Unsuitable

by Ainslie Paton

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. We’ve had a good time and maybe we can fix it. But if we can’t then it’ll be because she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her.”

  Audrey drew her knees up under her and turned into Reece. She put both hands to his face, moved her thumb on his cheek and felt the bristles there. “You do know you’re superb. Mia loves you. I can’t do without you. We’ve both fallen in love with you.” She searched his eyes for defeat but didn’t find it. She wanted to crawl into his lap. “Everything about you.”

  He looked shocked and she moved her hands away. She was so tired and he was so much, too much, but she had to make him understand. “You know what I mean. You’ve made my life easy, the perfect employee.”

  He squeezed her hands back. “Right, yeah.” He pulled away. “I knew that’s what you meant. I should go. You need to sleep.” He stood. He was telling her this was over. “Promise me you’ll talk to Merrill and Joe about taking Mia the weekend.”

  She stood with him. Watched him yawn and stretch, arms out wide, his huge chest lifting with the arch of his spine. Would it be terribly wrong to hug him? She could simply walk into his open arms and wrap herself around him. “I will.”

  He collected his shoes, his bag, his beach towel and car keys and she walked him to the door. She held it open for him, shivering in a blast of cooler air coming from outside.

  He stood in the threshold and hesitated. “Sleep well. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  He looked at her as if he might want to touch her. He lifted his hand and she tensed. “Thank you for staying with Mia, and for the neck rub.”

  He adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and gave her a nod. She watched him go, weaving on her feet, slightly sick to the stomach from tiredness and the weight of the knowledge of how badly she’d wanted to kiss him, and the appalling notion he wanted to kiss her too.

  11: Moody Blues

  Junna handed Reece a takeaway coffee and he could’ve kissed her. She glanced towards Mia, digging with her spade in the sand with Toby, the boy she nannied. “Did Mia muck up? You look like you had a hard night.”

  He took the lid off the cup so he could get the smell as well as the taste of the coffee. “Audrey had a very late night at work. I didn’t get much sleep.”

  He’d crept in, trying not to wake Sky, but that crapped up. She’d grumbled at him about being taken advantage of and he’d stared at the ceiling for an age and woken with a headache, after what felt like five minutes sleep, too tired for his usual run.

  “Audrey works too hard,” said Carrie, taking a seat beside him on big rug they had laid out on the sand under the shade tent. Her daughter, Eugenia, was jumping waves at the shore with Hailey and Tatum. It was hot and he was sweating and he’d have given anything to take his shirt off and catch some rays, but he didn’t fancy the stir that’d cause. He’d have given more to crash out and catch another hour or two of sleep. None of the others would mind watching Mia. He might be less grumpy if he could shut his eyes for a bit.

  Carrie, rubbed lotion on her arm. “She’s trying to beat the men at their own game. But you can’t have everything.”

  He resented that on Audrey’s behalf. On Charlie’s. On his own. “Why shouldn’t she have the same career a man does?” He clocked Carrie a look. “Am I the only feminist here?”

  Junna laughed. “Got nothing to do with feminism. Audrey’d have to be Superwoman.”

  “Well, she has a sidekick.” Carrie nudged him with her elbow. “And Reece more useful than Graham.” She adjusted the brim of her hat. “So she can try.”

  He shifted on the rug to put a little more distance between him and Carrie. Junna put Toby’s hat back on. He took it off with a sly look, hoping she wouldn’t notice. She put it on again. “Leave it on, you’ll get sunburnt.”

  Toby said, “I’m telling Mum you were mean to me.” He flicked sand at Junna with the tip of his spade.

  Junna folded her arms and glared at him. “See where it gets you, bruiser.”

  “Reece is mean to me all the time.” Mia giggled. “Morning, doona, night.”

  There was laughter. A month or so ago maybe there would’ve been an awkward silence, a sly call to Audrey to check in. Now there wasn’t an adult here who didn’t know this was your average lying three year old in action.

  “Noon.”

