by John Goode
As he went on, his anguish was washing off of him like radiation off a bomb. I took another step and I could see his whole body was trembling slightly.
I jumped onstage, just wanting him to stop, to stop being in pain.
“Please, my intentions are true,” he sobbed no longer singing, and then in a tiny voice added, “Won’t you come home with me?”
And that was it; he lost it.
He let go of the mic, and I rushed to his side and pulled him into an embrace.
“Please, please don’t leave,” he said as the mic stand fell over, causing a small explosion of sound and feedback until the DJ cut the feed.
“Please don’t leave,” he said, looking up at me, already drowning in panic.
“Okay,” I said softly. “It’s okay, I’m here.”
“I don’t want… I can’t….” And he began to cry again.
I scooped him up. His arms tightened around my neck as I walked us off stage. Behind us people began to clap, thinking they had seen some incredible romantic gesture where two souls came together and true love was saved.
They had no idea they had seen the strongest guy I know completely crumble in front of everyone.
I carried him backstage and found a couch to lay him down on. He refused to let go of me, but that was okay. I knelt next to him and waited for him to calm down some.
“I’m sorry,” he said after a minute or so. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”
I gave him a smile. “Did you really go up there and try to Ferris Bueller me back?”
“You danced and sang to get me to prom. I thought it would work.” He looked down and then back at me. “Did it work?”
I sighed as I struggled to find the right words.
“Please don’t dump me,” he begged, seeing my hesitation. “Please, just don’t break up with me.”
“Okay,” I replied after a slight pause.
“What?”
“I said okay, I won’t break up with you.”
He just stared at me. “You’re serious?”
“I am. I will not break up with you.”
“I love you,” he sighed, reaching over and hugging me.
I hugged him back tightly. “I love you too.”
We stayed there just holding each other for who knows how long before he looked me in the face. “So we need to get back to California by Friday, I have a test, and if I’m not there I’m in—”
“I’m not going back to California.”
He paused, and I could see his brain working the math out in his head. “You want to stay here? Because we can. I don’t care anymore, I just want to be with you. I can handle Foster well enough, and I bet I can take classes at….”
I cut him off again. “I’m not staying in Foster either.”
He paused again, and I could see he thought I was somehow conning him. “What are you talking about?”
“Now, I’m going to say something and you’re going to think it means something else, and before we even go down that road, I’m telling you this right now. You’re wrong. Got it?”
He said nothing back.
“Okay, here we go.” I took a deep breath. “You remember Aaron White?” He shook his head. “He was the Navy guy who stood up at the school board meeting?” He nodded. “Well, I ran into him and we got to talking….”
“You’re going out with Aaron White?” he asked, sounding a little pissed.
“What? No. He’s seeing someone. He took me to take the ASVAB.”
“The what?” Kyle asked. I think it was the first time in his life he didn’t instantly understand an acronym.
“It’s the test you take to get into the military,” I explained. “I joined the Navy. I leave for boot camp in a couple of weeks.”
He looked like I had just told him I had cancer.
“Why?” he asked, shocked.
“Because they’ll pay for college and I need a direction in my life—” I started to explain.
“I can pay for college!” he interjected quickly. “We have money from Robbie! I wanted to pay for you before.”
“I don’t want you to pay for it,” I said firmly but gently. “I don’t want you, Robbie, my dad, or anyone to pay for it. I want to pay for it myself. I need to know I can do it myself.”
He just stared at me for a long time, and then he pointed an accusing finger at me. “So you are breaking up with me.”
There it was.
“I covered this; you’re wrong,” I said, trying not to smile.
“But you’re leaving! How is that not breaking up with me?”
I sat down next to him on the couch and faced him. “Okay, look. This isn’t working, the whole you and me thing. I don’t know who I am, and you can’t be the guy you want to be. At least, not right now.”
“I want to be with you,” he insisted.
“No, you want to be the best at whatever you try to be, and that was going to college and doing the best you could, and you wanted that way before you met me. When you tried to be that guy around me, you just felt guilty because you’re weren’t paying attention to me, and I got upset because I didn’t have a life and wanted you to myself. Don’t you see?”
He didn’t even blink as he stared at me.
“We aren’t the people we’re going to be yet. You’re going to go and be this incredibly successful guy, and I have no idea what I want to be, and right now we just can’t do this because all we’re doing is holding each other back.”
“You’re not holding me back,” he said, sounding like he was going to start crying again.
“Kyle, we both know I am. But that’s not the point. The point is that I have absolute faith in us.”
“So much faith you’re leaving?” he asked sarcastically.
I had known he wasn’t going to take my decision well.
