by Marie, Amy
~~
Alex’s parents have asked to keep Jason a lot more. I don’t know if one of them is dying or they pulled their heads out of their ass and decided it was time to become the grandparents that they should be, but things have changed recently.
They ask for him constantly, and even though I enjoy not having to pay a sitter or bother Erin with watching him I still hate going over there to drop him off or pick him up. I don’t feel welcome.
It’s three o’clock when I pull up to their house after numerous calls with no answer. I figure that Jason is napping and they have the ringer off.
Her dad must have run an errand since the driveway is empty but I can see the front door cracked open.
My stomach drops a little as I near the door, an uneasy feeling coming over me. Regardless of the open door I still feel as though I need to knock. When no one responds after a few minutes I make the decision to go in anyway.
The house is quiet, too quiet, but there’s soft music playing from the extra room off the dining area where Jason usually naps.
A woman’s humming filters through the air and my heart stops when I hit the threshold.
“Alex!?”
~~
Piss. Ass. Drunk. That’s where I’m at right now. After seeing Alex holding my son, MY SON, in her arms rocking him to sleep, I fucking lost it.
How dare she think it’s okay to touch him? Hold him?
He’s MINE!
Where the hell has she been? Where was she when I was in the ER with him for a one hundred four degree temperature? When he was teething and needed my shirt to chew on? When he needed a goddamn MOTHER for Christ’s sake?
I don’t know and I don’t care. I didn’t give her the chance to tell me. I snatched up my son and walked out the door meeting her parents as they pulled in.
Her mother begged and pleaded for me to stay and talk things through. To explain. Fuck that.
They’ll never see him again. EVER.
I drove Jason to my moms and came home. I don’t want any of those assholes to show up here and think they can see him.
So Jack Daniel’s and I have become better acquainted over the past few hours and now my vision is blurred, my body is weak and I’ve almost forgotten the heartache of this afternoon with Noelle.
Almost.
Alex showing up is not even a blip on my radar compared to my trouble with Noelle.
God I love her, but I won’t share her.
The doorbell rings and I silently hope it’s Noe.
Anger boils through me when I find Alex’s brown eyes and not Noelle’s blue ones on the other side of the door. Alex’s ratty brown hair, instead of Noelle’s soft, flowing blonde.
“Go away, Alex,” I yell slamming the door in her face.
“Trent, please let me in,” her soft voice is barely a whisper through the door.
“Fuck you, Alex,” I say ignoring her request and making myself another Jack and Coke.
I fall back onto my couch and after a few silent moments later Alex is standing in front of me, hands on her hips, clothes dripping wet from the downpour that started an hour ago.
“Trent, please listen to me. I need to explain. I owe you that much.” She sits on the coffee table next to my propped up legs.
Noelle would beat her ass if she saw Alex sitting soaking wet on my coffee table.
Drunken thoughts of Noelle and how much I love her force my eyes to shut. The way her body felt under my fingertips.
“Where’s Jason?” Alex’s shrill voice invades my daydream.
My eyes fly open and meet hers. “None of your damn business. Get the hell out of my house!”
“No!”
“No? This is my fucking house! It would’ve been yours if you stuck around but you took off you selfish bitch! Then you come back around and you don’t have the decency to let me know?” I jump up making her flinch. “Spend time with my, yes MY son, and then you want to come here looking for him and you won’t leave. Get the hell out before I physically throw you out!”
“You wouldn’t hurt a woman, Trent.” Her hand taps the side of my leg.
I jerk away from her and stalk to the kitchen. “Don’t touch me, Alex. You lost that privilege a long time ago.”
The day she left is still fresh in my mind. My heart broke. As soon as I realized she wasn’t coming back Jason started to cry hysterically, and he couldn’t be soothed for hours. It was like he knew he was abandoned.
Sighing she stands and walks slowly my way but keeps her distance. “I was sick, Trent. I needed help.”
“You would’ve had to be sick to walk away from him. From the biggest blessing in your LIFE.” I take a long sip of my drink letting the coolness calm down the rage I have. I need to relax before I throw something.
It’s too much in one day. I can’t handle anymore.
“Trent, can you please just sit down. Let me tell you what I have to say and then you can kick me out if you want.”
Fine. If I let her explain she can leave, and I don’t have to see her fucking face ever again. I nod, and she turns to walk back into the living room. I follow but make sure to sit as far from her as possible.
It’s silent for what feels like an eternity, neither of us looking at the other.
“I was scared,” she says breaking the silence.
I’m in disbelief. She’s lying.
“That’s bullshit.” I call her out.
“It’s not bullshit.” She starts crying then stands up and starts pacing back and forth.
“I was stressed, Trent. You were trying to start your business and I was home alone with a baby. I know it’s not an excuse but I felt trapped and the thoughts that ran through my head were scary thoughts. Thoughts of harming Jason every time he cried. I found out after I left that I suffered from post partum depression.”
Her body crumbles to the ground and it takes everything in me not to go comfort her. The anger of her leaving me and not telling me what was really going on keep me in my place. I have no sympathy.
