“Is it because of her relationship with me?”
Mamm shrugged. “Partly, I suppose. But there are other reasons. There always are.”
Ben moved toward the door. “I’m going to speak with Bishop Miller right now. I told him I wasn’t going to testify at the trial, why wasn’t that enough?”
Mamm touched his arm. “Ben, these things have to run themselves out. People will get over it.”
“But Katie’s being let go. How is she going to get over that?”
“I don’t know, but Katie’s not the only one who has trouble in the world. You’re looking at going to jail again if you don’t testify.”
“I know,” Ben said. “I’m ready for that, if it happens.” He retreated to the living room. He nodded to Daett, grabbed his coat, and went out the front door. It might not do much gut to stop in at Bishop Miller’s now, but he would have to try. Getting Longstreet out of the stall, he threw the harness on and led him out toward the buggy. Twenty minutes later he pulled into Bishop Miller’s lane. The bishop and his frau were sitting in the living room with the gas light burning bright in the window. Laura retreated into the kitchen when he knocked on the door. She could have stayed to listen for all he cared, but perhaps Laura was tired of listening to all the troubles brought to her husband’s ear. Bishop Miller, on the other hand, had to listen whether he wanted to or not.
“Gut evening, Ben,” Bishop Miller said, answering the door and motioning him inside toward the empty rocker.
Ben nodded. “Gut evening.” He took the seat the bishop offered.
“So what’s wrong now?” Bishop Miller wasn’t wasting much time getting to the point.
Ben’s face was grim. “It’s Katie I’m concerned about. Mamm says she’s being let go from her school teaching job and partly because of me.”
Bishop Miller grimaced. “You aren’t all to blame, Ben. But you do bear some of it.”
“I said I wouldn’t testify. Doesn’t that count for something?”
Bishop Miller shook his head. “The best thing you and Katie could do is stop seeing each other until you get yourself straightened out with the community and the church. But neither of you seem willing to do that.”
Ben leaned forward. “So Katie could keep her job then? If I didn’t see her again? At least until the trial is over?”
Bishop Miller didn’t say anything for awhile. He stared out the living room window into the darkness. “I don’t think that will help much since there are other issues involved. Questions about Katie’s judgment. I suppose it couldn’t hurt though, so yah, maybe you should stay away from her. For the gut of both of you, but especially for Katie.”
“What a royal mess,” Ben muttered.
“The way of the transgressor is hard, Ben.” The bishop’s voice was sorrowful. “And many innocent people are usually affected. You should have thought of that sooner.”
“You don’t have to rub it in, Bishop. I already know.”
The bishop didn’t back down. “Few people learn it well, Ben—except when they’re in the trouble.”
Ben hung his head. “Yah, I suppose so. But can’t you do anything for Katie? I’m willing to do my part by staying away from her. And by not testifying in court even if I have to go to jail. Is there anything else that can be done?”
Bishop Miller cleared his throat. “I can’t promise anything, Ben.” The bishop paused before asking. “How’s the condition of your own soul? How are you with Da Hah, to say nothing of the church? We still hope that you will join us someday. Even with what you’ve been through.”
Ben kept his voice even. “I’d best not speak on those things now. My actions will have to speak for me. That seems to be the way things are these days.”
Bishop Miller nodded. “Just remember, your soul is your first priority, Ben. Take much thought about that matter and consider well changing your ways. We never know how much time we have to make things right, do we?”
“I have changed, Bishop,” Ben said. “And Katie has played a large part in that. But I’d best not go into that. There will be plenty of time later—once this is all straightened out. I won’t take up more of your time. Thank you.”
Bishop Miller’s smile was thin. “I’m here for what needs saying. And I’m glad to hear you’ve worked on getting right with Da Hah. Would you be going over to see Katie now?”
Ben didn’t hesitate. “Yah, and I will tell her we must stay apart. Until…well, I don’t know when. And I won’t disgrace the community at the trial, I promise.”
“These are gut choices, Ben. But right now you must live them and not expect to reap benefits right away. I am sorry that things have come to this point, but they have.”
