Heyden looked at me.
"Go on," I said. "I'd better get home anyway."
"Where'd you get that guitar? You take it from your precious school?" Elisha asked.
"Where I got it is none of your business, Elisha, but you touch it, even look at it too long, and I'll--"
"Kill me? Get in the back of the line," she muttered and then glared at me, but with more of a plea for help, a look of desperation than empty anger.
She turned and walked back into the house.
'Don't be too hard on her, Heyden. I'm sure she's very frightened."
"As frightened as a shark." he said. "Don't worry, Dr. Hannah. I'll be a good big brother."
I laughed. "Call me later if you can." I told him.
"Okay," he said, leaned over to kiss me on the lips, and then smiled and stepped out of the car. "Drive carefully... partner," he said.
I smiled back at him and started away. In my rearview mirror I saw him holding on to his guitar tightly, embracing it lovingly and protectively before walking into his home the way someone would embrace and protect a little loved one in a hurricane.
Back at my home, Miguel came bouncing down the stairs the moment I opened the front door and stepped inside. He paused near the bottom step.
"Where have you been, young lady?" he demanded. It wasn't often that Miguel was angry at me, but I knew whenever he referred to me as young lady, he was about to reprimand me far something.
"I had to help my friend Heyden get his new guitar," I told him.
'Do you realize your mother has been home for hours and has been lying there thinking all sorts of terrible things? Don't you ever turn that cell phone on. Hannah? Why did I buy it for you if you're going to let the battery die down or forget to turn it on? How can you be so self-centered at a time like this? Don't you realize how traumatic it is for a woman to Give birth and then have to leave her newborn infant back in the hospital? I had a lot more respect for your intelligence until today, Hannah."
"I told you!" I cried back at him, the tears streaking down my cheeks. "I had to help Heyden. It was very important. He needed me."
"Your mother needed you, too. and I would think she would have some priority over someone you just met. Hannah."
"She doesn't need me. She has you: she has little Claude," I shot back.
"What kind of a dumb thing to say is that?"
"Maybe I'm just stupid!" I screamed and shot past him. pounding my way up the stairs and to my room. I slammed the door shut behind me and threw myself on the bed.
Moments later Mommy, dressed in her robe, came to my door, knocked softly, and entered.
"What's going on. Hannah?" she asked.
I turned and looked up at her. She looked drawn, tired, even a bit pale. I had a terrific surge of guilt rush through me and just started to cry, bawl like a girl half my age,
"Oh. Hannah, what's wrong?" she asked coming to me. "I'm sorry, Mommy. I just lost track of the time."
"That's all right." she said, sitting on my bed. "but tell me what you're doing? Why did you lose track of time?"
"Heyden didn't come to school today," I began. "Heyden? Oh, yes, your new friend. And?"
"So I went to see what was wrong and learned his father has deserted his mother, sister, and him. He ran off with someone from his band, and it had happened weeks ago, but Heyden's mother never said anything until last night."
Mommy nodded. She didn't look impressed with my story. and I imagined that over the years she had heard many similar tales of woe.
"What does his mother do?"
"She's a chambermaid at the Breakers." "I see," she said. "How old is Heyden's sister?" "Fourteen. I think."
"And Heyden?"
"Seventeen. I think."
"Well, his mother should have his father pursued far child support at minimum," she said.
"She can do that?"
"Of course she can."
"Will you tell me how so I can tell Heyden and he can tell his mother? They don't have much money," I added quickly, "and Heyden thinks he has to drop out of school to get more work."
Mommy sighed, "It's like an epidemic," she muttered to herself. "I'll tell you, Hannah, but you're getting yourself in too deeply with someone else's problems. These are not simple problems. They don't get solved over a weekend and then everyone forgets them. I'm sure Heyden's mother has her hands full with his sister. too. Was she close to her father? Is she heartbroken about the breakup?"
"I think she is, but she likes to appear tough and unaffected."