As the shaking takes over she continues, “After I left I started using drugs. It started off as pot but then it progressed and eventually it was cocaine. Then one night everything changed. I didn’t know what I was doing, I promise. I had so much cocaine in my system that night and I felt out of control. There were all these people there and the last thing I remember was being in the bedroom with two men.”
My eyebrow rises wondering where this is going.
“I woke up the next morning scared and alone in the bed. My life had spiraled and I knew I needed to change. I was embarrassed and so I called my parents and they sent me to a facility that dealt with drug use. They wanted me clean before I could even consider seeing Jason again.”
“I didn’t know all that happened and please forgive me but that was almost two years ago. It took you this long to go through rehab? Why did it take so long to come back?”
She starts to tremble as her sobs get louder. I reach over placing a comforting hand on her, not sure what else there could be, but it’s not helping.
Thirty minutes pass by before she calms down and I’m now sobered up. The mother of my child is broken down.
She pushes away from me, grabs a tissue off the table, and blows her nose. Then she grabs another dabbing away the tears and mascara.
Her brown eyes have turned a dark shade of green. I remember they do that when she is upset.
“If you check into a place like that they give you a physical. When they did mine they found a lump in my breast.” She looks down as though she doesn’t want to continue.
I see dread. The look splayed across her face tells me the rest she has to say isn’t good.
I’m right.
When she wasn’t sobbing into my shirt she told her story of the past two years. The lump they found, the tests they did, finding out she had breast cancer and the surgery that didn’t get it all. Numerous treatments and surgeries have all been unsuccessful.
“I came ho
me to spend time with Jason. I wanted to come see you but I didn’t know if you would let me explain. I guess I should have called or written you. I’ve been staying with Mom and Dad for just over a month.”
“Alex, is there anything else they can do?”
She looks down into her entwined fingers.
“No. I have six months. At most,” she says her face void.
Six months? No!
The doorbell rings and even though I don’t want to get up, I know that if I sit there I’m going to break down completely.
The mother of my child is going to die. I thought it was bad before not knowing where she was. However, finding out that in six months time we will have to bury her hurts my heart like nothing I have ever felt before.
“That might be my mom,” Alex says grabbing another tissue. “She is probably worried about me and I left her cell in the car.”
“It’s okay. I’ll get it.”
When I open the door I find what my heart was hoping for earlier. Noelle. Her blue eyes show through the darkness that the rain clouds have brought.
“Trent.” She breathes out looking helpless. “Can we talk?”
“Who is it?” Alex asks from behind me and Noelle’s face drops.
“Not right now, Noelle.”
She steps back, shocked, and I slowly close the door. I can’t deal with her right now. I have to focus on the bomb that Alex has dropped on me. If Noelle wants me, and if it’s meant to be, she will wait. She will understand.
He loves me?
“Noe.” Erin’s soft voice startles me as I watch Trent’s truck take off from the restaurant, and I wipe the lone tear sliding down my cheek. “Come back inside. He’ll cool off.”
Looking up to the crystal clear blue sky I silently pray for clarity.
“I’m hurting people, Erin. Not just me but others too. I can’t keep doing this.” All the air leaves my lungs, and I feel her arms wrap around me from behind.
Her breath is hot through my shirt as she speaks. “I know he is my brother and you are my best friend but I want you both to be happy. I know you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be.”
I was spouting off that same shit to her last year when Robert screwed around on her. Why is it so easy to say those things to someone else but not believe them yourself? What my heart wants has changed. I want love. I need to find it but this isn’t how to go about it. I’ve got to get my shit straight.
“I have to go. I’ll see you and Walker at two o’clock at my office, okay?” I turn around to show her I am fine but I can see she wouldn’t believe me if I said it aloud.
“Okay.” Her perfectly manicured hand comes up and slides another renegade tear off my face. “I love you and nothing that happens will change that. I know that you aren’t hurting anyone on purpose. You’re just in a crappy situation.”
“I know. I love you too, Er.”
I don’t bother going back inside to fix things with Jace. I would probably just end up screwing that up too. How can my usually standard life be so fucked up and chaotic now?
Two men and no clue which one I want.
Maybe I don’t deserve either.
~~
“Well, don’t you look craptastic?” Hadley’s hoarse voice calls out.
“Shut up, bitch.” My normally sarcastic greeting borders on serious. I don’t want to put up with her right now.
I love Hadley but sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop.
“Yes, ma’am.” She salutes me and spins in her chair back to her computer. “Messages are on your desk.”
“Thank you.” I haphazardly fall into the leather chair behind my desk that’s directly in front of hers.
I grab the messages and as I’m reading them I can feel her eyes burning into my skin. Looking up I can see she wants to ask but is trying with all her might not to.
“What?” I snap.
Nosy bitch.
“Erin called.”
My eyebrows rise. “I don’t see that message here?”
“She told me what happened.” She waits for my response, but I give her nothing. What is so hard to understand that I don’t want to talk about it?
“Noelle.” She sighs so heavy I can smell her afternoon coffee from here.