“Goodnight.” Ben left. As he guided Longstreet out of the lane, he noticed that Laura was back on the rocker. He almost waved to the two of them but decided not to. From now on he must stay out of the sight and mind of his people until his ordeal was over. He had done enough damage already—to himself, to Mamm and Daett, and, above all, to Katie. Ben drove north to the Mast place, pulled in the lane, and tied Longstreet to the hitching post. The lights were still on in the house, and Ben walked up the sidewalk and onto the porch to knock. Carolyn opened the door, gasped, and vanished without welcoming him in.
He took a step backward as footsteps sounded inside. Katie jerked the front door open. She looked like she was going to fly into his arms, but she stopped herself in time. “Oh Ben, I’ve been so hoping you would stop by!”
“Katie…” He touched her hand. “Can you go for a short ride with me?”
“I want to talk with you for hours, Ben. I have so much to tell you.”
He tried to smile. “Can you come, please?”
“Let me get my coat.” Katie disappeared for a moment, returned with her coat on, and followed him out to his buggy. He was untying Longstreet and ready to climb up on the seat beside her, when he changed his mind. They might as well stay right here in the driveway. Retying Longstreet, he pulled himself up into the buggy and slipped in next to Katie. She found his hand in the darkness.
Ben couldn’t keep the tremble out of his voice. “Mamm told me about the school board letting you go. And I went over at once to speak with Bishop Miller. He’s telling me the best thing I can do is stay away from you until this gets straightened out.”
“Is this how you feel, Ben?” Katie whispered.
“Of course not!”
“Ben, this is so hard.”
“I know, but there’s no other way.”
“I need you, Ben. I need your comfort and support.”
“I’m only harming you, Katie. Please…I love you too much to continue harming you like this. We can’t see each other until this is over—the school thing and the trial problem. We simply can’t.”
Tears spilled over her eyes. “And when will that be? Will you go back to jail again?”
“I don’t know, Katie. But you shouldn’t bare my shame with me. It’s not right.”
“Surely it won’t be long, Ben. I’m going to miss you terribly.”
“Katie, please…I love you.”
She leaned toward him and sobbed on his shoulder. “I can’t stand this. You know I can’t.”
He stroked her face in the darkness. “It’ll all be over with before long, Katie. I know it will.” He drew away from her, pulled open the buggy door, and climbed down. He reached up to help Katie out, keeping her hand in his as they walked up the sidewalk and onto the porch. At the front door, they embraced, and then parted. There was so much he wanted to say. That he loved her so much. That he never wanted to leave her. But he knew it was best if he kept silent. He gave Katie a short kiss, then turned to leave.
Before he got into the buggy, he banged his fist against the frame. He had been so very stupid to ever mess up his life this way.
He headed Longstreet toward home and once out of sight of Katie’s house, he yelled at the top of his voice. Wordless yells of agony coming from the depths of his sou
l. Why had he ever done what he did? He’d once had all of this handed to him on a silver platter, only to see it slip away from his fingers. What a fool he’d been.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Less than two weeks before Christmas, on a Saturday morning, Katie woke before Jesse called the boys for the early chores. She dressed by the light of the kerosene lamp. She wanted an early start on this wild expedition of hers. She really needed this break in her routine right now. And surprisingly, Mamm had agreed without a word of complaint. No doubt everyone could see that she needed a day away—something to break this depression that hung over her.
Of course, a day to the beach might not accomplish that, but it couldn’t hurt. And this close to Christmas, with winter coming on, no one from the community would think ill of her for going. And she’d stay along the beaches in the wildlife areas, even though the populated tourist beaches would be empty of sunbathing Englisha in the wintertime.
Tiptoeing downstairs, Katie found Mamm in the kitchen, leaning over the cookstove. Katie whispered, “What are you doing up already?”
Mamm smiled in the dim light of the lamp. “Thinking of you, I guess. And I couldn’t sleep. Katie, I so hope you don’t let this get the best of you.”
“I’m trying, Mamm. But I need to get away for the day.”