“Okay, look, that whole thing.” I nodded to the stage. “The whole singing thing was to prove to me that you were willing to fight to keep us together, right?” He nodded. “Okay, fine, then here’s your chance to prove it. I am so sure that you’re the guy I’m going to spend my life with that I am willing to walk away for a few years to become a better person for me and for you… for us. This isn’t me breaking up with you. This is me telling you that I’m so invested that I’m willing to forgo the now to make the future better.”
I could tell some part of him agreed with me, but he was still fighting it. “But what if you go out there and find a better guy? What happens if you fall in love with someone else?”
I flashed him a smile and said, “Never happen—already found my guy. What if you find someone else? What then?”
“I won’t,” he said softly.
“Then have faith in that. I know I do.”
“So you just leave and, what? How am I going to know you’ll come back? I’m just supposed to wait around forever?”
There was no way to stop myself from laughing. “Okay, fine, you want proof?” I said, digging into my pocket. “I am so sure that I’ll be back that I am willing to leave the second most important thing in my life with you for safekeeping.”
I handed him the keys to my car. He stared at them open-mouthed.
“Make sure you take her out for a drive now and then and keep her clean.”
“You’re giving me your car?” he asked, clearly not believing anything that was happening.
“If that’s what it takes, sure. I’m leaving my car with you because you know how I feel about it. I assure you, the way I feel about the Mustang is nothing compared to how I feel about you.”
“I don’t want your car,” he choked and tried to give my keys back to me.
“And I want you to understand that I’m telling the truth,” I said, closing his hand over the keys. “You’re who I’m going to grow old with; we just need to grow up first.”
“So when would I see you?” he asked, leaning against my chest.
“Every single chance I have,” I reassured him, putting my arms around h
im. “Every second of every leave is yours. And who knows? Aaron got stationed in Hawaii. If I got that lucky, maybe you could come and visit me. The thought of you in board shorts is too hot for words.”
He nudged me, but I knew he was smiling.
“This isn’t good-bye, Kyle. This is just ‘hold on.’ Go and become the amazing man we’ve all known you have inside of you, and let me go figure out who the hell I want to be. And then some day you’re going to turn around and I’m going to be just standing there.”
He looked up at me. “And?”
I looked down at him and felt the same fire in my heart that I had the first day he kissed me. “And I’ll ask if you want to spend the rest of your life with me, and that’s it.”
“Someday?” he asked.
“Have faith,” I said, leaning in to kiss him.
“I have faith in you,” he whispered.
“And I have faith in us,” I said before kissing him.
We kissed for a long time before we could stop. “So what now?” he asked, and I realized he was looking to me to guide us through this. Usually it was Kyle with the plan, but now… now this was all me.
“We go out there, talk to the other conspirators, and then you need to get home because you have a flight to catch or you’re going to flunk civics.”
He paused and gave me a look. “How do you know that?”
Normally I would say something like “’cause I got mad skills” or “I know everything,” but I could tell he wasn’t in the best of moods, so I opted for the truth. “Your friend messaged me on Facebook and went off on me. He was under the impression that I was the one keeping you from leaving, and that made me a grade-A douche.”
He looked embarrassed. “Yeah, Teddy is not a fan of yours.”
“He likes you, so I like him.”
He just gave me that bewildered look again.
“So we go out there, smile, thank everyone, and then get you home.”
“And that’s it?” he asked, sounding hurt.
“I said get you home, not drop you off,” I said, leaning in. “This is our last night together until the next time. I don’t want either of us walking straight for the next week or so.”
He smiled back and pressed his forehead against mine. “That sounds good.”
The words fell out of my mouth. “I love you.”
He looked up at me, and I saw the old sparkle back in his eyes. “I know.”
“Oh, now you’re Han?” I teased.
“I’m the guy in love with you,” he said, putting his hands over my shoulders.
“Hi, guy who is in love with me,” I said in almost a whisper. “I’m the guy you’re going to spend your life with.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Kyle said before he kissed me.
It was a while before we left backstage.
Just saying.
Kyle
SOMETIME THE next morning, I half limped into my mom’s hospital room.
Brad had left somewhere around six that morning to change and grab a shower before taking me to the airport. And he didn’t look like he was walking any better than I was. Neither one of us wanted the other to leave, but time has a nasty habit of moving on no matter how badly you want it to stop. So there I was, making sure my mom was taken care of before I went back to California.
I wasn’t shocked to find Tyler there sitting by her bed making her laugh. They tried to sober up when I walked in but failed pretty badly. “Oh, hey, honey,” my mom said.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, pulling up a chair.
“Tyler was telling me about Matt and him trying to get down at the dance last night.”
“After you left Matt actually wanted to dance,” Tyler explained. “It was horrific.”
“I wish I had seen that.”
“Trust me, I’m glad you didn’t,” Tyler admitted.
“So you heading to the airport?” my mom asked.
I nodded. “You sure you’re going to be okay?”
She gave me a smile. “I am a grown woman. I can take care of myself.”
