by Savage, Kat
“Beautiful,” he says, as his eyes travel over all my exposed skin. He traces his fingers from my lips down my throat and across my collarbone.
I feel goosebumps raise on my bare skin and then I feel his fingers traveling down my left breast. His two fingers trace around my nipple and I let out a moan as I raise my chin up to look at him. His mouth is parted, his breathing is jagged, and I am waiting for his next move.
His hands gently push me back onto the bed and I willingly lie down, my legs still hanging over the side. He hooks his fingers into the top of my pants on both sides and begins to pull them down. I lift up a little to let him pull them all the way off. I am completely naked now, but he hasn’t taken any of his own clothes off. His eyes once again trace over all of me but I don’t feel nervous. His hands graze the tops of my thighs as he kneels. He parts my legs and his hands trace up the inside of my legs.
My breathing quickens and I feel him kiss the inside of my knee. I moan again. He kisses me again a few inches higher and a few inches higher still. I feel him pause where my leg creases. I close my eyes and try to still my breathing but before I can his mouth takes me. My back arches and my hands find his hair again. His face pushes into me and I moan louder. This is ecstasy. This is heaven. I can’t stop what’s happening. I feel my body responding. I feel it giving in. Before I know it, I’m shuddering and moaning and finally catching my breath.
He pulls back, licking his lips and caressing my thighs. He stands and watches as what he’s done to me rolls over my body again. After a few more seconds I can make eye contact with him. I’m smiling and he’s smiling and finally pulling his shirt off.
Damn. He’s beautiful. His arms and chest are flexing and defined. His smooth abdomen makes me wonder if he was a swimmer again. He starts to unbutton his pants and I can feel my excitement building again. He lets them fall and I am not disappointed. I want him. He climbs onto the bed and hovers over me as we both reposition ourselves all the way on the bed. He leans down and kisses my lips. My hands travel down his sides and I feel him inhale against my mouth.
He stops and looks at me. This is it. I don’t know if he’s just double checking with me or pausing for effect, but I pull him down against me to reassure him. And then he’s inside me and I finally exhale again as his warmth travels over me. God. This is amazing. Our bodies are in rhythm now and we’re kissing and moaning, and everything is so perfect and intense and passionate. It’s never been like this. I’ve never felt this.
I push away the things I’m feeling and concentrate on the here, the now. Everything is building again, for both of us this time.
“Are you ready?” he whispers to me.
“Yes,” I say. “I’m ready, I’m ready.” I say.
He wraps his arms around me, and we release together. Our bodies are shaking, and he collapses into me. I let my body go limp under him and we lie there, catching and steadying our breaths. He rolls over next to me and begins running his hands through my hair. I begin to laugh, the sort of deep breathy laugh you have as if to say, “Damn, that was good”, and he joins me. I look over at him.
“So, was that good for you or?” he asks.
“Um, very,” I say. “You?”
“Oh yes, I think that will do just fine,” he says.
We both retreat into silence, basking in the aftershock of it, of us.
After a little while, he sits up and looks around.
“You have a nice bedroom,” he says.
I laugh. “Thanks. I wanted it to be a relaxing space.” I know neither of us know what to say. I want to ask him to stay the night, but I know he can’t. He has a life to get back to. “I guess you should probably go, huh?” I ask, saying it before he has the chance.
He looks down at his left hand and nods without saying a word. He stands up and starts putting his clothes on.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Fuck.
I get up and start putting my clothes on too. When we finish, he takes me by my hand, and we walk to the front door together like that. He turns and places his hands on either side of my face. He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. I hug his waist and rub my hands over his shoulder blades. I can hear “Do You Mind?” by The XX in my head. I don’t want him to go and that’s not like me.
He pulls back from me and kisses my forehead. I smile.
“I’ll text you when I get home, okay?” he says.
“Okay,” I say.
He opens the door and walks backwards out.
I close and lock it after he disappears down the stairs. I stand there, leaning against my door and running my fingers over my lips. Tonight is the first time I feel disappointed that someone left. I don’t know how to feel about that. I replay the events of the night in my mind and realize I enjoyed talking with him just as much as I enjoyed the sex which didn’t happen very often. In fact, I can’t remember it ever happening. Perhaps because I never gave it a chance to happen.
I make my way back to my bedroom, turning lights off as I go. Flipping the bedroom light on briefly, I smile and turn it back off. My body wants me to go to sleep but I need to wait for Lucas to text me so I apply some lip balm and try to straighten up my bed. I flip on the television and pull my weighted blanket up over me and nestle into the center of the bed. Investing in a weighted blanket to calm me down at night was a sound choice and when you don’t share the bed with anyone you can afford to be selfish with the bedding. I am flipping through the channels when I hear my phone buzz.
Lucas: I’m home but I’m not happy about it.
Me: Why is that?
Lucas: I liked where I was half an hour ago better.
Me: Well, maybe you can stay next time?
Lucas: When is next time?
Me: I guess that’s really up to you.
Lucas: I’ll see what I can do.
