by Kim Hoover
“I don’t know what to say to you, girl,” he said as he came through the front door. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Dad, you’ve been right about Mom all along. I just kept thinking that if I could talk sense to her, she would get out of that mess and come back home.”
“Well, I understand,” he said. “I’ve felt that way about Joyce for a long time. I’ve tried to talk sense to her about all kinds of things. Truth is, I haven’t been able to get through to her for years now.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I really am.”
He hugged me and said, “You’ve done all you can do. Let it go.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Cal!” Rachel said when I knocked on her door the next day. “Thank goodness you’re back.”
“I guess so,” I said. “Things aren’t exactly working out like I planned. But, hey, you look great. All back to normal.”
“Tell me what you did up there. What was it like? What’s happening with the gang? How did the police track you down?”
“One thing at a time,” I said, sitting on her couch. “Bev got in touch with me this morning. She told me the Rangers are monitoring every move the gang makes, so I shouldn’t worry about them coming after me.”
“That sounds like good news.”
“Yeah, they still expect them to hit the petroleum reserve any day now. I didn’t get anywhere with Mom. So, if she’s with them when they make that hit, I don’t know how she’ll survive.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Jane says I’ve done all I can do. And Dad too.”
“You have! And don’t give up hope. There’s a chance your words got through.”
“I guess so.”
“Where is Jane?”
“They separated us in Amarillo and I assume she’s at home.”
“That sounds right. I overhead my parents talking, and it turns out that school in New York doesn’t want her back. Once they found out she left the campus without her parents’ permission, they decided she was too much trouble.”
“Knowing Jane, that was part of her plan all along.”
“I wouldn’t put it past her. Her phone number’s no good now,” Rachel said.
“I know. I thought about Ted, but his number is unlisted. I think going over there is the only way. We have to sneak in somehow.”
“Here we go, right back into hot water.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t go with me,” I said. “You’re just back to your old self. The last thing we need is a setback with you.”
“Oh, I’m going with you. Are you kidding?”
We waited until sunset to make it less likely that anyone would notice us. Dressed all in black, we rode without our lights on.
“I feel like a cat burglar,” Rachel said. “Like in that TV show. The one about a guy who used to be a thief and now he breaks into places as a good guy.”
“Right. Well, I hope you’re as good as he is.”
We left our bikes in some bushes several yards away from the entrance to the property. We ran alongside the stone fence and reached the main house.
“I know what to do,” I said. “If we can get into the kitchen, there’s a dumbwaiter we can fit into, one at a time, and get up to her floor.”
“Brilliant!”
“Let’s hope so.”
We crawled to the front side of the house, looking in the windows to see if her parents were there. We saw Jane’s dad sitting in their family room, reading a book, but we didn’t see her mom. It looked like maybe he was the only one home. We made our way around the house until we got to the kitchen. We didn’t see anyone there. I tried the door. It was unlocked! I put my finger to my lips, signaling Rachel to be quiet. We tiptoed over to the dumbwaiter. Sure enough, it was just the right size for one of us. I pointed to the button that Rachel should push once I was inside.
“I’ll send it back for you,” I mimed.
I got inside and went up. The door opened automatically when I got to the top floor so I had to hope no one would be in the hallway to see me. It was dark and the hallway was empty. I sent the dumbwaiter back for Rachel, but after a few minutes it still hadn’t come back. I wondered if she couldn’t figure out how to send herself up. After a few more minutes, I gave up, hoping there wasn’t a problem. Just as I walked away, she appeared.
“What happened?”
“Her dad came into the kitchen. I had to jump into the pantry and hide until he left.”
“You’re sure he didn’t see or hear anything?”
“Sure as I can be. I waited until it was completely quiet. Nobody was in the kitchen when I got in this thing.”
We crept down the hall to Jane’s room. I knocked as quietly as I could and listened with my ear on the door.
“Jane,” I said in a loud whisper. “Are you in there?”
There was no answer.
“Just open it,” Rachel said.
Jane wasn’t in her room, but I could tell she hadn’t been gone long. The room smelled like her and I stood there, just breathing her in. There was a half-eaten sandwich on the table next to her bed. And the bathroom had recently been used for a shower.
“She’s definitely been here,” Rachel said. “I say we wait and see if she shows up.”
“She’s probably somewhere with her mom, right?”
We sat on the floor near the bed and talked in soft voices. After a while, we heard some activity in the hallway and I recognized Jane’s voice. We rushed over to the closet, just in case she wasn’t alone.
“I know that was tough,” we heard her mother say, “but it’s for your own good. Now goodnight.”
When the door closed, we came out of the closet.
“Holy crap,” Jane whispered. She grabbed both of us. “I can’t believe you’re here. How did you get in?”
We explained and she was very impressed with our cat burglary.
“Where were you? What was your mom talking about?” I asked.
She held her hands to her head and squeezed. “They’re trying to shrink my brain.”