"Classic," Mommy said. 'Oh, sweetheart, you're too young to get yourself so involved in these sorts of matters. Can't you take a few steps back?"
"You wouldn't," I said with accusatory eyes.
"Yes. I would," she replied firmly. "Especially after la-Lowing what I know now, living what I lived through. What good is all that if I don't pass on my experience to you and you don't take heed, Hannah?
"You're too young yet, too vulnerable yourself," she insisted,
"I am not. Stop telling me I'm too young for everything. I'm nearly seventeen years old."
"I just don't want you to be hurt. Hannah. Please. I'll give you information to pass on to your friend, but promise me you won't get too involved."
I was silent.
"I'm going to need you now, especially with little Claude coming home soon. He's very fragile. We're going to have to pass through a difficult time. I'm going to depend on your support," she said.
I looked at her. For almost all of my life, my mother was a rod of steel in my home. She had learned from her troubled past, and she had become an impressive guide, leading other people through the dark corridors of their own fears and troubles successfully. That took strength and self-confidence. I depended on that, on her far more than I depended on anyone else. Maybe this was the reason I was so ambivalent about my new brother. I was afraid she would give him everything and there would be little or nothing left for me.
For the first time I heard a note of fear in her voice, saw a wobble in that rod of steel. Would she really need me as much as she was claiming?
''I made promises and I like Heyden. I can't just turn my back on him. Mommy."
"You don't have to do that. Hannah, but you do have to be careful and use good judgment. Most important, you have to realize you are limited and can do only so much. People get themselves in trouble when they take on more than they can handle. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can rescue him, his mother, and his sister completely? Okay?" she asked.
I nodded.
But why did I feel even this concession was my abandoning Leyden just when I had filled his heart with so much promise and hope?
"Good," she said and leaned over to kiss me. "Are you still going out for dinner?"
"No."
"Then see to it Miguel eats, will you? He's been hovering about me like a worrywart ever since I came home from the hospital."
"Okay," I promised. She smiled again and stroked my hair. "Your birthday is a month and a half away." she said. "We'll have to do something very special. Seventeen. It all seems to have one by so quickly. Don't be in a mad rush to grow up." she advised, "After you do, you spend lots of time wondering why you were in such a hurry."
She rose slowly, acting as though it took some effort to stand and shuffle her way out of my room.
"Are you all right. Mommy?"
"Yes," she said. smiling. "Just tired. It's to be expected. I'll be fine. We'll all be fine." she said.
But it didn't come out like one of her firm pronouncements that carried such muscle you couldn't help but believe. It came out more like a small prayer.
I whispered it myself when she closed the door behind her and left me in my childhood sanctuary, surrounded by my dolls, my beautiful pink world of dreams and fantasies where people were always forgiven for their little failures and where tomorrow always began with a breakfast full of new promises.
5
A Sudden Syndrome
Mommy had already eaten her dinner in her
room. so Miguel and I had dinner together. I could see he was sorry for yelling at me earlier. He confessed to being more high strung and neryous than he had ever been. and he admitted it was all because of his concern for little Claude.
"I thought you said he was doing fine and would be coming home sooner than you thought."
"We're not really out of the woods yet. Hannah." he revealed. "Your mother won't let me pretend we are. I just don't want her blaming herself for waiting too long before deciding to have another child. I was part of that decision. too."
"Why did you wait so long then. Miguel?" I asked. I never believed Mommy's career was a good enough excuse for putting off another child. She would manage it now, wouldn't she?
Why couldn't she manage it ten years ago?
"As you know. she took longer to complete her education. She never liked leaving you even with your nanny for such long periods. Afterward. I wanted your mother to get her sea legs, so to speak, to develop her career and feel strongly enough about herself. It's really impossible for you and for me to truly appreciate how difficult her early life was living as a stepchild in a home where she really had only the nanny to think of as family, and then to come into all these problems here. When you consider all that, you realize how remarkable a woman she is, what a remarkable woman she has become," he said.
