by Claire Kent
The baby was smeared and wrinkled and puckered and slimy. And, after a moment, she gave a shrill, angry cry.
The nurses and doctor were working, doing things that Erin found impossible to follow.
And then someone else—Seth, it was Seth—started moving. Pulled himself out from behind her, leaving the back half of her body cold and weak. He stood up smoothly. Didn’t say a word. Disappeared from Erin’s range of vision. Maybe he even left the room.
Erin didn’t know why. Couldn’t even wonder.
Because her little pumpkin was laid on her bare belly, and the blue-red face was contorted into the most horrendous scowl Erin had ever seen.
So nothing else existed in the world.
Erin was sobbing hysterically. Had no idea when she had started.
She felt like a fool. An exhausted, awed, ecstatic, stupid, sappy fool.
She didn’t care.
Over some things even irony was powerless.
Erin held her daughter at last.
***
The next half-hour passed in a haze. Erin hardly noticed it go by at all.
Her dad, who’d been waiting outside the room during the delivery, had left to get Erin some real food—since nothing they’d brought with them seemed substantial enough to satisfy her. She’d been in labor for less than eighteen hours, but it felt like she hadn’t eaten in a week.
Liz had stuck around—on some kind of giddy, talkative high—and pretty soon a nurse came in to work with Erin on how to nurse the baby.
Her daughter was tiny and squirmy and perfect, and she didn’t look nearly as blue-red now as she had at first. She had fair hair that lay like down against her scalp and bluish eyes that squinted up at Erin.
But she didn’t seem to be very hungry.
The nurse was encouraging and helpful, and eventually the baby deigned to suck a little. She let go a few seconds later. Licked again. Then latched on and started to suck once more.
Erin’s eyes almost popped out of her head. She had to bite back her words to keep from corrupting innocent infant ears with an inappropriate expletive.
Erin had expected a soft little pressure from such a tiny mouth, but this baby could really clamp down.
The nurse showed her how to adjust the position and—after sucking and releasing, and sucking and releasing—the pressure on Erin’s breast started to feel better.
Erin tried to pay attention, but mostly she just gazed besottedly at her baby. Silently scoffed at all the other parents in the world who naively believed their babies were something to brag about. They were all woefully mistaken.
Obviously, Erin had gotten the best one.
Her daughter didn’t want to nurse very much, but this was evidently normal. So Erin did her best and mostly just enjoyed the cuddling.
Tried to simply relax and be happy.
Seth had disappeared.
Liz told her he’d walked out of the room just as the baby was delivered.
And he hadn’t come back since.
Whenever Erin thought about it, she got a heavy, clenching pain in her chest. So she pushed it to the back of her mind and didn’t let herself worry about it.
It didn’t necessary mean anything.
The man Seth had become was the most guarded, controlled person she’d ever known, and this had been an emotional, vulnerable moment that could have stripped away all defenses.
He’d told her, after all, that his inclination was always to walk away when he felt too vulnerable.
If he needed some time and space to find himself again—to recover—that was fine. People dealt differently with overloads of feeling, and Seth’s nature didn’t lend itself to naked, sentimental expressions of tender emotion—at least, not when the feelings ran deep.
He might never openly admit that he loved his daughter, but that didn’t mean he didn’t.
Still. Erin hoped he’d come back soon.
She really wanted Seth to meet their baby and to see how perfect she was.
Liz had started grumbling earlier about Seth’s abrupt departure, but Erin had silenced her immediately. She just couldn’t handle hearing that now.
She was drained and exhausted, but no longer sleepy. She had too much adrenalin rushing through her for that. All she wanted to do was eat something and hold her baby.
Not to think. Or talk. Or worry.
Just to be for a little while.
A few minutes after the nurse left, Seth walked quietly into the room.
Erin had been cooing in a silly way, but she fell silent when he entered.
She felt her heart swell with an unexpected tenderness when she took in his worn, sweaty shirt and trousers—a far cry from his polished appearance early that day. He’d worked really hard to help her. Not as hard as she had, but still his efforts hadn’t been insignificant. Especially given how foreign it must have been to him.
His face was composed, but she could see fatigue in the lines around his mouth and in the heaviness of his eyelids. Her throat ached as she felt an instinctive pull toward him.
This was Seth. The father of her baby.
She was so, so glad he’d come back.
Erin smiled up into his drawn, handsome face. “Look at her. Isn't she amazing?”
He gave a tight little smile. “She is.”
It wasn’t a very affectionate answer, but Erin wasn’t surprised. The standard clichés didn’t really work for them.
It wasn’t like they were a cozy, little family or would kiss and ride off into the sunset together. The connection they shared was real, but it was neither definable nor easy. They weren’t really friends. Weren’t in love.
It was something different. Something nameless.
Erin knew better than to expect Seth to break down in gushing adoration of their daughter.
He cared for her. Cared for them both. And he had come back.
It was enough.
Her smile widened as she gazed up at him. She knew she must be almost at the end of her ability to think clearly because she had the ridiculous urge to hug him.
