My hair looked like shit. I messed with it trying to hide the damage. I didn't have a clue how to fix it. I hoped Veronica got her shit together and punished the crap out of me for it. I didn't want this to have been for nothing.
I walked back into the living room to see where we sat. She was sitting quietly. She looked at me when I walked in. I stopped, and we stared at each other from across the room.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"Fuck." I said. I was a brat, intentionally pushing her buttons as hard as I could, and she was apologizing?
"Shut up," she ordered. "Get your ass over and get on your knees in front of me. RIGHT NOW."
I stared at her and began to smile, then crossed the room and lowered myself to my knees directly in front of her.
"I owe you for four Ronis, two of them in front of my staff, no less, a messy apartment, demanding I take you to dinner, a truly horrible cup of coffee, cutting your hair, and a Bite Me, and now a Fuck. You do not want to add to that list."
"You forgot the sweatshirt and then making you wait for me while I changed clothes."
"I will be burning that sweatshirt," she assured me.
She grabbed my chin with her hand, squeezing my cheeks and forcing me to look at her. "You could have just talked to me," she said quietly.
"If my behavior yesterday didn't get your attention, a normal conversation wouldn't have," I told her.
"You're probably right," she said. "Thank you."
I leaned into her and hugged her. "I thought I'd lost the Veronica I loved. I didn't like this new Veronica, not at all."
She was looking at the back of my neck, trying to move my hair around. "God, Shane, did you have to trash your hair?"
"I thought you'd stop me faster. Can it be fixed?"
"I know a very good hair dresser, but we won't get an appointment today. You're going to have to live with it for a few days."
She pushed me back up so I was kneeling at attention in front of her. "Ice or pinwheel," she asked me.
"You're really going to punish me? I did all this for you!"
"Ice or pinwheel? Or do you want me to come up with something new?"
* * *
That was the last time we had any problems like that. Veronica returned to what seemed like normal to me, and as April became May, we were both completely, totally in love. We started planning for the summer.
I never established a routine for how often I talked to my parents. It was hit or miss, which thinking about it now seems strange, as I was so into routines with everything else. But I called home on a Tuesday, excited to tell Mom about plans for the summer.
"I've been talking to Veronica," I told her over the phone. "She's so pleased with how much I learned in just a week over spring break and is looking forward to my helping out over the summer. She even has a couple of business trips planned, and she said I'll be going with her."
"Shane," my mother said. "Your father and I have been talking about that. He wants you to work at his office this summer instead. You'll come home for the summer."
"What?" I said. "No, I have a job already, one I'm good at."
"Hang on, dear, your father is getting on the other line." I head clicking, and then my father's voice.
"Listen to your mother," he told me. "She and I have discussed it, and this is best for you."
"I like my job! I like working for Veronica. She's been very good to me, and she says I couldn't possibly learn as much working anywhere else than what she can teach me."
"We don't want you spending any more time with that woman," Dad said. "She's not good for you."
"What are you talking about? She's been great to me," I replied, starting to get angry.
"Honey," Mom said. "Your father and I don't like the way she looks at you."
I didn't say anything I was so surprised.
"So you can call her and tell her that you can't work for her this summer, and then we never want you to talk to her again," my dad said.
"No." I said. "I won't. I am an adult, and I make my own decisions now. Stop trying to treat me like a child. I will not tolerate it."
"Do not backtalk like that to your father, Shane," mother said sternly. "This is for the best."
"It's my life," I said, "I am an adult. And I will decide what is best for me."
"Shane Elizabeth," said my father angrily. "When you are no longer living on the money I earn, you can make those decisions. Until then, you will do what you are told. You will terminate your relationship with that woman, and you will do it today."
I heard him click off.
"This is for your own good, Shane," mother said, trying to be soothing. "Now, hang up and call her. It's best to do it right away. We love you, Shane." And then she hung up, too.
I screamed at the phone, then set it down and tried to determine what my choices were.
School was important to me. I knew that. I knew if I asked, Veronica would happily support me while I found whatever job I could get after dropping out of school, but I wasn't going to do that.
I'd once told her I wouldn't drop out of school for her. I tried to decide if that still applied. Then I began crying. I called her while I was sobbing.
"Veronica," I said.
"What's wrong?"
I bubbled at her. I don't think she understood a word I said.
"Is Molly there?"
"No," I said.
"I'm driving down. I'll be there in 45 minutes. Okay. I'm on my way."
"Okay," I said, blubbering.
She must have called Molly, because 5 minutes she showed up in the dorm. She'd be in the library. She dropped her books in the doorway, closed the door, and rushed to me.
"What happened?" Molly asked. I tried to explain, but I'm not sure I made much sense. Molly must have gotten the gist of it, because she just wrapped her arms around me and held me. "Family sucks," she said. "Veronica is on her way."
By the time Veronica showed up, I'd stopped crying. Molly and I were sitting on my bed. Veronica knocked once, then opened the door and stepped in. Molly got off the bed, dragged Veronica out of the room, and told her what she'd managed to figure out. Veronica came back in, crossed the room, to me, then pulled me into her arms when I started sobbing again.
