by Anita Notaro
I looked up from my plate, and the look in his eyes was warm. ‘Thanks, Maurice. Must have been my survival instinct.’ And then I took a deep breath. ‘But I feel so guilty—’
‘Don’t. People like Marc Davidson give the industry a bad name. They need to be stopped. But there are ways of doing this which don’t involve you sacrificing your career.’ He grinned at me. ‘Now, you let me take care of that. I’ll put a call in to a few gossip columns in London and see where we go …’ He gave a mischievous smile. ‘And now … let’s talk about you.’
‘Haven’t we been talking about me?’ I said, feeling suddenly hungry. I tucked into my poached egg with more appetite than I’d felt in weeks.
‘Not about your talent or where you want to take it. So, tell me, I’m all ears.’
‘Oh, God. Well … to be honest, I hated London. I felt that I was getting chewed up and spat out again.’
He nodded. ‘But you made a good impact at Wembley, so all wasn’t lost. A few people noticed you, like Alicia Mayhew. She’d be good to work with.’
‘Hmm …’
‘You sound doubtful.’
‘No, it’s just, well, she asked me, actually, but I thought she was only being nice.’
He shook his head. ‘No. You know, people like that rarely make offers out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s in their interests to work with talented young people. It makes them look good, and the results can be interesting, so we can pursue that …’ He made a note on a bright-pink pad with flowers on it, which had been hiding under his newspaper. ‘Mary-Ellen, my youngest, gave this to me. Said I wouldn’t lose it on account of it being floral.’
I was beginning to like Maurice more and more, and I decided to bite the bullet. ‘Maurice, I love the singing, really love it, but the whole merry-go-round with That’s Talent!, well, it was just exhausting. I’m not sure I can keep that up.’
He looked up from his floral notepad, a surprised look on his face. ‘Nobody’s asking you to. Everyone knows those shows are complete car crashes. No sane human would have anything to do with them. But I suppose we’re not sane humans, are we? We want people to notice us and see that we’ve got talent. And it worked for you, Toni. You got people to recognize your talent, so we can build on that now. Do you know what I’d suggest?’
‘I’m dying for you to suggest something.’ I smiled.
‘Well, that you get off the merry-go-round for a while, fade away for a bit, because otherwise, you’ll use up your fifteen minutes of fame, and soon no one will be able to stand the mention of your name. You’ll end up doing pet-food commercials.’ He gave a sly grin, a reference to Damien, whose gravelly voice graced Pet Surprise dog food ads on the television.
‘Actually, Damien and I did a duet at Wembley.’
‘I know. I saw it. It was quite good. I was surprised that the little git had some talent.’
I giggled. ‘Will I get in touch with him?’ I remembered Karen’s words, that he was a snake. But he wasn’t really. He was just a silly boy who’d had too much to drink. Marc Davidson had made me realize what a snake really was.
‘I’ll get in touch with him, otherwise he’ll start to pester you again. Much though I hate to encourage him, I think you two might just have something. And I’ll put together a list of other songwriters that we could work with. You can’t build a career with covers of “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, you know, although you did it nicely.’
I wasn’t sure if this was a compliment or not, so I said nothing.
‘That was a compliment,’ Maurice added with a smile.
‘Oh,’ I blushed. ‘Thanks.’
‘Look, the plan is, I think, just to stay away from the limelight and focus on singing and recording for the next few months. Only go out into the market when you’re ready, and when you have something strong to sell. It’s got to be right. You only get one chance in this business.’
‘Thanks, Maurice. I don’t know what to say—’ I began.
‘You can thank me by letting me be your manager,’ he said.
‘What?’ I jumped up out of my seat. ‘You want to manage me?’
‘Yes, believe it or not. You may be accident-prone, but you have real talent, Toni. Take it nice and slow, and you’ll be fine.’
I threw my arms around him and gave him a huge bear hug. ‘Thanks, Mr Prendergast … I mean, Maurice. I won’t let you down.’
‘Easy, you’ll give an oul’ fellah a heart attack,’ he said, into my hair.
‘Sorry,’ I sat back down.
