by Elia Winters
Scarlett smiled, just a hint of one that she tried to suppress, but the little up-tilt of her lips was enough to make Megan even angrier. “It’s because we match,” Scarlett said, but Megan shook her head.
“It’s not just that. It’s because of how you look at me, and the way you touch me, and dance with me...you treat me like you want to be with me, and other people can see that.” Megan’s heart was thundering in her head by this point.
“So what? Maybe I do. Maybe I do like you. Maybe I thought you liked me, too.” Scarlett’s smile was gone, hurt and anger warring on her expression instead. “Maybe if you weren’t throwing me so many goddamned mixed signals, I’d know where you stood, too.”
“Mixed signals?” Megan took a step forward. “What are you talking about?”
“You cuddle with me, you have sex with me, you say it’s a bad idea, and then you have sex with me again? What am I supposed to do with that?” Scarlett started to pace.
Remembering those nights in the cabin made Megan’s face heat, and then her body, the hormones flooding through her even alongside the irritation. “You weren’t objecting.”
“Because I thought you wanted me.” Scarlett stopped pacing and folded her arms across her chest, like they might be armor to protect her. “I didn’t realize you were just using me to get your rocks off.”
Megan blinked, her stomach dropping. “I wasn’t doing that.”
“Are you sure? Because it feels a little bit like that from my end.” Scarlett took a step forward. “Yeah, I told you I fall in love with everybody, and that was a little bit of an exaggeration. You know who I have fallen in love with? You. I had such a crush on you in high school, and I was so ashamed of not being good enough for you, good enough for your perfect vision of yourself, that I ended our friendship. I thought on this trip, I might be able to connect with you again. Get back that friendship. Instead, though, I figured out that I’m in love with you. I can’t go to bed with you and have it mean nothing. Not with...not with you.” Scarlett’s voice trailed off, and she stood standing in front of Megan, her chest heaving, her face flush with emotion and eyes bright with anger and tears.
Megan’s emotions caught in her throat. She’d been terrified of these exact words, terrified that Scarlett would want something different than friendship, would get too attached and ask for more than Megan wanted to give. But she also couldn’t stand here and say it was meaningless. “It’s not nothing,” she said, her voice coming out strangled. “It didn’t mean nothing.”
“It was fun. That’s what you said, right? Fun.” Scarlett’s smile turned bitter. “I like when people see us together and think we’re together. I like being with you. But you don’t want me. You don’t know what you want, but you know it’s not me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m too loud, or too clingy, too something, or maybe I’m not enough. I’ve been terrified of being not enough for you. And now, I’m pouring my heart out here, and you’re just standing there. Like you don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t know what to do!” The words burst out of Megan like a dam breaking. “I’m scared, Scarlett! I’m scared of what my future holds, and of what I haven’t done with my life. And I’m scared to let my guard down and get hurt. I’m scared of failing, and I’m scared of being alone, and I’m scared of making the wrong decisions.” She was crying, damn it, tears welling up because she was an angry crier and a frustrated crier and her emotions were too much for her body to contain. “I asked that Salem witch woman for direction and clarity, and I’ve been burning this candle every single fucking night because I don’t know what to do. I’m paralyzed. I’ve spent my entire adult life protecting myself, putting other people’s needs first, never getting close to anyone, terrified of getting my heart broken. I’ve spent this entire trip trying to keep myself from getting in over my head. And you stand in front of me and tell me that I don’t want you?”
Megan was shaking, with frustration but also fear, the fear that clawed its way up inside her even though she would not let that fear win. “Fuck you, Scarlett. Of course I want you. I’m terrified of how much I want you. I want to kiss you, and be with you, and I’m scared that you’re going to leave again, and I’m scared of how much I...of how much I want to be with you anyway. I’m scared because I love you, too.”