"There there," she said. "I'll fix this."
"You can't!" I wailed. "You'll never change their minds. You're the last person they'll listen to now."
She rocked me back and forth. "Veronica, I don't have a choice." I blubbered all over her shirt.
She just rocked me and kept saying, "I'll fix this. I'll fix this."
I eventually calmed down. She pushed me away and looked into my face.
"I have to ask you some questions. Can you answer?"
I nodded.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Am I just a fling, or in your heart, are you thinking about forever?"
I threw myself back into her arms, blubbering again. "Forever, Veronica, forever. But I don't have a choice. I need to finish school. I need to."
She held me again for a while, then pushed me away.
"I can fix this," she said. I looked away, not believing her, but she shook me. "You have to trust me. I can fix this. Do you want me to?"
"How can you ask that? Of course I want you to fix it. But you can't."
"I need a week. I will have this fixed by next Tuesday." Then she shook me again. "Shane, if your heart really says Forever, I will fix this, but I need a week."
"I want forever," I told her. "You're my only. If not you, then no one."
She hugged me and kissed me on the forehead, then just rocked me back and forth for a while.
Molly came back eventually. "How is she?" she asked Veronica quietly. I had gone numb a while ago and wasn't being very responsive to anything. Veronica laid me down on my pillow, where I curled up into a ball, and stepped out of the room with Molly. They were gone for a few minutes befo
re they both came back.
Veronica came over and kneeled on the floor next to the bed where I could see her. She brushed my hair.
"Honey, I will fix this. You have to trust me." She stroked my hair, looking worried and sad. "Honey, you must promise me. No trains."
My eyes grew wide. I wasn't thinking like that at all. "I won't do that," I told her. "I've already promised that."
"Promise it again."
"I promise."
She kissed me. I was a wreck, but she kissed me. I was sure it was the last time I'd ever get kissed again.
She and Molly hugged for a moment and I heard Veronica tell Molly, "Take care of her for me, please."
"I will."
Veronica let herself out and I began sobbing again, completely convinced it was the last time I was going to see her.
Molly crawled onto the bed with me and just stroked my hair while I cried. I calmed down, and she snuggled against me and just held me. We lay like that for a while, then she slowly got off the bed, stood in front of me, and pulled me into a sitting position. She started unbuttoning my blouse.
"I thought you liked boys," I told her, swatting her hands away.
"Stop it," she said. "I do like boys. I'm just getting you ready for bed." Then she pulled my clothes off me, got my pajamas, and dressed me like she might have a little sister. She gave me tissues to clean up and dragged me to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She brought me back to our room, pulled the covers back, pushed me in gently, turned out the lights, then crawled in after me. She held me while I went to sleep.
By morning she had moved to her own bed. Wednesday was a class day, but for the first time ever, I skipped my classes. I didn't get out of bed except to use the bathroom.
When Molly got back from her own classes that afternoon, she looked at me still in bed. She came over, knelt on the floor in front of me, and said, "I'll give you today. Tomorrow you are studying, and Friday you are going to classes. Do you hear me?"
I nodded. She was right.
On Saturday she made me work out. Sunday she went biking with me. Monday was another day for classes and I got myself out of bed for a run before class.
Chapter 11: A New Plan
Veronica only had one more day in the week she had asked for. I kept vacillating between hoping she'd come talk me into dropping out so I could be with her and knowing I was never going to hear from her again.
Monday, ten minutes after my last class, my cell rang. It was Veronica.
"Roni?" I said, starting to cry again.
"Dry your tears and listen to me," she said. "I have a fix."
"No you don't," I said.
"Do not contradict me, cheeky girl!" she said. "I will be down for dinner. I'll be a little late, so please be in your room waiting. You can have a snack, but be ready to go to dinner."
"If you asked me, I'll drop out," I told her, sure that I would.
She paused. "I thought about it," she told me. "When it didn't look like I was going to pull it all together, I thought about it. I have another solution. It's not optimal, but it works. I don't want to do this over the phone though. I might not get there until 7, but I'll be there, okay?"
"Okay, Roni," I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, Shane," she said. "More than I ever thought was possible. Shane. I'm sorry, but I have to go. Hang in there, just a few more hours, okay?"
"Okay, Roni." She hung up, and I just listened to the dead phone for a minute.
I tried to study. Molly got back, smiling. She came over and gave me a hug. "I got an email from Veronica. She says she'll be down this evening. She told me to take you out to get some exercise."
She had to drag me, but she made me go bike riding with her. It nearly killed her, but she kept me out for a good ninety-minute ride.
We got back to the dorm. "You look like shit. Take a shower. I'll do your makeup. Then you can put on one of your slinkiest dresses and be ready when she gets here."
