I pulled Pixie closer in the crowded hallway, making sure she had a path out the door that didn’t smush her. Tall guy perks.
I heard my name and her name getting said by those around us. Or maybe I just imagined it. When we cleared the front door and got a block or so away, Austin jogged up to us.
“Butterflies. How was school? No practice, Gaze?” He separated Pixie and my hand to slip his arms in ours. We were three wide walking down the street. “Pretty girl, what happened to your hand?”
“Pixie punched the ass that was bullying her. And I wasn’t allowed to attend practice today, but I can go tomorrow.” I pulled on Austin so that all three of us were walking on the side of the sidewalk as a large group of adults in business suits could pass.
“Wow. We’ve got some badasses here.” Austin had his attention on Pixie. “How’d that feel?” She lit up looking in his face. I understood it. Attention from Austin just hit differently. It was special.
“Disgusting. I keep hearing her nose crack. And I feel a little bad. I mean, she’s an asshole, but I think we all hope to get out of high school without any real damage. I’m thinking her nose might heal weirdly.” Then she shrugged.
“You’re a good person, Pixie Rae. Hold on to that. She needed a lesson that not everyone will take it when she’s needlessly cruel. May her crooked nose remind her to be a better human.” Austin flipped his hair out of his eyes without using his hands.
“Thanks.” Pixie looked reassured. Austin stepped backward and unhooked his arms from ours, grabbing our wrists to make us hold hands again.
“I’m starving. What’s the best place to eat around here? Why don’t you two show me around?”
I gave Pixie’s uninjured hand a light squeeze. “That sounds great. I’d love to run around like we used to for a little while.”
“Okay. Me too.”
Chapter 49
Pixie Rae
IT FELT LIKE I was in a dream that I was afraid to wake up from. I was out of my apartment. I was with Gaze. GAZE! And Austin couldn’t be cooler if he tried. Punching Ashlin wasn’t something I was looking forward to in my life, but I think the recent change in my situation gave me the courage to do it.
And as awesome as it was to have Gaze holding my hand in school, I had no delusions that I’d stopped Ashlin from her fixation on torturing me. But I’d worry about that on a different day. Today, we went to Pete’s Pizza and Gaze bought us a cheese pie and Cokes. The three of us sat at the table and swapped stories while we plowed through the food.
Gaze and I told Austin about Fat Asshole, the pigeon that started our walking the plank routine. When Gaze got to the part when we kissed accidentally, he skimmed past it, but gave me a wink.
It was a wonderful type of confusion, because my soul had welcomed Gaze so long ago, but now having him be a totally grown up, handsome guy made me blush a bit.
“Do you remember the food fight this past summer?” Austin egged Gaze on.
“That wasn’t a food fight. It was an unprovoked attack.” Austin held up the crust of his pizza.
“You were looking at the pudding pie funny. It spoke to me.” Austin dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. As he scrolled through his pictures, I noticed that his nail polish was getting raggedy. And that it looked good on him.
“Oh, here we are.” Austin passed his phone to me.
Gaze was there, going to town on an ear of corn. Just past him I could see a pool and a basketball court in the background.
Gaze leaned closer to me as I hit the triangle button that started the video. Laughter bubbled out of the phone.
Gaze pointed at the screen like it was dramatic proof of something. “This was premeditated? You videoed it?”
“I’m sorry. I thought I sent it to you. It’s just so hard to get everyone added to that big group chat.”
In the video a launched pie landed square in Gaze’s face like an old-timey movie.
The camera caught how quickly Gaze stood, dove over the table, and then Teddi, according to Austin’s narration, grabbed the phone, and flipped it so it could get the wrestling match between Austin and Gaze before Austin was launched into the pool.
Another boy came from behind and pushed Gaze in, too, then dove in after them. “That’s Milt. I didn’t even know he could swim or I’d have been watching my back.”