Me: Good ;)
Lucas: Get some sleep, nerd.
Me: Oh, I plan to. I’m tired. Someone really wore me out earlier.
Lucas: Sounds like a lucky man.
Me: Now who’s the nerd?
Me: Goodnight you.
Lucas: Goodnight.
I plug my phone in on my bedside table and snuggle back into my nest. I toss and turn a few times, repositioning myself over and over again but I can’t seem to get comfortable. I close my eyes and try to find some calm space in my mind. I’m still replaying the events of the night and it hits me.
I don’t want to be going to sleep alone tonight. Damn.
12
Lucas
I wake up the next morning and for the first time in a long time, I am disappointed to be in my own bed. I know she asked me to leave because she thought I probably needed to. It felt like she wanted me to stay. I wanted to stay. I sort of hate myself for leaving. Wow, this is a terrible way to wake up.
I roll over and look at my phone and I have no messages, so I roll back over and shut my eyes. I consider going back to sleep for a little while, but my thoughts take over again. I wanted to stay with Dani. I never want to stay. What the hell? I don’t know if that’s good or bad but I’m going to try to push it aside for now. Fuck, I have to work today.
I get up and head for the bathroom to shower. Should I text her? No, Lucas, no. Don’t do it. Not yet. I turn on the water and let the temperature regulate as I pull my clothes off and step in, letting the water hit me square in the face for several seconds. I wash up and get out without letting my thoughts wander too far. Should I text her now? No, Jesus, shut up. I get dressed and grab my keys and phone and start down the stairs. I open my car door and slide behind the wheel. Okay, I’m texting her now. This is stupid.
Me: Good morning you. Off to work and thinking of you.
I stare at the text before sending. Should I send that? Is that too mushy? What the hell is going on with me? I backspace a bit and revise.
Me: Good morning you. Off to work and thinking about last night.
Okay, yeah, maybe that’s better. Less…something. I stare at
the screen for a full minute seeing if she responds but nothing. I put my phone down and pull into the road. I can’t let her distract me this much. I need to focus on literally anything else. I start thinking about the workload today and hear my phone buzz. Shit, okay, I’ll just look when I stop.
I pull into the parking lot at work and pick up my phone.
Dani: Good morning you. What was your favorite part of last night?
I consider the question for a moment and formulate a response.
Me: That first kiss is still lingering.
Me: Then again, tasting you is still very much on my mind.
I smile at the thought. I have to keep this casual. We both know what this is, what this is supposed to be.
Dani: I enjoyed that part too.
Dani: Have a good day at work. You might not be able to reach me later, but I’ll message you back when I can.
Me: All right, have a good day.
Dani: I’ll try.
I wonder what would keep her from being able to text but then realize it’s none of my business and put it out of my mind. If she wanted me to know she would have told me. I get out of my car and walk into work completely unmotivated. Today is going to be a long day.
I should probably text Elliott and see if today is good for him. If Dani isn’t going to be available, I might as well. I smile involuntarily just at the thought of her name and curse under my breath. I’m such a dumb fuck.
I try to reason with myself. It’s new and that makes it exciting, that’s all. No big deal. It’s always like this in the beginning. Except it’s not. And I know it. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of fun and good sex but all that? That connection while talking? That’s not usually part of the package. I don’t even usually entertain it. She’s just really easy to talk to. Too easy maybe. I’m not usually one for pillow talk but with her, I look forward to it. So much for focusing on something else and not letting Dani overpower all your thoughts.
I get to my office and shut the door. I have some time before the morning meeting, so I use it to answer emails and return some messages. I check the clock fifteen minutes later and hate that it’s only been fifteen minutes. I decide to text Elliott.
Me: I’m free this evening if you want to meet up?
I keep working while I wait for a response and surprisingly it comes pretty quickly.
Elliott: Can’t tonight. But definitely can Wednesday?
Me: Okay, that works for me. You want to go to that place you sent before?
And I’m hoping he says yes so I can use it as a means to see Dani at the same time.
Elliott: No, let’s grab dinner at this place close to my work. I’ll send you the address later.
Me: Okay.
Elliott: Cool.
I go back to work and check the clock and it’s only seven minutes later than it was and I snap my rubber band three times. I decide the only way I’m going to get through it is to really dig in and just deal with it.
I’m kidding myself. I know that. I spend my work day thinking of Dani and cursing the clock. I want to see her tonight but wonder if it’s too much too soon. I wonder if she will wonder how I have so much availability. Perhaps it’s not a good idea. I have to get a handle on this.
I snap my rubber band at my self-loathing thoughts and realize I may have made my life even more complicated than it was before, if that’s even possible.
13
Dani
I am eleven years old making myself toast in the kitchen. My mother has gone to the grocery store to pick up some things and I hear a knock on the door. I expect to open the door and find my mother with her hands too full to open it herself, but I don’t.
“Is Charlotte here?” a man asks. His voice is rough and he’s smoking a cigarette and his eyes make me uneasy. He’s swaying back and forth and catches himself with his hand before hitting his face on the door jam.