Then Erin noticed his hands. Strong, patrician hands, which were normally skillful and relaxed.
They were now clenched into fists at his sides.
She blinked up at him. “Seth?”
He turned his head to where Liz sat staring at the two of them curiously. “Would you mind if I talk to Erin for a minute?” he asked softly. “Alone.”
Liz’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline, but she glanced over at Erin, who nodded. Then Liz shrugged and flounced out, muttering something about how she needed to take a shower anyway. “I’ll be back in a half-hour or so.”
With one last suspicious look at Seth, Liz left the room.
Erin moved their daughter away from her breast—since she hadn’t seemed to be interested in eating anymore anyway—and then adjusted the little pumpkin so that Seth could get a better view.
She was feeling a little nervous, for some reason she didn’t understand. It was probably just the aftermath of all the labor. “You didn’t get to see your little girl.”
Seth lowered himself into the chair Liz had just vacated. “I know.”
“Do you want to hold her?” It was a great effort to be so generous, but Erin offered.
“She looks comfortable where she is.”
This gave Erin a sharp pang of worry, but she stifled it. There was no reason to manufacture problems or to overreact to minor incidents. He’d had a really long night and day himself. Maybe he wasn’t up to too much bonding at the moment.
Erin repositioned the baby, who after a few false starts latched on again and gave a few strong sucks.
She looked up to see that Seth was staring, and she shifted uncomfortably. “Well, at least say hi to her.”
He hadn’t wanted to say hi before, before the baby was born, but surely he would now, even if he wasn’t in a bonding mood.
Seth didn’t respond immediately. Then he relaxed his hands. Reached out and pushed the
blanket away with one of his fingers until he’d freed one tiny hand.
Pressed into the little palm with his fingertip.
Erin saw their daughter’s fragile fingers instinctively curl around his larger one.
“Hi,” Seth said softly.
Then he drew his hand back. “Do you know what you’re going to name her yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
The corner of his mouth turned up. “You can’t call her the pumpkin forever.”
She readjusted the baby in her arms and rubbed her back the way the nurse had showed her. “I know. I’ll think of something soon.”
They sat in silence for a minute.
Seth’s face was as guarded as ever, but the same strange urgency she’d seen before had reignited in his eyes.
Finally, she asked, “What did you want?”
He didn’t answer immediately.
Erin felt herself trembling. She didn’t know if it was from rising anxiety or just a reaction from the birth. She waited, her mouth getting dryer and dryer.
Finally, Seth began, “I never thought I would have a child, for any number of reasons. My background, my work, and my lifestyle all conflict with a typical domestic life.”
Erin relaxed a little. She had no idea why he was saying this, but it didn’t seem as bad as she’d thought.
“When I found out about her...” He paused, looking down at his daughter, who was making burbling noises and waving her hand. “…it was difficult for me. More difficult than you know. In the past, whenever I started to get too close to someone, I would get scared and walk away. And I didn’t want to blow it with this.”
“I know that. I figured as much.”
Seth rubbed a hand through his hair distractedly. “I’ve tried to do this as you wanted. To be involved to a convenient extent, to let you take control of it, and to not demand more than you’re willing to give.”
“I know. I really appreciate it. I was scared at first about how you would act, but I’m not scared anymore. I want you to be involved now.” She was kind of embarrassed by the earnestness of her words, but she wanted to make sure he knew this. “I want it. I trust you.”
Something faltered on his face, but only for a moment. His expression returned to its tight control. “The only way I could do it—be involved only to a certain extent—was to do this halfway, to keep myself distant enough from...everything.”
Erin gazed at him fondly. She still didn’t know why or what Seth was saying, but she melted at this sign of his opening up to her for real. He obviously wasn’t enjoying it. He looked stiff and uncomfortable, and what he was saying she’d already known.
But the point was that he was telling her.
Seth added, “That’s why I went to Seattle instead of staying here.”
Erin jerked her head up, jarring her daughter, who gave a couple of indignant gurgles. “You said you couldn’t reschedule things.”
“I couldn’t. Everything I told you was true, but it wouldn’t have stopped me if I’d really wanted to be here.” He sighed tiredly. “It was a last ditch effort to distance myself appropriately.”
Erin had relaxed as he’d continued his explanation. She was so tired, and the room was still kind of a blur. But, at his last words, she smiled. “It must not have worked.”
Seth had been staring at their daughter. “No. I had to come back.”
There was another long pause, and Erin adjusted the baby up against her shoulder, since she was apparently through with eating.
Finally, she asked, “Why did you leave the room before?”
“I realized something.”
Waiting for the rest of his answer in the silence, Erin was flooded with anxiety again. This was important. She knew it. And she didn’t think she had the energy to deal with it.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Seth concluded, his words tight, clipped, almost cool. “I can’t do this halfway.”
A sudden lump in Erin’s throat almost choked her, and she held her baby a little tighter for comfort. “Okay.” When her voice cracked, she cleared her throat. “I understand. It was always your choice. You don’t have to be involved...with her...if you don’t want to.” Erin looked down at the little face in the blanket.
