Rewind

by Julia P. Lynde

  So that Sunday it was Janice, Kelly, Molly, me, plus Erica, a junior, and Sarah, another freshman. We all crammed into the small dorm room. "We're out of cookies," Kelly said, "but we have popcorn!"

  We sat around making idle chitchat until the popcorn had finished popping, tantalizing us all with that distinctive odor of buttery, salty goodness. Kelly handed out bowls to each of us then plopped down next to Janice. "So, how was everyone's week?" she asked, popping a kernel into Janice's mouth.

  "Shane's was extra exciting," Molly blurted out, smiling from across the circle at me. I think she'd sat on the other side so she'd be out of my reach if I'd decided to hit her. I wasn't a hitter.

  But I do throw shoes. Unfortunately, Molly knows how to duck.

  I tried to demur, but the girls weren't having any of that, especially when Molly spilled more of the details. "She had a date! And he's a total hunk."

  After that, there was no getting out of it. I told them about the date.

  "Are you going to see him again?" Janice asked when I was done.

  "Just at the gym, I think," I replied. "He's, well. He's a good guy, and I guess he is kind of a hunk-"

  That's when Erica chimed in. "I know Jason," she said, "And he's a lot more than just kind of a hunk."

  "Okay, he's pretty good. But he's just so big. I felt like I was going to get a stiff neck just looking at him."

  Janice and Kelly looked at each other for a moment, communicating with just a look the way couples do after they've known each other long enough. Janice turned back to me and said, "So, just not your type?"

  "I guess not," I admitted.

  That's when Sarah chimed in, surprising all of us. Sarah is usually pretty quiet. "He sounds like he might be my type," she said quietly.

  No one said anything for a moment, but they all looked at me. I couldn't figure out why, but then Erica said, "Shane, if you aren't going to go out with him again, maybe you could introduce him to Sarah."

  * * *

  Sarah and Jason dated for a few months before going their separate ways. When I asked Sarah about it, she just said, "You know how these things go..." She didn't seem too upset.

  As for Jason? He continued to spot me at the gym and we might say "Hi" and chat a little bit when we ran into each other on campus.

  * * *

  By Halloween, I'd gone on dates with 5 different guys, none of them more than once. I'd turned down three others: one due to scheduling conflicts and two because I didn't trust them. And then Steven asked me out.

  Steven and I were in English literature together. He was kind of dorky, but he seemed like a nice guy, so I kept to Molly's advice: everyone deserves a chance.

  Steven was a smaller guy, about five-eight and slender. He had softer features and was cute, once he ditched his glasses, which I discovered eventually. More importantly, he was bright and, it turned out, really good at making me laugh.

  At the end of our first date, I told him I hoped we could do it again.

  At the end of our second date he walked me back to my dorm room. We were standing outside the door. He had been making me laugh the entire evening. I didn't get all gooey in my legs thinking about him the way some girls talk, but still... I enjoyed spending time with him and I decided I wanted him to kiss me. To see what it was like.

  So as he was talking, I stepped closer to him. He kept talking. So I stepped very close to him and looked up at him.

  He stopped talking and looked down at me.

  And he just stood there! I was standing there, waiting for my kiss, and he just stood there!

  So I reached a hand up behind his neck, pulled his head down, and I kissed him.

  Then I fled into my room.

  As first kisses go, it seemed okay.

  I got flowers the next day.

  On our third date, Steven kissed me. It was a longer kiss than the one I'd instigated. I still fled into my room afterwards.

  Our fourth date, however, seemed to be going differently. Steven was still funny, but he seemed nervous, too. Still, we had a nice time. We went to dinner then took a long walk, chatting and softly bumping into each other from time to time. When he tried to hold my hand, I let him. When he tried to pull me closer, I just bumped him quickly and moved away a little bit. Mostly though we just talked and laughed.

  I didn't notice where we were going until we were actually standing outside his dorm room.

  Conversation stopped.

  "What are we doing here?" I asked. Was he about to ask for sex?