  A comedian on a good thing, Mia looked him in the eye and repeated, “Morning, doona, night,” then beamed at them all from under her hat. She was slathered in sunblock and wore her fairy dress over a sunsuit. There wasn’t much life left in that fairy dress and that was going to be a problem.

  Junna reached down and gave the brim of Mia’s hat a tug. “My kid’s a bad influence on yours.”

  The hole Toby and Mia had made was big enough for one of them to get into now, but not big enough to contain all the annoyance Reece felt building in his chest, despite the comic interruption.

  “Thought Audrey was insane when she hired you,” said Carrie. “Asking for trouble.” Reece took a breath, took a large swallow of the cooled coffee and tried not to react. “I have a friend who is a cop, works child protection. She sees all the nastiest stuff. She thought Audrey was crazy too.”

  “Fu—” He had to bite back the swear word and pitch his voice low. “Far out.” This was worse than incompetent, out of place. “You thought I was some child molesting paedophile. You thought Audrey would do that.” He put a hand down to lever himself off the sand. This was it for playgroup. He’d stuck with it because Mia loved it, because he’d gotten used to it too, because Audrey didn’t insist, but he knew she thought it was good for Mia, but he was done being their poster boy for different.

  Carrie put her hand on his shoulder. “I was worried. I’m not now. I had it wrong. I’m trying to apologise, Reece.”

  He sipped his coffee and didn’t respond, but he didn’t leave the blanket either. Toby got in the hole and pushed at the sand with his legs to make more space.

  “I also tried to hit on you and I shouldn’t have done that either.”

  Junna adjusted the brim of her own hat. “I’d have hit on you too, but Carrie has game.”

  “And you’re right, Audrey is entitled to have what the men get at work. That’s all I was trying to do. I know my husband has affairs.” She shrugged. “What’s good for the goose. But you’re not my gander, Reece, and I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. Story of my life. Women generally hate me and I make nice men anxious because I like sex and I don’t think it all has to happen inside a marriage.”

  Reece looked at Carrie though the tinted lenses of his sunnies. She was a sexy woman, slim, blonde, botoxed. Older than Audrey. The tits weren’t real, but they were impressive. “You have an open marriage?”

  She laughed. “Open to interpretation. Graham is much older than me, but he dallies with his assistants. He was single a long time before we married and that’s what he always did. I knew he wouldn’t change. I have a great life. I waited a long time to find it. I have everything I could want and he loves me. We work. I forgive his trespasses and he doesn’t need to know about mine.”

  “Let’s hear it for double standard.” Junna laughed.

  “Not really. He knows I’m not entirely faithful. He doesn’t want the details and neither do I. You’re wrong if you think it’s unusual.”

  “Go faster, Mia,” said Toby.

  “I’m almost sure Tim Sinclair had an affair. I think it’s why the move to London is on.” Junna shook herself. “I couldn’t do it. I want the one.” She flicked sand at Reece. “Is Sky your one?”

  Mia was burying Toby now, like Reece wanted to bury the conversation. “I’m going to find out where the others are, what’s taking so long with lunch.”

  “Chicken.” Junna mouthed the shit on the end.

  Mia looked up. “Can I have a chicken sandwich?”

  “Can I have a chickenshit sandwich,” said Toby.

  Junna clasped her hands over her
mouth and mumbled to herself. Mia looked at Toby confused, looked at Reece. He hoped she didn’t add that word to her fast growing vocab.

  “Maria and Janine are bringing lunch.” He scooted forward and made a sand pillow for Toby’s head to rest on. “Arms in or out?” Toby put his arms by his side. “You won’t be able to scratch your nose. If a fly lands on you, you won’t be able to wave it away.” Toby might as well learn about not getting everything he wanted, when he wanted it, right now.

  Toby reached up and pulled sand in on himself. “I don’t care.”

  Reece wished he didn’t. Not caring would be easier. Had to be the lack of sleep, no exercise, the sun making him crabby. Or it was the assumption that he’d cheat on Sky with Carrie, that he was letting Audrey use him, that Audrey was somehow wrong for thinking she could be a single mum and have a family and a career. That he was suspect for wanting to be a nanny. That he would always have to prove he wasn’t. That equality was a joke, and there were still different rules for men and women.

