by C. J. Anaya
Eventually, I gave in and let go, sleeping under a curtain of endless night.
* * *
“When will she wake up?” I heard Saigo ask.
“I’m really not sure,” Katsu responded in frustration. “The damage she sustained when she broke through the veil was extensive. I can’t believe she managed to accomplish something so mentally demanding without dying immediately afterward. Even now, I’m not sure that I healed all of the damage her mind sustained.”
If he was trying to comfort my brother, he was making a huge mess of things.
“I tried reasoning with the emperor, Katsu. I even tried to prevent her from connecting with me, but he threatened Kenji’s life, knowing her attachment to him to be a weakness for her. Foolish girl.”
I wanted to return to my own personal oblivion after hearing my mother’s criticism. I’d saved her life, but she didn’t care. I realized nothing I did, short of becoming The Healer, would ever be enough for her.
“It isn’t your fault, Highness. It isn’t Mikomi’s fault, either. She had no idea what the repercussions would be if she actually succeeded. She only knew what they would be if she failed, and as I understand it, Kenji is considered a valued member of the family.”
“That he is,” Saigo said. “If I had been in her position, I would have behaved in the exact same way, foolish or not.”
I knew I could always count on my brother to defend me.
“Where is the emperor now?” my mother asked.
“I believe he is in a meeting with some of his generals. He actually had the nerve to demand that Mikomi be brought to his quarters once she had awakened. If he thinks I’ll allow him near my betrothed again, he’s insane. ”
A soft giggle escaped my mouth as I managed to open my eyes a crack. “Don’t let my father hear you accusing him of insanity. He’ll throw you into the nearest dungeon.” My giggling returned, and I found that I couldn’t stop. It must have been contagious because Saigo joined in and attacked me on the bed where I lay immobile.
“I knew you would be all right, sister. You have too much spunk to let little things like fatal injuries prevent you from bouncing back.” He kissed the top of my forehead, and I smiled. I could only make out his outline. Everything else was a bit fuzzy.
“Thank the gods.” I heard Katsu say under his breath. I heard him slide whatever he was sitting on closer to the side of my bed. He gripped one of my hands in his. “I don’t know what I would have done if the damage to your mind had been irreversible.”
I managed to turn my head in his direction and forced my eyes open a little wider, but everything still remained fuzzy.
“Is my mother well?” I asked.
“Of course I am, you silly girl.” I sensed her approach my bed, but she stopped just before she reached it. I released Katsu’s hand and lifted it toward her. I guessed I was hoping that somehow her feelings toward me had changed. She hesitated for a second, then patted my shoulder stiffly and turned away.
“She’ll make a full recovery, and that’s all that matters,” she flung over her shoulder as she left my room.
Not many things were capable of crushing me so completely, but at that moment, as my mother walked away from me, I felt a piece of my heart shrivel and break.
“Yes, I suppose The Healer is all that matters,” I mumbled.
“Don’t let it hurt you, Mikomi,” Saigo said, attempting to console me. “You know Mother has never been one to show affection.”
I stayed mute, deciding now was neither the time nor the place to share with him our mother’s previous remarks about her feelings toward me. I certainly wasn’t going to discuss it in front of Katsu.
“How do you feel?” the warrior god asked. He reached for the hand my mother had refused and tightly grasped it. I squeezed his hand and felt grateful that he was at least showing some concern, even if it was only meant for The Healer.
“I’m feeling much better, thank you.” I turned my head to try and look at him and managed to pry open my eyes a little more. His face was coming into focus, but the edges were deformed and fuzzy. I heard his sharp intake of breath as he looked at me.
“Mikomi, the whites of your eyes are completely red. Do you feel any pain?” He was trying to remain calm, but I could tell he was worried.
“Her eyes are red?” Saigo turned my face to look at me and grimaced. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really.” I wondered why everything else within me had healed. “I’m having trouble seeing as sharply as I once did, but I’m sure my body will correct itself, now that I am feeling better.”
“Yes, let’s hope that is true.”
“How long have I been unconscious?”
“Three days,” Katsu said.
I went from a prone position to sitting straight up. “Three days? I have never been sick that long. Why would my body have taken so much time to heal?”
Katsu placed his hands on my shoulders and guided me back down. “I am happy to answer your questions, but I want you resting while I do so. You had a very close call, and I’m not entirely certain that you are completely recovered, especially with how your eyes look. There seems to be some residual damage.”
“What happened to me exactly?”
“You injured yourself by attacking the veil. There are laws in death just as there are in life, and when the natural order of the Universe is tampered with, fatal consequences are usually the result. If I hadn’t come when I did…if I hadn’t been able to stop the bleeding within your brain…” Katsu took a deep, calming breath and grasped my hand again, bringing it to his lips and placing a soft kiss there. “I’m just not sure what I would have done.”
I was astounded. I knew it was possible for kami to use a small amount of power to heal someone, but I had never thought that Katsu would do something like that for me.
“You healed me? You sacrificed some of your power for me?”