I looked at Tyler and he added, “What she means is that she has grown friends who will take care of her crippled ass while she gets better.”
That made me chuckle. “That’s more like it. If you need anything, call me; my classes are over week after next for the break, and I can get back here.”
“I’m fine,” she insisted. “Just go and live your life. Have fun, graduate, hang out with Brad. I’m going to be okay.”
I must have made a face because Tyler stared at me.
“You guys left pretty quick last night. Everything okay?”
I nodded, not sure how much I wanted to share. “I’m going to go make sure the hospital has my contact information and then get my stuff packed.” I leaned over and kissed my mom. “I’ll call you when I land.”
“Thank you for coming,” she said. “I am so proud of you.”
“I haven’t done anything yet. Let me graduate first.”
“You’ve done plenty, Kyle, don’t kid yourself.”
As with every other time I’ve received a compliment, I felt uncomfortable and wanted to run out the door. “Make sure she gets better,” I said to Tyler.
He gave me a mock salute and then stuck his tongue out at me.
I rolled my eyes. “God, you guys are so alike.”
“That better be a compliment,” my mom called after me as I walked out.
I found Nurse Redmon at the nurse’s station, filling out charts. “Who do I talk to about billing? I want to make sure it’s taken care of before I leave.”
She gave me a confused look. “It’s already taken care of, Kyle.”
Now I gave her a confused look. “What?”
She nodded and pulled my mom’s chart out. “I thought you knew; her bill was taken care of a couple of days ago.” She opened the chart up and showed me the space at the top of the page where insurance information was usually put. No insurance was listed, of course, but someone had stamped Paid In Full in the space. “There’s also an order here for PT three days a week that’s paid for as well.”
“Who did that?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“All I know is that the hospital is picking it up.”
I wondered if this was Mrs. Mathison’s trying to say sorry. If it was, it was a pretty good way of doing so.
Epilogue One
Brad
I WALKED Kyle into the airport and felt my resolve slipping.
Was I making a mistake? Signing my life away for four years just to find out who I was. Praying that when I got out Kyle would be waiting for me. What the hell was wrong with me? And then he looked at me and gave me a smile.
And just like that, my fears were dispelled.
“So, last chance,” he said as we stood in front of the security gate. “Come with me?”
I wanted to so bad, but I also knew if I did, we wouldn’t last. Things would be good for a while, but sooner or later it would become exactly what it had been when we broke up. And I knew if that happened again, there would be no fixing it. This was the only way I could think of to make it better.
Even if it sucked.
“You going to write me in boot camp?” I asked, sidestepping his question.
“Of course.”
“Send me naked pictures in boot camp?”
He burst out laughing. “You’re crazy.”
I reached out and pulled him close. He dropped his suitcase and embraced me. “I am insane about you, I agree.”
“Are you sure about this?” he asked, the fear in his voice echoing my own.
“I’m sure about us,” I answered truthfully. “That’s all that counts.”
He nodded and leaned in to kiss me.
As with the first time in my room, I felt my heart skip a beat as I kissed him back.
It was that good a kiss.
“Call me when you get home,” I reminded him once we came up for air.
He nodded and
then paused. “I am going home, aren’t I? I always thought Foster would be home.”
“Not anymore.”
“And where is your home?” he asked me, his voice teasing but his intent deadly serious.
“Right now I don’t have one. Hopefully it will be with you when I’m done.”
He smiled and nodded at me. “Good answer.”
“I love you,” I said, almost losing it.
“I love you too,” he echoed, picking up his suitcase.
Everything in my head was screaming to not let him go.
Everything in my heart was telling me he wasn’t going anywhere, not in the way that counted.
“Bye,” he said in a tiny voice.
I grabbed his hand. “No. No good-byes.” He looked at me questioningly. “Until next time.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Until next time.”
His hand pulled out of mine as he turned to the security gate.
I watched him walk down the concourse. He turned back once and smiled at me.
And then he was gone.
God, I hope I’m right about this.
Epilogue Two
THE DOOR to the cell block opened and Billy looked up, expecting to see one of the deputies who had been bringing him his meals.
Instead he saw an old woman walk in and the door close behind her.
“You lost, lady?” he asked, wondering who the fuck she was.
She gave him a brittle smile and stopped in front of his cell. She gazed at him in silence for a long while. Finally she said, “I love what you’ve done with the place.”
He gave her a chuckle. “Who the hell are you supposed be?”
“I am your best friend,” she said in that same pleasant voice.
“Oh, are you? Why is that?”
“Because I am the person who just paid your bail.”
Billy felt the blood in his veins turn to ice water. “What?”
“I just paid your bail; you’re free to go.”
He shook his head. “Bullshit. I have warrants in three states. No way a judge would set a bail.”
“Oh, that’s one of the many benefits of being close personal friends with so many judges. They will do all kinds of things for you if you ask nicely enough.”