  "My roommate went home for the weekend," he said. "I thought we could, well, you know."

  My voice immediately turned frosty. "We could what?"

  He noticed my expression and tone. "Oh, Shane, not that! I just meant we could, only if you want to, you know. Make out for a while."

  "Oh!" I said. I thought about it, then I think my look turned mischievous. I stepped very close to him and leaned up to kiss him. "You mean like this?" I asked when we were done.

  "Uh huh," he said breathlessly. "Only if you want to."

  I leaned him to kiss him again, my hand against his chest, pressing him against his dorm room door. I could feel his heart pounding. I wondered why mine wasn't. Maybe I just needed more time. I pulled away and looked up at him. "How do I know I can trust you? To stop when I decide that's enough?"

  He wasn't expecting that answer, and I think his brain was half shut down by the kisses I'd given him, but he still had enough neurons firing to propose playfully, "You could tie my hands behind my back."

  "I could, huh?" I said, reaching out and grabbing his wrists in my hands. I wrapped my arms around him, pushing his wrists behind his back, then clasped the cuffs of his shirt with my right hand. While he was a small guy, I wasn't going to be able to wrap my hand around both his wrists, but I could hang onto his cuffs just fine. "Like this?" I asked him.

  He looked down at me and gulped. "Uh huh," he said. I kissed him again then released him, pulling away. I looked at him. Still no zing, but I thought about tying his wrists together and playing with him for a while. I decided it would be fun.

  "Okay," I said. I was wearing a black scarf, so I pulled it from around my neck. "Turn around."

  "What?"

  "Turn around so I can tie your wrists together." I did a circle gesture with one finger.

  "Seriously? What if someone sees?"

  I nodded. "I'll be quick. Turn around." I gestured again.

  So he did.

  I stepped up to him, sliding one leg between his, rubbing against him a little as I grabbed his wrists and pulled them behind his back. I leaned against him, setting him off balance, and he tilted against the door again. But he didn't struggle.

  I used the scarf to tie his wrists. I didn't tie it loosely, either. I wrapped it around several times, then tied it off. I checked to make sure he still had good circulation, but I was pretty sure he wasn't going to wriggle his hands loose. I leaned against him and whispered into his ear. "You look hot like this."

  I then reached past him and opened his door, he stumbled in and I followed after him, closing and locking the door. Then I began to advance on him.

  He stood there watching me. I pulled his head down into a fierce kiss then thought about what I was really going to do. He'd bluffed, I'd counter-bluffed, he'd accepted, and now I didn't have a clue what to do.

  I pulled away again, looking him up and down. "Stand there," I ordered, then proceeded to circle around behind him. He tried to turn to follow me, but I barked, "Straight ahead!" So he turned back.

  I stood behind him, looking at him. He was wriggling his hands, trying to get away, but I'd done a good job. I got this image -- it shocked me at first. But I got this image of him, completely naked.

  I'd never seen a guy naked, had I?

  I had this image of him naked, tied to his bed, squirming.

  I shook my head, breaking the spell, then realized my own breathing had sped up.

  I grabbed his elbows and pulled him b
ackwards towards one of the beds. I'd never been to his room, but I looked around and decided the right side was his. I pulled him to that bed and then spun him around and pushed him onto it. Off-balance, he fell onto the bed.

  I followed him, pushing him back onto the bed when he struggled to get up. I knelt over him and began to kiss him.

  He was lying on his hands, and I don't think he was comfortable, but as soon as my lips touched his, he stopped struggling, accepting the kiss. When I finally pulled away, he tried to follow me with his lips. But I was in control and pushed him back again. We were both breathing heavily.

  "Is this what you had in mind?" I asked him breathlessly?

  "Well, um," he started to say, but I shushed him with two fingers over his lips.

  "Something isn't quite right yet," I said, looking him up and down. His eyes got really wide when I started to undo his belt buckle. I unbuckled the belt, then made a big show of slowly removing it from his pants. He didn't say a word, but he licked his lips a few times.