  Mia buried Toby shovelful, by shovelful. The boy wiggled, impatient to be entombed.

  He thought about the way Audrey relaxed into his body when he massaged her neck. And when she’d put her hands on his face, he’d had to think about dirty nappies and cleaning up vomit to stop himself from folding her into his arms. She worked so hard, she looked so worn and in need of comfort and he could do that for her. He wanted to do that for her.

  Something passed between them last night and he didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe it was that they were both half asleep. Maybe that’s all it was, a moment out of place. Still, he hadn’t wanted to leave her, and though he felt bad about upsetting Sky, he couldn’t sort out the reason. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Certainly not by Carrie’s standards.

  Mia had buried Toby to his waist, his hands locked under the sand. “I’m going to need to vacuum the car again,” said Junna.

  Reece sat back on his heels. Any minute now Toby would discover he was good and stuck and want to get out. Crossing over with Audrey this morning had been a blur. She wouldn’t make eye contact. Mia was having a fit about a tear in her fairy dress. She wanted it sewn up. Audrey was paler than ever. They’d passed in the hallway with hardly a word, except her promise not to be late while Mia stomped about crying. He’d glued the dress, his big fingers no good with fine needles and made Mia laugh by pretending to stick his fingers together. He wished he’d been able to make her mother laugh too.

  “Tantrum in five, four, three,” said Junna, and Toby erupted, tossing his head, launching a storm of wriggling to shift the sand. He was locked in torso deep and screamed at the injustice of it. Mia moved away, eyeing him with suspicion. The guys at the shore turned to see who was being killed

  Reece stood, grabbed Toby under the arms and hauled him out of his sand grave, putting him on his feet well away from the hole where he stood panting, hatless, a tear streaked face.

  Toby looked at Mia. “Do it again.”

  They were saved that treat by lunch arriving and while the kids were still eating, sucking on juice bottles, and kicking sand at each other, Reece excused himself to go for a run. If he couldn’t sleep, moving might help nix his mood. He took his shirt off and no one even glanced at him. He was such a dickhead for thinking they’d make a thing of it.

  He went down to the hard packed sand at the shoreline. He’d do two or three quick laps and then they’d move to the playground before going off in their separate directions for another week. He got half a lap done before he heard someone coming up behind him. The feet drew closer and Carrie came up beside him. They ran a lap together, not talking. She was fit, had no trouble keeping up with him.

  When they stopped at the end closest to where the others were, she said, “I’m not sorry.”

  He looked back towards the group. “About what?”

  “About wanting to sleep with you.”

  He was glad for his sunnies. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You know I live with Sky.”

  “I know you’re not married to her. I know you’re young and gorgeous and life is short. I know you’re a great nanny and I’m sorry I doubted you.”

  “As soon as people get that I’m the nanny not the dad, they doubt me. It’s all over their faces.”

  “I know and I’m sorry about that too. People are shit.” She put her hand on his arm and he realised how close they were standing.

  “Audrey said you’d try to seduce me.”

  Carrie laughed. “She rang and told me to lay off, but I think you can make your own decisions.”

  He looked down at his feet, buried in the wet sand. He could do this. Hero points with Polly. Sky wouldn’t have to know. No one had to know. Last night he’d wanted to kiss Audrey, pick her up and take her to bed, spoon around her as she slept. He couldn’t have thoughts like that and be faithful to Sky. Or keep his job. He could exhaust them on Carrie’s body instead. It was a reasonable solution to keep everything else in balance.

  He shook his head. This used to be easier. Before Sky he wasn’t that scrupulous. Before Audrey he wasn’t restless.

  Carrie stepped closer. She kissed his shoulder. “You know where to find me.”

  She ran back the way they’d come and he followed, her open invitation tucked in his conscience where it irritated. He was a prick to even think about other women when he had Sky. He needed to get his head on straight and sort it out with her. She was the best thing that had happened to him. He loved her and they could make it work.

