by Claire Kent
He was still holding Mackenzie up on his lap, and she’d started the squatting game with him now. “Yes. I'd like to stay. Thank you.”
***
“You’re sure you don’t mind watching her?” Erin asked again, checking to make sure Mackenzie’s diapers, bottle, and other provisions were all in place, in case they were needed.
“Of course not,” her father assured her, looking a little impatient. “Why would I mind spending quality time with my granddaughter? I’m just going to watch the game. Maybe I can teach her a thing or two about it.”
“Sounds like a good plan. I won’t be too long. I just feel like being alone for a little while. I’ll have my phone, though, so just call me if she starts to get fussy.”
She’d taken Mackenzie out of the city the night before—after a very long, stressful week—and they’d stayed with her father. Even in the quiet of the small town and her childhood home, however, she was still feeling stressed and restless. So she’d decided to get away by herself for a few hours that afternoon, and her father had volunteered to watch the baby for her.
After rehearsing everything with her dad a few more times, Erin finally left the house. Feeling strangely free and solitary, she drove around for a while before she found a good spot to park her car. Then she got out and walked, breathing deeply and trying to clear her mind of all of her worries and stresses.
After walking for an hour, she felt a lot better. So she bought a cup of coffee and started back home
On her way home, she passed a cemetery. The cemetery where Mac was buried. Where she’d first talked to Seth—more than fifteen months ago now.
There was a blue, luxury car parked half on the drive and half on the grass.
She recognized it.
Following her impulse, she turned into the driveway and parked behind the other car.
She got out and walked over toward Mac’s grave, where someone was already standing.
Someone she recognized very well.
Seth’s back was to her, but his broad-shouldered, erect figure and almost auburn hair were impossible to mistake.
She paused, wondering if he wanted privacy, but something about the slight hunch in his shoulders made her continue.
Erin had no idea what Seth was doing at this grave on a random Saturday afternoon.
Not sure how to announce her presence, Erin didn’t say anything as she approached. She was about eight feet away when he said, without turning around, “What are you doing here?”
She couldn’t tell from his voice whether or not he was glad she was there.
“I don’t really know.” she began, coming to a stop beside him. “I was just driving back to my dad’s and saw your car.”
Seth’s eyes were focused on the simple gravestone. “You didn’t mention you were coming out here when we talked yesterday.”
Erin wasn’t sure if there was a reproach in his words or not, but she felt compelled to explain. “I would have told you if I'd known beforehand. I didn’t realize I was coming until after work. I just wanted to see my dad.”
“And get away for a while.”
“Yeah.” Something about Seth’s face at the moment was tight and wounded, although his expression showed absolutely no emotion. “Are you all right?”
For the first time, Seth turned his head to look at her. “Of course.”
He was lying to her. Hiding, as he always did.
Erin didn’t want him to always have to hide. “Why are you here?” she asked softly, the last word catching in her throat, mostly from the anxiety of asking such an intimate question.
“I should think it was obvious. Visiting Mac’s grave.”
“Do you come here a lot?”
“No.”
Her reason told her to stop now. Not to push this. Not to venture into territory that was too private, too risky. But something inside her wanted this, wanted to know him deeply, wanted to share even more with him.
“Why come today?”
Seth shrugged. “Why not?”
“What kind of answer is that?”
“It’s the only one I have.”
And that was answer enough.
Obviously, about this, Seth wasn’t ready to open up to her.
It was fine. Expected. Nothing to regret. Nothing to be hurt about.
The lump in Erin’s throat was purely incidental.
“I’m staying here all weekend,” she remarked, deciding she might as well change the subject, since her attempt at bonding had been rebuffed.
Seth nodded. Said nothing.
Releasing a breath, Erin persisted, even though she now wanted to run back to her car and drive away from this tense conversation as quickly as she could.
“Are you going back to the city today?” she asked, searching for something normal to say.
Seth turned to look at her again. “I wasn’t planning on it. Why?”
“I thought, if you were sticking around, then Mackenzie and I could have dinner with you.”
To her relief, the tension in Seth’s expression and body was starting to loosen up. “Won’t your father be disappointed if you don't eat with him?”
“He already had plans this evening, so we were going to make do on our own.” She paused. Felt a flutter of self-consciousness. “But it’s no big deal if you want to be alone. We were just going to take it easy this evening anyway.”
“Why don’t you two come over to Mac’s house, then? I don’t need to get back until tomorrow.
Erin nodded and was about to reply when Seth added, “Unless you’d rather have some time alone. You said you wanted to get away from everything this weekend.”
She smiled. “I didn't want to get away from you.”
Without warning, Seth returned her smile, and, for a long moment, they held the gaze.
Feeling more confident, she asked, “Are you sure you’re all right?”
“You already asked me that.”
“But you never answered it. You never answer anything.”
“That is patently untrue.”
“I meant about your feelings. I know you’re not the kind of person who spills your guts, but you hardly ever tell me anything. How am I supposed to even be a friend to you if you don’t share anything, if you never even give me a hint?”