I gave Austin his phone back, smiling with their joking around. “You needed that bath after the pie anyway,” I said to Gaze. “You were so happy.” It was just a fact. That little snapshot was a dream come true. Ideal. “It had to be hard to come back here.”
“Nah. I mean, it was, but I was hoping you were still here, so that part is a win. If I could have you and them? Then it would be perfect.” Gaze started stacking up our thick red plastic plates.
“You guys want to do the park and head to the river real quick? Finish off the tour?” I offered as we all took our plates and cups back up to the counter.
“Yes, but let’s do that in the reverse order so I can get this pizza down a little lower.” Austin rubbed his stomach.
“Not too low, dude.” Gaze grimaced.
“Mind your own butt business, brother.” Austin took my hand like Gaze had done on the way out of school. “You need any ice?” I shook my head no. “So, this is where you grew up. Tell me what you liked about it.”
We had our topic for the stroll.
“I guess it’s really easy to shop, lots of choices. I mean, we had a budget and all. There are a ton of people in this community, and usually we have a couple generations of families. So that’s nice. I like how the kids got to play in the summer and time off. The best part was Gaze, though.”
I pointed at him with my pinkie.
Gaze leaped as we went under a crosswalk light, slapping the sign that was way too high for most people to reach.
“Yeah. I bet it was hard when he left.” Austin pulled my hand and maneuvered us around the grate in the sidewalk. “I hate those things. I feel like that’s how I’ll go someday. Getting sucked down one while the It clown is hungry.”
“It’s better because they are closed. You gotta watch out for those.” I pointed to two metal cellar doors that were latched shut. “Sometimes shop owners leave those open and you walk right in. You can break a lot of stuff falling down there. A few weeks ago a lady broke both her hips and her ankle when the furniture shop was getting a stock delivery.”
“Oh, good. I have a new nightmare to haunt me.” Austin looked over his shoulder warily.
We crossed two more crosswalks and made our way to the river. To me, it looked like it always had. Water was soothing for me, in general. I loved the sound of it. But now, showing it to Austin and revisiting it with Gaze, I felt the river’s shortcomings shining through.
It was a brown color and trash dotted the edges. When the wind hit right, there was a certain smell that no one would refer to as refreshing.
“Pixie and I used to eat Creamsicles down here like it was our job.” Gaze hopped onto the cement highway divider that served as a border to the waterway.
He did a tightrope routine that I recognized from our childhood. Austin jumped up as well and copied him. I sat down on the bench and watched. My hand was throbbing again, the joints in my knuckles protesting the most. Maybe I should have taken the ice.
I heard the gravel crackle near me and then Gaze was there touching the knuckles I was staring at. “You need more ice? Painkillers even?”
“I’m okay. Should we show him the park before heading back?” I was careful not to call it home, because that’s what they referred to their foster house as. I didn’t want to assume that had changed.
“For sure.” Gaze spun on his heel. “Want to get in some one-on-one?”
“Ugh. I guess if I have to.” Austin rolled his eyes and hopped down. “You guys. This river looks like a backed-up toilet.”
We all busted out laughing because it kind of did, in hindsight. It had been the best of places to come to as a ki
d, but it clearly needed some attention.
We made our way to the park and I found a swing to sit in. I wasn’t interested in playing basketball. Instead of one-on-one, there was a pick-up game with Austin and Gaze versus two other older guys.
It was actually a great game to watch. Austin and Gaze played really well together.
When they were done, they joined me on the swings. It was pretty cold now and my hand was getting numb, which made it hurt less. I thought about Ashlin and how much her face must hurt. I had to have broken her nose. I never understood why she had it out for me, and now that she had her sights on Gaze, I doubted that would fade away.
After a few swings, Austin and Gaze jumped from the swings. Gaze slowed my swing and held my good hand once I was off. “How about we get dinner delivered for tonight? Do you have any homework?”
“Nah, I’m good.” Gaze turned to me to hear what I had to say.
