by C. J. Anaya
By the gods, it wasn’t as if he was actually present, but just the mere thought of Musubi brought heat to my cheeks. I found myself wanting to know more about the enigmatic stranger and to understand the affect he had on me. But when would I ever see him again? The thought saddened me more than I cared to admit.
My attention was brought back to the present as Aiko unintentionally jerked my hair while running more wax through a section of hair toward my crown. She then threaded my hair through a large, gold lacquered kushi, laying it to rest along the crown of my head.
The comb had been a gift from my mother on my fifteenth birthday, and it might have meant something to me if gifting it to her only daughter had actually meant something to her. It was half-moon shaped, and the handle was flat, bearing intricate mother-of-pearl detailing, inlaid in a floral pattern.
Two other smaller combs with the same detailed designs were placed along the sides of my head. Aiko took the lower layers, twisting the tied hair into an elaborate chignon and holding everything in place with gold lacquered kojai, inlaid with the same mother-of-pearl design as the combs.
The process took an agonizing four hours to perform, and by the end of it my legs and hands itched to be doing something other than wasting so much time with something as silly as my own hair.
When Aiko had finished, she handed me a hand mirror made from jade and allowed me a peek. I may have felt ridiculous, but I knew I didn’t look ridiculous. Beautiful gold ribbons, layered with mother-of-pearl designs complemented the combs and hairsticks. It was truly magnificent…and magnificently heavy.
I was then prodded, poked, and squeezed into the most stunning silk furisode. The base cover was a silky, dark blue with a white flowing pattern that adorned the long flowing sleeves, hem, and neckline. In short, I appeared to be the epitome of what every Japanese princess should look like.
Aiko continued fussing with my hair and clothing long after she had finished. “Are you not excited to dine with your betrothed, Princess?”
We hadn’t spoken much during our preparations, so I was surprised by her question.
“Of course I am, Aiko. Why would you ask such a thing?”
“You simply do not behave like a young girl waiting to meet the man she will soon marry. You aren’t frightened, are you?”
I mentally berated myself for letting my calm façade slip.
“I’m not frightened in the least. What an absurd notion. I’m sure Katsu is a very fair and honorable man.”
“Yes, he will be a kind master, I am certain.” Aiko hesitated for a second and then spoke again. “However, if for some reason he is not, I hope you would come to me when your nightmares start again.” She rested her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently.
It was the kind of gentle, comforting contact I craved. I had to swallow hard several times before the lump in my throat disappeared and I was able to speak again.
“Thank you, Aiko. I’m sure it will all work out just fine.”
My maid nodded and continued the last finishing touches on my hair. Aiko did her best to take on my personal demons as if they were her own. She had no power to shield me from my parents, and it hadn’t taken long before the nightmares set in. I always had terrible dreams after any punishments I received at the hand of my father. Aiko would rock me to sleep whenever they came. In the beginning I would scream so loudly she was afraid someone might hear and my punishments would become much worse. She gave me herbs to ease the dreams and calm my nerves.
I hadn’t had a single nightmare for many months now and hoped they were gone for good.
“All right, mistress. You are ready for this evening’s feast. I will ask the gods to pour upon you many blessings this night, for your future and also for your happiness.”
“And what if my future lies somewhere else, Aiko?” I hadn’t meant to ask her that, but my mouth had been faster than my forethought as of late.
Aiko gave me a very serious look before answering. “Then I shall do everything in my power to put you on the path toward the future that is right for you.”
A small look of understanding passed between us, and I knew I could count on her for what the next few months might require.
I turned my back to the mirror and allowed Aiko to lead me out of my rooms and through the many hallways and courtyards the palace boasted. We neared the great hall where my father usually held any large gatherings. Visiting kami from my father’s militia would be present tonight to witness this most anticipated event.
I felt a very pressing need to vomit what little I held in my stomach, though that would most likely prove impossible given my attire. Kimonos, silk or otherwise, were not very forgiving when it came to freedom of movement.
We arrived at the double doors. I could hear the loud murmurings of the large group visiting amongst themselves, no doubt waiting for my grand entrance. I hoped I could pull a regal and graceful gait off in my flimsy geta platform sandals and folds of silk.
“Ready?”
I nodded to my maid, and she motioned the guards on either side to open the giant, carved doors.
As they opened and the guard on my left announced my arrival, I heard the muffled sounds of conversation die down. Soon all became silent.
“Her Imperial Highness, Princess Mikomi, the Savior of our people, The Healer.”
I placed my hands within the opposite sleeves of my kimono, and drew them in front of me. With my head bent slightly forward and my eyes lowered, I traversed the long path to the other side of the room where my father stood.
Once I finally arrived at my destination, I bent low to the waist out of deference to the emperor and waited for his permission to rise. Instead of hearing the rough, barking command I was accustomed to, I felt a strong hand gently grasp my chin and lift me. I was soon standing in an upright position, staring into quizzical brown eyes.