Her face crumpled briefly on the last words, but she managed to pull herself together pretty quickly.
She wasn’t going to cry over this. She wasn't. She’d always known it could happen.
She would be fine. She had her pumpkin, and most of her strongholds were still in place.
Seth owed her nothing.
He leaned forward in his chair. “You don’t understand, Erin. I’m not giving up. I can’t do this halfway” His eyes caught and held hers. “I want to do it all the way.”
The sudden shift from her expectations was so abrupt that Erin just blinked. “What?”
“I want all of it.”
She felt so weak, so confused.
And she panicked, all of her old fears spiraling up with terrifying force. She pulled her baby away from Seth in instinctive defense. “Well, you can’t have her.”
A brief, tense smile flickered on his face. “Erin, I’m not going to take her away from you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When I say I don’t want to do this halfway, it’s not just about her. It’s about you.” His eyes were deep and speaking, but one of his hands was clenched at his side. “I want you as much as I want her.”
Erin froze, felt like the universe had just left her behind.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Finally she asked, “What do you mean? We had it all worked out. We had your involvement laid out practically and reasonably.”
“We did.” He reached out and put a hand on her forearm. “But things have changed.”
It was like a nightmare. Not one with monsters but one with utter chaos. Random, unexplainable events were happening around her, and she couldn’t predict or control any of them.
The baby started to fuss, and, while she got her settled down, Erin tried to slow her own breathing and think clearly.
When she didn’t respond, Seth finally prompted, shifting slightly in his chair, “Don’t you feel it too?”
“Feel what?”
He looked from Erin’s face to the baby in her arms. “Don’t you feel that we should...we should be together?”
She’d never heard him sound so stilted and inarticulate, and she had no idea what to do with it.
She almost giggled with the baffling insanity of it. “I see. Since the baby has been born, it’s time for the heartfelt proposal and the union of the happy, little family.”
It was a silly, thoughtless thing to say in a serious conversation, but she’d meant it as a sarcastic joke, hoping to cut some of the tension. She certainly hadn’t intended to hurt him.
Wasn’t able to even fathom that he might be serious.
But a fleeting, broken look on his rigid face made her stomach drop. “What? Seth, you can’t be serious!”
He didn’t respond with words, but she saw the answer on his face.
So she kept talking, rolling with the momentum of her shock, her confusion, and her absolute disbelief: “You’ve finally decided that you want to really love our daughter, and you think this is the best response? For us to get together? Why? Why?”
And, suddenly, she remembered Marcus and all the times he’d turned the tables on her. Making decisions without her and leaving her helpless in the wake of them.
She said, “I see. This is about control."
“It is not,” Seth objected roughly, holding his back rigidly straight. “I am not your ex-husband. Stop hitting me over the head with that. It’s not about control. It’s about not holding myself back anymore.”
Erin was panicking again, bombarded with both confusion and rising resentment. He’d spent months keeping his opinions to himself, and now he was dumping this absurdity on her out of the blue.
Seth couldn’t change the rules on her
at this point. They’d had it all worked out.
She'd just decided she was happy.
“You don’t have to hold yourself back,” she said. “Don’t hold back. I don’t believe in caring for someone halfway either. But caring for things doesn’t mean having them under your thumb.”
“I said we should be together. Not that you’d be under my thumb.”
She stopped trying to understand the bitter ironies in the universe. Just let the words fly out of her mouth. “So, what? We get together? And I’d do what exactly? Live with you? Marry you? Raise your daughter and be Mrs. Seth Thomas?”
It felt like something was tearing inside of her, and the feeling was almost worse than the physical pain she’d suffered today. “Just so you can feel comfortable with your new feelings and have the situation once again under your control? What’s in it for me, exactly?”
“You understand what I’m saying, right? I’m not talking about a marriage of convenience here. It doesn’t even have to be a marriage.” He paused, looked at her and breathed heavily for a moment. “I just want you. And her.” His eyes flickered down to his daughter.
Erin couldn’t do this. It was too much. She wasn’t ready for it. Any of it.
She just wanted all of it to stop.
“I don’t understand. Where is this coming from, Seth? I know we’ve gotten closer lately. And that’s good—I’m so glad. But it’s never been romantic. And now the baby appears and you want to suddenly—”
“It’s not sudden.” He bit the words out, as if he too wanted all of this to have never happened. As if he wanted to be anywhere but here.
“Well, it feels sudden to me. And you just spring it on me like this? Expect me to fall into your arms? Why exactly? Because you blurt out that you want us to be together?”
He shook his head and looked away from her. “You can take all the time you need to decide.”
“Decide what? Seth, why are you doing this? Things were going so well between us, and now you’re messing everything up.” Her daughter was staring at her curiously as Erin snapped out her final words. “Our relationship isn’t romantic.”
Seth was silent a really long time. When he finally looked back at her face, his eyes were shuttered completely. “My mistake. I had thought you were starting to—”