“Not the shock.”
“No, thank god. Just talk for now.”
“What do they say?” Rachel asked.
“Just a bunch of BS about how God made the woman for the man, and you can’t have a woman with a woman or a man with a man. Blah blah blah. That if I think I like girls, I have a mental illness and they will have to treat me.”
“And what do you say?” I asked.
“I act like I know that and it’s all fine. I say I don’t like girls except as friends, like a normal person. So long as they let me out of there.”
“Do they believe you?” I asked.
“I have to go back a few more times. He gave me this test and if I pass it three more times, I’ll be cured forever, according to him.”
“It’s not fair that you have to lie, but it’s probably the best thing to do,” Rachel said. “Otherwise, they won’t leave you alone. I had a cousin who was like that. He never could pass the test because he told the truth. They ended up doing something to him that made him lose his mind. He lives in a home now.”
“Rachel’s right. You don’t have a choice. Just tell them what they want to hear.”
“How far do I have to go with that? Find some guy, get married, have kids, fake my whole life?”
Rachel and I both stared at the floor.
“It’s not like this everywhere,” Jane said. “I’ve lived in LA. People I went to school with are from New York City. It’s not normal or anything, but there are pockets here and there where people can be who they are. In San Francisco, they even have something called Gay Pride with parades and parties and they have fun.”
“We can move there!” Rachel said. “When we’re older I mean.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “You’re not gay.”
“I know, but I like gay people.”
We heard a noise in the hallway.
“Quick, get in the closet,” Jane said.
&n
bsp; There was a knock on the door and then her mother opened it. “I just want to say how proud I am of you, honey. You’re going to be fine. Everything will be back to normal soon.”
“Sure, Mom. Everything is normal.”
Jane gave us the all clear.
“Are you back in school here?” I asked.
“Starting next week,” she said.
“Can we still see each other?”
“I don’t see how. They’re going to lobotomize me if they think I’m backsliding.”
“There has to be a way,” I said. “I’m not giving up. This isn’t right.”
“I never thought it would come to this. I wouldn’t have been so obvious.”
“It’s your mom,” I said.
“Yeah. My dad doesn’t care. He’s just keeping her off his back.”
“Maybe we could change her mind.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Wait, what if you both had boyfriends,” Rachel said.
I looked at Jane and thought about it.
“I think it could work! How could anyone complain? We have boyfriends and we all hang out together.”
“I guess I could make that work, for a while, maybe,” Jane said. “But it’s not a long-term solution. I can’t live like this. I’m close to considering emancipation.”
“What’s that?” Rachel asked.
“It means you’re on your own, out of your parents’ control. An adult.”
“Is that really necessary?” I asked, panicked at the thought of Jane off on her own somewhere.
“I don’t think you quite get it, Cal. This is who I am. I don’t want to hide or pretend. I’ve been doing that for too long. I guess it’s not the same for you.”
I put my arms around her and held her close. “I’m starting to understand. Give me time.”
“Jane!” It was her mother calling from the hallway. “Come downstairs. I have something for you.”
“You two get out of here,” Jane said. “Be careful.”
Jane unlocked her window and we went down the fire escape and made our way back to our bikes. I felt unsettled by our conversation. I had started to feel the reality of not being “normal,” and I was not quite sure how to handle it.
Chapter Thirty
My dad and I were getting along really well since I got back from New York. We talked about a lot of things, including how odd it was that neither Frankie or I had heard from Mom in about ten days. It was eerily calm for me after spending so much time looking over my shoulder in fear of being dragged off the street. I stayed in touch with Bev, but all she could tell me was that they were still monitoring the gang, waiting for them to make a move.
Meanwhile, Jane and I acted on the boyfriend idea. Jane started hanging out at football practice and flirting with the boys. Rachel and I stopped by a few times for moral support, but it made me feel sad to watch her. I could feel how humiliating it was for her. I wasn’t even jealous because I knew it was me she wanted to be with.
It wasn’t long until Jimmy, the star running back and captain of the football team, started hanging back after practice to talk to her. She told me about it during lunch in the cafeteria one day—one of the few places we got a chance to talk.
“He asked me out,” she said. “So I guess the plan may work.”
“Where are you going?”
“Just to the movies. Saturday night.”
I stared into her eyes for a little too long.
“I miss you,” I whispered.
“This is killing me,” she said.
“I know. But it’s the only way. I couldn’t take it if they sent you away again.”
“Meet me in the locker room after school. Girls track has practice, but it’ll be all clear after they’re dressed and on the field.”
We met in the locker room and after all the girls had left for practice, we were alone together for the first time in weeks. She took my hand and pulled me into a shower stall in the back, pushing the thin cloth curtain across its track.
“I just want to look at you for a minute,” she said. “I haven’t dared to really look at you in school since we’ve been back. People would see right through me.”
