by Jenica Saren
My first thought was borderline murderous, directed toward Clove and her insane antics.
The second thought was nothing but a sense of pure relief that flooded through me, telling my body that it could finally relax and it was all okay.
Lying, traitorous thoughts.
4 Ria
Through the darkness that I found myself swimming in and the obnoxious thudding of my heart in my ears, I thought I could hear shouting. Recognition nipped at the back of my mind like a cat vying for my attention, but I wasn't exactly sure what to tell it.
I'm busy. Go away.
Much to my annoyance, it didn't. I began growing more and more agitated with whatever I was hearing. All I wanted was to sit back and enjoy floating on the waves of blissful nothingness. No memories, no pain, no struggle, no Sins.
My agitation grew as the memory nipper became more aggressive at the last mention, but I couldn't recall why I'd thought it. I didn't even know what my brain was talking about, which was fine by me. The less I listened to my brain in the first place, the more the waves carried me into a sense of peace.
Something outside of my sea of darkness jostled me and I was flipped over a few times as the waves became more tumultuous. I tried to soothe them by whispering calming words, coaxing them back into their peaceful rhythms. But, they were disturbed, like a crying baby in the middle of the night that didn't understand how to calm down.
The little void of mine shook and rumbled around me. If it were a building, I'd have found myself crushed beneath the weight of all the rubble already, that's how much force it was exerting.
Somewhere in the distance, I could hear voices. That shouting again. It wasn't registering quite right in my head, but I couldn't figure out why. The sounds were muffled and far off, but they were seriously killing the chill vibe that I had going on.
When the darkness shook in protest again, I cringed. The voices were louder, but no more pronounced, no clearer than they had already been. Part of me wanted to understand what they were saying so that I could tell them to fuck off, but the other part just wanted to lay back down in the waves.
Much to my annoyance, I could hear a voice among the waves, just a singular voice as opposed to the earlier barrage of voices. My peace was disturbed because of this voice, this soothing, coaxing voice. It sounded as though it was calling out me, asking me to respond, demanding that I listen, but I didn't want to.
Internally, I protested. I didn't want to. While familiarity continued nudging my thoughts, I still couldn't think. I imagined I didn't want to remember. I got the sense of loneliness and pain. What kind of person would want to leave this peacefully darkness to go back to someplace that they would be hurting?
No one, that's who.
My heels were mentally dug in and I refused to budge. That voice wasn't moving me, it wasn't making me go back to whatever awaited me.
Just as my resolve had hardened and tried to block out the sound of the voice, I felt something connect with my face. It hit hard and it stung like a hundred tiny embers from a flame landing on my cheek.
Shocked, I found myself shooting up into a sitting position, being blinded my dim light that seemed absurdly light in contrast to the darkness I had been lying in.
Glancing around, I caught seven sets of eyes. Seven faces turned on me, but the closest one was the face that I focused on, narrowing my eyes into a glare that also served to slightly shield my eyes from the sudden bombardment of light.
"Fucking ow!" I hissed at Clove, rubbing the side of my face. "What the hell was that for?"
The crazy woman had the nerve to smile, as though to herself, obviously pleased with her actions. "Good, you're up," she commented, waving her hand in a little flapping motion. "Now these six can stop flooding my kitchen with negative emotion. I mean, really." She huffed out the last part as she shot a glare at the guys, all who were wearing matching carefully blank expressions.
That was weird.
I'd never given much thought to it, but it stood to reason that there was a high chance she knew about the guys, given the fact that they were living in her house. But she mentioned feeling energy, so did that mean she was something... Otherworldly like them? It didn't seem so far-fetched at the moment.
"Why did you hit me?" I asked since she ignored my first question.
Clove reached out and patted my hand gently. "You were drowning in the void, dear," she explained.
My mouth fell open with a little pop as I gaped at my eccentric, possibly insane, possibly magical landlord. "The void?" I repeated. My face, I'm sure, was one huge question mark.
She nodded sagely and continued patting my hand. "Nasty thing, the void. Full of lies and souls of the lost," she answered grimly. "Someone must have had a real grudge against you. That's where that nasty shadow at the church came from, you know."
At that last statement, my jaw wasn't the only one catching flies. Five sets of eyes, five mouths, all hung open in relative shock. For starters, we hadn't told anyone about what went down in the church except for Drea, who was completely outraged that she was left behind, despite being unconscious.
The second thing was that it definitely proved she was magical. And apparently either really sneaky or really powerful, since the looks the guys all shared seemed to share the sentiment that most people weren't aware of the void.
"Oh, don't be so surprised!" Clove chastised. "I'm older than my youthful appearance makes me seem." She cupped her hands over her cheeks as though she were hiding a blush.
"Well, I really must be going now that things are under control here." She rose from her crouched position beside me and dusted off her spotless skirt and blouse. "I trust that there will be no more issues until all of my gardening is done this week?"
None of us answered her, still caught in a state of shock. Not that it mattered, because she spun on her heel and began gliding away, back into the foyer.
"Clove, wait!" I called, swinging my legs off the table and trying to ignore my own dizziness.
