by Marie, Amy
“She was but I was pushing her off, Erin. I swear!” I stand up and yell towards the door. “I SWEAR!”
Erin slaps my shoulder and shushes me. “Savannah is sleeping. I told you I have this. I’ve tried to help you, Trent, and now I need to be there for my friend. You need to go home. Try tomorrow.”
My eyes look to hers begging for someone to understand. “What’s going on with Alex…it’s not my story to tell. I gave up on pursuing Noelle because I was tired of trying to compete with Jace. Then my issues with Alex were keeping me away, but now I can see she might feel for me what I do for her and I’m tired of protecting Alex. Noelle holds the key to my happiness and I love her, Erin. I need her to know that.”
She pulls me into her for a hug. I feel protected and secure even though I’m an entire foot taller than her. She’s my big sister, and I love her for always being on my side no matter what…even if she doesn’t think what I’m doing is right.
She pulls back to look at me. “Go home, Trent. Give her some time. I’ll try to diffuse this.”
I nod, relenting…for now.
I get back to my street, frustrated that I gave up, but knowing that Erin has it under control. She knows how much Noelle means to me, though she still doesn’t know why I’m allowing Alex back after all the talks we had after she left. I swore I wouldn’t let her back if she tried, and it looks to everyone like I’m a hypocrite.
I call my mom as the truck sits in park in the driveway.
“I already heard from Erin,” she answers. “Trent, baby boy, I understand your loyalty to Alex. You’ve always been a faithful man, and I know what’s going on with her is tough but Alex and I have talked. We want you happy. Do what you need to do to be happy.”
Holding the phone to my ear I look down and my head falls onto the steering wheel. “I love her, Mom. I love Noelle and I feel like at every turn we are being pulled apart. I just want things in my life to be simple for once. Is that too much to ask?”
“Nothing worth it is easy to attain. If this pursuit of Noelle is tough just think of how sweet the reward will be.”
A few weeks back I came clean to my mom about Alex. As much as I would love to tell the rest of the family and get them all off my back I want Alex to be the one to explain. If she wants them to know she can tell them but my mom dragged it out of me. She has a way with making her kids do what she wants.
I hang up and walk back into the house trying to keep my anger and sadness at bay. Alex didn’t know that she was on her way and I feel for her. I understand she wants to feel like a woman but my love for Noelle runs stronger than that. It runs through my blood and seeps through my body. I don’t belong to myself anymore. Noelle has ruined me and built me up all in the same instant. I pray to the Gods above that this whole summer can be fixed.
Alex is at the dining room table tissues scattered around. Her eyes are bloodshot and her body looks more tired than usual. She looks up at me, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Trent, I’m so sorry. I feel stupid and embarrassed.”
My head falls back and I look up towards the ceiling, taking a deep breath. Her sobs get louder, and I drag my feet over and kneel in front of her.
“Alex. You didn’t know she was coming and there is nothing to be embarrassed about.” I pull her face down to look at me. “I would love to be the one to make you feel like that again but I just can’t. For that I’m so sorry.”
She sniffles and nods her head in understanding. “I know. It’s not only your heart that belongs to her. When you love someone so deeply every fiber of your being is theirs.”
“Noelle does that to me.” I take a deep breath knowing what I’m going to say might hurt. “When you left, Alex, my world shifted. A wall went up, and I focused on doing my best for Jason and me, but feeling like it wasn’t enough. When I would pick him up, Noelle would tell me she was proud of me for going after my dream. When she was playing or sleeping with Jason, my wall would come down one brick at a time. When I realized I wanted her and was over you, I hid it. Now she knows I can’t do or think about anything else besides her. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. I’ve fucked it up enough.”
She smiles at me and takes my hand. “You have to tell her about me.”
“Not my story to tell, Alex.” I shake my head side to side. “Even with your permission I can’t do that.”
“I understand,” she says standing up and walking to the front door. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
I silently watch her leave and just as the door closed my text pings again and I pull my phone out of my pocket.
Walker: Erin is sleeping with Noe in the guest bedroom. Cock block.
Me: That’s my fucking sister, asshole!
Walker: I overheard their conversation. My advice…give her a few days and then strike. She's hurt and confused right now. Dude, you messed up but she's not done with you yet. Trust me, just give it a few days. If she didn't care she wouldn't be this upset.
As much as my brother in law’s aggressive tactics irritate me, he does know what he is talking about. To make my sister fall in love with him after her fuck up of an ex cheated on her, he has to know what he’s talking about.
I’ll give her a few days and then I’m going full force.
This must be what Trent felt like when he saw me kiss Jace. Like someone took a knife and cut a jagged circle into my chest, ripped my heart out, and stabbed it repeatedly until I couldn’t feel a damn thing anymore. Either that or the tequila Erin fed me through an IV is causing this paralyzing feeling.
“It was terrible,” I call out into their guest bedroom throwing my tingling hands around. “They were practically fucking, Erin!” I gasp. “Do you think he wore a condom with her? He didn’t with me!”
“Wow!” She half-heartedly giggles. “That’s just something his sister shouldn’t know.”