Of course. I had no doubt about that. nor did I ever doubt that I had a wonderful mother. I think what made me distrust and wander about my father the most. in fact. was that he could ever have done anything that would result in his losing her. Danielle was sweet, but she was like a bump in the road compared to a mountain when it came to putting her up against my mother.
"Some men don't want women who challenge them or compete with them." Mommy once explained when she was talking about my father and Danielle. "They don't want a woman who can see their flaws and failures. That puts too much weight on their egos. I'm sure your father is very happy with Danielle. I was tight shoes. Danielle is comfy soft slippers."
"Then why did he want to marry you in the first place?" I asked.
"Probably that same ego at work. He thought he might be able to turn me into another trinket." She squinted and smiled. "I was more like a pin poking his balloon of hot, selfish air.
'But," she added, "he's capable of giving you as much love as he is capable of giving anyone, so don't let me tout you off him.
You develop your own relationship with him and trust your own instincts. Hannah," she advised, putting on her psychologist's face.
Does anyone live in aworld that is
uncomplicated and simple? I wondered, Psychologists and counselors were as much a necessity in this world as medical doctors. No wonder Mommy was always busy.
After Miguel and I had dinner. I went up to see her, but she was dozing off already so I went to my room and completed my homework. I was about to go to sleep when my phone rang. It was Heyden.
"I just had a conversation with my father," he began. "Really? Where?"
"He called me to explain himself. I don't know why he waited so long. He said he was traveling and wanted to get settled in somewhere first. He and his quintet have a gig that will last six months in New Orleans."
"What did he say?"
He tried to explain himself, of course. He moaned and groaned about my mother, how hard it has been for him to live with her because she is so oblivious. He knows he has neglected Elisha and me, and he made promises that he would try to get to see us more. Promises like checks written on water. Anyway, he swore that he was sending money. He said he was particularly concerned that I would drop out of school. He thinks I have talent."
"He's right about that."
"In the end I couldn't get myself to hate him. I was angry. but I just couldn't tell him to go to hell, if you know what I mean. In fact. I'm calling you because I figured you were someone who would know exactly what I mean. You still get along with your father, don't you?"
"In a vague sort of way, yes. I'm not in love with my half brothers, and my father's family has nothing whatsoever to do with me."
"Still, you manage to hold on to something. I'll see if that will be true for me as well. We'll see." he added. "Anyway, I'll be in school tomorrow."
"Good."
"Thanks for what you did today. Hannah. I won't let you down. We'll make beautiful music together."
"Okay," I said.
"Good night." he said in a soft, small voice,
"Good night."
When I lowered my head to my pillow, I couldn't help but think about Mommy's warnings and concerns. But Heyden's face, his eyes, his kisses and touch rode like a wave over the memory of her voice and her warnings.
She just doesn't understand; I thought. She doesn't understand, or she wouldn't be as worried as she is. In time she will see, especially the first time she hears us singing. together. Those thoughts were so soothing and wonderful. I had no trouble falling asleep.
I couldn't wait to get up and ready for school the next morning. Mommy let me take her car again. Miguel was going to drive her to and from the hospital for the next day or so. I knew he wanted to be with her every possible second, and especially when she was with little Claude. He had rearranged his schedule to make it all possible.
When I arrived at school. Heyden was there to greet me. He was very excited.
"I was up late thinking of songs we could do together. Not all mine, of course, but there are a number of great tunes that I'm sure we would sound great doing. Hannah. Here's a partial list," he said, offering it to me, "Can you find time after school today? There's no problem practicing at my house. My mother is at work. and Elisha hangs out with her girlfriends most afternoons."
"For a while, I guess." I said. As soon as things settle down with my new brother. I'll have you over to Joya del Mar." I told him.
He smiled, but his eyes were full of doubt. "Yeah, right." he said.
