He’s right, this is the only way.
“We will take care of each other. Like always,” I offer with a small smile.
He pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head.
“Always.”
Chapter Three
I'm curled into myself on the seat of a stolen pickup truck, watching the desert whip by under the light of the moon. The events of the last twenty-four hours disappear in a cloud of dust behind us. Matty stole a car, well, technically he stole a truck.
“Where’d you learn to do something like that?” What kind of trouble had he been getting into? He doesn’t answer me; he just grips the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. I can see his frustration setting in as he drives. I know I shouldn't smile, but the thought of never going back to that place makes my heart feel lighter. Hope stretches out in front of us, with endless possibilities.
***
The reality of being a runaway means we can’t afford much more than rent and food. We ditched the truck a few blocks back and are on foot once again.
“My friend Jax lives nearby. He said we could stay with him for a couple weeks, until I find a job and a place for us to live.”
I nod in agreement, even though he isn’t looking at me. At this point I have no choice but to follow him wherever he thinks is best.
Long before the row of townhouses comes into view, the beats thumping through the neighborhood can be heard. So much for the quiet night I was hoping for. I follow Matty closely as he enters the building and climbs the stairs toward what I assume is the living area. With each step, the music gets louder. I can feel it pulsing in my chest. I’m surprised the police haven’t shown up to tell them to keep quiet.
Meandering through the maze of people, Matty motions to a guy playing beer pong. He lifts his chin in response and motions for us to follow. Once outside, it’s quiet enough to talk, if only my ears would stop ringing.
“Hey, man, you made good time. Run into any trouble?” Jax stands at an intimidating six-foot-tall with tattoos and bulging muscles, but his smile is kind.
“Nah, coast was clear. You sure it’s okay for us to stay?”
“Of course, it’s not always this crazy, I promise. This must be your sister, Alexa,” he says, reaching out a hand to me. I turn to Matty for reassurance before I shake this stranger’s hand.
“Well, all right then, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.” We follow him back through the party and into a small room with two beds. “Y’all can stay here rent free for a month. Sorry I can’t offer more; my roommate will be back next month. I’m sure you can get yourselves settled somewhere by then.”
“Thanks, man. We appreciate it,” Matty offers.
Jax contemplates a moment before saying, “This door has a lock; use it. No one is going to hurt you, but you don’t want anyone coming in here to pass out or fuck.”
His words take me by surprise, but I give him a quick nod, my eyes wide.
Matty gives my shoulder a squeeze. “It’s been a long day. Try to get some sleep, okay.”
“Okay, good night, and thank you, Jax.” I lock the door quickly behind their retreating backs and lie on top of the blankets to stare at the ceiling. The beat thumps in rhythm with my racing heart. I toss and turn but sleep won’t find me. I reluctantly get out of bed, grab a sweater and decide a little fresh air might help. I push my way through the party and out the front door. No one bothers me; if there is one thing I know how to do, it’s be invisible.
The air is warm even in the middle of the night; summer is here, and in southern California it doesn’t ever really leave, it just gets unbearable. I sit on the front steps, arms wrapped around my knees, and try to make sense of the last month.
The door opening behind me snaps me out of my daydream. I glance up to see a guy in a ball cap and hoodie, lighting a cigarette.
Spotting me a few feet away, he lifts his chin in greeting.
“You all right?”
I nod. “Just getting some fresh air.”
He waves his cigarette at me. “I guess I just wrecked that for you.” He walks down the steps and stands a good six feet away, keeping his smoke downwind.
That tiny act of kindness makes me smile. “Thank you.”
“It’s not real safe sitting out here alone. Do you need a ride home or something?” he asks, blowing out a halo of smoke the slowly floats and disappears into the stars above.
I laugh. “I am home, I guess. I’m living here, temporarily. And anyway, I’m not alone. You’re here. You can protect me.”
“And how do you know I’m not a bad guy?”