“I know that.” Mamm sat down on a kitchen chair. “Should someone maybe go along with you? It’s not gut to sorrow alone, Katie.”
Sure, Ben could come along. The words almost slipped out of Katie’s mouth. That’s where most of her bitterness was coming from. She couldn’t understand how Ben’s staying away was going to help things, even if Bishop Miller insisted. The bishop could be wrong.
“Let me wake Carolyn and ask her to go with you?” Mamm offered.
“Okay.” Katie gave in at once, finding a chair to sit down on. Waves of exhaustion were sweeping over her already, and the day hadn’t even begun. That’s how things had been going lately. Just getting through each school day was hard. Time spent forcing smiles for everyone and pretending everything was okay. Then the practicing and practicing of the Christmas program. When the day was over she’d almost collapse behind her desk the moment the last student was out of the schoolyard.
Carolyn would be overjoyed with the invitation, Katie knew. She’d seen the longing in her eyes last night when Katie told Mamm of her plans. Maybe that was why she was giving in so easily. Bringing a little happiness to someone else’s life might brighten her own. And it wouldn’t cost much more either.
Carolyn, with her happy chatter, would be a joy to have along. How different from Mabel, her younger sister was. Of course, the relationship with Mabel had been poisoned from the beginning with Ruth Troyer’s maneuverings for Jesse’s hand. And when Mamm had won, Mabel had never completely come over to their side.
It was all a shame really. Just like this whole mess at school was a shame. Enos Kuntz had stopped by yesterday. For a friendly chat, he claimed, and to show there were no hard feelings on his part. The parents had all been contacted, Enos told her. And the support was overwhelmingly behind the decision of the school board. For the sake of the community and even for Katie herself, Ruth Gingerich would take over after the Christmas holiday. Ruth at least had the decency not to show up at the school so far. And she probably wouldn’t. Apparently there were limits even for Ruth.
Katie jumped when Jesse hollered up the stairs to call Leroy and Willis. He looked surprised when he came through the kitchen and saw Katie, but he didn’t say anything as he got his coat and went outside. Leroy and Willis came tramping down the stairs minutes later, and they also didn’t have anything to say. Katie had figured out that men didn’t talk much in the mornings.
Mamm reappeared and began bustling about preparing breakfast. There was no comment on the fact that Katie hadn’t moved an inch since she’d left to awaken Carolyn.
But Mamm had noticed, Katie knew. She’d seen the concern flash briefly in her mamm’s eyes. Clearly Mamm had a good reason for wanting someone along with her today. Katie should, in fact, probably stay in bed all day instead of roaming out on the roads.
Katie still hadn’t moved when Carolyn arrived, rubbing sleep from her eyes. Her face was glowing though. “I can go along? Oh, Katie, thank you, thank you! I didn’t dare ask last night, you looked so troubled. I thought you wanted a day alone.”
Katie tried to smile. “Maybe you can cheer me up.”
Carolyn’s face fell. “I’m afraid I’ll be looking at the beaches and the sand.”
“That’s okay,” Katie said. “I’m glad you’re coming along.”
“Oh good! When can we start then?”
“Breakfast first.” Mamm’s voice was firm. “And Katie has to get Sparky ready. Maybe you can help me with the food while Katie goes to the barn.”
Carolyn bounced around the kitchen as Katie left. She wouldn’t be much help to Mamm this morning, but Carolyn would be a joy to have along. Already Katie’s spirits were being lifted. Outside, the dawn was breaking, with crisp, clean air blowing across the lawn. She should have grabbed her coat, but the shock of cold felt gut. If she ran, she’d be inside the barn before the shivering began. She took off across the grass and burst into the barn.
Leroy looked up in surprise, a bucket of feed in his hand. “What’s your rush?”
“You don’t have to be so grumpy.” Katie brushed past him.
He shook his head and kept working.
Katie took Sparky from his stall and threw the harness on. As she pulled on one of the straps, it tore. With a groan, Katie called to Leroy. “Will you come help me?”