She stopped and turned to me, cocking her head slightly to the side. "Yes, Little Star?"
"What..." I fumbled with the right words to ask the question that was burning on the tip of my tongue. I didn't want to offend anyone and I wasn't aware of the appropriate magical being etiquette. "How did you know about the church?"
The crazy woman giggled into her hand like a school girl and then waved a hand at me in dismissal. "I just listened to the earth, darling," she replied. "Now, I'll be off. Toodles!"
With those final parting words, she was gone. I jumped off the table and stumbled to the bay windows, trying to catch a glimpse of her walking away, but she was nowhere to be seen. She'd mentioned she lived in the cottage next door, but I'd yet to actually see it. I'd been here for a month already, but maybe I overlooked it.
"Ria, are you alright?" Rafe's voice caught me off guard and I turned to face him. He wasn't looking at me, but instead at the apparently-interesting tile floor. His voice had been quiet, quieter than I had ever heard it.
"I'm fine, Rafe, I promise," I said in the most soothing voice I could muster. "As long as I wasn't out for a whole week this time." I was only partly joking. I was really sick of being unconscious and it seriously fucked with my newfound badass persona.
When Rafe didn't respond, I peeked at the others out of the corner of my eye and they all shook their heads. Thank all that was holy and unholy. Bullet dodged.
Gray approached me around the table and grabbed my hand, leading me to the living room where he gestured for me to sit down on the oversized couch. As I sat, I hugged one of the decorative pillows to my chest and curled my legs up underneath me.
When everyone but Kellan and Eliam was sat down and staring expectantly at me, Gray spoke up, pulling my attention away from the two brooding, whispering men - I mean Sins. If getting knocked unconscious didn't hurt so much, I'd be tempted to do it again just to get them to stop ignoring me for a nice change of pace.
"We need to k
now what happened," Gray prompted kindly. "The only thing Rafe is aware of is that there was a bright flash of light that knocked you both back."
My eyebrows shot up and my gaze snapped to Rafe, who shrugged and indicated I get on with my part. "Um, I don't think I can tell you guys," I answered, feeling skittish. What was I supposed to say? That my inner self, my hallucinated mental version of me that I communicated with regularly, got mega jealous and kidnapped me in my own head? Because that sounded completely viable.
Beck rose to his feet and stared at me in astonishment. "You were just attacked, Ria," he snapped. "We're the ones trying to protect you here, but we need to know what we're protecting you from."
His demand was completely reasonable, I couldn't deny that, but my explanation was the complete opposite of reasonable. And they were all finally looking me in the eye again, something that was sure to change if I told them.
Even though he appeared not to be paying attention, Eliam turned to face me and crossed his arms over his chest. "Beck is right," he scolded. "If you start holding things back, you're in more danger."
"Awww, it almost sounds like you care, E," I teased, hoping to pull a little bit of the heat off of myself.
Eliam glared at me, but the expression didn't quite reach his eyes. "I care about the potential danger you're putting my family in. We're in as much shit as you, since you're here." His tone was cold and emotionless, but I could tell.
He totally cared.
"I could always leave, like you wanted me to," I pointed out.
Five sets of incredulous eyes pierced right through me, but Beck was the one to speak up. "You'd rather leave than tell us what happened?" He asked quietly, his voice thick with hurt.
Oh my gods.
I wanted to send myself back to the void for being such a bitch and making any of the guys upset. But what was I even supposed to say?
"It's not like that," I said quickly, waving my hands in front of me.
Eliam stepped around Beck to stand in front of me. "Oh yes? Then tell me, what is it like?" His eyes levelled with mine and I felt my breath hitch as I stared into their violet depths.
I was fighting against myself, trying to make myself focus back on the subject at hand, but those eyes kept pulling me in. They reminded me of the Void. Bottomless, threatening, peaceful waves that I just wanted to lie down in and forget the world with.
"Well?"
Unable to tear my eyes away, they started to fill with tears that I tried to blink back. "You'll think I'm crazy," I whispered, barely loud enough to be heard by anyone with normal hearing. Of course, Eliam wasn't normal, nor were the others. They all heard me, but no one spoke for a long while.
Eliam brought his face close to my own and my breath caught in my throat. My mind began, against my will, replaying the previous moments we were this close, reminding me of the feel of his lips crushing against mine.
His violet gaze was searching, trying to unveil the one secret that I had held the closest to my heart for many years. "If you can't trust us," he said in a low voice that made the hairs rise up on the back of my neck. "Then what are you still doing here?"
The question caught me off guard and I leaned away with a cringe. He was right. If I couldn't trust them enough to tell them about a very real, very terrifying danger that was living inside my own head, it stood to reason that I couldn't trust them enough to be living under the same roof, knowing all of their secrets.
But, I did trust them. That was the scary part. "I'm schizophrenic," I whispered. I fought the urge to bury my face in my hands to escape Eliam's stare, but my body was unwilling to comply to begin with.
"And?" Eliam prompted quietly. His voice was soft and soothing, but not with affection. It was more like the way someone would speak to a wounded, stray animal in an attempt to not scare it away.
