I hate her.
I hate that she's so complicated, that I will spend my entire life learning who she is.
I hate her.
I hate her smile, the way it reminds me what was missing moments ago.
I hate her.
I hate her.
I hate the way she touches me, lighting my body on fire.
I hate her.
I hate the way she makes me feel when she isn't here.
I hate her.
I hate the way I'm so afraid she won't love me.
I hate her.
I hate I can't stop thinking about her.
I hate her.
I hate how much it hurts when she frowns.
I hate her.
I hate that she's not here so that I can tell her that,
I hate her.
I hate the way she makes me want to spend every remaining moment of my life with her.
I hate her.
I hate when she sends me away.
I hate her.
I hate how she takes care of me, but won't let me take care of her.
I hate her.
I hate how scared I get she'll grow tired of me.
I hate her.
I hate how much it hurts that she's not touching me.
I hate her.
I hate how much it hurts that she's not kissing me.
I hate her.
I hate that I am sitting in this room, alone, waiting for her.
I hate her.
I hate that I am sitting in this room, alone, waiting for her, so that I could tell her.
I could never hate her.
I hate that I am alone in this room, waiting for her to come touch me.
I could never hate her.
I hate that I am alone in this room, waiting for her to come kiss me.
I can never stop loving her.
Chapter 14: Making Amends
She hated it, I was sure. She didn't understand it. It was too harsh. I waited and waited, waited an eternity, and the door didn't open.
Well, if she wanted proof I could never be a professional writer, now she had it. But I would be damned if I was going to go running back to her and beg for my job back.
It wasn't that long, what was taking so long? How long can it take to read two crappy pages?
The door opened. I refused to look at it. She stepped into the room slowly, but didn't say anything. I continued to ignore her.
My heart was pounding so hard, I knew she could hear it. She had to hear it. Why wasn't she over here holding me, kissing me, telling me she loved me, too?
She just stood there. I finally looked at her. She was holding my story in her hands. I watched her read it. She got to the end, then cycled the pages, took the tiniest of baby steps towards me, then started reading it again.
She read it twice more before she looked at me, truly looked at me. I fell into her deep blue eyes and my heart was breaking.
Then she dropped the story to the floor and flew to the bed. She pulled me into her arms and began kissing me like I'd never been kissed before. I held onto her and just opened my mouth to accept her.
"I don't hate you," I said when she let me up for air.
"I know," she told me and began kissing me again.
A little while later she looked around the room then asked me, "Would you like it if we turned this room into your writing room?"
I didn't answer right away.
"Shane, you know I need to tell you, I told you so."
"Roni, I knew it while you were telling me. I was just so angry that you were right. I don't know if I'm any good, but you're right about everything else, and I have to try. Now is the right time."
"So, you're going to write, at least for a while. Would you like us to convert this room?"
I looked around. "Is there room for a small couch, and we can paint the walls with a splash of my colors? But I don't want us to lose the guest room, so the bed has to stay."
"Perfect," she told me.
* * *
We invited Matt to dinner. I'd been calling him every week or two, but I hadn't talked to my parents.
"I can't just come over, Shane," he said. "You know I have to ask."
"Are they home? Go ask."
I heard him carry the phone downstairs with him, then heard a muffled conversation.
"Shane, Mom wants to talk to you about it. Can you talk to her?"
"I guess."
He handed the phone over.
"Hello, Shane."
"Hi Mom."
"What would the travel arrangements be? Matt has his drivers license now, but neither his father nor I think driving downtown is a good idea yet."
"I hadn't thought about him driving," I admitted. "And I agree. I'm not driving around here, either. Veronica and I would get him then drive him home later. It wouldn't be horribly late, but maybe eleven, if that's okay."
"It's summer," she said. "That would be fine. Here's Matt."
We finalized arrangements.
That Saturday came quickly. Veronica and I drove out to get Matt. I got there, then felt really weird. I wasn't sure if I should walk right in or if I had to knock. It used to be my house, after all, but now I was a stranger. We ended up knocking. I didn't know where I stood.
Matt opened the door. "You have to come in," he said. "Mom insisted she see you." He looked at Veronica. "You too. I'm sorry."
I looked at her and she said, "It's fine."
So we followed Matt to the kitchen.
"Hey Mom."
Mom walked over to me, put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me. She turned me back and forth. "Are you eating?"
"Yes, Mom. But I'm also working out as much as I can."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes. Deliriously."
She hugged me the let me go. "Your father is in the den. Go say hello."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, Shane, you do," said Veronica.
"Matt, go with her," Mom ordered. "You stay here," she said to Veronica.
I gave her an "I'm sorry" look, but she just gestured with her head. I knew she could defend herself if she needed to.
Dad was in the den watching the last of a college football game. He muted the game then got to his feet and looked at me.
"Hey, Dad," I said. "We'll have him home on time."
"Shane, you know we trust you with your brother. If it's going to be late, just call us so we don't worry. And avoid driving between midnight and 2 am, the drunks are out."
"Yes, Dad."