  Once the belt was free, I moved down to his feet and took my time removing his shoes and socks, first one shoe, then the other, then each sock, slowly. Steven cooperated completely. Once his feet were bare, I looked at him with a smirk. I picked up the belt and then weighed it in my hands like I was thinking of spanking him with it.

  "You wouldn't?" he said, almost daring me.

  "I wouldn't what?" I said innocently. Then, before he could react, I wrapped the belt around his ankles, cinching them together. He started to struggle a little once he realized what I was doing, but he wasn't struggling very hard. Token resistance. I made a big show of tightening the belt and buckling it.

  "There," I declared. "All trussed up. Much better."

  Steven didn't lose any more clothes that night, and other than kicking off my shoes, I didn't either. But I teased him mercilessly for an hour and a half. By the time I was done, he wasn't sure if he should be begging me to stop or not stop. I found most of his ticklish spots. I also found I could make him shiver if I stroked the hairs on his arms or the back of his neck.

  Looking back it was all pretty innocent and tame. But at the time, I thought I must be the wildest girl on the campus. For that reason, I felt quite naughty and conflicted. Steven was so worked up, and it was entirely my doing.

  I'd never experienced a power trip before.

  In the end, of course, I untied his arms, kissed him once more, then gathered my shoes, wrapped my scarf around my neck, and was out of his room before he could finish releasing his ankles from the belt.

  "Call me!" I called just before the door closed.

  Chapter 5: In which Shane meets a girl

  The next day was Sunday, and Steven did indeed call me. "When can I see you again?"

  "I have a paper due," I told him. "And besides, I don't see any flowers on my desk." I said the last teasingly, still feeling playful from last night. I paused for a moment, imagining the next few weeks. Casual dating was fun, but I wasn't sure I had room in my schedule for anything too intense. I took a breath. "Steven, let's not get too serious though, okay?"

  "Okay, Shane," he said. We chatted for another couple of minutes, but I got rid of him as soon as I could. I wasn't lying about the paper, after all, plus I had both math and physics assignments to look at and more dictation to record.

  I did, however, receive a small package in my campus mail on Monday. Three red roses. No note. I smiled anyway. After classes, I cut the stems, found a glass, and made a lovely little arrangement for the corner of my desk. They smelled lovely. I sent Steven a quick text. "They're lovely. Paper due on Friday. You can call after that."

  Steven did call on Friday. I thanked him again for the flowers. He asked me if I would go to the Saturday dance with him. I was worried he was going to get clingy, so I told him I'd already promised to go with Molly, but we'd see him there and I wanted several dances with him. "If you're a good dancer, we'll let you walk us home afterwards."

  Molly and I arrived after the dance had been going a while. Steven spotted us moments after we stepped in, so I knew he'd been hovering around waiting for us. I liked Steven, but my playfulness the previous weekend may have been a mistake. I just wanted to have fun -- mutual fun, of course -- but I didn't want things to get too serious. I was at Knightly first and foremost for the academics, not to get all wrapped up in a guy. I was going to have to make Steven understand we would be keeping it casual.

  He pulled me onto the dance floor right away, which was fine, and I enjoyed dancing with him for a few dances. I remember thinking that he wasn't a very good dancer, but I was also puzzled why I thought that. In a break, I told him, "Steven, I want to get something to drink and then dance with other people, too."

  He physically slumped. "I sort of thought we were coming together."

  "I know. We can talk about that later. The night is young, Steven, there are plenty of dances, and you should dance with Molly and a bunch of the other girls here."

  He was still frowning, but he nodded. I turned to head to the student union cafe to get a soda. Steven started to follow me, but I shoed him off. "Go dance with another girl, Steven. Look, Molly is free." I waved the back of my hands at him, shoeing him off my heels.

  After that I worked the room. One boy -- I didn't catch his name -- threw some swing steps at me. Surprising both of us, I kept up. At first it was just the swing six count basic with a couple of turns. "You've done this before," he said to me when I came back to him.

  "So have you," I replied.