“No, not right now,” I answer.
“Well, where is she?” he asks, urgency and anger growing in his tone. His face is getting too close to mine and I pull mine back a little.
“She’ll be back any moment, she’s just gone to the store,” I say.
“Well, I’m coming in to wait,” he says, pushing at the door with one hand.
I try to hold the door in place, but my small body is no match.
The door gives way and he walks in, swaying some more. He looks around and back at me. “So, who are you?” he asks.
“I’m Danielle,” I answer quickly.
“Are you her daughter?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say, voice as small as my body.
“How old are you?” he asks, his eyes tracing up and down my frame. He tilts his head at me like he’s looking for something specific.
“Eleven,” I say. I back away toward the kitchen and put the counter between us. He watches me and tilts his head to the side again, studying the way I move.
“Have you gotten your period yet?” he asks.
My face starts to get hot at his question and I can feel my heart pounding hard in my chest. I don’t want to answer his questions. I don’t want him to be here. I want my mother. I shake my head at him.
“No? Really? Shouldn’t be too long now. Then you’ll be a woman. But if you ask me, I like it like that. The way it is now,” he says.
And I don’t understand his words. “The way what is now?” I ask him. I hear my toast pop up and I ignore it. I don’t want to put my back to him.
“Your body. It’s still a girl, still so innocent,” he says.
He’s walking toward me now and my hands start shaking. There’s nowhere to run to get away from him. The doors in our house don’t lock. He stands in front of me and his body towers over mine.
“I think I should go to my room while you wait for my mom. She’ll be here any minute,” I remind him.
My words don’t seem to stop him, and he rubs my shoulder while he glares at me. He looks down the front of my shirt and taps the top button with his finger.
“Maybe I should help you,” he says. His fingers begin to unbutton my shirt.
“No, please don’t,” I beg.
He’s not listening to me. I reach up to push his hands away and I can smell beer on his breath, and this is all wrong and I’m trying not to panic. He pushes my hands away and grabs my wrist.
“Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you should be polite to guests?” he asks.
There’s no use trying to resist him. I can’t wiggle free and I can’t stop him. I keep my head down and I feel him pull my shirt off. I have a training bra covering my flat chest. I don’t know what to do.
“Please stop,” I say, my words nearly a whisper.
He bends down and buries his face into my neck and hair and inhales deeply. “I’m going to do whatever I want to you and you can’t stop me. Don’t worry, I’ll pay. I always pay,” he says.
I feel him press his tongue against my neck and licks up to my cheek. I close my eyes and feel like I might faint right there on the kitchen floor. I feel his hand on my back.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I hear my mother’s voice at the front door and open my eyes. She’s standing there staring at me and this man and I freeze.
“Oh hey, Charlotte. I was just sampling the menu. I think I want this fresh meat here,” he says, looking toward my mother.
“That’s not going to happen. You should leave now,” she says. Her voice is calm but stern.
He looks at her, confusion and defiance in his eyes. “I’ll pay extra,” he says.
“Fuck you,” she says.
“Listen here, you whore, this is what I want, and this is what I’m going to get. It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it,” he screams back at her.
“There’s plenty I can do,” she says. She sits the bags down and closes the door behind her. I watch as she walks to the bookshelf between the kitchen and living room.
“Oh what, you gonna call the cops? We both know you’
re not gonna do shit,” he says.
Right then, my mother looks me in the eyes. “Everything is going to be all right, princess. Okay? I want you to go to your room and get in your castle, okay?” she says to me.
I nod and he lets go of my wrist.
“I’ll see you in a minute,” he says to me.
And I run from him. I close my bedroom door behind me and run into my closet. I close that door too and flick on my flashlight. I don’t hear anything at first. It’s quiet and all I can do is wait. After a few minutes, I hear their voices getting loud again but I can’t make out what they’re saying. I hear one thud, and then another. I hear a glass break and I jump. I reach for the closet knob and stop myself. I know the rule. Wait for her. Always wait for her.
I hear another glass shatter and then I hear him scream. I don’t know what to do. My body won’t move even when I urge it to. Fear has consumed me. I push myself far into the back corner of the closet and the noises continue. Then everything grows quiet and I wait. I hear sirens outside next and a few more crashes and then everything is silent again. I hear the front door bang open and more yelling. It’s quiet again and I’m still waiting. This pattern of quiet and loud, quiet and loud has my nerves in shambles. I don’t know how much time has gone by. I close my eyes and wait some more.
My bedroom door opens gently, and I hear footsteps approach the closet door. They pause and I hear someone touch the knob. I flick the flashlight off and try to make myself as small as I can. The door opens and I see it isn’t my mother.
“Hi there,” a woman’s voice says. “Can you come out?”
I don’t answer and I don’t move. She puts her hand out for me, inviting me.
“Where’s my mom?” I ask but she doesn’t answer.
“We should get you out of here first, then we can talk okay?” the kind but strange voice says.