Scarlett sucked in a breath, her face lighting up with desperate hope, and then she closed the distance between them and crushed Megan’s mouth to hers. Scarlett kissed her like she was drowning, and Megan was the only air, and Megan clung to her with the same intensity. She was crying, they were both crying, wrapped around each other and holding tight like each was the other’s lifeline.
Their lips parted, scant inches apart, breathing each other’s air, and Scarlett pressed her forehead against Megan’s. “Wait. Wait.”
Megan gulped air. “I can wait.”
“I want to be with you. Just you.” Scarlett held Megan close with an arm around her back. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes.” Megan nodded, her head bumping Scarlett’s, laughing despite the tears still wet on her cheeks.
“And you’re willing to be honest with me, even when it’s scary?”
Megan nodded again. “Yeah. I can do that.” She swallowed. “And you meant what you said earlier, about not running away again, right? Even from this.”
“Even from this.” Scarlett nodded. “Will you trust me?”
Megan’s heart was too full, the kind of full that didn’t translate well into words. Scarlett had been worried about living up to Megan’s expectations, like she wasn’t already the most wonderful person Megan knew. “I trust you,” Megan said. “And...you’re enough. You’re more than enough.”
Scarlett’s face lit up with a beaming smile of relief, and then she kissed Megan again, clumsy through their smiles. “We’re a mess,” Scarlett said. “We’re such a mess.”
“Yeah.” Megan wiped her tears away. “I think I can stop burning my candle now.”
“That’s it? That’s all the direction and clarity you need?” Scarlett laughed. “Come on. You still said you’re trying to figure out the rest of your life. You should keep burning it.”
“Maybe we can talk that through on the drive back.” Megan imagined the road stretching back out ahead of them, the miles to sing along to more CDs and plan their relationship. “If you can still stand me by the end of it.”
Scarlett pursed her lips. “It’s gonna be hard, but I’ll do my best.”
“Do you want to go back to the wedding?”
Scarlett looked out the window at the night, at the snow falling outside the window. “I think I’d like to stay here with you, if you don’t mind.”
Megan couldn’t help the happiness that bubbled up inside her. “I’d like nothing better.”
* * *
Scarlett couldn’t stop smiling as Megan kissed her, leading her back to the bed with every step. She was already pulling at Scarlett’s suit jacket, and Scarlett had to slow her down before they ruined both sets of formal wear. Between kisses and touches, they undressed, careful to toss their clothes onto Scarlett’s bed rather than the floor, and tumbled together onto Megan’s bed, laughing.
“Finally.” Megan pinned Scarlett’s shoulders to the bed, arching up to look down at her. “I’ve been wanting to get you out of that suit all day.”
“Fuck.” Scarlett dropped her head back onto the pillow, her desire skyrocketing with just those words. “I thought you didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.”
“I didn’t want you to fall in love with me.” Megan dropped a kiss on her lips. “I think I’ve been lying to myself for a while now.”
“I think I’ve been in love with you for a while now.” Scarlett wrapped an arm around Megan and dragged her down for another, deeper kiss, their curves pressing against each other. Megan wedged a thigh between Scarlett’s legs and Scarlett arched reflexively a
gainst it as Megan kissed her way down Scarlett’s chest and sucked a nipple into her mouth. Before this trip, she’d never expected Megan to be this aggressive in bed, so confident and completely comfortable with her body. It was fantastic. “Fuck, Megan, you keep that up, I’m going to fall in love with you even more.”
Megan gave her a nip that made her jump, and then moved to the other breast. “Wait until you see all the sex toys I have at home.”
That was a terrifyingly good prospect. Scarlett was about to say so when a sharp jolt of pleasure stole her words. Megan’s slender fingers flicked over her clit, then lower, sliding inside her. She swore loudly, making Megan chuckle again. “You like that?”
“Can’t you tell?” Scarlett gasped, bucking against Megan’s hand. “God, if I’d known you could do this, I’d have taken you to bed forever ago.”