Hugging the pillow more tightly against my chest, I took in a deep breath. "I hallucinate a version of myself in my head that I talk to sometimes." A lot. I deliberately leave that bit out.
"So, you think your imaginary twin had something to do with what happened in the car?" Beck asked from behind Eliam. I couldn't see him, but that's because the asshole Sin of Pride was essentially blocking out the rest of the world and hogging all of my attention.
"No," I said automatically. "I know she did."
5 Ria
A heavy silence fell over the room that made my skin itch with the need to move in some way. I settled for picking at the rough callouses on the pads of my fingers and palms. Poles were hell on the hands and I hadn't had a decent manicure in a month.
I could feel them silently communicating, it was like a tangible buzz in the air, like electricity. Sometimes, when they forgot to tune me out, I could hear their thoughts and they could hear mine in turn, but it seemed this time that they were debating my sanity, as I'd feared. And they were doing it right before my very eyes.
It hurt more than I had expected it to.
"Forget I said anything." I'd muttered the words before I could think and my cheeks flamed. Trust them, they'd said. All I trusted them to do was to judge me for being a nutcase.
All at once, Eliam was being yanked back and away from me while five other faces crowded my vision and personal space.
Startled, I crushed myself into the couch cushions as far as physics would allow. "If you guys could just... Back up a bit?" I requested.
No one moved and I felt a tiny bit of discomfort at their intense stares. They all looked like they wanted to say something, but not one of them spoke.
"Uh, this is my bubble. So, could you just move back a little?" I tried again. Still, no one moved an inch. Maybe it was my paranoia, but it felt like they'd moved closer.
The more they silently stared, the more I felt like a bug under a microscope, like they were trying to dissect me with their eyes, trying to figure me out. Well, sucked to suck, because I hadn't even figured myself out.
I cleared my throat and spoke a little louder, hoping they'd listen. I was getting so uncomfortable I couldn't stand it. "Bubble. Mine. Please."
Eloquent, Ria.
It seemed to get their attention though because they all snapped out of whatever daze they'd been in and moved away marginally.
"You don't look schizo," Beck commented absently.
Bristling, I squared my shoulders and smacked him with the pillow I'd still been holding. "Of course, I don't look schizo, you dick," I snapped. "It's called a mental illness, which means it's in my brain and not on my face like a talking zit."
If I could shoot lasers from my eyes, which would be awesome as hell, that's what I would have been doing to Beck. Gray cleared his throat, drawing my attention away from the embarrassed face that I almost wanted to tear off with my bare hands.
"I think what he meant," Gray inserted. "Is that you don't show any outward signs. We've been around a long time and have seen a lot of people with varying mental illnesses, and there's usually some kind of outward sign." I listened without really hearing his words, the tilt of his accent soothing me and calming my irritated nerves.
"That's really the least of our problems," Gatlin interceded, pulling my attention to him and his incredibly angelic face. If he had actually been an angel, he would have been one of those badass archangels.
But, as they'd explained to me before, angels weren't actually a thing. They were scheming, glorified genies that liked to toy with the balance and fate of humanity, and were called andjinns. I'd love to throw that plot twist in my dad's bible thumping face.
"If this version of you in your head is a hallucination, how could you - uh, she - do what happened to you and Rafe?" Gatlin was over here asking the hard questions.
I sucked in a deep breath and steeled myself, getting ready for men in white coats to show up any second. "That's where it gets weird. Well, weirder." I met six sets of confused eyes, holding their gaze for a couple seconds each before continuing. "Ever since the church, she's kind of... Changed, I guess? She's gotten all cruel
and doesn't act like she used to. Instead of being a constant presence, she also disappears. She's also developed her own sort of personality that is different than before."
"Okay, but that's part of schizophrenia," Gray pointed out. "You're not supposed to control your hallucinations."
Nodding, I continued. "I've never been able to control her, but I don't know how to explain it. It's like someone completely different jumped into my head, and is pretending to be her while the real her is tied up and gagged in a broom closet somewhere."
Yeah, because that made all sorts of sense.
I continued on, trying to clarify my point. "For instance, when all of that happened, I was suddenly in this world that was nothing but white light, which has never happened before, and she was there, face to face with me. She got crazy and possessive and told me that all of you were hers, warning me to stay away," I said confidently. When I said it out loud, I knew it was true: the inner self in my head was no longer my inner self. "That's not normal, even for crazy."
Maybe I could have left that last bit off, but I felt like it was important to point out, even if it was only to make myself sound less insane to the only people I could consider my family now.
"So, your hallucination actually took on a mind of its own?" Kellan asks, startling me because he had been so silent the whole time. If you were looking for tall, taller, and brooding, Kel was your guy.
"She, and yes. But I prefer calling her my inner self, just so you know."
In response, I got three facepalms, two eyerolls, and one blank stare - you can guess who the last one came from, I'm sure.
"Okay," Gray interjected before Kellan could say anything back. He shot his brother a please shut up look that made me want to giggle. "So, your inner self is essentially rebelling against you? And you don't think this is something that may have been triggered by a traumatic event?"