His jaw clenched, and the sun—getting lower in the sky—shone onto his hair, burnishing the brown almost bronze. “I’ve given you plenty of hints. I’ve told you how I feel about you.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m just saying in general.” Then she heard herself saying something she’d never intended to say. “I just want you to know you can...you can trust me.”
Seth was silent for a moment. Then he relaxed and shook his head. “What do you want to know?” he asked resignedly.
Erin’s nerves disappeared. She actually chuckled. “Nothing in particular. I didn’t mean to sound like I was complaining.”
Now that the tension and anxiety had dissipated, Erin felt like she wanted to be closer to him, so she slid an arm around his waist and gave him a sideways hug. “I really wasn’t. I was just saying.”
“All right.” Seth draped one arm around her, pulling her even more snugly against his side. “Point taken.”
He seemed to have understood what she’d been trying to say.
Which was quite remarkable, since Erin didn’t quite understand it herself.
“So you and Mackenzie will come over to the house this evening?” he asked, his body warm and strong against hers, his eyes shifting back to the grave.
“Yeah. We'll come over.”
“Good,” Seth murmured, after a long moment of silence. “I could use your company tonight.”
***
“What office do you think they’ll move you to?” Seth asked, scooting his chair closer to the small dining table.
Erin felt a familiar weight in her chest as she thought about her job. “I don’t know. Somewhere where my relationship with you won’t be conside
red a conflict of interest.”
Her boss had been remarkably kind in the face of the story, which had caused more of a stir than they’d been hoping, and he clearly felt bad about the need to transfer her to another position. She was pretty sure, if the news hadn’t come out so publicly, he might not have insisted she get moved at all.
But reputation mattered a lot in a judge’s position—the public had to believe in the integrity of the system—and she could hardly blame him for protecting both himself and the justice system.
So her job paid the price.
“Maybe they’ll find something good for you,” Seth said, obviously trying to be encouraging.
“Maybe.” She wasn’t optimistic, though. She’d liked her job. A lot. And now it was gone. “At least I wasn’t fired outright.”
Seth frowned and shifted his eyes distractedly toward Mackenzie, who was propped up in her carrier so that she could see the action at the table. With her tiny fingers, she gripped her plastic baby spoon, which Erin was letting her hold until it was time to feed her. “There would be no cause to fire you outright.”
“Maybe not, and I’m sure they don’t want to risk a possible lawsuit so they’d avoid doing something like that. But my contract makes it clear that they get to decide what constitutes a conflict of interest.” Erin took another bite of the pasta they’d fixed earlier, not really in the mood to appreciate the meal as much as she would have otherwise. “They have the right to let me go if I call into question the administration of justice.”
“Well, maybe the new position will be one you really like,” Seth said, repeating his previous sentiment.
He was in a strange mood this evening. Polite, pleasant, but almost tense beneath his cool façade. Like he was struggling with something big, but had forced it down into a tight little ball, refusing to acknowledge it.
Erin swallowed her last bite and then took a long sip of her water. “All right, pumpkin,” she began, standing up so she could remove the baby from the carrier. “I think it’s time for you to eat too.”
She fastened a bib around Mackenzie’s neck and then moved the bowl of infant cereal mixed with breast milk to a more convenient location on the table in front of her. Since there wasn’t a highchair in the house, she just sat Mackenzie in her lap.
Erin let the baby keep holding onto the spoon and used a second spoon to start feeding her.
Seth watched the proceedings, although he was silent and contained. Erin spooned out a small bite of cereal for Mackenzie, who messily managed to eat at least half of what was on the spoon. The rest ended up on her bib and her chin.
After a few bites, Erin glanced over at Seth, who was still observing the two of them with an odd stare, both blank and intense. “Do you want to try?” she offered, holding the spoon out for him.
She had no idea whether or not he’d want to help feed Mackenzie, but it was only fair to give him a chance.
Seth looked at first like he might object, but then he gave a little shrug. Without a word, he moved his chair closer to Erin’s. He accepted the proffered spoon, dipped it in the cereal, and then held it up to Mackenzie’s mouth.
She hesitated. Then gave a high-pitched shriek and waved her arm wildly.
Her hand hit the spoon, causing the cereal to fly off and plop onto Seth’s black shirt.
He looked down at the smear of wet cereal on his chest.
Erin couldn’t help but smile, and Mackenzie broke into giggles of delight.
Seth shook his head. “It’s quite unfair for you to gang up on me that way.”
Erin shook with amusement, but she tried to hold Mackenzie still. “You messed up your daddy’s pretty shirt.” The silly distraction had helped to ease some of the tension in the air. “He’s not wearing a bib like you are.”
Seth cleared his throat and gave Erin a long-suffering look. “Shall we try again?”
While Erin adjusted Mackenzie until she was sitting upright, Seth spooned out a little more cereal. Held it up to the baby’s mouth.
