Teddi and Ronna had to be the prescription for self-esteem boosting. They were the coolest ladies to hang out with. They were funny and charming. We’d even had a few girls’ nights that I was hoping to have more of in the future.
Austin moved to the city, but came back often. He actually stayed in the apartment that Gaze’s grandfather was paying for and started working for a big cosmetics company taking their promotional pictures for their Instagram. Milt was off to college after the summer and he was interested in a computer science program clear across the country. He had a paid internship with a local defense company and would probably make more than all of us combined someday.
I had Austin’s old room, but really, I spent my nights with Gaze.
The paperwork went through, and with the help of the Burathons’ lawyer, I was able to access my mom’s college savings for me. I still had to take out some loans, but thanks to Mom, I definitely had a manageable amount of debt.
I’d gone to a community college the first semester while we worked out the red tape, and then I joined Gaze at his college, about forty minutes away from the Burathons.
He was doing wonderfully on the college team, and he’d been provided with housing. It was a huge house where quite a few of the basketball players lived. They had an in-ground pool and a small guesthouse, and that’s where Gaze and I stayed.
A huge part of my year was spent in counseling. Gaze was seeing the same lady, but we amped up my sessions when I was in community college.
Having someone hear me and give me tools to address the things I had to do for the rest of my life was important. To tell me fears were valid. To assure me that sexual abuse had long-lasting effects, but there was a life beyond them. I had to figure out how to make intimacy be about me and work out that being sexual shouldn’t have any shame attached to it.
I had Gaze, who had told me during many a late night that he just wanted to be mine, whatever that included. The process to our sexual relationship had started and stopped. We went at my pace. My counselor told me often that Gaze was a great guy, that he showed tons of empathy and patience with my process.
But when it was right, when the stars had aligned, I would be able to connect with Gaze with my mind and body. And feel free. My body was mine. My pleasure was mine. And that’s the way I deserved it to be.
Gaze
My teammates teased me that I was married already. I knew that it was hard to understand the connection Pixie and I had. We’d saved each other over and over in our lives. We were old souls, having been asked to deal with a lot of shit growing up.
And I knew that Bic had broken her. Pixie felt that was the sacrifce she had to make for the trade-off of my life. To assure that I would live, she had to accept what Bic did to her. And the fact that her mother and I left around the same point in her life was a gut punch to a young girl.
Pixie, lying almost completely flat in the passenger side of my red convertible, wasn’t a girl anymore. Her hair was longer now, the year and the lifting of so much stress showed in the shine of her hair and the glow of her soft skin. She was a breathtakingly beautiful woman. She was silly and funny and thoughtful. I knew she was the one. No matter how many guys dogged me, she’d been my wife in my head since I was a kid. I was just lucky she let me be near her. She’d always be my hero. I just wanted to do everything I could to be hers as well.
The moon was full tonight and the air was warm with summer’s ripe promise. She grinned at me and pointed at the sky. “Remember the first time I saw the stars like this?”
“Yeah. You said you were drowning in stars.”
“Do you remember everything I’ve said?”
“Not all of it, but most of it.” I looked at the sky she was admiring. “The best is we can’t even see all the stars out there. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
Pixie pushed herself up and moved over to me. “Hi.”
I held my breath. I wasn’t a robot. I wanted Pixie. But I was willing to wait for her cues.
“Hi,” she repeated. “Is it cool if I try something out?”
Shyness.
It killed me when she was shy, because I knew her personality was far more bold. I nodded, exhaling as she straddled me.
“Can I just touch you?”
“Yes.” Sweet hell, yes. Now was when I had to have restraint. It was as important as catching her when she was falling from the broken ramp. No matter what she needed, I would give it to her.
I put my hands above my head and gripped the headrest. “Do whatever you enjoy.” I was already stupid hard. Blindingly hard.
Pixie started slow, kissing my lips, taking breaks to touch my face, nibbling my ear. My breath picked up.
She pulled my t-shirt hem up and up until she got to my head. Then I let go of the headrest so she could get it off of me.
She’d seen me without a shirt plenty. Hell, we both woke up with my boner between us all the time. She knew me.
Her hands were tentative and reverent as she ran her fingers over my chest and my stomach. “You’re beautiful.”
I tried to tell her that she was, too. That the moon was picking up the highlights in her hair and the weight of her on my lap was settling me deep inside. I wanted her so much. Instead, I just made a low groan.
She smiled. A hint of my Pixie. The one that was sure of herself.
“I want you.” Pixie whispered it, but it sounded like a shout in my head. I nodded.
“Is this okay? Are you comfortable?”
Consent. She wanted my consent.
“I am enjoying this more than anything ever in my entire life ever. So yes, I’m comfortable. I promise to tell you if that changes.”