I kissed him on the cheek. He grunted, but that was that.
Mom and Veronica were waiting by the front door for us. I didn't see any scratches on either of them.
I sat in the back seat so Matt could have more room up front. We small chatted for a while, then Matt said, "Veronica, Shane is wondering what Mom said to you. Are you going to tell her?"
"It was nothing, actually," Veronica said. "She told me that you were still on your father's health insurance, but there was a new insurance card, and she gave it to me to give to you. She said you were covered until age 25, so I didn't have to cover you through your job."
"Oh. Wow."
"She did say you need to contact the insurance company with your new address. She gave me the information you'll need for that."
"Okay."
"And then she ordered me to take good care of you."
Matt spoke up. "Every time I talk to you, they ask about you, Shane. Sometimes they ask how Veronica is, too."
The conversation moved on.
We got to the apartment. Matt loved it on sight. He roamed around and even checked out our bedroom He came back out carrying my corset. "This is too small for Veronica," he said.
"Matt! You shouldn't have gone in our closet!"
He held it up to me. "This looks expensive," he commented. "Did you buy it, Veronica?"
"Actually, no," she said, smiling. "That's what she was wearing the night I met her."
"Holy shit!" he said. "Really? How did she look?"
"Amazing, Matt. She looked amazing."
He looked thoughtful. "It's weird thinking about all this," he admitted. "My sister's a hottie. You know that's what Dad was always afraid of, why he always made you wear such conservative dresses. He was trying to keep the boys away from you until you were old enough to handle them."
"He won't have to worry about the boys anymore," I said.
Veronica snickered.
"I don't think I'd say that around him yet," Matt said seriously.
* * *
We fed Matt pizza, watched a movie together, and just generally had a nice time hanging out. It was a few minutes before eleven when we pulled up in front of the house.
Mom came out when we pulled up and made a come here gesture. I had to get out of the car to climb in the front, anyway, so I promised Veronica I would only be a minute.
"Did you have a nice time?" she asked Matt. He nodded, she shoed him inside.
"Shane." She turned to me. "Are you ready to talk to your parents yet?"
I thought about it for a moment. "Not tonight, Mom."
"No, not tonight. But tomorrow? Next week? Next month?"
"I'm not ready for any lectures about my lifestyle, Mom."
"I won't promise no lectures," she said. "But if there are any, they won't be about your lifestyle. Go home. Think about it."
I hugged her briefly then turned away. "Shane," she said.
I turned back.
"Do not cut your brother out of your life. Summer is ending soon. Use the time wisely."
"I didn't think you'd want him around us," I told her.
"You never asked, did you?"
"Go on," she said. "Think about what I said."
"Yes, Mom."
* * *
We had plans the following weekend, but I called Matt the week after. "Whatcha doing Saturday?" I asked him. "Another pizza party sound good?"
"Let me ask," he said. There was the expected muffled conversation.
"Shane," Mom said after a moment. "We have plans for Saturday. However, your father and I could drop Matt off Friday for dinner if that works for you."
I mouthed "Friday" at Veronica, and she nodded.
"Friday would be great. I'll email directions."
"We can drop him off, but you'll need to return him. Is that okay?"
I asked Veronica. "Of course."
* * *
Friday a few minutes short of six, we buzzed Matt up. I propped the door open and ran back to the kitchen. I had decided to cook. Veronica was still at work, and I was afraid the food would burn.
"Shane?" came Mom's voice.
"Kitchen!" I yelled.
All three of them came in. Mom was carrying a casserole dish.
"Casserole. Your father and I are inviting ourselves to dinner. You can tell us to get lost, but we are hoping you will let us stay. I promise no one will make a scene."
"Of course you can stay," said Veronica as she entered the kitchen. "But I thought we were having pizza."
She crossed the room to me and gave me a thorough, albeit tongue-free, kiss, right there in front of Mom.
Then she broke the kiss and put her arm around my waist. "You cooked? It smells wonderful. You're getting better."
She turned back to Mom. "We'd love to have you, Elizabeth. What would you care to drink?"
"Veronica," Mom said. "You seem to be under the mistaken belief that was going to shock me. Shane, when did you learn to cook? You never used to be interested."
"I had an epiphany, actually," I told her. Then I told her about my first dinner party at Victoria and Wendy's. "Victoria made me help her prepare dinner, and I realized how little I knew. Then I watched how much fun they had holding a party and I realized that I wanted to be able to do that, too. So I asked Veronica to teach me."
After that I gave mom and dad the brief tour. Then he asked about where I worked. So I had to explain that I'd worked for half the summer, but that Veronica told me I should spend the last half writing. So now I was writing every day, usually right in the apartment. Then they asked when they could read the stories.
"Some of them are very personal," I said. "But if you want, I can print one or two off for you to take home."
There was one dangerous moment during the tour. I had to show them the bedroom. Mom peeked into the closet. What is with my family opening closet doors? She stepped into the walk-in and rummaged through the clothes. Shit. Then she came out and said, "Gordon, can you see if Veronica needs help opening a bottle of wine. I think I could use a glass. Matt, go with them."