‘Good, well, that’s a few things sorted, then,’ he said. ‘I’ll get Sophie in the office to draw something up. I do have an office, you know. I don’t always work out of a greasy spoon. Only when I want to schmooze people.’ And he winked. ‘Now go home to that boyfriend of yours, and forget about all of this crap for a while, will you?’
At the mention of Niall, I looked down into my half-eaten food again. ‘Ah,’ I could hear him say. ‘What is it about you young women? My girls are the same. Meet a nice guy who’d move the sun and the moon for them, and what do they do? Make a mess of it all.’ He was filling his cup with thick black tea. ‘Want some advice?’
I shook my head.
‘OK, no advice then. Just that you’re stronger than you think you are.’ He smiled and patted me on the hand again. ‘Now, off you go and we’ll talk during the week.’
I stood up. ‘Maurice, I just want to say—’
He raised a hand. ‘No pathetic gratitude, please. Save it for the Grammys.’
I grinned and walked out the door, feeling as if I was walking on air.
‘Toni?’ he called me, just as I was about to step out on to the street.
I turned and he smiled and said, ‘When things are right, you know they are.’
Maurice was right, of course. Maybe I was stronger than I’d thought. I could give myself some credit for having survived the last few weeks, at least. I’d tried my best, and I’d made the most of the opportunities I’d been given, and if things had gone a bit haywire … well, I’d try not to blame myself. I also tried not to think about Marc Davidson, and when I did, I felt a sense of shame that I hadn’t done anything more about him. That the same thing might happen to another girl. But I just didn’t have the strength to deal with him right now. For the time being, I’d have to leave it to Maurice.
Maurice was right in another way: if something is right, you know that it is. Only, of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. I was so confused about everything that had happened in London. I needed the dust to settle for a while, to focus on not doing much, apart from tidying Mum’s affairs and fixing all the little jobs around the house that I hadn’t had time for. Missing Niall had become a dull ache now, and I’d have to put up with it. In the meantime, I needed to make it up to all the people who’d given me so much support in the competition, to show them how much they meant to me.
I took it easy at first, just inviting Betty over for tea, because I knew that she wouldn’t be over the top, like Bridget. She’d be happy to talk about the garden and the seasons and all the gossip in Glenvara. Betty was her usual tactful self, not asking too many questions, just complimenting me on my hair – and the scones I’d baked for the occasion.
‘Your mammy would be proud,’ she said, biting into one. ‘They’re delicious.’
‘Thanks, Betty. I’m enjoying being domesticated for a bit. Getting the chance to relax after everything … you know.’
Betty nodded. ‘I know. You must be worn out, pet. Was it worth it, do you think?’
I looked at her, startled, for a while, before responding. ‘Gosh, well … I don’t know, to be honest. I mean, I’ve proved to myself that I can sing, and I’ve surprised myself by being more capable than I’d thought …’
Betty nodded. ‘Oh, you have, pet. You’ve surprised everyone in Glenvara, too. You know, you were always such a good girl, Antonia, so pleasant and kind, and the way you looked after your mum … well …’ She looked
teary for a moment. ‘Suffice it to say that we were all glad that you had your moment in the sun.’
I laughed. ‘I did, Betty. And yes, it was worth it.’
‘Good, well, that’s good, pet. Now, will you be gracing us at choir this Sunday?’
‘Aha, I knew there was an ulterior motive for the visit,’ I joked.
Betty grinned. ‘Well … we were just wondering. That awful Fidelma Ferguson has the ears burnt off us with her tuneless warbling. I can’t stand it.’ She held her hands up to her ears and chuckled.
‘Will you tell the others I’m just wrecked?’ I said. ‘I’ll come back soon, though, promise.’ I didn’t want to admit to Betty that I was too shy to face them all, that I felt I’d let them down in some way.
‘Of course I will, pet. And go easy on yourself, will you? You’ve given it your all over the last few weeks and you deserve a break for a bit. Promise?’
‘I promise, Betty.’ I smiled.