  He got back in time to help the group pack up. He carried the tent and two scooters, plus the rest of Mia’s gear. On the walkway, the scooters were claimed, helmets were clipped on. They made their way to the park, letting the kids ride, race each other, double back, laughing. Mia fell off, went down on her bum and got back up again without a pause. More of her skirt was torn. He’d need to get the glue out again. Eugenia ran into a light pole and knocked her helmet off. It was nothing out of the ordinary until Toby face planted the concrete. A clipped wheel, a divot in the concrete, something made him tip forward. He wasn’t screaming but Junna, who was on him in a heartbeat, was. There was a lot of blood, on Toby, on her.

  “Hailey, get my stuff. I need a towel. Carrie is there any ice left? Toby, Toby, you’re all right. Someone bring my car.”

  Reece dropped his armloads and went to Junna. She rocked Toby in her arms. He’d either bitten his tongue or put a tooth through his lip. He was holding his breath in shock, going blue. Reece shouted at him and he burst into tears, dragging in big gulps of breath though his bloody mouth. Mia held onto his leg, hands dragging on his boardies.

  Carrie pushed car keys into his hand. “We’ll follow you to Prince of Wales.”

  He detached Mia, bent and scooped Toby into his arms. Mia was wailing. “Mia, stay with Carrie and Eugenia. Let me help Toby, okay.” It had to be. He got Toby to Junna’s car, but she was too shaky to drive. Fifteen minutes later he pulled up at casualty, double parked and carried Toby inside. They saw him straight away. He’d put his tooth through his lip and he needed a couple of stitches.

  Carrie brought Mia in and they waited with Junna till Toby’s parents arrived. He was worried more for Junna than Toby now. It could’ve been any of the kids. He sent Audrey a message to tell her where they were and what happened. He didn’t hear back from her.

  By the time he collected his car and got home, Mia was ratty and crabby. She’d found the new tear in her dress and worried it bigger. He fed her. He got her cleaned up and changed. She fought him on that. She wouldn’t talk to him. She wouldn’t let him brush her hair and it was full of sand. She burst into tears the moment Audrey walked in. He hadn’t had a chance to make something for Audrey’s dinner. He hadn’t chilled the wine. The fairy dress was unsalvageable. He still had a headache.

  “You had quite a day. How’s Toby?”

  “Four stitches.” Reece put his hand to his lip to indicate where Toby had broken the skin. “Two teeth knocked out.
He’s very bruised as well.”

  Audrey hugged Mia. “Awful accident. But you’re all right, Mia. You’re not hurt.”

  “Reece is m...m...mean to me,” she sobbed. “I don’t l..l..like him anymore. I w...w...want Cameron.”

  Audrey picked Mia up and let her sob. He was making things worse by being there. He went home feeling defeated. He was earlier than normal and that made Sky happy, but he wasn’t in the mood to take advantage of that. This time he was spoiling for a fight. He told her about the day, about Toby. He left out the part about Carrie kissing him, leaving doors, half imagined thoughts open for him.

  Sky half listened. She cooked a Thai beef curry and downloaded a movie to watch without asking him what he’d like to see. They ate without talking. He called home and spoke to Flip. She was having a sleepover party with friends from school. They were staying up all night. She was busy and didn’t want to talk. Charlie was in the background trying to convince him into dropping around. He sent Junna a text. She still had a job. He took two more headache tablets and had a long shower. Toby’s blood was never coming out of his shirt.

  Toby’s parents had looked at Junna as if it was her fault, as if she’d put Toby in the jaws of a lion, the path of a speeding car. Audrey looked at him tonight as if things had changed, as if she was sorry. For Toby, for Mia being upset? For how they’d been with each other last night? She didn’t stop him leaving. He should apologise for offending her, except he didn’t mean it. Wasn’t sure she was offended. Wasn’t sure of anything.

  “You’re brooding, babe. Snap out of it.”

  He grunted. The headache was lifting, the mood wasn’t. “I’m not fit to associate with tonight. I should just go to bed.” That had to be it. He didn’t do well on less than four hours sleep.

  “Is this going to happen again?”