Mackenzie gave another ecstatic squeal and waved her arms again, once more hitting the spoon so that the cereal flew off and landed on Seth’s shirt just under his neck.
He blinked down once again at the mess on his shirt.
Mackenzie giggled gleefully, evidently having discovered a new game.
Shaking his head resignedly, Seth grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. Erin watched almost stupefied until she realized he had a t-shirt on under it.
But, still, she noticed the way the smooth fabric of his shirt emphasized his broad shoulders and the lean lines of his chest. She’d seen him naked before, but—for some reason—the sight of him in the t-shirt seemed different, more intimate.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing. Now, Mackenzie,” Erin said, adjusting the baby into a better sitting position. “I know it’s great fun to throw cereal at your daddy, but let’s try to be good. Your daddy wants to feed you.”
“He might have changed his mind about that.”
“Try once more,” Erin said, the little scene distracting her from the worries of the week. From the strange mood that had fallen over them in the cemetery and was threatening to fall over them here too.
Seth cleared his throat and dipped out another spoonful of cereal.
This time, Mackenzie got ahead of herself and started waving her arms—still clutching the other spoon in one hand—before Seth had raised the cereal to her mouth. He let her babble and squeal happily for a minute, and, when she’d subsided, he fed her a spoonful, which this time she deigned to accept.
“Good job,” Erin murmured, rubbing Mackenzie’s back. “That was a good bite.”
“Was that praise for Mackenzie or for me?”
“Both of you, I guess.”
After several minutes and a few more messes, they finished with the cereal. Mackenzie was starting to get rather fussy—the shift between her giggling and a rising temper-fit happening so quickly that Seth actually blinked in surprise.
“She’s tired,” Erin explained. “I think my dad played with her all afternoon, so she didn’t get her normal nap.” She leaned over to kiss her daughter’s temple, which the baby didn’t appreciate at all. The pink face screwed up indignantly, and she hit Erin in the chin with the spoon she still held.
“Ouch,” Erin said softly, gently taking the spoon out of her hand. “You don’t hit mommy.”
Mackenzie made a frantic grab to retrieve the treasured spoon, and—when she couldn’t get it back—she started to wail.
Seth had been watching them with a disturbing expression on his face, one Erin couldn’t quite identify.
The interlude of feeding Mackenzie together had been warm and pleasant—and had been a temporary distraction. But now she felt exhausted and a little bit sad, although she couldn’t really pinpoint why, other than her job situation.
“I’m going to nurse her again to make sure she had enough to eat,” Erin told Seth. “And then I’ll put her down. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Seth nodded. “If you’d rather leave now...”
Erin shook her head and spoke over Mackenzie’s renewed fussing. “My dad’s gone all evening. It’s his poker night. So I might as well hang out with you.” She held Mackenzie out toward Seth. “Say goodnight to your daddy, pumpkin.”
Seth leaned over and gave Mackenzie a light kiss, which was returned with only a scowl. “If you want to nurse her, I’ll get the bassinet from the car and set it up.”
This sounded like a reasonable plan, so Erin took Mackenzie to the first bedroom down the hall, which was the one they’d had sex in the last time she was in this house. She noticed that Seth’s overnight bag was on the floor of the room and his laptop on the desk. This must be the room he planned to sleep in.
She’d finished nursing and burping Mackenzie and had gotten up when she noticed something on the desk. The soft leather briefcase he carried his laptop in was lying on its side. A pile of
papers and files had slid halfway out of the case.
Erin wouldn’t have given them a second look, except she caught a glimpse of something familiar.
Without consciously making the decision to snoop, she pulled out the photo from a pile of papers.
She’d seen it before, of course. It was the picture of her and three-month-old Mackenzie, both of them laughing. The photo Erin had emailed to Seth, when she’d thought he was out of their lives for good. The one that hadn’t been with the other pictures of Mackenzie that Erin had found in Seth’s apartment the night everything changed.
The photo was worn and a little wrinkled, as if he’d been carrying it around—for three months.
As she stared at it, a lump grew in her throat, so large it threatened to strangle her. Somehow, this felt more significant than if Seth had framed the picture and put it next to his bed. It had just been stuck in a pile of papers, but Erin wasn’t fool enough to think it didn’t mean something.
Something important.
Not just that Seth liked the picture. But that he carried it around with him. Every day. With his work. Wherever he went.
Erin tried to imagine him looking at the picture as he set up his laptop this afternoon. Tried to imagine what he might think about as he looked at it.
Standing in the empty bedroom, holding her daughter, Erin was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion—too nebulous and confusing to name. For a moment she thought she might cry.
But she managed to swallow over the feeling and quickly returned the photo to its place. Then she left the bedroom in a rush, feeling like she’d trespassed on something too intimate, something too private. Somewhere she didn’t belong.
She really hadn’t intended to snoop.
She saw Seth had set up the portable bassinet she’d brought with her this weekend in the room across the hall, so she put Mackenzie down and watched her a few minutes to make sure she was going to sleep in the strange place.