I’m astonished and turn my anger towards her. “You don’t want to know, Erin? I mean why not? You think you know everything anyways. You always are telling him where we are, what I’m doing. It’s not his business. Alex’s vagina is his business. Not my vagina, Alex’s! My pussy is all mine.”
“Noe.” Her “don’t poke the bear” tone comes out. Like she is trying to talk someone down off of a ledge.
“Don’t give me that ‘Noe’ shit, Erin.” I curl up on my side in the darkened room and face the large bay window looking out to the backyard. “You keep giving him inside information but never told me he why he took her back.”
“I don’t know why she is around, Noelle, but you have to know that I wasn’t telling him those things to hurt you. I just want you to be happy and I know that you two would make each other happy. He has loved you for so long and I can see how your whole mood shifts when he is around.”
I ignore her continuing my rant. “I know he is your brother, but Jesus Christ, I’m going fucking crazy here. I want him so bad and I can’t have him.”
The only sound in the room now is my rapidly beating heartbeat. I know Erin heard that because I’m pretty sure I said it out loud.
“Erin,” I speak into the dense air.
She strokes a piece of my hair behind my ear and with a smile evident in her tone she asks, “Yes?”
“I want him.” I proclaim and turn my face into the pillow and start to cry. “I need him.”
“I know. It’ll work out. I promise. You two are just too stubborn. When one of you caves, the other stands tall and vice versa. You are both going to have to take the blindfolds off at the same time and see what the hell is in front of you.”
A soft knock breaks up our little heart to heart as Walker steps in.
“Noe, someone is here to see you,” he says turning on the light momentarily blinding me.
“Tell him to go away.” I sob into my pillow. “I’m not ready to see him yet.”
“I’ll go talk to him again,” Erin sighs, pushing herself up to a sitting position.
“No, baby,” Walker tells her. “It’s not Tren
t. Noe, I think you should come downstairs.”
Frustrated, I grab my pillow and throw it to the floor and stand. The alcohol rushes to my head and I flop down onto the bed again. Determination takes over and I stand with power, finally gaining my balance.
Walker takes my arm as we descend the stairs slowly. His biceps are bulky but lean, if that even makes sense, and I squeeze to see how hard they are.
“I’m taken, sweetheart.” He jokes placing his other hand on mine.
“I could never want you. You’re too messy and a pain in my ass.” I drunkenly state earning myself a snort from him.
I stop halfway down the staircase and look to him. “Plus, I have enough trouble with two men, I don’t need a third, even if you do have a thunder tongue.”
He laughs again, and we finish the trek down. Turning the corner and down the hall, I find Alex standing in the living room. Her hands are folded in front of her, and her fingers are interlocked and fidgety. When she sees me her shoulders tense up. She looks like she lost five pounds since dinner tonight, and the bags under her eyes are prominent.
Stepping forward she reaches out to take my hand from Walker but my grip stays strong. “No. I want you to leave. Go back to Trent or are you leaving them again?”
She cringes, and I know I cut her deep. I don’t care.
“Noelle!” Erin chastises walking into the room behind us.
Alex shakes her head and takes a seat in the chair across from the couch. Never looking up she asks, “Can I have five minutes? If after five minutes you want me to leave then I will. I’ll never even look your way again but just give me a chance to talk to you.”
I let go of Walker’s arm and attempt to walk a straight line to the couch. Turning around I tell Erin and Walker it’s okay to leave, and I promise to be nice.
“You have three minutes starting now.” I cut her wanted time short.
She wastes the first thirty seconds looking around the room like the answer is there. It’s not. But when she does speak, the first words out of her mouth cause my stomach to drop.
“I have four months to live, if that.” Her head falls into her hands, and I’m immobile.
“What?” It’s all I can say. She’s dying? “What are you talking about?”
She stands up and places herself next to me on the couch. My buzz from the alcohol is gone since the bucket of ice cold water was dumped on me with this information.
“I don’t plan on going into very many details but after I left Trent and Jason I found out that I had breast cancer. It spread quickly and they did everything they could. It just can’t be fought anymore and I’m just too tired to fight it.”
“You have to!” I yell standing up. She can’t just give up, can she?
Her fingers find mine and pull me back down. “There is nothing they can do, Noelle, but I didn’t come here to make you feel bad. I came to explain.”
Oh, yea. She was straddling Trent the last time I saw her. With the bomb she just dropped I had forgotten all about that.
“It doesn’t matter what was going on with you and Trent,” I tell her. As much as that hurts to say I think I now understand why he hasn’t told me what’s going on.
“It matters. It matters to me because I don’t want to die knowing things aren’t how fate wants them to be. You two belong together. You have to see that!”
She grabs a tissue off the end table and blows her nose.
“I came back a few months ago. I was staying at my parent’s house and sneaking around to see Jason. I loved the one on one time I was getting with him. When Trent found out he lost it, took Jason and stormed out of the house. I don’t blame him. I left them and then I didn’t tell him I was back and seeing Jason. I had to make things right or he wouldn’t let me see my son again so I told him why I was back.
“I left them because I couldn’t take care of my baby. I didn’t expect anything from him but I was so grateful he decided to let me live with him and see my son with what precious few moments I have left. He’s been taking me to places I’ve wanted to go, things I want to do. Kind of like a bucket list.”
