by Tracey Ward
I’d never know anything like it again and I’d want it for the rest of my life.
She bit my lip and sucked it softly, licking it inside her mouth.
I was so hard it hurt.
I was desperate for her and afraid of her. I was still with her in a way I never was with anyone else. I wasn’t slipping down in the darkness, hiding from her and relegating my movements to instinct, primal and vacant. I was with her. I was feeling her in ways I never had before and it felt so fucking good, but I was terrified that it would turn.
Could we cross this bridge I’d been on so many times before that always ended nowhere? That landed me exactly where I started, like some recurring nightmare set to repeat.
I hoped I could stay with her. I knew I had to try.
Because she loved me.
Because I loved her.
Because we were always meant to be like this.
But
then
she
touched
me.
She put her gentle, elegant hand on my body – on the ugliest, sickest part of me – and it jumped in deranged joy and excitement against her palm.
I was too close to the surface. I wasn’t deep in the dark numbness I usually went to during sex. I was too engaged in her, and her touch slammed me back into reality. The night, the dark, the floor, the cold, the hand, the voice, the pain. It was like a jolt to my system and all joy flooded out of me to be replaced by sheer icy dread.
I remembered who I was.
What. I. Am.
What was hiding in the dark corners Jenna had never seen. The things I’d never let her see because her eyes were too beautiful to look at something so fucking ugly.
So hateful.
So painful.
Angry.
Filthy.
Her hand slidover me slowly.Patiently.Gently.
I felt dizzy and sick. Like I was going to vomit.
My head fell against her, my hands gripping her body so hard I worried I’d hurt her, and I wished I could cry. I wished I was capable of it.
I wished I could mourn what I was about to lose.
I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. That all too familiar feeling of losing something you can't get your hands on. The kind of loss that happens slowly. Deliberately. The kind that makes you watch it as it goes.
I wanted everything from Jenna. With her, for her. I wanted her gasping and moaning. I wanted her happy and smiling. I wanted her full, warm, safe, protected.
protected from a soiled bastard like me
Chapter Seventeen
I yanked myself away from her, bile and disgust rising in my throat.
“Jenna,” I moaned shaking my head to try to clear it.
“What?” she whispered, her voice coming from far off.
The dizziness wouldn’t go away. I felt unsteady. “Shit,” I muttered. “We can’t. I can’t do this.”
“Why?”
I sighed, searching my fractured brain for an answer. Any way to get out of this so I could go outside and throw up in the bushes. “You’re only seventeen,” I mumbled, going for the old standby.
“Seriously?” she demanded, instantly pissed off. “That’s why? You’re only twenty-one!”
I blinked, watching her come into focus by degrees. I was getting it under control, throwing the locks on Pandora’s damned box. “Why are you yelling at me? I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
“I’m yelling because you’re being an asshole.”
I glared at her, suddenly just as angry as her. “How am I being an asshole? I put a stop to it. Do you know how hard that was?”
“Yes! Because I couldn’t do it. I wanted it. I still do!” she cried, her gray eyes full and flashing with a flood of emotions that rolled over me and tore me down. It knocked at the doors I was working so hard to lock.
I growled, rubbing my face hard. “You have no idea…”
“No idea what?”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time. To hide my eyes from her. “Nothing. I should go. I’ll head back to my apartment tonight. I shouldn’t have come.”
She shocked me when she snatched my phone from my hands. I stared up at her where she still sat on the island. Her face was resolved.
“No way,” she said decidedly. “You think I don’t know you? You’ll run, this will be some weird thing between us and you’ll avoid talking to me. Then what? We’re not friends anymore because of one kiss? That’s fine for you and your randoms at school, but that shit’s not happening to us.”
“What do you want from me, Jenna?” I snapped.
“I want you to talk to me about this.”
I shook my head in frustration. “I’m not good at that.”
“Not with other girls, but this is me. You’ve always been able to talk to me.”
And there it was – the heart of it. The problem with all of it. The thing that thrilled me and killed me all in one single breath.
“That’s the fucking problem!” I burst angrily. “It’s you. How could I do this with you? This isn’t how we are. I don’t have a clue how to be this with you!”
“Be what?”
The anger was rising and rushing out the fear. I had to turn away, to walk the room and get some control as the animal tried to take over. I was all jacked up in the head, my mind flying everywhere trying to find somewhere safe to land.
“Thirteen, Jenna,” I told her as calmly as I could. “You were thirteen when I met you. Just a kid. But you’re not anymore. Now you’re… you’re not anymore and I look at you and I—“
“You what? Kel, look at me!” she shouted, not willing to put up with my shit.
I stopped pacing and tried to look at her.
She stared back patiently, her voice going quiet. “You what?”
Two deep breaths. One… Two…Me. The truth. The secret that I knew but never gave life to. “And I want you. I have for years.”
“Years?” she asked, shocked.