I felt my breath hitch at this unexpected departure from tradition. My father was the one who gave me permission to rise, and no one was allowed to touch me. I might have sent my father a questioning glance, but the look of wonder those beautiful eyes were giving me had completely arrested my attention. Katsu drank me in just as he had this morning. I felt lightheaded at the thought that anything about me might be pleasing to him.
“Katsu, I am honored to present to you my daughter and your betrothed, The Healer, Princess Mikomi.” The room roared with a thunderous applause, but I barely noticed. I stepped back, and the hand Katsu had held under my chin dropped to his side. He looked at me with curious interest, and I realized I must have appeared to him like a scared little child. It was not behavior fitting an imperial princess. I straightened my spine and lifted my chin, meeting him eye for eye, giving him a calm, almost challenging look.
He hadn’t given me permission to do so, and at first I wondered if he would be angered by my obvious defiance and lack of respect, but he seemed to be delighted by it. He smiled approvingly and nodded at me as if I’d just pleasantly surprised him. He lifted his hand to me, beckoning me to take hold of it. I was still having a hard time coming to terms with this public, physical contact that was generally forbidden by my father, but I accepted the hand he offered and allowed him to draw me to him.
“Princess Mikomi,” he said loud enough for the whole room to hear, “it is my honor to finally meet the woman who was chosen by our First Parents to stand united by my side for eternity. I accept this union wholeheartedly, and will willingly devote my life to protecting the veil with you by my side.”
I supposed explaining we had already met during an attempt on my life was probably something he and my father would keep quiet about.
He never once took his eyes from my face. My whole body was becoming uncomfortably warm with the unwanted attention. I was very much used to remaining invisible. There was no hiding from Katsu’s probing gaze. The room grew quiet again, and Katsu continued to look at me, waiting for me to speak. I cleared my throat as quietly as I could, but from the amused twitch I saw on Kat
su’s lips I could tell he had heard and could see through my calm façade. Was he laughing at me? I struggled to find the words necessary to end this very public meeting, but the nervousness I felt was beginning to overrule my thoughts.
I finally managed a small kind of bow from my knees instead of my hips since he was too close to me to perform such a deep bow. Apparently, that was all that was needed because the room broke out into loud applause again, and soon whatever festivities that had occurred before my arrival resumed. I breathed out a silent sigh. I remained facing Katsu merely because he continued to hold my hand, studying me.
He took a small step forward, lowering his head toward mine. “Princess, do you wish to eat or would you be more comfortable on the terrace? It is quite warm in this room.”
I nodded gratefully and wondered at his noticing my mild distress. I was not used to such consideration from a powerful man, kami or otherwise.
“If you will meet me on that terrace just outside this room, I will go retrieve something cool for you to drink.”
“Thank you. That is most kind of you.”
He gave me a slight bow and moved past me. I quickly retreated to the landing on my left just past my father’s usual seat. Once outside, my breathing came easier. The rainy season had started, and I could see storm clouds gathering in the distance, but for now the sky withheld its torrential shards, and a cool breeze ruffled the silky folds of my clothing.
The night sky filled with lanterns of various shapes and colors, honoring the special meeting that would mark the union of The Healer and the warrior god Katsu. I felt quite disconnected with the excitement and the festivities. To me, it seemed surreal—some fantastical farce I couldn’t possibly be a part of. I ached to magically sprout wings and sore right off the palace roof, leaving my gilded cage far behind me. The heavy stomp of booted feet interrupted my brief daydream.
“Could you think of nothing respectable to say in return to Katsu’s most gracious speech?”
I turned around quickly, recognizing the angry voice of my father. He didn’t give me even one moment to defend myself before his ready fist lifted and fell heavily against my left cheek, splitting the skin across my cheekbone. I felt blood begin to drip down the side of my face.
“Fukurokuju, what is the meaning of this?”
I had gripped the hand rail behind me to keep myself upright but couldn’t look up to see who had spoken, though I had a pretty good idea. Humiliation and shame overwhelmed me with thoughts of my betrothed witnessing such a degrading moment.
“Why, Katsu, I was merely teaching the princess a lesson in respect. Her lack of decorum will never happen again.”
The wooziness I suffered after being struck began to subside as my body commenced the healing process. I knew the cut and bruise on my cheek would disappear within minutes.
“Teaching? Is that what you call such callous abuse?”
I looked up sharply, surprised that Katsu would have the courage to stand up to my father. He glared at the emperor, clearly agitated by what he had seen.
“You forget yourself, Katsu.”
“I forget nothing. Do not put on airs with me and pretend that you have any kind of power over me when you were assigned this empire only a few decades ago. Before that, you maintained your role as any other kami does. Do not expect me to bow down to you as would a lowly human.”
My mouth hung open in a most unseemly manner, but it could not be helped. I had never heard anyone address my father in anger. I’d never before met anyone who wasn’t afraid to do so.
Katsu pointed a finger at my father’s chest. “If you ever lay a hand on my future wife again, Fukurokuju, so help me, I will find the nearest sword forged from the land of the dead and shove it through your cold, unfeeling heart.”
I could see the emperor’s body trembling in anger, and I was certain he would call out his guards and demand Katsu’s head. Instead, he balled his fists at his sides and quickly walked past Katsu, heading back into the great hall.