If my girlfriends were talking about me before, they were absolute chatterboxes after they saw how intimately Heyden and I were in the school corridor. He kissed me before hurrying off to his first class. Like a fuse lit with gossip, the subject of my relationship with Heyden singed its way down the halls,
through the classrooms, and finally exploded in the cafeteria. The chattering sounded more like tiny firecrackers. We ignored the eyes that followed us to our table and continued to talk about our singing together.
That afternoon and the following three. Heyden and I worked on our music together at his home. Most of the time I stayed for two hours, Occasionally I would sense his eyes on me and not the music and words of our songs, and when I turned to him, the look in his face stole my breath away,
"What?" I asked. stopping.
He put the guitar down slowly and closed his eyes. Seemingly holding his breath for a moment.
"Every once in a while." he said. "I have to reassure myself that this is really happening, that it's not some fantasy of mine.
"I confess I felt that way before I got up the nerve to approach you," he continued. "I had been watching and dreaming about you. Hannah."
His wards and his expression made me blush.
"Well, if we're into confessions. I have to say I stole a glance or two at you as Heyden Reynolds."
'Did you? Must have been when I felt the warmest in that place. Okay, here's a second confession." he announced,
"I feel like a Catholic priest." I said, and he laughed. Then he grew serious again,
"'When I first proposed we sing together. I did it more out of a desire to be with you, to have you next to me, than out of my love of music."
"Why, Heyden Reynolds." I declared with my hands on my hips in mock indignation, "I thought you said I had the best voice in the school."
"You do. but..." I laughed at him and he pushed me playfully onto his bed. I braced myself back on my hands and looked up at him.
'Hannah," he said, as if he co
uld express all he felt just by saying my name.
He approached me and leaned over to kiss me. After he did, he started to undo the buttons of my bodice. I continued to lean back on my hands, looking down at his fingers as they undid my dress and gently brought it out to my shoulders. He slipped his hands in and around my back and kissed me again. I didn't move, and he unfastened my bra and kissed my stiffened nipples and nudged my breasts gently with his face, moaning softly with pleasure.
Feeling a wonderful weakness take over my body. I let myself fall back on the bed. I didn't open my eyes until he had taken off my clothes and then his own. My heart pounded harder and faster at the sounds of his shirt and pants being tossed to the side. I heard him rip the envelope of his protection, and then I opened my eyes and looked into his.
"Just tell me to stop. Hannah. and I will." he said.
I closed my eyes.
Mommy had told me to go with my instincts, and there were no sounds of warning, no cries of regret coming from that place in my heart. There is no more intimate act, no closer or stronger way to make you part of someone else, I thought, and that was what I wanted. Whatever mystical and magical energy had brought us together now wrapped itself around us, tying us to each other. Few things you do, few things that happen to you, or things you see remain with you as does the first time you make love. That memory is there until you take your final breath and can be resurrected with little effort. I had seen that in Mommy's face. in Mommy's quiet moments fall of special remembrances.
This day will live forever in me, I told myself. It will Never die.
I felt him there, gently prodding, coming to me in small sweet endearments of love, holding me as he would a delicate piece of china, waiting for my anxiety to pass, my pain to dissolve into passion. I held on to him like someone afraid of drowning or disappearing might, and together we redefined who we were forever and ever.
Once you have done it, does your face really change? Do you walk and talk differently, have a look in your eyes that tells people you have crossed into a more sophisticated, mature, and knowing place? I wondered. Would Mommy take one glance at me and immediately know?
Afterward, the next day in fact, small
intimacies grew between Heyden and me. In school Heyden and I seemed always to find each other's hand when we were walking together. We brushed against each other whenever we talked and brought our faces closer. I grew accustomed to his breath caressing my neck, his lips grazing my ear. My girlfriends suspected we were intimate immediately anyway. so I couldn't judge how I appeared to others on the basis of how I appeared to them. but I imagine most thought we were truly lovers. Their smiles and giggles bounced around me like silly bubbles I could swipe away with a reprimanding glance.
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