“Trust me, I know bad guys, and you’re not one of them.”
He tilts his head, pondering that statement. “How did you end up living with Jax?”
I shrug. “No freaking idea, it’s my first night here. He’s a friend of my brother. It’s only for a month, until we can find a place.”
“Where’re your parents?”
“Parents bailed, it’s just us now. You ask a lot of questions for a sexy stranger in the dark.” I laugh.
“Sexy, huh?” he asks with a smile.
“Oh crap, I said that out loud? I must be tired.” I called him sexy, to his face. Lord, let the earth swallow me now.
He sits down next to me. Holding his hand out, he says,
“Noah King, AKA sexy stranger in the dark.”
I smile up at him, extending my hand. “Lexi Young, hot mess on a step.” He chuckles at this and his laugh makes my heart happy. What is happening to me?
A Jeep pulls up front and honks. He gives them a quick wave before turning back to me.
Without thought or reasoning, I use his shirt to pull him closer, our lips meet in the most perfect kiss that has ever existed. I want to own this moment, to take charge and prove to myself that I can still be normal. I can kiss a boy I think is cute. I’m not completely broken. His hands cradle my face and the kiss deepens passionately. He pulls back, smiles and places one more delicate kiss on my lips and one on my forehead before stepping away. “That was...” he starts.
“My first kiss,” I finish with a smile.
“I’ve never been anyone’s first kiss. I’m honored.” Taking my hand, he places one perfect kiss on my palm. “Stay safe, Lexi Young, hot mess on a step.”
I revel in his attention and the zing going through my body at his touch. “I’ll do my best, Noah King, sexy stranger in the dark.”
He waves and jumps in the back of the Jeep, disappearing down the street. I go up to my room, hoping sleep finds me but spend most of the night trying to calm the erratic way he made my heart gallop.
I wake up early the next morning and make my way to the bathroom. A girl is passed out in the tub. I shake her arm, trying to wake her but there is no way she’s moving. Great. I pull the shower curtain closed to get a little privacy while I take care of business. I can’t believe I kissed a random guy last night. What was I thinking? I was thinking Noah King was the cutest, sweetest guy to ever talk to me and I wanted him to be my first kiss.
While washing my hands and face, trying to avoid my reflection in the mirror as always, my eyes land on a razor blade propped against the vanity. I gasp out loud with the sudden and overwhelming need to cut, to drag that blade across my skin in sweet release. I’ve never seen a razor blade before. I cut with whatever I can find, usually a pin from my bag. I touch the shiny, cold blade; my hands immediately start shaking.
I want to stop, I really do. I don’t want to be this weak person whose first instinct is to hurt herself, but I’m helpless against this. I pull my sleeve up and start a new line next to the others. I’m almost finished when the bathroom door swings open without warning. I look up in horror as Jax stares at my bleeding arm with wide eyes.
“The fuck? Matt, your sister is trying to kill herself in my fucking bathroom!”
I’m mortified, utterly mortified. I jerk my sleeve down and push past him, bolting to my room. An argument breaks out betwe
en the two of them but the buzzing in my body drowns them out. I flip the lock on the door behind me. I can’t believe I got caught. I never get caught. I’m always so careful.
Banging on my door causes me to jump. Matty starts yelling. “Open this fucking door, Alexa. I swear to God, I will break it down if you don’t open it in the next five seconds.
I’ll pay you for a new door, asshole,” he yells at Jax when he protests.
“Okay!” I shout, unlocking the door before climbing back on the bed, hiding my face.
The bed dips with Matty’s weight and he pulls at my sleeve, revealing the recent wounds and many old scars I’ve carved into my flesh. He gasps at the sight of them and his grip tightens around my wrist. “I thought you stopped. You promised me you’d stopped.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t do it that often, really,” I offer as an excuse, pulling my sleeve down over the offending marks.
“Bullshit. Look at what you’ve done to yourself. Why, Lex?”