Next on my list were Colette and Mary. I arranged to meet them for sushi in Dublin the following Saturday. ‘My treat,’ I’d insisted. ‘It’s to say thanks to you both for all the help.’ It was a real girls’ night out, in a busy sushi bar in the city centre. They both screamed when they saw my hair, and after they’d calmed down a bit, and decided it was a success, we sat on high stools and ordered off the conveyor belt. Mary had never eaten sushi – ‘Dave’s idea of dining out is McDonald’s,’ she joked – and she oohed and aahed like a child over the sashimi and nori rolls.
‘I got a taste for it in London,’ I said, marvelling as I said it that I was able actually to mention the name now without feeling short of breath, as if it was all a distant memory. ‘We went to this amazing sushi place one night with the TV crew from the London show. The chefs prepared the most elaborate sushi in front of you – I ate all kinds of things I’d never touched in my life before, like sea urchin. Mum would have been proud of me, that’s for sure.’ I laughed.
‘She would, Antonia, considering you were the child who’d eat nothing,’ Mary said, slurping her miso soup. ‘I remember you wouldn’t eat chicken at one stage, so she started to tell you it was poultry instead.’
‘God, was I that bad?’ I said.
‘You were a little angel, all soft curls and big eyes. And you were so sweet, Antonia – who would have thought you’d change so much?’ Mary giggled, as I mock-punched her on the arm. ‘Seriously, though, if your mum could see you eating sushi …’
‘I know, she’d be proud of me.’
‘She’d be proud of a lot of things, if she could see you now,’ Mary said.
I blushed and examined my plate.
‘Bet none of those celebs actually ate the food, of course,’ Colette said, tucking into her fifth California roll.
‘Not like you, Colette,’ Mary joked.
‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy appetite, is there?’ Colette said, unapologetically. ‘Besides, no man likes a skinny ass, do they?’ We nodded in agreement.
‘Speaking of which, how’s Niall, Antonia?’ Colette said, and both she and Mary guffawed, and I was pleased that they were laughing so much that they didn’t notice that I hadn’t replied. I tried to think of something – to say he was busy at work, or my schedule had been too hectic, but instead I just sat there, chopsticks in hand, feeling that I missed Niall more than anything in the world. It was so sudden, this feeling, that it took my breath away.
Mary was the first to notice. ‘Sorry, Antonia, we weren’t making fun of him, honest.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not that, it’s just that … well, I haven’t seen him in a while.’
‘You haven’t?’ Colette squeaked. ‘But you two were perfect together. What happened? Does he wear women’s underwear, or what?’
I had to smile. ‘No, it’s just, well, there was an incident in London.’
‘An incident?’ Colette lifted an eyebrow.
‘Yes … we were in a nightclub after the Wembley gig, and Damien—’
‘Ooh, I fancy him,’ Colette interrupted.
‘He’s an eejit,’ I shot back.
‘Oh, now you’ve ruined my illusions about him. I thought he was kinda sexy.’
I rolled my eyes to heaven. ‘If only you knew—’
‘So, what happened?’ Mary interrupted impatiently.
‘Well, Damien saw a story about us going out together in one of the tabloids … it was all just a joke, really, and he was messing and said something to Niall about it … just nonsense, but Niall … well, he decked him.’
‘Nice Niall, the ER doctor and all-around saint, punched someone?’ Colette’s jaw hung open.
Even Mary, who was more tactful, gasped.
I nodded silently.
There was a moment’s pause and Colette said, ‘Bloody fantastic!’ and Mary burst out laughing.
‘I didn’t think he had it in him. Good old Niall, showing some backbone.’
‘It’s not funny, girls,’ I said indignantly.
‘Well, it is, kinda.’ Colette grinned. ‘Mind you, a bit of an over-reaction, don’t you think?’
I tried to explain it to them, the overheated atmosphere at the gig, not being able to get in touch with him all day, him being ushered back to the dressing room. ‘He was just stressed by it all, I think, and, well, Damien was the final straw.’
‘But why never see him again? Isn’t that a bit harsh?’ Mary said gently. Good old Mary, she was always so tactful. Once again, I thanked God that we’d become friends again.
‘Oh, God, it was Karen, really. Said I shouldn’t, that I had to become a ‘real professional’, whatever that is, and, well, I went along with it and …’ I was about to talk about Marc, but stopped. I didn’t want to tell them, because I knew they’d be so sympathetic, so caring. And I couldn’t bear it.