“I have a few things that I…” I forgot what I was saying as I caught sight of Bic coming in the other direction on the sidewalk.
I felt like my heart stopped and my primal fight-or-flight response kicked in. But there was nowhere for me to go.
Chapter 50
Gaze
I FELT PIXIE hesitate as her face paled. After trying and failing to figure out what was going on (Did her hand hurt more?), I saw Bic.
He was worse for the wear, my fists having left an imprint on his skin. The hatred that had caused me to hit him was right at the surface, maybe would always be for me. It was so accessible.
I dropped Pixie’s hand. All I had to say was, “Bro,” and Austin came next to me, putting his body between Bic and Pixie’s.
I watched as Bic assessed his options. Sure, Austin was in a skirt, but he was obviously fit and pissed. But that didn’t matter. I had enough fire for both of us. For all three of us.
“Gaze, don’t.” Pixie’s voice cut through. She didn’t want me to beat Bic up again right now. Right here. On the street.
So I did the next best thing. As our paths crossed, I leaned down a bit and slammed my shoulder into his.
He returned the shoulder shove, and hard. If he’d taken the shove like the pussy he was, maybe I could have left it at that. Maybe. But instead, I seized his forearm and squeezed, stopping him in his tracks so I could hiss into his ear, “If you see her coming, you cross the road. I don’t care if it’s in front of a motherfucking truck.”
Bic yanked his arm from my hand. He mumbled under his breath but didn’t have the guts to verbalize anything clearly.
As he ventured the rest of the way past us, I stood stock-still, begging him to give me a reason to let myself off my leash. He didn’t even try to stare us down.
I turned to Pixie and held out my arms. She walked into my hug as I kissed the top of her head. “Never again, Pix. I promise.”
She didn’t say anything, but I could see that she kept a wary eye on Bic’s retreating form.
Austin and I walked on either side of her to get her into my building. After I opened the door, Austin offered, “You know, I have to FaceTime a few friends. Let me get out of your hair for a little while.”
Pixie seemed to come out of her trance. “You don’t have to leave. You’ve been out all day.”
He winked at her. “I like space sometimes. No worries.”
With that, he left. Austin could take care of himself, but it was getting dark so I trailed him outside.
“Where are you going to go?”
Austin turned around. “I’ve got my car parked in the lot down the street, so I’ll hang out there for a little while. Text me when you guys order dinner, and I’ll come back.”
He held out his fist for a bump and I did it.
“Be there for her. Shit’s going down in her head.”
I nodded and returned to the apartment. Bruce was still gone, which worked out fine for me. I thought about what Austin had said about Pixie’s headspace. We’d pretty much hit the ground running here—talked about plenty but not enough.
I really took a step back when I got inside to look at her. Still beautiful but shadowed. Around her eyes she seemed troubled.
I saw her left hand had a tremor. “Pix, what’s going on?”
She turned quickly, like I had slammed a door or dropped a glass. “What?”
I walked around the couch and sat down. When we were young, we would talk until we fell asleep. Sometimes one of us was mid-sentence. During those nights, I learned to be patient for Pixie. If given enough space, she would fill the silence with her ideas.
I hoped the same would work for her to be able to talk about what was going down in her head.
It took ten minutes of quiet before she sat down near me. “Seeing him is really horrible.”
I held my hands so I wouldn’t grab hers.
“’Cause I didn’t know how much it hurt to be around him until I was here with you. It was like being strangled with the possibilities of what he was thinking. Planning.” She started peeling at her nails. The worry needed an outlet.
I forced myself to listen, not try and offer solutions or finish her sentences.
“I have a lot of anger. And a lot of shame.” She looked at the ceiling, but she didn’t cry. I thought she might. It was a tell from when she was younger, when I knew she would be upset, shed tears—she would look at the ceiling. She told me once she was trying to get her eyes to absorb the tears.