By the time Veronica arrived, Molly had me primped and looking as good as she could. She gave me shit about my hair, but then said, "It's not as noticeable anymore." Molly met Veronica in the doorway and they hugged each other. I didn't hear what they whispered in each others ears, but Molly gave us the room.
Veronica immediately crossed to where I was standing, waiting for her. She pulled me into a huge hug, then gave me an amazing kiss. She didn't complain that I didn't return as much as she gave me. "Come on," she said. "I haven't eaten since breakfast. I have a solution. You're going to balk at first, but you're going to agree to it by the end of the evening."
She took my arm in hers and started us out of the dorm, but Molly interrupted us. She hugged both of us, then let us go.
"I've missed you so much," I told her in the car.
"I've missed you, too," she said. "I was so scared, but I knew I could fix this."
She drove us to a small restaurant in town. She'd called ahead, and they had a table in the corner for us. She brought her briefcase in with her. She held my hand and didn't let go after we sat down. The waiter came and she ordered for both of us. Once he left, she moved everything on the table to the side, then she pulled a folder from her briefcase.
"Shane," she said. "Please don't decide anything until I'm done. Okay? Just let me go through it all." I nodded, and she pulled the first piece of paper from the folder, looked at it briefly, then set it on the table facing me.
"I called Knightly. This is a schedule of what they expect the financial requirements are for a current freshman to finish the next three years at school. Tuition, books, room, board, and an estimated set of living expenses during the school year. It's itemized, totaled up by year, and with the grand total at the bottom."
I looked at the number on the bottom. It was a very large number.
"I could never come up with that much money," I told her quietly.
"I know."
She pulled out a small packet of papers, then turned it around to face me. "This is a student loan agreement for the entire amount, minus living expenses. You'll have to work summers and save your money for those."
I barely glanced at it. "I don't qualify for financial assistance. Dad earns too much money. The most I can get is a 10-hour-a-week job on campus to cover pizza money. And I have to be financially independent from him for at least two full calendar years before they stop taking his situation into account when determining my financial need."
"I know all that," she said. "This loan isn't through the school or the government. It's from me."
I stared at her.
"Page one discusses the loan amount, interest and the repayment obligation." She flipped the page. "Page two covers a repayment plan." She flipped the page. "The rest are terms and obligations my banker made me add."
I tried to interrupt, but she held up a hand. "Let me finish." She pulled another small packet from the folder. "This is the paperwork for an escrow account where the money will sit until it's needed. The details discuss how the money will be paid to Knightly and what happens if you drop out anyway."
Then she flipped back to the loan agreement. She pointed to a number. "This is the amount of the loan. You'll see it covers all three remaining years, minus living expenses." She pointed to the next number, a zero. "This is the interest rate between now and six months after you graduate or six months after you drop out, whichever comes first." The next number was a two point five. "This is the interest rate after that."
"That number is low."
"Shut up." She flipped the page. "These are the repayment terms. In short, you would be obligated to repay the loan based on ten percent of your annual income. If you get a crappy job, that might only be $2,000 a year."
I did the math. "That won't even cover the interest."
"Hold that thought, I have it covered. This page is complicated, but basically it shows you the total amount the loan will cost based on various job situations after college."
She piled all the papers up.
Our food came, but she pushed the plates to the side. "Almost done." She pulled one more sheet of paper from the folder. "I couldn't convince the banker, who is a personal friend, by the way, to include this in the papers she drew up for me." She turned it around and slid it in front of me. "This is a promise to forgive portions of the loan if we're still together. If we're still together the day you graduate, then I will forgive all interest and payments for the coming year. If we're together a year after that, I'll forgive the following year. Shane, this is a promise, but it's not a binding obligation. The banker wouldn't let me do it that way, and I trust her."
Veronica pulled all the papers together and slid them into the manila folder. She set the folder to the side and pulled our plates in front of us. "We should eat while it's still warm."
She took a drink from her water, then began eating her salad while she let me think about it. I took a few bites of food, but I was still in shock from all of it. Then she looked at me.
"I know it looks like it," she said. "But I'm not trying to buy you. What I'm trying to do is make it possible for us to have a life together. This isn't what I would have preferred happening, but it's the best choice I can find given the current situation."
I ate a little more food while I thought about it.
"You had this kind of money sitting around?" I asked her.
"No, actually, I didn't. I had most if it, but not enough." She paused. "Most of my money is tied up in the business. I thought about raping the business funds to cover my shortfall to do this but I realized I'd probably resent you if I did it." She set her fork down. "Shane, I thought about firing a couple of employees so I could afford this, but that would have been wrong, so I didn't."
"I'm glad. I wouldn't have wanted that."
"I thought about asking you to drop out, but then you would have resented me. You resenting me was better than me losing you, but it was a pretty high price." She was right.
"So I took out a loan myself."
"What? Veronica!"
"It's not a big loan. Listen. I was getting ready to hire another designer at work. We have the business for it, and the only reason we haven't needed someone is because I work the sort of hours I work. But I was going to hire someone so that I could work less hours and spend more of them with you."
Rewind Page 23