Megan lifted her head to smile down at Scarlett, her fingers still working magic over Scarlett’s clit. Backlit by the lamps, her hair was illuminated in a halo, her perfect French twist coming loose in wild strands. She was beautiful. “Return the favor, and I’ll call it even.”
Scarlett nodded, already building toward that precipice, her orgasm bearing down on her like an unstoppable tidal wave. “Deal.”
Hours later, they lay side by side on Megan’s bed, sweaty and breathless. Megan threw an arm over her head. “I lost count of how many times you made me come.”
“Same.” Scarlett rolled up onto her side to look down at Megan. “You know we still have time to spend here, right? We’ve got the hotel for four days.”
“Four days.” Megan licked her lips. “I have to hydrate more if we’re gonna fuck like that for four days.”
Scarlett laughed. “I’m not talking about that. I’m saying, we don’t have to rush back onto the road. We’re in Quebec. We can sightsee. Don’t you have a whole page in your scrapbook about this city?”
Megan nodded. “I have a lot of pictures still to take. But that involves leaving this bed.”
Scarlett bent to kiss her. Megan was going to drive her crazy, but that was worth it. “I do love you, you know.”
Megan nodded. “I know. I love you, too. Are you getting all sappy on me?”
“Probably.”
Megan’s smile was as bright as Scarlett had ever seen it. “Good.”
* * *
If Megan were going to envision a perfect way to spend her last day in Quebec, it would be this moment exactly: sitting in a cafe in the middle of the old city, sipping chocolat chaud and eating macarons across from Scarlett, who was exclaiming over the desserts and making deals about their future.
“All right how about this.” Scarlett held a single elderberry macaron aloft. “I’ll apply to two colleges if you apply to two radio stations.”
“Are there even two radio stations in Crystal River?” Megan snatched the macaron from Scarlett’s hand and bit into the crisp shell, the flavor exploding sharp on her tongue. God, these were amazing. “One radio station, two colleges.”
“You can look beyond Crystal River. We’re driving distance from lots of other towns. Two and two; that’s fair.” Scarlett stole the macaron back out of Megan’s hand and ate the entire rest of it in one bite. “Get your own,” she said around a mouthful of macarons. “These are mine.”
“I thought we were sharing.”
Scarlett made a face. “That was before I tried one, and discovered how good they are. I hope you don’t expect me to share all my desserts if we move in together.”
Megan paused, hot chocolate halfway to her mouth. “Did you want to move in with me?” She hadn’t considered it seriously, hadn’t thought Scarlett would want to take that step so quickly.
Scarlett ducked her head, looking away as a faint blush colored her cheeks. “I don’t know. My lease is up at the end of May, and I haven’t talked to Jacen about renewing or not. Maybe we could see how it goes for a while and then talk about it?”
“I’d like that.” Megan could see a future shaping itself with each new suggestion, each possibility they laid out for the two of them together. “You really think some radio station might hire me?”
“I think you’ve got a better shot of that than I do for finishing my degree.” Scarlett shrugged. “But you promised to help me study if I get in, so what the hell? We’re not getting any younger.”
“You make it sound like we’re ancient.” Megan ate another macaron, pistachio this time, and that might be her new favorite.
“Speak for yourself.”
Megan chewed thoughtfully. “And you have to stop insulting yourself. All this ‘I’m not teacher smart’ and ‘no shot of finishing my degree.’”
“Now wait a minute,” Scarlett protested. “That wasn’t part of the deal.”
“I’m making it part of the deal. No negative self-talk about your intelligence.”
Scarlett rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine, fine. I guess it’ll be good practice for working with students someday.”
Megan smiled. Scarlett was going to make a great teacher, and maybe she really could run a radio show of some kind. “Okay, then you’ve got a deal.”
“And I think you should get a mic and start a podcast.”
Megan drank more hot chocolate. Scarlett had mentioned her starting a podcast before, but would anyone actually want to listen to her? “Aren’t there enough podcasts in the world?”