“Are you fucking kidding? Mom abandoned us, leaving us homeless because her boyfriend tried to rape me. Do you have any idea how messed up that is? This is it, Matthew. Welcome to my rock bottom,” I say his full name with venom, like Erica used to. It’ll hit a nerve and in this moment, I want to hurt him. Raising my arm, I motion to the scars, furious. I want to scream. “This is how I get through the day. Both of us hurt ourselves to dull the pain. You fight, I cut. You’ve got no right to judge me.”
He stares, eyes full of shock. Guilt starts eating away at me for lashing out at him. He needs to realize, not everything can be fixed; some things are broken beyond repair.
After that awful scene, Jax is pushing for us to leave. He doesn’t want some girl offing herself in his bathroom. I don’t blame him. It takes Matty a few days to find us a small apartment. We would be on the streets if it wasn't for the money he brings in, illegally I assume. All of this is falling on Matty, hard. The stress is showing in the dark circles under his eyes and the defeated slump in his shoulders. I wish I could help but in truth I'm the root to all this evil. My actions have landed us in this mess, not his.
The apartment is small for a two-bedroom, with little more than a kitchen and a couch but even this is more than we can afford. I take my meager belongings and sit on my bed with them, trying to feel comfortable here. This is home now, I guess.
After a week in our new place I feel at home. I haven’t left the apartment yet, but I feel like this place could be something great for us. But there is always that niggling thought that what he’s doing for money is illegal, and dangerous. I see him getting ready to leave for work, he won’t tell me where it is, but I know he’ll do anything to keep us here. Which makes me worry even more.
“You’re not doing anything illegal, are you?”
He rolls his eyes at my question. “That’s none of your business. Stay in the apartment, okay? This neighborhood sucks and we don't need any more trouble.” His words are impatient and sharp enough to cut me.
I nod. The last thing I need is for him to direct his anger at me. “You’ll come back, w-won't you?” I stammer, terrified of his answer.
He sighs, sitting beside me. “Of course I'm coming back,
Lex. Why would you even think that?”
“You've been angry and distant. I'm sorry I got us into this mess. Maybe you don't want to be stuck with me anymore,” I can't look at him, tears clog my throat.
He pulls me into a tight hug. “Alexa, I’ll always come back. You and me, kid, we’re forever. Nothing you do will ever push me away, you understand me. I will never leave you.” He pulls my chin up, so he can see my eyes. I nod, smiling up at him. And just like that the weight of the world is a little less.
Things get easier after that.
It's officially summer vacation, so the issue of finding a school can wait for fall. Whatever Matty is doing in his long hours away from home, he's making a lot of money. Our rent troubles are over, and we settle into our new lives. Sadly, I spend most of my time alone in the apartment, trying to not let my anxiety amp up into a panic attack. I used to be alone a lot and it never bothered me but now my stress rises with every passerby and raised voices. I can’t stay locked up in here but the thought of leaving the apartment causes a cold sweat to erupt across my skin.
The apartment has two bedrooms and a small kitchen and living room. It’s small, but since I’m here by myself all the time it feels almost too big. I putter around all day, cleaning and trying to keep myself busy. Which is getting old real fast. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I want to feel strong, to be able to walk out that door and explore the city. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want my life to be smaller, for me to be weaker because of it. No, I'm a survivor; I won’t shrink, I’ll fight.
The next morning, against my better judgement, I pick a fight with a very tired and irritable Matty. “I can't sit in this apartment day in day out, I'm going freaking crazy! Maybe you could teach me how to fight?”
“I don't have time to hold your fucking hand, Alexa. I’ve got shit to do.”
“Well, good for you, Matty. I sit here with nothing to do, all freaking day. What do I have to do before you’ll let me go outside. If you won’t teach me to fight back, I’ll find someone who will. Nothing bad is going to happen to me.” I make a scene of flipping through the Yellow Pages aggressively.