She ran her hand along my triceps, causing me to grip the headrest tighter.
Pixie put her hands on her shirt and lifted it over her head, and as badly as I wanted to look at her breasts, I checked her eyes first.
She nodded. She was okay. Still with me. Still doing things she wanted to do. After she skimmed her body and breasts with her hands, I thought I might actually come in my pants. Lightly moon-tinted naked Pixie skin would be the definition of erotic for the rest of my life. I was miserable. I wanted to taste her, but I waited.
She was wearing a skirt, and as she started to mess with the button on my jeans, I offered to help. It was a difficult button. She allowed me to unfasten my pants, my knuckle grazing her heat. My dick kicked all on its own in my pants. Once my jeans were over my hips and resting on my thighs, I put my hands back on the headrest.
Pixie glanced in my lap and was still smiling. She touched me a few times and then leaned over to get something out of her purse. A condom.
“You had this planned?” I was surprised and thrilled and delighted.
“Yeah. I wanted to do this without walls. Just us, just the stars. I mean, if it all worked out.”
Now it made sense as to why she wanted to go stargazing and was planning it out and watching the weather.
For sex. With me. She was ready, and I was able, and here was where it was going to happen, and…
She handed me the condom. “Can you do the honors here?”
I ripped it open so quickly the condom itself almost popped out. And then we would’ve lost it. And I would’ve jumped off a cliff penis first.
I situated the latex on my dick and made sure to pull the tip a little. I wanted this to be the safest it could be for Pixie. And then, instead of grabbing her boobs or feeling her with my fingers, I grabbed the headrest again. This was her party and I was just a guest.
She didn’t take off her skirt, but slowly eased down on top of me. She wasn’t wearing anything else. Slowly, she inched down the length of me. I got to watch her face as she discovered what it felt like to have me inside of her. I couldn’t touch her, but I could pray to her, feel for her.
“I love you. And I’m proud of you.” I sounded all strangled and scratchy to my own ears.
She hesitated on her descent. “Thank you.”
&n
bsp; And then she was on her own again, experiencing me. I wanted to tell her that we should have gotten her ready more, but she was slick enough that I knew she wasn’t in pain. It hit me again that she wanted me. When she was completely settled on my lap, I was all the way inside of her.
“I feel you.” She touched my face and leaned forward to hug me, her bare breasts pressing against my skin.
“I’m lucky.” Again, more of a growl than I intended.
She kissed my lips and ran her hands down my chest, using it to push herself to sit up. And then she began rocking her hips.
At first, she was halting, slow, but her confidence picked up, as did her tempo. My heartbeat timed with her movements. I kept my eyes on her, watching her claim her body back for herself. Her smile and ferocity picked up. My hips were rising despite my effort to keep them still.
I could make it better for her, but not until she told me. And then, like she heard my thoughts, we locked eyes. “Let go, Gaze. This is awesome.”
My fingers were starting to get pins and needles from how hard I was gripping the headrest. I touched her gently even though my primal brain was trying to grab the steering wheel. I touched her face, then let my hand drift to her breast. I ran my knuckles down the curve. I was so close to losing myself in her. She was moving so fast, I was concerned she would dislodge the condom. I touched her thigh, and when her eyes widened and she said, “Yes,” I went further still. I found her clit with my thumb and applied pressure. And then she lost it. My beautiful Pixie hit her climax and the horn of my car with her back at the same damn time.
I slid my other hand to her nipple and gently pinched it. And then I lost it. I lost it in her, my hips slamming up, desperate for her warmth and driving me to find it. Every last stroke had Pixie hitting the horn again. I came, cursing and praising her.
Then, I had the sense to pull her closer to me so she would stop laying on the horn. We were in an empty field, but not so far from people that someone might not get curious about the band playing in the field. Pixie’s eyes were wide as she panted. The smile she had almost didn’t include me in it. She put her hands in her hair and shook it out.
“Hey, beautiful.” I almost felt like I was interrupting. Her eyes focused on mine. “How are you doing?”
I wanted to make sure that after all the lust was spent that she was still with me. Still happy.
She laughed a little and then teared up. I immediately panicked. I was inside of her and would have to pull out soon to make sure it was safe.
“After a lot of years, I’m mine now.” She hugged me full out.
“Well, that makes two of us then.” I touched her face and pulled her in for a kiss. We had a whole summer ahead of us. Next week the Burathons were going through with adopting me, which was both hilarious and touching. I’d proudly take their last name. I found a family for Pixie and me. And she had found the part of herself that she had sacrificed to keep me alive.
“I love you, Pixie Rae.”
“I love you, Gaze.”
