by Claire Kent
Erin talked herself back into relative calm by rehearsing all of what she’d learned over the last months. Even if it happened, she’d likely be thinking about far different things at the time. It was silly to be worried about something so insignificant.
All that really mattered was her daughter's being born.
She’d almost convinced herself when Seth changed the direction of her thoughts entirely. He said thickly, “Unless this is a way to discourage me from being there. Have you decided you’d rather I not be present?”
“No. Of course not. I’m just saying, you might be just as happy to not be there.”
“Erin? Why are you bringing this up at all? Have you changed your mind?”
“No,” she insisted, a little louder now. “I just told you. I’m happy for you to be there. But it’s your choice. Your being there would be for you, so that you could experience her birth. So, if you can’t be there, you’re the one who’ll be most disappointed. It’s not about me. I’m just saying that it might not be as disappointing for you as you think.” When she realized she was babbling again, she bit her lip to stop herself.
“Erin,” he said again. This time his voice was firm, authoritative. Nothing mild about it at all. “You have to tell me the truth in this. Do you want me to be there or not?”
“Well, honestly…” She paused, tried to sort through her words. She didn’t want to say this. Didn’t want to feel this. It seemed to make her more dependent and less in control than she’d like to be.
But it was true, so she may as well admit it out loud.
If she wanted Seth to be honest with her, then she had to be honest with him.
While she hesitated, he clenched his jaw and looked away from her.
The gesture wasn’t encouraging—he seemed to be distancing himself more and more today—but she plowed on. “Honestly, I’d really like you to be there. If it were up to me. But it’s not about me. It’s about you. It’s completely your decision, and I totally understand if you change your mind or if you have to be out of town.”
Seth’s body seemed to relax, and his fingers loosened around the steering wheel. “I’ll be there. If I possibly can. The only days I can’t are Thursday or Friday.”
Erin felt a little better. Things were still confusing between her and Seth—their precarious balance of understanding and compromise seemed shakier than ever—but they both clearly wanted him to be at the birth.
Of course, with her luck, she’d go into labor on Thursday or Friday, since those were the only days he couldn’t be there.
“Please,” she silently pleaded, staring down at her stomach. “Please, please, pumpkin, come before Thursday. Otherwise, your daddy won’t be there.”
As expected, no reply was forthcoming from her belly.
When they got to her apartment building and walked in through the main door, she didn’t turn toward the elevator.
“What are you doing?” Seth asked. He’d gotten out to walk her up to her apartment, as he always did.
“I’m going to walk up the stairs, if you don’t mind walking them with me. It might not help, but evidently it won’t hurt. At this point, I’m willing to try.”
Seth opened his mouth, as if he would object. But after studying the expression on her face, he nodded.
Ten floors later, Erin was out of breath.
And she still wasn’t in labor.
***
Two days later, early on Wednesday evening, Erin collapsed back against the pile of pillows on her bed. “Come out, come out, come out!” she demanded loudly, glaring down at her still swollen belly.
Seth chuckled and lowered himself until he was seated on the edge of the bed beside her. He looked just as tired and frustrated as Erin felt. “If yelling at her was going to help, you should have tried it two weeks ago.”
Erin groaned and stroked her abdomen. “I didn’t mean to yell at her. But why is it taking so long?”
For the last two days, she’d done nothing but stress about not going into labor. She knew that stressing about it was likely only making things worse, but just because she knew she should relax didn’t mean she was able to. Every hour brought Seth’s departure closer, and—although she was trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal—she really didn’t want to have this baby without him.
Nine months ago, the idea of wanting him there would have been laughable.
But she did. It felt like they were partners in this, and he’d been with her—more or less—through the rest of the pregnancy. So, in every vision she had of delivering this baby, Seth was there too.
But, if it happened tomorrow or the next day, then he wouldn’t be there. He’d be in Seattle. And Erin needed to start accepting that this was a very real possibility.
She’d taken long walks for the last two days. Walked up the stairs more than once. She’d decided to risk a stomach full of spicy food, but all she’d gotten was heartburn. And yesterday evening they’d driven outside the city to the bumpiest road Seth could find. All that had accomplished was to make Erin carsick.
Still no pumpkin. She just didn’t want to be born.
“I don’t know of anything else we can do,” Seth murmured, pushing up the sleeves to his dress shirt. Erin stared at his forearms, looking at the way the tendons flexed as he moved and at the way each fine hair lay against his skin. “Unless...”
His voice trailed off, but Erin knew the conclusion to his sentence.
They’d tried every safe and reasonable method of naturally inducing labor.
Except one.
Erin made a face. “I guess we can try sex.”
He looked at her intently. Then shook his head. “There’s no use in doing it unless you’re comfortable with the idea.”
“It’s not about not wanting to have sex with you. You know I’m perfectly agreeable to that under normal circumstances. But I feel so big and awkward, and my body does weird things now. And my back is kind of hurting—like it always does. I’m just not sure I could possibly feel sexy and aroused at the moment.”
“Then we won’t.”