Matt dilly-dallied and then whispered to me, "Oh oh, she found that green thing!" Then he wisely scampered off.
Mom pulled me into the closet and dragged me straight to the corset. "This is not Veronica's size."
"No Mom, it's not."
"Did she buy this for you?"
"Actually no. It was a gift from someone else, just a friend. But that's what I was wearing the night we met."
She pulled it out and held it up to me. "It's stunning. No wonder she had eyes for you."
"There's a matching skirt." I found it and showed it to her.
"I would very much like to see you wear this some time, but I don't think you're father is ready to see this. However, he needs to see you as a mature woman, not his little girl. It's time."
I took the corset from her, put it back, then pulled out the dress Jeremy had made for me.
Mom took it from me and held it up to me. "This is stunning." Then she looked back and forth between the dress and the corset. "The brocade matches. However did that happen?"
"The same designer made both. The corset is from a standard line, but the dress he designed for me."
"You're not serious."
"He would shock you terribly," I told her. "He's huge, a monster. I called him King Kong once. He just laughed at me. He saw me wearing the corset and called me his new best friend, then started begging to design a new line of clothing around me." I indicated the dress. "This was where he started, but I'm not sure what he's done since."
Mom left the closet, bringing the dress with her, and sat on the bed.
"This is hard to keep up with, Shane," she said. "You went from our troubled little girl to this amazing woman, and it happened in the blink of an eye." She held out the dress. "I think your father needs to see you in this, and I would very much like to as well."
So I changed clothes. I put on the dress, stockings, and a pair of heels. Then I checked my hair and looked at her. There was a tear crawling down her cheek.
"You're so beautiful, Shane. I missed you growing up." She got up, dried her tears, then said, "Let's go shock your father."
He and Veronica were talking when we exited the bedroom. Matt was trying to pay attention, but it was clear he was bored. Dad's back was to me, but Veronica saw us come out of the bedroom. Mom stepped away from me so that when Dad turned around, he'd have an unobstructed view. I turned to a partial profile, arranged my hair, and waited for him.
As soon as Veronica saw what I was wearing, she clearly lost track of the conversation with Dad but just stared at me. Matt noticed first, turned around, and saw me standing there.
"Holy shit, Shane," he said.
"Language, Matt," Mom said automatically.
At that Dad turned around. His eyes bugged out.
"Hello Dad," I said. Okay it wasn't that creative, but I didn't know what else to say.
I started to cross the room to them. As I walked past Mom, she stopped me and quietly whispered. "Go to her, not him."
So I crossed the room straight to Veronica, pulled her into my arms, and kissed her. It was an exceedingly chaste kiss, as I was so aware of everyone watching me. I let her go, then slipped my arm around her waist.
"Dad, I know this isn't what you wanted, but your little girl grew up."
And then we served dinner.
Dad hadn't said a thing.
Veron
ica helped me in the kitchen to fetch the food. Then Mom came in as well. She caught me pouring myself a glass of the wine. She turned to Veronica.
"How much is she drinking?"
"That's her fourth glass since I met her," she said. "Unless she had some at college I didn't know about."
"Shane, do not give your father an opportunity to think you're drinking to excess. Keep it to one. And give your brother a small glass. I will not have my children waiting until they're 21, then having their first taste of alcohol when they go get hammered on their birthday."
Had the Pod People gotten Mom, too?
The three of us brought the food out. I gave Matt his wine and whispered to him. "Sip, don't guzzle, and you don't have to finish it if you don't like it." Then I set a coke down for him, too.
Dinner actually went well, if one discounts the fact that Mom and Veronica were the only two talking. Matt sat back watching the whole thing. Dad seemed afraid to say anything, and I was just holding my breath hoping this didn't all blow up.
Well, it eventually did. Dad finally spoke up. "I can't stay quiet any longer. Shane, you deeply disappointed your mother and I."
"I know. I'm sorry. But this is what I am."
"I understand that," he said. "While I'm not exactly pleased at the age difference between the two of you, I think Veronica is wonderful and I can't help but notice how the two of you look at each other. After worrying about you for two years and wondering what had you so troubled, I'm so pleased you finally have it all straightened out."
"But tell me, exactly, when I ever gave you the impression I was a bigot. Or that I wanted anything for you except your happiness?"
And with that he sat back and polished off his wine glass, then looked at me pointedly.
I finally caught my breath. "You tried to break us up."
"I most certainly did not," he said.
"You forbid me from seeing her again. That sounds like breaking us up to me."
"I will admit that was badly done. I came to the wrong conclusion based on the evidence available. I saw the way she looked at you. The way she's looking at you right now while you are wearing that rather surprising dress. And I saw you looking so nervous you were fidgeting and couldn't look me square in the eye. I came to the conclusion she was a lecherous woman who was hoping to get you into a compromising position. It never occurred to me the feelings were mutual. If I'd realized, I would have handled things dramatically differently."
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