She stands up and walks to the window, arms crossed and gazing out into the night. I keep still on the couch as she begins to talk again. “I’ve lost myself, Noelle. I don’t feel like a woman anymore. I feel broken and beat up and I wanted to feel alive for one more moment.”
Turning from the window she finds my eyes, filled to the brim with tears. I’ve thought about death and dying and I never want to know when it’s coming. To live your life scared for those few months you have left would be terrifying to me.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” I say, but it feels like it’s not enough. Nothing could be enough.
I hated this woman and now I want to give her whatever she needs.
Then it hits me.
“Trent.” It’s one word but she nods and I now fully understand his motives.
Why she lives with him. Why he is always with her. Why he can be doing all that and not be with her.
“I wanted to feel invincible again and though I know he loves you I still made a move on him, using my mortality as an excuse. He pushed me off, I don’t know if you saw that but he did. He’s been keeping my secret, taking me where I want to go, giving me everything that I need but because he loves you so much he won’t dare touch me. Understand, Noelle, that his love is intoxicating. I should know. I had his love for years before I threw it away like it meant nothing. I now know it meant everything.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do, Alex.” I stand up, bringing her into a hug, something I never saw myself doing.
“Love my men, Noelle.” She cries into my ear as she wraps her arms around me. “Love Trent and love Jason and love them fiercely because I do. And forgive Trent for using me as a crutch not to go after you because that is exactly what he is doing.” She pushes me back to look at me. “He’s holding back because he wants to focus on me and that’s not fair to either one of you. Nothing would make me happier than to make sure they are getting the happiness they deserve. You’re holding back too. I can see it in your eyes you love him. You need to stop fighting what you feel and stop holding onto what you believe is easy. Love is hard, but so worth it.”
An hour later Erin waits patiently in the car as I find myself standing in front of Jace’s door. We haven’t seen much of each other and things since the bar have been very tense but now it’s time to release all that. We’re grown adults.
I hold my finger up to Erin to signal that I want her to wait for me, and I see Trent’s living room light still on. I want to rush over there, but I have to take care of this first.
Even though it’s close to midnight I ring the doorbell. Within a minute, Jace is standing in the doorway in nothing but boxers.
Holy hell!
Focus Noe.
Though I see the shock of my presence he still half-heartedly smiles. “Hey, Noe.” His hand reaches out to pull me to him but I tug to show I’m not staying.
“Jace, I’m sorry,” I start to say and his cheerful expression drops. “I can’t let this go on any longer.”
He leans into the doorframe, his muscles flexing with every move. He crosses one foot over the other daring me to continue. He doesn’t look mad, though, but maybe like he’s been expecting it. After the tumultuous weeks we’ve had since the bar, I don’t think he should be surprised.
“I think you’re an amazing guy,” I keep going, “but I think I need to go where my heart is telling me to go.”
His eyes flash across the street and then back to me. “Well, I can’t say I’m happy or surprised. I just hate that you used me to figure out if you wanted him or not.”
“It wasn’t like that.” I defend.
“It wasn’t?”
“No! I truly thought I wanted a relationship with you it’s just that I was wrong. It felt wrong, didn’t it?”
He steps down and inches closer to me. “It did, I guess.” He agrees kissing me on the forehead
. “There is no use trying to make something work that just won’t.”
Wrapping my arms around his torso I squeeze tight. “We can be friends, right?”
His body shakes with laughter releasing me. “I highly doubt that will fly with him. We’ll just have to see what happens.”
I scrunch my eyebrows in defiance. “He has no say and I don’t even know if we’re ever going to be a couple.”
He laughs again. “Make sure you invite me to your and his wedding and good luck,” he says pointing across the street. “You let me know if he doesn’t treat you right. I’ll take care of him for you.”
When I turn around I find Trent standing on the porch looking this way. I pull Jace into a hug and kiss him on the cheek. I turn around and the door behind me closes. I take a deep breath as I head across the street. I pass Erin’s car and even in the darkness I see her toothy grin. I continue up his driveway, and he makes no move to meet me halfway so I look down at the ground as I approach.
“So, you run to Jace without letting me explain?” His arms are crossed over his chest and his anger is creating a vein to pop out of his neck.
I look back to make sure Erin is still waiting for me. I wouldn’t put it past her to ditch me now that I am in the hands of her brother.
“Answer me…” he starts bringing my attention back to him.
“She told me, Trent,” I interrupt.
“What did Erin tell you now?”
His fists are clenched as he drops them and his knuckles turn white. I step closer and slide my thumbs between his tightly held grip. He loosens up and the scowl on his face slowly dissipates with my touch.
“Not Erin,” I explain. “Alex.”
His body stills and he twists his wrists to he can cover my hands with his. One by one his fingers slip between mine and I lose my breath.
“I wanted to tell you, Noelle. I just couldn’t and I’m sorry.”
Drawing our connected hands behind my back bringing us even closer, I bring my body against his. It’s electric, and I can still remember the last time I initiated physical contact with him. It’s freeing but won’t go past this porch. Not tonight.