Erin peered at his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. It was so frustrating, sometimes, that he was always so distant and reluctant to articulate his real opinion. She supposed it was his way of letting her take the lead in this, which she appreciated in a lot of ways, but sometimes she just wanted to know his real thoughts. “But you’re leaving early tomorrow morning. This is our last chance to try, unless she holds out until you come back.”
Seth had glanced down at his hands, but his eyes shifted up again at her words. “So you do want to try?”
“Kind of,” she admitted. “But I’m just not exactly sure how it would work. Honestly, I’m not even sure how you could...uh...get into it. I mean, look at me.” She gestured down at herself.
This evening, she wore a sleeveless cotton dress, since it was the coolest piece of clothing she owned. Her bare legs were stretched out on the mattress, and the skirt was bunched up a little under her thighs. “I’m not exactly the stuff of fantasies at the moment. And my nipples will probably start leaking. And you’ll be lucky if something weird doesn’t come out of another relevant location. And I have a lot of pressure down there for obvious reasons, and I haven’t shaved my legs in...I don’t know how long.” She groaned and gave Seth an ironic look. “Are you telling me that, even if we wanted to try, you’d be able to get it up?”
Seth gave her a dry smile. He looked kind of hot and tired himself, but still handsome and infinitely sexy. Which made Erin feel like even more of a mess. “If you want to try it, then don’t worry about me. I’ll be able to do what I need to do.”
She gaped at him for a minute, trying to figure out if he was speaking the truth or just trying not to hurt her feelings. He didn’t look worried or self-conscious. Nor had he sounded seductive or persuasive. He’d just spoken the words bluntly, matter-of-factly.
It was his tone that convinced Erin that maybe he was telling the t
ruth.
“All right,” she began, sitting up straighter and trying to work herself up into feeling sexier. “We can try, if you think you can get hard under these circumstances.”
Seth’s face changed slightly, and he leaned toward her a little. They met each other’s eyes for a moment. Something warm and ironic kindled between them.
Then Erin started to chuckle. “Do you believe we’re actually having this conversation?”
Seth gave a low laugh in response. “I definitely never imagined having this particular discussion. No one has ever doubted my virility before.”
“I wasn’t doubting your virility. More my own ability to attract a man’s virility. At least, right now.”
“Nothing to worry about.” He leaned over further and then reached out to cup her cheek with his hand. He had to completely readjust his position before he could get past her belly in order to kiss her.
But it was nice when he did. Gentle and soft and almost sweet.
One of his hands moved from her shoulder down to her breast and then further down the side of her abdomen, settling in the dip just below her belly.
Erin lifted her arms until her hands rested on his shoulders. She tightened her grip when his tongue stroked into her mouth.
They kissed for a minute or two. Then Erin tried to rearrange herself into a more convenient position. But her back clenched up slightly when she turned it too suddenly, and she cried out in surprise, breaking the kiss as she jerked her head away.
Seth withdrew immediately. “You all right?” He was slightly breathless, but his voice was still natural.
“Yeah,” she breathed, stretching her spine. “Just the dumb part of my back that always cramps up. It’ll be fine.”
Seth started unbuttoning his shirt, and Erin watched him in silence. Considered moving to help him, but she didn’t really feel like scooting herself to the edge of the bed so that she could reach. He pushed the shirt down over his shoulders and pulled his arms out of the already undone cuffs.
She swallowed as she gazed at his chest. It was toned and masculine and rippled subtly whenever he moved.
In comparison, she felt huge and bloated. Couldn’t imagine what Seth would think if he saw her naked now. Hoped he wouldn’t change his mind and flee the premises in disgust.
Although she couldn't really blame him if he did.
Seth took off his shoes and socks and then pulled his legs up onto the bed so he could scoot closer to where she was half-sitting, half-reclining.
He kissed her again. Lightly and briefly this time. Then pushed her hair back from her warm face. “Is your back all right?”
She nodded, momentarily speechless. For some reason, he seemed more attractive and unattainable than usual.
“Well, let’s try this. We better try spooning again, since I think that will be most comfortable for me.” She didn’t start to get into position, however. It felt like such a chore to move herself around, so she stayed sprawled out on the pile of pillows.
“Sounds good.” One of his hands was on her bare leg now, and he began pushing up her skirt as he stroked up the side of her thigh. “You’ll have to tell me what you need and if anything makes you uncomfortable. I won’t know.”
“I know,” Erin replied. She tried to concentrate on caressing his shoulders and neck, but she couldn’t help but focus instead on the feel of his hand, moving higher on her thigh, pushing up her dress, exposing her body. He was hovering over her, supported on his knees and one of his hands, and she raised her neck so she could press a few little kisses along the side of his head—since that was the only part of his face she could reach.
She didn’t want this to be a tedious duty for him, so she needed to do her part. Wanted it to be good for him.
But it was just so hard to think about turning him on when she felt like this.
As she rubbed his chest, lowering her hand until it brushed along his lower belly, she said, “I think maybe I’ll leave my bra on, in case of leakage.”