“Drop it, Had. I don’t want to talk about it. And since when do you and Erin co-conspire? Do I need to find new friends? I swear I’ll log onto match.com and find some new friends.” My fingers pound onto the keyboard. “Or some lesbians. Maybe I’ll find new lesbian friends and then I wouldn’t have fucking guy problems!”
“Don’t be so dramatic.” She launches a hair tie my way hitting me dead between the eyes and stands up prancing around. “Oh, woe is me. My name is Noelle and two guys are pining after me but yet I walk around like I have a stick up my ass.” Her eyes zero in on mine. “Knock it the fuck off and get yourself together. The Prescott wedding appointment will be here soon.”
I gawk at her like she has two heads. “I know that, dipshit. She’s my best friend unless you want me to step aside and let you be the maid of honor since you two are so buddy-buddy lately.”
Hadley ignores me for the next hour except when I have a task for her to complete, to which she grunts a response. At least I know my work life is in order unlike the mess I have created in my personal life.
When Walker and Erin show up, Savannah in tow, I jump up from my seat happy to have something to take my mind off of the repeated sound of Trent saying he loves me and the vision of him leaving.
“Vannah! Come here, sweet baby!” I rip her out of Erin’s hands and dart my eyes at Walker, waiting.
“Don’t call her that, Noelle, or I swear I will go to your house and move things around in your fridge.” Walker teases.
My eyes go wide. “You wouldn’t!”
“Don’t think for a second I would hesitate. She doesn’t turn letters on a dumbass game show. Don’t call her that.”
Erin laughs as she throws the diaper bag on the chair next to Hadley’s desk.
“Walker.” My finger jabs into the hard muscle cased chest as I swing Savannah around to my hip. “If you so much as go near my fridge I will give you a vasectomy the “Noelle Grant” way. No more babies.”
I drag my finger across my neck in a cutting motion to get my point across.
It hits him where it counts. He most likely knows I’m kidding but he wants more kids and he wants them yesterday.
“Baby,” he says bringing his attention to Erin. “I want another little one.”
I can’t help but laugh. I know Erin wants more but she is in full blown wedding planning mode and has slapped a rubber on Walker every time they’ve had sex. Poor guy, although Savannah was a broken condom baby.
“Let’s get married first and then we can start trying.” Erin’s eyes roll in the back of her head and then she shoots daggers at me with them.
“Speaking of, did you two lovebirds decide on a date?”
Walker says, “Tomorrow.” The same time Erin says, “October eighth.”
“You’re really going to make me wait that long?” The over six foot tall baby whines. “I want you to join the Prescott club with Savannah and me. I want to give her siblings. Erin, I don’t want to wait that long.”
“Too bad. We’ve talked about this. We’ll get married in October. That’s that. You always push to get your way. This time it’s my choice.” She crosses her arms in a sign to end the conversation.
“Fine, but we’re practicing until then.”
“Practicing what, Walker?” She asks the sulking man baby.
“Making babies.”
At that moment, Hadley spits out her coffee all over her desk and Walker starts laughing all over again.
“Seriously?” he starts. “Do you have to be a spitter to work here?”
Walker was reluctant to hire me as their wedding coordinator. He thought I would drive Erin crazy. Turns out he is the one driving everyone else nuts. If he wanted to get married tomorrow then
trying to book the Chicago Botanical Gardens would be difficult to do in a day. Not to mention it costs more than one hundred fifty dollars per person there.
I’m taking this on with no commission and he is spending money like it is going out of style. If he weren’t marrying my best friend I might make him my sugar daddy.
Not that I need a third man in the mix.
Ugh.
Erin only has a few stipulations. She wants Savannah to be pulled in a wagon as a flower girl by her older cousins and for Trent to walk her down the aisle.
The thought makes me smile. I can see Papa Decker looking down at his children and beaming with pride. Nicole, Erin’s older sister, had been going through some tough times. After separating from her husband and getting a full time job where daycare is a major perk, she is now thriving. Trent’s construction business has been taking off, and Erin has got more than she ever dreamed of.
I wish I could say the same for me. Until recently I wasn’t looking for anything permanent. Just the usual booty calls. Never has any one of them wanted more than that. Well, if you count Chase hanging around a lot during the holidays but even then we both knew nothing more would come out of it.
Now, I want more. The turmoil with Trent and Jace sucks but it’s showing me that maybe I can eventually have what Erin has. I just don’t know with whom or if either one will accept me after the way this has all gone down.
At five o’clock I collect my things and mutter a goodbye to a still annoyed Hadley.
“Noelle,” she calls my name just before I hit the door.
I stop pivoting my feet around to face her. “Yea, Hadley.”
“What does your heart say?” She shrugs like the answer is easy and right there in front of me. Like I should know.
Well, I don’t. I have no fucking clue.
Completely drained I drag myself back to my chair and sit.
“I don’t know what it says. I’ve never had to talk to it. I feel like a cold hearted bitch. How can I not know what I want?”
“Okay,” she says planting her hands down on the desk and stands up. “Close your eyes.”
“Hadley, I don’t think that is going to help.”
“Just shut the hell up and do it. I did this when I was going through something with Braden.”