“Of course I did, Mikomi. You’re The Healer. Did you really think I would just stand back and watch you die?”
At first I had been overwhelmed with emotion to think that Katsu would risk his immortality to heal me. That he might care that much for me, but my heart sank at his explanation. Of course, he would do everything he could to save The Healer. It was his duty and his destiny to share a life with me, whether he wanted to or not, and Katsu, above all else, was a kami sworn to fulfill his destiny. I had to wonder if my title as The Healer made it impossible for anyone to really love me.
I knew my brother loved me and Kenji loved me, but that was familial affection, not the kind of love between couples that, if strong enough, could join them in a way no other love was capable of. Would I ever experience that for myself, or would a union with Katsu always be about duty, honor and fulfilling one’s destiny?
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to do it in front of my betrothed. I didn’t want him to think me ungrateful regardless of his motives for saving me.
“Perhaps, I could be left alone to rest. I think if I sleep just a little more, I will recover completely.”
Katsu and Saigo agreed it was a good idea. The warrior god left my room first, giving the back of my hand a light kiss before leaving. He no doubt felt it his duty to show some signs of affection. I didn’t even know how to interpret his behavior toward me. I never had.
Once Katsu left the room, Saigo turned to me.
“I realize that you are tired from your ordeal, but you must be informed. One of the guards had a message for you from Akane, and when he discovered that you were ill, he gave the message to Kenji. I have it here.”
I couldn’t imagine all the things I had missed if I had truly been unconscious for the last three days. That meant I’d missed three trainings with Musubi, three chances to see him and be near him. Now I really wanted to cry.
“I’m surprised Akane has not received any knowledge of my condition. She usually knows the goings on within the palace better than anyone.”
“Your condition has been k
ept very quiet. Katsu worried that people within the empire would panic if the severity of your injuries were known.”
Yes, Katsu seemed to have a handle on everything, although I couldn’t fault him for his cold, hard logic. “Would you read the message to me, Saigo? My eyes are still having problems focusing.”
He nodded and pulled out a small piece of parchment paper, reading it aloud. “Meeting tomorrow evening. Same place as always. Burn immediately.”
“When was the message delivered?”
“This morning. It will be dusk within the hour.”
“Saigo, I have to find a way to get to that meeting, but I doubt very highly that Kenji will be able to impress upon Katsu the importance of my educational outings considering I almost died.”
“Yes, I doubt Kenji would even consider it himself. He’s been very worried about you.”
My heart warmed at that, but the problem still remained. If Akane needed me, then there was no help for it. I would do all that I could to make it to that meeting. A small grin spread across my face as an idea took root.
“Saigo, how do you feel about pretending to be me tomorrow evening?”
My brother grinned widely.
“I honestly can’t think of anything more exciting than dressing up in one of your kimonos and hair wigs.”
I slapped his arm as he moved into a feminine stance.
“Honestly, you think I’d allow you to actually walk around impersonating me? I’m supposed to be in bed. I want you to be my body. Just lie in this bed with one of my hair wigs covering your head and keep your back turned to the door.”
“Sounds easy enough. What happens if your maid, Aiko, comes in?”
I pondered that for a moment.
“I will instruct the guards to allow no one in my rooms for the rest of the evening.”
“That could work, but it also means you will have to go to your meeting unaccompanied. Are you sure you will manage?”
I nodded. “Granted, I’m no samurai expert, but I’ve learned some very valuable exercises that will help me defend myself. I should be just fine, Saigo.”
He looked worried, but I could tell the idea of helping me sneak out was an exciting one.
“How will you leave the palace?”
“The same way Akane did the first night we met her. Out my window.”
“You’ll be able to descend from the roof without any problems?”
“I’ve managed it before.”
“Just make sure you are back before the following morning, sister. I’m not certain how Katsu will react if he finds you gone and me snoozing in your bed, but I would rather not find out.”
“Agreed. We shall both be careful.” I leaned back against my pillows, feeling exhaustion descend. “I’ve slept for three days straight, and yet I feel as if I could sleep even longer still.”
“Then you most likely should. You may not be used to the same kind of fatigue we mere mortals suffer from, but I have found it is always wise to listen to one’s body.”
I gave Saigo a rueful smile. “You’re only half mortal.”
“And still it does me little good.” He gave me a rueful smile in return. “It is late afternoon and will be dark within a few hours. Get some rest, sweet sister, and we will plot and plan your rendezvous with Akane later.”
I watched as Saigo exited my rooms, and then let out a heavy sigh. I couldn’t afford to allow my breaching of the veil or its awful consequences to affect my health for long. I was still a spy for the rebels, and learning to protect and defend myself was important. I shifted in my bed, and a sharp stabbing pain shot through my arm.
I withdrew it from underneath my silken bed sheet and stared in shock at the small cut within the crook of my arm. It looked as if it had scabbed over at one point, but my movements had ripped the cut open and blood dribbled slowly down my arm.
I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. Never in my life had I ever had such a minuscule cut remain on my person. Incisions like these healed within seconds, but it was clear my ki had struggled to heal something as simple as this.