We stood there in the wet, musty, dank shower stall, in a world of our own where only the two of us existed. She wore a cotton miniskirt and a short-sleeved blouse with buttons in the front. I started to unbutton the shirt as I kissed her lips. She closed her eyes and I kissed her neck, her chest heaving deeply against me. When her lips found mine again, she cupped my head in her hands, kissing me gently through tears that slipped into my mouth as my whole body started to ache.
“Why are you crying?”
I looked at her, my own tears summoned up in sympathy. Before she could respond, we heard a door open and a locker squeak. Someone had bailed on practice. We stood still and quiet and waited for the silence again.
“I don’t know how long I can do this,” she whispered. “This town, these people, my own mother, are all so backward. We have to get away from here.”
“You’re scaring me,” I said, starting to tremble. “We can’t run away. They would find us and end up destroying us. We have to hold on. Get out of high school. Be free to go and do whatever we want. Please tell me you won’t do anything crazy. Like that emancipation thing. Promise me.”
She kissed me, nodding, but without much conviction. We left the locker room separately.
It wasn’t long before Jane and Jimmy were a couple. I had to admire her acting ability. She was flawless, playing the part of the good girlfriend. She reminded me, often, that it was all for me. She even convinced her shrink and her parents that she was fully recovered from being gay. But she didn’t like it at all that I had a boyfriend too.
I had accepted the attentions of that boy who had had a crush on me since seventh grade—Scott. He and I talked on the phone for hours every night.
“Why do you put so much effort into it?” Jane asked me one day when we met in the hall.
“I don’t think I try any harder than you do,” I said. “The more convincing we are at being straight, the less anyone cares how we act with each other.”
“I just don’t want you to convince yourself that you’re straight.”
“And I want you to trust me. This is working great. Don’t we have another double-date this weekend?”
“Okay, okay. You’re right.”
I took a chance and gave her a quick kiss before running to my next class.
“Stop hogging the phone!”
Rachel yelled one night after one of my long calls with Scott. My dad and her parents had given me temporary permission to live with her because my dad understood how cramped I was at his apartment.
“Sorry.”
“I can’t ever talk to my boyfriend, who is a real boyfriend, by the way,” she said.
I told Scott we had to keep it to twenty minutes. I wanted him to be satisfied with the phone attention so I didn’t have to hang out with him except when we were with Jane and Jimmy. The double-date strategy worked well.
“Movies this weekend?” Jane said as we passed in the hall.
She and I didn’t talk on the phone. It was too risky. Her parents were on guard for a relapse. The four of us would meet at the movie theater and Jane and I would go immediately to the ladies’ room. If we could get a minute alone, we would kiss and hold each other for as long as we dared. Once I had Jane pressed up against the wall with my hands up her shirt when the door opened and two older women came in. I jumped back and knocked over the trash can, spilling paper towels and Coke cans all over the place.
“I am such a dork!” I said.
They laughed and helped us clean up the mess, so I guess they didn’t notice what we were up to. We went on this way for weeks, but then Scott started complaining about not having any time alone.
“Why do we always have to go with Jane and Jimmy? Let’s go out by ourselves this weekend.”
“I don’t know. I do
n’t want to hurt their feelings.”
“Jimmy doesn’t care. Jane’s the one who’s obsessed with you.”
I was silent for a second, shocked and worried by what he said. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“They say she’s a little, you know…squirrely.”
I couldn’t let him think that. I felt like I had to play along. “First of all, I don’t know what you’re referring to about Jane. She’s crazy over Jimmy. She never stops talking about him. And, okay, just you and me this weekend is great.”
I caught Jane outside the girls’ locker room during PE and told her I had to go out with Scott alone that weekend.
“What?” she grabbed my wrist and twisted it.
“Ouch!” I said.
“I’m sorry,” she said, letting go. “But why?”
“I have to. He thinks there could be something going on with you and me.”
“You like him, don’t you,” she said, pounding her fist against the fence.
“No! I’m just doing this so he shuts up,” I said, grasping and holding her hands for way too long.
“What are you going to let him do?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Are you kidding?”
I backed away from her, shaking my head.
“He wants to be alone because he wants to get his hands in your pants.”
I knew she was right.
“If you won’t, he’s going to break up with you.”
“So what?”
“You can’t let him break up with you right before Homecoming. We have to go together.”
“That’s another three weeks.”
“You have to hold him off,” she said, gripping my arm. “Even if you’re alone with him, you can’t let him touch you.”
“I won’t!”
“I couldn’t take it, Cal.”
She came really close and I thought she was going to kiss me, but the gym teacher walked by just then.
“Move along, girls,” she said, winking.
As the weekend approached, I had less and less stomach for going out with Scott alone and having to fend him off. Then Bev called to say they had information that the gang appeared to be mobilizing for a move into Palo Duro Canyon. There was no indication they were coming back to town, but I should be on the alert. That truly made me sick and I convincingly told Scott I couldn’t go out with him that Saturday.