THE END
Dear Pixie Rae,
You represent a lot of things for me. When I was first in the workforce, I was discussing womanhood and what it’s like to be a woman growing up. At a table full of women, I asked if anyone had ever been made to feel uncomfortable around a man. Every single hand went up. Over the course of that day, I was stopped by four different co-workers who told me their story.
We hugged. I’ve never forgotten that day.
Pixie Rae, you hold all those stories in your heart. You hold the times that I didn’t feel safe. I’m a loudmouth. I’m pretty outspoken. There were plenty of times I bit my tongue. It hurt to write you biting yours, when all I wanted to do was save you. But, you had to show me and everyone else who takes a risk on this book that there is an after or can be an after. A beautiful, forever after that you deserve.
Spoiler alert: I was Gaze punching Bic over and over. That ramp was meant to break since the moment you and Gaze laid it down—destined for Bic to tumble from. I want to hug everyone that has a story that scars them a little or a lot.
Pixie, you also show how we sometimes have to endure to protect ourselves, to protect others.
You are powerful, however you walk the road of life. Sometimes that path is forced upon you.
There’s no way for me to write this without thinking of the typical “stand tall, be strong” advice. If I am in any position to offer some, here it is:
Be you. Being you is a victory. Being you and everything you have faced in your life makes you exceptional. Loved. So, so worthy of love.
I know you have a beautiful imagination and heart packed with empathy. That’s why we are here together right now.
I can’t forget Gaze, who also holds stories in his heart and represents things that I won’t forget learning about. Or crying over.
Below are some websites and a phone number if you, the reader, seek help:
RAINN https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline has tools for current and recovering sexual assault victims in the US. This includes a free, confidential 24/7 hotline that can be reached at 800-656-HOPE.
For male victims of abuse:
https://www.thehotline.org/2014/07/22/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
https://malesurvivor.org/
Hot Peach Pages has an International website http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html that has abuse hotlines, shelters, refuges, domestic violence information, crisis centers, and women’s organizations in over 110 languages.
Sincerely and with Love,
Debra
Acknowledgements
Family
To the husband that listens and loves better than I could ever hope for, to my handsome son thank you for letting me spend so much time with you while you enter your author/editor career, and to my gorgeous feisty daughter I am in awe of you and the power you are able to harness.
Mom and Dad S You are so very amazing, still supporting and parenting even though your babies are a lot old. For babies.
Pam and Jim Congrats on Cookie! I think she makes a great overlord for you both.
Mom and Dad D You are such fun and so supportive and wonderful to everyone. Love you
The Florida Branch of Swag Making (TFBSM)—Dad you have been an amazing father my whole life. From tire swings to lake trips to never turning down a chance to play with Pam and I and now your grandkids. Sorry I work you so hard, and sorry you are so good at it. Mom, thank you for pouring drinks, bringing the party and turning up the music all while helping. You should both get a raise and I love you both so very much.
Aunt Jo and Uncle Ted You are the freaking best. I love you both. Aunt Jo thanks for letting me borrow your name, you would have been a far more kick ass social worker than book Josephine.
Friends
Helena Hunting - How many of these have we written to each other over the years? I don’t know. I’ll see you at lunch. Thank you for everything. I love you.
Tijan - You keep me moving and believing in myself and catch me when I need to be nicer to me. I love our chats and the fact that neither of us ever have a real shirt on.
Erika - You are grace and sass and so amazing. Thank you for word sprints and count checks.
Katherine- Memes I love you
Christina Santos - Just being bad ass and sensitive and thoughtful. Thank you.
Heather Brown I will always think of you when Derbra pushes us in an elevator
My kick ass buds
CP Smith
Nina Bocci
Sarah P
LLL
Ashley S
Melissa G
Tiffany
Production Crew
CP Smith for formatting that honestly astounds me.
Paige Smith Editing. I could not do it without you. I am so glad I nailed the names down...eventually.
Gel from Tempting Illustrations
Christina Santos
Promotion Crew
; Social Butterfly PR
Jenn Watson
Nina Bocci
Shan Brown
Hilary Suppes
Career Rock Stars:
Kimberly Brower and Amiee Ashcraft of Brower Literary
Debra’s Review Crew!
Debra’s Beta Bitches:
Helena Hunting
Christina Santos
Sarah Piechuta
Heather Brown
Marty Keely
Lauren Lascola-Lesczynski
Book Bre
Ashley Scales
Elaine Turner
Jennie Gordon Coon
Brenda Parsons
Michele Macleod
Katie Friend
Tracy Gonzalez
Elizabeth Clinton
Danielle Holder
Tessa Poffé
Amanda Marie
Tiffany Johnson
Veronica Ashley
Sophie Ruthven
Amanda Kay Anderson
Melissa Gaston
Brandi Zelenka
Jeananne Cappetta
Jennifer Dyche
Drowning in Stars Page 30