouldn't let her lessen my sorrow anymore.
"I am being terribly unfair to you and even more so to Amarisa," I said again. "We both know what wrong deeds I have done. My selfishness will bind me to sorrow and shame forever. Every time I look at your face and hers, those feelings will torment me, and they will never be gone."
The winged maiden was horrified at the bitterness of my tone. She took my face in her palms and shook her head as if to stop me.
"You're not at fault alone, don't blame yourself," she said.
"No, I have dishonored everyone," I said. "You should hate me."
"No, I can't," Kesar was choking. "I could see the torment that is tearing you apart, yet I am so lustful and selfishly in need of you. Nothing you have done is wrong to me. Please do not berate yourself alone."
"Can't you see that you're suffering because of me?" I said. "How could you be so fond of a person who breaks your heart?"
Kesar shook her head vigorously, dismissing everything I said.
"You are the best thing that has ever graced our lives," she insisted. "And I speak for all of us." Her hands cupped my cheeks and brushed my skin gently with her thumbs. "I won't let you belittle your poor kind heart, my lady. Yes, you have hurt me, yes, you have hurt me worse than any pain in the world could ever inflict upon my being, but you're worth every throb and every sting. You bear everyone no malice. You're merely afraid to lose those you hold dear — and this is how the tangles got started, catching us all in the web we've woven. Yet I accept your flaws and everything that comes with them. If it is so weighty a grief of conscience, then please share the blame with me. "
We looked at one another, and after a while, I placed my cold hands back on either side of her face.
"Then make me forget," I said in desperation. "Make me think no more of this pain even for a moment's lapse, please."
Kesar encompassed me in her arms. She held me so tightly like she was collecting all my shattered pieces and sticking them back together again.
~*~
At the hilltop of a six-tier pyramid temple, Amarisa and I stood overlooking the city. The princess held my hand while we enjoyed the view of the sunset over the empire.
Below us, four avenues spread out in four cardinal directions. Five sandstone sanctuaries at the top stood elegantly in a quincunx pattern—the center one represented the axis of the world and the smaller ones represented the four lunar phases.
From the top of the temple, we saw a hundred and four smaller towers. They were placed so symmetrically that only thirty-three could be seen from the middle of any side. Thirty-three was the number of gods who dwelt on Mount Meru. The pyramid was known as Paramashiva Loka, ‘the abode of Lord Shiva’.
"It was built by King Sri Yasovarman," Amarisa told me. "This temple is actually an astronomical calendar in stone."
Amarisa turned to me again and smiled, but I was distracted as I looked at the golden-drenched landscape.
"You're so quiet, Nikita, are you not well?" the princess asked, gazing into my eyes. I could feel her love so palpable like a gentle stroke that reached through my heart.
I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her what I had done, but the thought of doing it terrified me. I was afraid that everything would come apart like the braided edge of a fabric. The threads would fall loose and undo all the work I had woven into a secret.
I wondered how euphoric life would be if I hadn't sinned this deep. How could people go about their lives committing inappropriate things behind their lovers' backs?
If I wanted to tell Amarisa, this would be the time. Yet my lips quivered and my tongue felt numb, incapable of forming the truth I wished to hurl out of my mouth.
Amarisa was staring at me. What weakness made me remain silent? How long did I stand like that? A moment or an eon?
"Do you wish to tell me something, Nikita?" her royally voice broke my reverie. My body was hot and then cold as the blood rushed back and forth. She noticed the trembling of my hand in hers. The princess frowned in concerns.
"Nikita? Are you alright?"
"I'm sorry," I said at last. "It might be the anxiety before the game."
Amarisa nodded in understanding and stroked my cheek.
"Let me not find you worrying about that matter too much," she said softly. "In all honesty, I do not want you to win."
"Why?" I said.
"The victory from the holy game will take you away from me. It will bring you to the war that no one in this entire world would wish a lover to go."
"You worry too much," I said and pinched her nose lightly before pulling her into my embrace. "All my friends are god-born and true warriors. We have a strong and fearless army. Before you even know it, we will bring back victory."
She was parting her lips to speak again, but I sealed them with a deep kiss. Over time, I came to know how to avert her mind, and surely Amarisa forgot everything else.