I didn’t want to put my emotions into it, but I could easily have killed Bic right then. I was thinking of her letters from the coffee can.
“I’m mad at Mom for leaving me here with him. For making me rely on him for my money and shelter. Which makes me an asshole because, of course, she was the victim of the car accident, not me.” Then she wiped at her eyes harshly. She was frustrated.
“I think that’s a fair set of emotions right there. And I think your mom would understand them.” I looked at my fingers, hoping I was saying the right thing. A helpful thing.
“Yeah, but, like, I’d pray to her and she wasn’t stopping it, so does that mean she’s not watching over me? Does it mean I deserved this? I don’t know.” The tremor was obvious again and she pushed her hair out of her face.
“Your mom made mistakes. Bic was a mistake. But she loved you. You know it, and I know it. I don’t want to defend Bic, and I think he’s horrible—the worst, but I can’t imagine a world where she would be okay with how things turned out for you. I mean, how fucked up is this situation? We’re living with the man that tried to kill me. That’s not our fault. We weren’t out there kicking puppies. We got a shit hand.” I turned to her.
“The day she died—it was like he was waiting for that moment.” She kept picking at her nails. I held out my hand, palm up.
She looked at my hand for a few seconds before curling her fist in the center. I gently cupped it. I wanted to tell her I was sorry that I got out. That it almost killed me, but I got out. But I could see in her eyes that she knew.
“It’s okay. That night it was you or me.” She spun her fist and wiggled her fingers so that she could hold my hand. “And I chose you. Tell me it was worth it. I need that.”
The lump in my throat had to be visible. “Nothing would ever be worth what you went through—” I saw the panic rise in her expression. “But it’s been great. My foster home was amazing. They want to adopt me, even after I turn eighteen. They were a miracle. And I blame you for that one hundred percent.”
There was a hint of a smile. “Good. Good. That’s more than I could’ve hoped for. That’s the dream.”
“But right now? I’m choosing you. You’re first. From now until the end of time. Or whenever you’re done with me. I’m yours.”
She wiped her nose, then nodded. “I could use that. I’ve had my guard up for a really long time.”
Her voice cracked.
I slid back on my bed and held open my arms. It would be like this for her; she could have whatever she needed. She hesitated, then crawled next to me,
burrowing her head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m yours.” I kissed her forehead. “I hope I’m enough.” Then I laid my cheek on her soft hair. By thinking she was betraying me, I had been doing that exact thing to her.
Like she could hear my thoughts, or was maybe having the same ones, she said, “Forgiveness. Maybe we can just be good to each other and forgive ourselves for anything we got wrong. Move on. Move forward.”
“I like it, Pixie Rae. I like it a lot.”
Maybe it would be that simple, because Lord knows everything else in our lives was complicated.
Chapter 51
Pixie Rae
AT SOME POINT Gaze and I repositioned ourselves, back to the way it was. Some sort of reset from when we were kids. I was on the left side, and he was on the right. We held hands. Every time I opened my eyes I saw his face and I was soothed. The constant fight-or-flight was on pause. Safe. I was a girl that prided myself on my power, but Bic had chipped it all away. I needed to be away from Bic. Bic’s hands. The way Bic smelled. The way Bic looked at me. The sound of Bic’s footsteps. Being out of my mind. Trying to be out of my body.
Awake.
Gaze opened his eyes and waited, watching my face.
Safe.
It was okay to be safe for tonight. He was here again.
_______________
When I woke up, I sat straight up in bed. I was disoriented, and the sound of a man yelling was an alarm in my psyche.
Austin held up his hands. “It’s okay, Pixie. Gaze is dealing with Bruce. He wants us to stay here.”
I pushed my hair out of my eyes. Gaze. Mr. Jones.
Shit. What if he hurts Gaze?
I swung my legs out from under the covers and grabbed the baseball bat that was leaning in the corner.
Austin stood and held up his hands. “Kitten, what’s going on?”
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