More disturbing was wondering how on earth I had received such a cut. Had it occurred when I was delivered to my room? I grabbed a small cloth from my nightstand and placed it within the crook of my arm, staunching the small amount of blood flow and applying pressure. The movements had taken their toll and weakened me, another worrisome development. Since when did simple, everyday movements make me feel as if I’d just sprinted for several miles? I ignored the stinging pain in my arm and closed my eyes, allowing blessed oblivion to claim me for just a little while longer.
Chapter Sixteen
I could feel the sunlight, warm and inviting, seeping through the cracks between the shutters of my window as I slowly began to awaken from a fitful night’s sleep. I didn’t want consciousness to take me, considering the wonderful dream I’d had involving Musubi.
I could have lain in bed with my eyes closed for hours thinking about the way it felt when he touched me. I could have slept and wondered at the sadness he held trapped within his heart, a sadness that needed my help for release, but I soon became aware of another presence in my bedroom.
I opened my eyes and turned my head to the right, surprised to see Katsu sitting on the floor next to my bed, anxiously looking at me.
He reached for my hand when our eyes connected and let out a shaky breath. I sensed his emotional turmoil, but he reined it in quickly before I had time to fully understand the source.
I sat up, fearful that something terrible had happened. “Katsu, what is troubling you? Are you well?”
He pulled my hand to his cheek and placed it there for a moment. “I am well, Princess. I have been worried about you ever since you sustained the injury to your brain. I gave up the fight to sleep and came in here to sit by you and make certain you were well.”
“You’ve been here long then?”
“No, just a few hours. I just...I needed to reassure myself that you were still breathing.”
He let go of my hand, but I kept it against his cheek, running my thumb along his brow and cheekbone, touched that he would have been concerned enough about my well-being to sit beside me and watch over me.
I marveled at this caring compassionate side coming through. He was abrupt and indifferent with me in public, but in private he tended to disarm me with his behavior. He let out a soft gasp as I ran my fingers through his jet-black hair, and I nearly pulled my hand away, wondering if perhaps I had been too forward. His emotions stayed locked away, not allowing me to know exactly what he was feeling.
“As you can see, I am still breathing, and everything about me is functioning properly.” I held my hands out to either side to emphasize my point. Katsu rose to his knees, bringing himself eye level with me.
“Everything is not okay, Mikomi. Your eyes are still red. Your body should have corrected this by now. I am worried that not only was there damage to your mind, but to your ki as well.”
I considered his idea and thought it probable. If my eyes were still suffering from breaching the veil, then there was something very wrong indeed, and there was also that mysterious cut to consider.
“Is there anything that can be done to discover the extent of the damage? Any way to repair it?”
Katsu inched his face closer to mine. “There is, but it will involve crossing certain personal boundaries. It might make you feel…” he searched for the right word, “…uncomfortable. Do you mind if I connect to your ki?”
I couldn’t understand why Katsu would feel this to be a shocking personal boundary to cross. “Katsu, you connected to my ki a few days ago to save my life. Why would this make me feel uncomfortable?”
He lowered his eyes, looking a bit uncomfortable himself. Then he raised them and gave me a look longingly desperate. I thought I saw fear and uncertainty cross his features, but then he grew determined, as if he had just made an important decision. “You might feel uneasy with the way I have to connect with you
r ki.”
Now I was curious, but I also felt a bit impatient, trying to draw Katsu out and discover his thoughts and feelings depleted what little energy I still possessed.
“You are an honorable kami, and I trust that you will handle my ki with as much care as you took in saving my life. Please do what you think is best and connect with me anyway you must.”
The corner of his mouth turned up into a grateful half smile. “As you wish, Princess.” He placed both his hands on either side of my face, an action I already anticipated. I didn’t anticipate what happened next.
Instead of closing his eyes to concentrate, he leaned forward and tenderly kissed my lips. I didn’t have time to react before I felt his consciousness enter my own, searching for my ki and embracing it with his.
It was different than any connection I had ever made with the people I healed. They were never as aware of their ki as kami were, and no one’s ki had ever reached out to hold mine the way Katsu’s did. Once he found it, I felt him deepen the kiss and by doing so deepen the connection. A slow warmth spread from my spine to the tips of my toes as he continued searching for the damage.
I could tell the moment he found it because his ki spread out and covered the area, completely encompassing it in white, healing light. For some reason I wasn’t responding to Katsu’s instructions and suddenly the bright light seemed to backfire, sending shock waves that blew our ki apart and ripped through our bodies.
My vision blurred as I opened my eyes and found myself displaced from my bed and cradled in Katsu’s arms. He was leaning his forehead against mine, taking in heavy gulps of air.
“I don’t understand this. I can’t understand what happened. I found the damage, and I could have fixed it, but there is a blockage of some kind.”
I reached up and placed a hand on his cheek, attempting to comfort him. “Is it a blockage of the mind? Did I put it there, or did I shut you out unintentionally?”