“You’re seriously, the Yellow Pages? You really want to learn to fight?”
“Yes! I hate this weakness in me. Being scared to leave the apartment. I need this.”
He takes out his cell, holding a finger up to me when I try to talk. I try to listen in on his conversation with someone he called ‘Z-man’.
The call ends as quickly as it started. Pulling me behind him, he walks us out of the apartment. By the time we reach the sidewalk, I can’t hold in my curiosity. “Where are we going?” I find out sooner enough. A block away we stop in front of what looks like a warehouse. He opens the door, pulling me inside; a gym. It isn’t like the gyms I’ve seen on TV. This is a fighters’ gym. A wall of treadmills on one end is my only clue this is a gym. The rest of the place is full of giant men—all muscles and testosterone—in various stages of punching bags, trainers, and each other in groups throughout the space.
I stare at him, confused. “Matty, what are we doing here? Is this where you train?”
“Matt, I told you, training teenage girls is not my style,” a man says, as he approaches us. He stands, arms crossed over his chest, an intimidating wall of muscle, towering over me. He’s six feet tall and easily three times my size. Matt can’t be serious? This guy looks like he eats two of me for breakfast.
Matty pulls me toward this monster of a man. “Hey, Z, this is my kid sister Alexa, the one I was telling you about. Just teach her self-defense or something. She spends too much time alone and keeps bitching about being able to explore or some shit. Can you teach her to kick some ass if she gets in a pinch?” I just stare at my brother wideeyed, with my jaw dropping to the floor. Self-defense? I've never taken anything like that, but I must admit, the idea of learning to defend myself and fight back ignites a flicker of hope somewhere inside me.
“Oh my God, Matty, seriously?” I squeal, bouncing up and down while squeezing his arm. He's smiling at my excitement while the man known as Z seems a little scared, like he's never seen an excited teenage girl in his life and isn’t quite sure how to deal.
“Dude, I want to help, I really do but this isn't a chick gym. We don't have those kinds of classes,” he says, then on seeing my smile drop, he says, “Aww, hell, don't look at me like that, kid,” as he scratches the back of his thick neck. “Fine, she can come in the mornings and I’ll show her a couple things. I’ll let the guys know she’ll be coming in and not to hassle her.”
I launch at him, attempting to hug his massive body. Seriously, it’s like hugging a brick wall, I barely get my hands to reach his shoulders. He steps back awkwardly. Excitement blooms in me, I can
hardly contain it. “Thank you, Mr. Z, you won't regret it.” He grumbles in response. My eyes dance around the gym, and its various equipment. “I feel stronger already.”
I wake up early and head down the block to the gym. My stomach is dancing with butterflies as I open the door. I'm instantly hit with the smell of sweat. I wrinkle my nose; let’s hope I get used to it. A dozen eyes are on me as I walk around searching for Mr. Z.
“Over here, Alexa.” His gruff voice comes from a doorway across the room. I step into his office, trying to ignore the curious eyes following me every step of the way. Z motions to a chair in front of his desk as I pass.
We sit staring at each other for a few seconds, and I shift my weight in the chair, uncomfortable with his scrutiny. I break the silence. “There’s a lot of guys out there. You think they will be okay with me being here? I don’t want to make anyone mad.”
“It’s my gym, I do whatever the fuck I want, and they can’t do shit.” I’m a bit taken aback by his statement; I thought the customer was always right. “What do you want out of your time here, Alexa, is it?”
“Lexi, please. Um... I guess I want to feel stronger, be able to defend myself if someone tries to... hurt me.”
“You willing to do what I say with no bullshit arguments? I got no time for disrespectful teenagers.”
“Of course. I’ll follow orders. I’ll show up on time and give it my all,” I say with a little too much pep.
“You’ll show up here, every morning at seven o’clock, do the warm-up I assign you and then I’ll show you how to take down a man twice your size. Deal?”
Exposure Page 2