I remained where I was, with my hand still nursing my left cheek, dumbfounded. What had just happened? Katsu moved with lightning speed to my side, wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me to him. He grabbed the hand I had placed against my cheek and lowered it.
“How badly did he hurt you?” His voice dripped with barely controlled anger. He took my face in his hands and studied it.
All of this physical contact was beginning to overwhelm me. The only males who had ever been close enough to care for me had been my brother, Daiki, and Kenji, and they had never embraced me like this.
“I’m fine…I tend to…I heal quickly.” I was breathless and flustered and could barely form enough thoughts in my head, let alone construct a complete sentence with Katsu holding my face like I was a porcelain doll and looking at me as if I mattered.
“Whether your wound heals quickly or not is irrelevant. Physical violence on your person should never be tolerated. How many times has this happened?”
“Once or twice,” I stated.
Katsu hissed under his breath. “All your life then.” I marveled that he had seen through my lie. “And each time your body healed quickly so no one was the wiser. Your father is an ass.”
I laughed at that. I couldn’t help myself. I’d spent so many years hiding the abuse I’d suffered at the hands of my father, and now someone finally knew. I continued to laugh, and then suddenly I began to cry. Deep, gut-wrenching sobs shook my body so badly I could barely keep upright. Katsu pulled me close to him and held me with my head tucked under his chin.
I’d never met anyone like him before. Most of the men I knew had very little time for their wives and even less patience for any emotional expression. Crying simply wasn’t done, and here I stood crying like a baby while he held me as if it was completely acceptable and not some show of weakness.
“I’m sorry,” I managed, once my crying subsided a little. “I’m never like this. I don’t usually cry. I apologize for the scene I’ve made.”
“Stop. If anyone had backhanded me as hard as I saw the emperor backhand you, I would have cried on the spot.”
I giggled but kept my head down. I still felt unsure about what behaviors were appropriate around my future husband. I didn’t know what he would allow. “You would never cry, I’m sure. You’re simply saying that to make me feel better.”
“Well, that might be true, but I certainly would have wanted to cry.”
I chuckled again and looked up, meeting Katsu’s eyes and giving him a shy smile.
Katsu placed a soothing hand to my left cheek. “I didn’t get a chance to grab that drink for you. When I saw your father pass me, the look in his eyes gave me pause. I’m very happy I listened to my instincts and followed him back.”
“I’m not really thirsty any longer.”
He eyed me worriedly. “You still have some blood here. Let’s go down to the gardens, away from the prying eyes of that great gathering in there and get you all cleaned up.”
“Yes, thank you. I don’t like to be in crowded rooms. It…I feel very self-conscious.”
“A princess who dislikes being the center of attention? Now that is a surprise.”
Was he teasing me? I glanced at his features and beheld his wide smile. I smiled back and looked at the floor again as he grabbed my hand and led me into the crowded great hall and out the way I had originally come.
Katsu’s kind behavior had me completely baffled. I had been prepared to suffer through this night in silence, willing to bear this forced meeting because I knew I wasn’t going to have to continue pretending that I agreed with my fate and the expectations that had been drummed into my head all my life. I’d never considered that I might actually have an ally in the man I was destined to marry. I’d certainly never expected him to champion me against my own father.
It took some time, but we soon left the palace and entered the gardens circling the palace in the back. Katsu led me to an ivory bench nestled next to a silvery, oval sh
aped pond filled with colorful fish.
I loved these gardens, they were extensive and elaborate in their landscaping. The outer wall of the garden was lined with bushes, trimmed to perfection. As you wandered past the pond you could follow a trickling flow of water that led to a grouping of whimsical looking statues made up of female kami who represented peace, prosperity, and good fortune. The trickling water spouted up through the statues, creating a beautiful waterfall.
Cherry trees of varying shapes and sizes were placed strategically throughout the expansive space, along with several other trees and flowers, but my favorite were the white cherry blossoms, snow blossoms, and azaleas. Where trees and flowers were absent, the soft earth was covered in lush grasses of the brightest greens, interrupted only by small rock formations and sand patterns.
Yes, these gardens were a peaceful place of refuge whenever I needed moments for myself. I was happy to share this place with Katsu but nervous to be with him unchaperoned. I sat meekly and waited. He walked over to the pond and ripped a strip of cloth from the undergarment of his black silk kimono.
“Oh, no,” I said before I could stop myself. I slapped a hand over my mouth and then tried to make my person as small as possible when Katsu looked at me questioningly.
“We need to wipe that blood from your face.”
“Yes, but we have plenty of linen within the palace. There’s no reason you should ruin your clothing for my sake.”
Katsu knelt down by the pond and wet the strip of fabric, bringing it up and wringing it out. He then walked over to where I nervously waited and positioned himself next to me. When he lifted the wet cloth toward my face, I instinctively leaned back and put my hands up in a defensive gesture.
I felt silly the minute I did so, but my nerves were completely frayed by my father’s behavior and Katsu’s unexpected kindness. I felt terribly unbalanced emotionally and could no longer keep my reactions in check.