  He threw a push turn at me. I spun out then had time for an extra pirouette. He spun me back for two more pirouettes the opposite direction before we reconnected again.

  In the end, we danced three songs together. He was good. I was better.

  Where had I learned to swing dance?

  Eventually I found myself back with Steven for a slow song. I let him pull me close but made sure he stayed polite. We swayed back and forth for about half the song before Steven whispered into my ear, "I have a surprise to show you back in my dorm room." I couldn't fathom what it might be, but I could tell he was excited. He was all jittery like a little kid on Christmas morning. Maybe that was partly from holding me, but I thought his surprise had more to do with it.

  The song finished. Steven tried to kiss me on the dance floor, but I avoided his lips. He pouted briefly, but then tugged on my hand. "The dance is wrapping up, let me show you our surprise."

  The dance wasn't really wrapping up, and I was of a mind to keep dancing, but I didn't see my swing partner anywhere and had danced enough with Steven that night. I looked around and spotted Molly. "Let me just tell her I'm leaving so she won't be looking for me."

  Steven refused to release my hand, so I dragged him behind me to where Molly was standing talking to Erica from our dorm floor. "Steven has something he wants to show me," I told her. "I'll see you back at the dorm."

  "Be good," she said with a giggle. I gave her The Look, but she just giggled some more. I really needed to work on The Look.

  I decided it was easier to let Steven keep my hand than to make a scene about it, so we walked back to his dorm holding hands. He nattered on about something, but I wasn't really paying attention.

  "Kevin won't be back for a couple of hours," he told me. "We have the room to ourselves."

  "Look, Steven," I started to say as he opened the door. "Last weekend was fun-"

  "I know, wasn't it?" he said, smiling wider than a used car salesman. He pulled me into the room then closed and locked the door.

  He pulled me over to his bed and told me to sit down. Once I was seated, he went to his dresser, pulled something out, but hid it behind his back when he turned to face me. He came over to stand in front of me.

  "Hold out your hands," he ordered. I thought he was going to put something in them, so I complied, cupping my hands so I wouldn't drop whatever he was giving me.

  "I had so much fun last weekend," he started to explain, "so I thought this weeken
d would be your turn." And with that, he brought out the rope he had been hiding and started to wrap it around my wrists.

  I was almost too surprised to respond, so he actually got one wrap of the rope around my wrists before I jerked them away. "That's not going to happen," I told him firmly, starting to stand up. "Look Steven-"

  He put a hand out on my shoulder and pushed me back onto the bed.

  "Come on, give me your wrists," he said coaxingly. "It'll be fun."

  I looked at him for a moment. He was serious. He was smiling this huge smile and holding the rope, waiting for me to capitulate. My initial reaction was "no way", but I decided to actually think about it. I thought about letting him tie me up. I thought about being helpless, of letting him do the sorts of things to me I had done to him last weekend. I thought about it and decided I wasn't going to let him or any other boy do that to me. I wasn't at all interested in that.

  So I looked him square in the eye and told him quite simply, "No."

  His smile started to fade.

  "Get out of my way," I said, getting up and pushing him aside.

  "But we had so much fun," he told me. "You had fun. I had fun. This would be fun."

  "Yes, Steven, we had fun," I agreed. "But I'm sorry, it was a one time thing. I've been trying to tell you, but I don't think I've been very clear. I came to Knightly for an education. Casual dating is nice, but I don't want to get wrapped up in a serious relationship right from the beginning. And this-" I gestured to the rope still in his hands. "-Definitely qualifies as a serious relationship. I'm sorry, but I can't give you the sort of relationship you're looking for. You need to find another girl."

  By now he looked like a wilted flower. "Are you breaking up with me?"

  "Steven, this was never supposed to be more than casual. It's not breaking up when we were barely together in the first place. But if it helps you to think of it that way, then yes, I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry, but we want different things. You need someone else."

  He looked away then looked back at me. The evening's evidence to the side, Steven was a good guy. He was just young, still learning, still making mistakes. He deserved me being nice to him, at least as long as he realized that No means No.