‘Jeez, it sure is a strange business,’ Colette said. ‘Do you miss him?’
I nodded. ‘Yes. I do. I kept telling myself that I’ll forget him, but I can’t really. Life just isn’t the same without him.’ And with that, my eyes filled with tears. ‘I really like him, girls,’ I said, reaching for my handbag and rummaging around for a tissue to stem the tears.
Colette shot Mary a look. ‘So, ring him up. Ask him out. Do something,’ Colette said impatiently. ‘Antonia, he’s a catch, for goodness’ sake, a handsome, caring doctor with all his own teeth. Some girls would just kill for that.’
‘I know,’ I snuffled. ‘It’s just, I’m afraid that he won’t want to see me any more. Not when I dumped him like that, after everything he’d done for me.’
‘He’ll understand, I know he will.’ Mary wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
‘Hmm,’ I said, ‘knowing Niall, I’m not so sure.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Look, things haven’t always been easy for Niall, in spite of appearances. He takes things to heart, and I’m not sure he’ll forgive me that easily.’
‘Forgive you?’ Colette raised an eyebrow. ‘How about you forgiving him for making an eejit of himself and you in public? Sounds to me like he has to accept some of the blame.’
I raised my hands. ‘I know, I know, but girls, I just want to forget about all that … stuff, please. Just for one night.’
‘Of course, of course, Antonia, I’m sorry,’ Colette was immediately apologetic. ‘Tell you what, let’s order some more of this sake and get smashed, shall we?’
‘You know, Colette, for once I’m with you,’ Mary agreed. ‘Let’s drink to the next stage in Antonia’s career.’
‘Hear, hear!’ Colette raised her cup of sake and clinked it against mine and Mary’s. ‘Here’s to singing, and men and life.’
‘I’ll drink to that,’ Mary said. ‘Cheers.’
After Colette and Mary, I knew that there was something else I still had to do. Well, there were a lot of things, but this one I knew I had to put firmly behind me. I thought about it for a while first, deciding what I would say, and how I would say it. Would I
be angry? Indignant, self-righteous? But I didn’t feel angry, not any more. I just wanted to get it over with.
My hand shook as I dialled the number, and when the voice said, ‘Hello?’ I debated whether to hang up.
Instead, I took a deep breath. ‘Amanda?’
‘Yes?’ her voice was cautious.
‘It’s Antonia.’
There was a long pause at the other end of the line, before she said, ‘Antonia, it’s so good to hear from you!’ Her tone was one of false cheer, and I felt my teeth grit. ‘I’ve been meaning to ring you for ages to see if we could meet up, but it’s just been busy, busy, you know?’
‘I know,’ I replied, as warmly as I could manage. ‘Why don’t we have another coffee somewhere in town? It’d be great to catch up.’ And then I can meet you face to face, I thought, and ask you why you sent those nasty texts. Why you wanted to undermine me so badly, when I thought we were friends.
There was another long silence, before she responded. ‘Look, ehm, I’m kind of busy right now—’
I took a deep breath. Clearly, I wasn’t going to get the chance to confront her, so I’d need to say what I had to right now. ‘I know about the texts, Amanda,’ I blurted.
‘You … what? What texts?’
‘Amanda, I know you sent them, and I can’t pretend to understand why you’d want to do that to a friend, but, well, I just wanted you to know that it’s fine.’
‘What, that you forgive me?’ Her voice was suddenly harsh on the other end of the line.
‘No,’ I said, more firmly than I felt. ‘I don’t actually. I thought what you did was just nasty, but I wanted to let you know that you don’t need to do it. You have lots of talent …’
‘And you think I should be grateful that you’ve thrown me a bone. Please.’ Her voice dripped sarcasm. ‘I don’t need your forgiveness.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Look, I’m sorry we can’t be friends, but I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. And, well, I just called to say that you didn’t win, Amanda. You tried, but you didn’t succeed. And that’s what really matters. Goodbye, Amanda.’ And, before she could reply, I pressed ‘disconnect’.