"Answer me one question, Nikita," Amarisa said after we broke the kiss. Her silken hair bathed in a beautiful glow. Those long black lashes framed her gleaming eyes like feathers.
"Yes, love?" I said.
"Why did you insist on having me the other day when you had been so calm all these times?"
Embarrassment formed on my face.
"My apology for such impatience," I said. "I was just terribly afraid."
"Afraid?"
"Of losing you," I said honestly. "I thought you could've easily anchored my heart and harbored my soul if only we were bound to one another by becoming one."
"But why would you need such assurance?" she asked. "You knew you would have our moment eventually."
"Yes, yes, I know," I said with a dismissive nod. "Who else should I do my binding if not you? Now, let us not talk about it anymore."
The sun looked like a giant orange over the horizon. It did not resemble a chariot at all. The brilliant rays over the evening sky turned the clouds into a reddish hue everywhere.
We waited for the pending twilight. Her hands wound around my body and rubbed my back gently.
"I trust you, Nikita," Amarisa whispered in my ear. "I trust you with all my heart."
Then she planted a soft kiss on my neck and rested her head on my shoulder. I was glad she didn't see a pained look on my face or hear my silent cries in my chest.
~*~
The King and Queens granted each avatar team a splendid battleship. Two days more to organize and select the crew after we packed our necessities to last the length of the journey.
According to the Guru, it would take at least a week to search for the Rainbow Fish. It would take far less if we knew where to look and better yet—how to catch it.
For now, none of us had any knowledge of the latter, but we were full of confidence that we could rely on Samudra to guide us at sea.
Then things took a new turn when Vorac and Atith came to my chamber. A distressed look marred on their faces.
"What's wrong?" I asked, but they sighed and motioned for me to come with them.
I was led to Samudra's house near the edge of a serene lake. Before we could pass through the front garden, I could hear Tusita pounding on his door and yelling.
"Open the door, Samudra!" she cried. "You're being so dramatic!"
I didn't know what it was all about. Tepi stood there and did not say anything as I walked up to them.
"What's wrong with him?" I asked. "Did he get into a quarrel with Morokot?"
I thought that would be the only possibility as we already knew the two had been dating in secret. Tepi just shook her head back.<
br />
"We try to get his help in finding the fish. He knows every living thing in the ocean, but he refuses to tell us."
"Why?" I frowned.
"He wants to see us fail that's why!" Tusita screamed through the crack of the wooden door.
"No!" Samudra's voice came back from the inside. "That's not it!"
"You want us to lose and Issarak be glad at heart to win," Tusita said. "Have you forgotten how much Nikita suffered in the first quest? Now you doom us with this?"
There was a silence.
"Get out now, Samudra, or I will blaze this whole place to ashes!" Tusita yelled again. As if on cue, the sky growled over our heads. Atith had to grab Tusita away from bolting down the door.
I looked at Tepi.
"Why won't he help us finding the fish?"
Tepi sighed.
"We asked Samudra to reveal the routes of the sea, but he thinks it's unfair to use his inborn knowledge and win the game."
"How about I tie him up for you and you could question him?" a voice came from behind us. We turned to find Raksa climbing out of a bush, the flowers and branches sticking out of his hair. "I guarantee he will tell us after a few hellish tortures I learned from my Father's palace."
Tepi glared hard at him.
"Oh, never mind," he said.
"Samudra, you are a fool!" Tusita hissed. "Our shame if we lose to that Murugan's son. No use with your good old morals and honor if we have him as our leader. We need to win this quest so that Nikita could fulfill her prophecy!"
"Tepi," Vorac spoke for the first time. "Maybe we should seek help from Morokot in this case."
But then the chamber door flung opened, and Samudra stepped out.
"Enough of that, I beg you!" he said. "The oath I hold is heavy and unbreakable. I must defend the righteousness and prevent the wrongs. Besides it is my duty to protect all lives that dwell within my Father's realm. I can't ruin the fairness and tell you where to fish and easily win the game."
"It's not as easy as you said," Atith protested. "We have to sail through waves upon waves where dangers are high and our lives at stake. Forget the fairness!"
They all looked at Samudra. His face was tensed and his eyes seemed conflicted.
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