He straightened up and looked down at her. “If that’s what you’d prefer. But if we want to accelerate things—on my part—then it might be a good idea to let me see your breasts.”
Erin gaped at him again, hardly able to process what he’d just said. When she did, she broke into inappropriate giggles. “This is the strangest dirty talk I’ve ever heard.”
“You mean that kind of talk doesn’t turn you on?”
Erin giggled again.
“I suppose both of us could loosen up,” he added. He kind of shook himself off. “You’re still okay with this?”
“Yeah, but loosening up is easier said than done. This is very weird.”
A relaxed, amused Seth was even more attractive than a focused, determined Seth, and now he was somehow both at once, making her feel even more undesirable than ever.
She knew he was trying to be supportive and that, under normal circumstances, he enjoyed having sex with her. But this was different. This couldn’t be more than an unpleasant obligation for him.
“Here,” she said, leaning up from the pillows. “My dress zips in the back. Help me get it off so we can see if it actually accelerates things.”
Seth was chuckling as he leaned over her, so she could feel his breath waft against her skin and his body shaking with his laughter as he reached around to unzip her dress.
When it was unzipped, she self-consciously pulled her arms out of it and pushed the fabric down to her waist.
Not that she had a waist anymore.
Seth was watching her quietly, and he showed no reaction when she’d exposed her upper body to him. Taking a nervous breath, she reached back to unhook the closure on her bra. Pulled it away from her breasts and hoped he wasn’t going to be disappointed.
Her breasts were still fine—although the size and coloring had changed and her veins were more apparent under her skin. But the enormous belly that stuck out just below them certainly deemphasized them.
Erin inhaled shakily.
If only he were less handsome, less confident, less powerful. If only he’d fucked fewer gorgeous women in his life.
If only he weren’t quite so unknowable, untouchable, unreachable.
He was looking at her body, but she couldn’t gauge his reaction. He didn’t appear to be aroused yet, though, so she assumed no accelerating had been done.
She said, “My breasts have been really sensitive, so try not to play around with them a lot.”
“If you’d rather I not touch them,” he replied, one of his hands caressing up her bare side in a way that made her shiver, “then I don’t have to.”
She made a face. “I might need a little bit to get aroused. But then I’m afraid I’ll leak. This is going to be messy enough as it is.” Then she gasped, realizing something she’d stupidly not even registered before. No wonder Seth had asked the doctor specifically about the semen. “Will you use a condom?”
“I will if you want me to.”
“But that would defeat half the purpose.” She shifted uncomfortably. “If we’re going to even bother with this, then we need your semen.”
“It’s up to you,” Seth said—it seemed to be his refrain for the last two months.
Why the hell wouldn’t he tell her what he really thought?
“I’m healthy,” he continued, glancing away from her half-naked body. “There’s no way I would risk the health of my daughter by exposing both you and her to any sort of disease.”
Erin had no fears that he was lying to her. She knew he wasn’t. And obviously there was no fear of her getting pregnant from unprotected sex. But…
“If only you didn’t sleep around so much.” She didn’t mean the words as an insult or reproach. More like a plea.
Seth was silent for a long time. He was propped up on his arm beside her on the bed, and he wasn’t really looking at her—which Erin took to be more proof that she wasn’t particularly appealing to him. Finally, he looked back. Met her eyes directly. “The last person
I had sex with was you.”
Erin made a soft noise in her throat—of shock and disbelief. “What? What? But that was three months ago!” She stared at him, trying to understand what he’d just told her. “That can’t be right. The women you’ve dated.”
“I’ve dated in the last three months. Yes. But I haven’t had sex.”
She was almost panting with surprise and with another overwhelming feeling she couldn’t quite process. “You didn’t sleep with any of them?”
He rolled his eyes—as if she’d annoyed him. “I just told you. You were the last person I had sex with.”
“Why?”
He shrugged slightly. “I've had other things on my mind lately.”
It wasn’t much of an answer, but it was more than Erin had expected.
It made her feel a lot better—that Seth had been stressed out by the impending birth of his daughter and hadn’t felt either interested or comfortable sleeping around. Obviously, he wasn’t going to continue like that indefinitely, but at least it showed some sensitivity to the effect his behavior might have on his daughter. Or else was evidence of how invested he’d become in this new development in his life.
Either way, it was reassuring, and it made her far more comfortable with unprotected sex with him.
Even believing he was free of disease, the idea of going without a condom made her feel vulnerable, exposed.
“Erin?” Seth prompted, drawing her out of her reflections.
“Oh. Yeah. Okay.”
Seth made no move, even at her acquiescence. “Was that an okay, you believe me? Or an okay, drop the subject? Or an okay, we can have sex without a condom?”
“We can have sex without a condom.”
He didn’t respond in words. Just reached up and brushed his palm over one of her nipples.
Erin felt the sensations tingle out from the touch, stronger than normal because her breasts were unusually sensitive.
When Seth tweaked the tightening peak very gently with his fingers, Erin started to get a little tense. She really didn’t want to start leaking. It wasn’t like she could help it, but surely it would get in the way of any sort of erotic potential between them.