“It’s good practice for your radio show. Get yourself a following, talk about whatever you like. A project. Weren’t you saying how you needed a new hobby?”
“I don’t know... I think that was you.” Megan could at least consider it, though. “You know we’re going to have to tell our families we’re together.”
“My mom will be thrilled.” Scarlett laughed. “She was after me to ask you out way back in high school.” Scarlett rolled her eyes. “I kept telling her you were straight, and she kept forgetting.”
“Or maybe she was psychic.” Megan considered taking another macaron, but decided against it. “My parents are going to be insufferable. They’ll want to know all our plans, how serious we are, if we’re gonna get married and have babies, all of it.”
“Oh, god. Well, tell them to lay off. We’ve got careers to plan for. Right?” Scarlett raised her mug in a toast.
Megan gently clinked her mug to Scarlett’s. “Right.”
Outside, snow was lightly falling. This afternoon, she was going to a Quebecois salon and getting a pixie cut. Then tomorrow, they would get up early and start the drive back to Florida, with at least one scheduled stop in New York and a few more getting added to the list.
She smiled at Scarlett across the table. Next week, they’d be back home, back to the same place where they’d started, but nothing was going to be the same again.
EPILOGUE
May, a little over two years later
“Scarlett! Come out here and pose for a picture!”
Scarlett fixed the angle of her mortarboard in the mirror one last time, adjusting a bobby pin holding it secure. “I’m coming!”
Megan was waiting impatiently in the living room, tapping her foot, that instant camera held aloft in anticipation. She stopped tapping as soon as Scarlett appeared, gasping and holding her hands over her mouth. “Look at you!” She blinked rapidly.
“Are you crying? Don’t cry.” If Megan started to cry, Scarlett was going to start to cry.
“I’m not crying.” Megan shook her head way too fast for that to be true, sniffed once, and held up the camera. “Okay. Strike a pose. This one’s for the scrapbook.”
Scarlett posed, and Megan snapped the photo, which whirred out of the little slot at the bottom. In what had become a tradition now, they both crowded around the photo while it developed, watching the blank slate resolve into first muted, then full colors. In a few minutes, they’d put this one into the new scrapbook, the one t
hat had grown to catalog their first years together. Megan had already put together a page for Scarlett’s college graduation, decorated with headings but with plenty of room for the photos and the program from the ceremony itself.
“Can we put it in the book now?” Megan looked at the clock. “I don’t want you to be late for the ceremony.”
“We’ve got time.” Scarlett was used to Megan’s fastidiousness around documentation, her desire to get photos into the book. Already, the scrapbook lay open on the kitchen table to the right page. After Megan affixed this photo, she went to grab something out of the other room, leaving Scarlett to leaf through the last few pages. There was one for Megan’s radio job, decorated with photos of her in the studio and the temporary name badge she’d worn at her orientation, plus a cutout newspaper clipping advertising her as a new on-air personality. A page back was Scarlett’s acceptance letter to the university. She’d talked Megan out of putting the full document of her transfer credits in here, too, but she’d posed for a photo beside the giant sign at the campus entrance. Although the Scarlett in the photo was rolling her eyes, she still looked happy, and the photo brought back that same sense of nervous exhilaration she’d felt upon going back to school. Megan’s confidence had carried her through, though; Megan had believed in her even when she’d doubted herself, had even insisted on putting some of her ten thousand dollars toward Scarlett’s first semester. The rest she’d invested, because—as she’d told Scarlett—they were going to want a house of their own someday.
Scarlett smiled until her face hurt whenever she thought about it.
Tonight, after graduation, they were headed up to Tybee Island for an extended getaway weekend, and Scarlett had agreed that Megan could get her up to watch the sunrise again. Hopefully, they’d be putting a new page in the scrapbook, a page Scarlett had been secretly crafting for weeks now. Tied to the page with ribbon was a simple gold ring.