Leroy came at once, and he had a new hole punched in the strap in minutes. “That’ll hold for the day,” he said.
“Thank you,” Katie said, leading Sparky outside where she tied him to the hitching post. She would put him in the shafts when Carolyn came out with her. Katie glanced up at the sky. The bright stars were almost gone, and streaks of dawn were breaking in the sky. It promised to be a beautiful day. Just what she needed. She went inside where Mamm and Carolyn were putting together a picnic lunch for the trip.
“Can I help with something?” Katie offered.
Mamm waved her arm. “Sit down and eat, both of you. I have everything ready.”
“Apples? Shall we take apples?” Carolyn asked from the counter, holding open the picnic basket. “That’s my last decision, and then I’m done.”
“Take them.” Mamm didn’t wait for Katie to answer. “And a knife to cut them with. Katie likes to cut her apples into pieces.”
“I know that.” Carolyn grabbed a knife from the drawer, placed it in the basket, and slammed the lid shut. She bounced down on a kitchen chair. “How long will it take to drive out to the ocean, Katie?”
“I’ve not been there since I was a little girl. I don’t really know,” Katie said, scooping some eggs onto her plate.
“Will we be back before dark? Daett probably doesn’t want us out late on a Saturday night.”
“I’m sure Katie will be back in plenty of time.” Mamm answered for Katie. “My you are a chatterbox this morning, Carolyn.”
“It’s not every day I get to ride around with Katie!” Carolyn bounced up and raced for the washroom door. “Aren’t we ready to go?”
“What about the dishes, Mamm?” Katie got to her feet. “We should at least help.”
“Throw them on the counter, and then you’re gone,” Mamm declared. “No washing on this special morning.”
Carolyn raced back to grab the picnic basket, and she and Katie were out of the door in no time. The men passed them in the yard as they came in for breakfast.
“Have a gut time, and be back before dark,” Jesse told them.
“We will,” Katie said. Well, at least she could agree to be back before dark. Having a gut time, might be more difficult.
They arrived at the buggy and Carolyn held up the shafts. With Sparky securely attached they were soon on their way, driving north of Dover
, Katie having no desire to get snarled up in the Saturday traffic by driving closer to town.
“Can I drive?” Carolyn asked.
Katie handed over the lines at once. Anything that added to Carolyn’s joy made the day lighter for her too. So did the bright sunlight and the smell of the ocean that greeted their senses an hour or so later.
“There’s the ocean!” Carolyn hollered in Katie’s ear, nearly letting go of the lines. “Where can we park?”
Katie looked around. “Over there by that tree. That looks safe enough.”
Carolyn steered Sparky in that direction, and they bounced through a shallow ditch. Katie jumped out with the tie rope in her hand. When Sparky was secure, she joined Carolyn, who was staring out over the choppy waters. Carolyn gushed out, “Thank you for bringing me here, Katie. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Katie patted Carolyn’s arm. “Run on. I’ll be along in a minute.”
Carolyn did that, taking off like a rocket. Katie made sure everything was secure and then followed her, noting the sand moving under her shoes. If the day warmed up enough, she would take her shoes off, and she might even run in the sand. She would forget about school in the wild splash of the waves. And she would not once think of Ben even—just the glorious ocean, the smell of salt, and the hope that if Da Hah could make something this wunderbah, He could also take care of her during this difficult time.
Katie sat down and pushed her hair back under her kapp. This was going to be a great day! A minute later, to her own surprise, she stood up and at first walked and then ran along the beach. She ran until she was exhausted, the wind over the water blowing through her hair. She could feel the tension oozing out of her muscles. Soon Carolyn caught up with her and took her hand. They ran until they could go no further, then they both flopped on the sand in their dresses.
“I wish I could be out here every day,” Carolyn gushed. “The waves call your name. They speak of lands far, far away.”
Katie laughed. “You’re quite a poet, Carolyn.”
“It’s the ocean pulling the words out of me!” Carolyn giggled. After awhile she looked over at Katie. “Is your heart healing, Katie?”
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