“Since you were fifteen and that asshole put his hands on you. I kept thinking you were just a kid and I flipped out. Laney said I was being a psycho. She reminded me that you were almost the same age she was when we first fooled around like that and it blew my mind. You were growing up and I had been ignoring it. Then I came and apologized in your room and you knelt in front of me on your bed with your big beautiful eyes begging me and your body right there at my fingertips and I saw it.” I closed my eyes against the memory but it followed me. I folded my arms across my chest tightly to keep my hands from reaching for her. “You were a woman and I’ve been fighting with that ever since.”
“Why?” she asked breathlessly.
“Why what?”
I opened my eyes when I heard her feet hit the floor. I watched her guardedly as she walked forward, coming to stand right in front of me.
“Why are you fighting it?”
I sighed, feeling exhausted. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do,” she insisted, not giving me a break. Not letting up. “You’re not dumb, Kel. You know exactly how you feel and why. Don’t treat me like I’m one of them,” she pleaded as she laid her warm hands on top of my folded arms.
My body was a knot of tension. One large monkey ball that would probably never be uncoiled. It would stay this way forever until it deteriorated and turned to dust. I was pretty sure I was already halfway there.
“One of who?” I asked her roughly.
“One of the girls you look beautiful for. That you let touch you and feel some sick thrill from being with the bad boy. The boxer from the wrong side of town. The ones that love your body and your eyes and your bike but have no idea who you are because you’ll give them everything they want in a hundred different ways, but you’ll never give them you.”
I stared at her in disbelief, floored by how well she saw me, even when I’d tried to hide.
“I don’t want that with you,” I said tightly.
She grinned, but it
looked more like a grimace. “I don’t want that either. So don’t do that to me. Talk to me. Tell me why.”
“I just did. I don’t want that with you,” I repeated clearly.
“You don’t want to shut down on me.”
“If we have sex, I will. I can’t do both. I don’t know any other way.”
“It could be different with me.”
I snorted at her optimism. “People don’t change, Jen. I am who I am. I’ll do it. I’ll fuck it up, I always do and I don’t really mind. But not with you.” Her eyes were filling with tears but I pressed on, knowing I couldn’t give in. “I’ll lose you and I can’t do that.”
“You haven’t walked away from Laney.”
I took her hands in mine and let them dangle together at our sides. “Yes, I have. With her it’s all sex.”
“You told her you loved her.”
I flinched, hating myself for so many reasons. Old ones and new. “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t feel it.”
“You told me you loved me once,” she whispered doubtfully.
“And I meant that,” I replied earnestly. “I still do. I love you, Jen, but you’ve never needed me to be in love with you. It’s different somehow.” I didn’t know how to explain it to her. To make her see that everything Laney and I had was worthless. It was a sham. It looked good on paper but once you physically saw it, when you were living it, it was vapid and meaningless. Jenna was the only thing of any real substance in my life. I couldn’t risk ruining her like that. “Look, you don’t want what Laney and I have. Half the time I don’t even want it but it’s the best I can manage. You deserve so much more than that.”
“So do you.”
“No. I don’t deserve anything. Least of all you.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. “I want to try.”
I wished I could tell her that I had tried. That tonight I’d made it farther with her than I’d ever gone with any other girl I’d been with without checking out mentally and going to pure, animal instinct, but I couldn’t without explaining the secrets inside me that I’d never tell. There were things I couldn’t talk about or even think about because they would absolutely wreck me. I’d gotten too close to them tonight and I knew I’d pay for it. I’d be shaking for days, cagey and afraid.
I couldn’t tell her any of it because it would give her hope. She’d know the reason I’d hit the brakes wasn’t entirely her age – it was me, and she’d wait for me. She’d try for me, and I wasn’t worth it. I needed her to be able to move on. I didn’t want her waiting on me. Hanging hopes on me, because I’d inevitably let her down.
“I know,” I answered her softly. “And if I thought there was a chance in hell I could do it right with you, I’d have you naked in my arms right now begging you to give me a shot. But I know me. I know I can’t. I’d mess it up eventually.”
She nodded in understanding as the tears brimmed in her eyes and spilled over like waves crashing to shore. I watched one run down her cheek, following the contours of her face, and I wished I could trace it. Follow it. Erase it.
I hated that I was doing this to her. I should never have come to that house – that night or years ago when I first met her at the kitchen table. I should have stayed away and never touched Laney. Never known Jenna. Never seen what I could have, never been given this dream that I destroyed before I even woke up from it. Because that’s what I did. I tainted everything with my filthy hands and my cold, vacant body.
“Kellen,” she said softly, “before you walk out that door and we never talk about this again, I need you to know something. I don’t need you to react, I just need you to know.”
“What is it?”
“I need you to know that I l—“
My phone rang sharply on the island behind her where she’d left it. I stared at it blankly. I knew who it was before Jenna looked. I knew because it was poor timing. Always and forever, the bitch in the rafters pulling all the strings. Timing. Fate. Luck. Fortune.
Call her what you wanted, she was a cunt in my book.
“It’s Laney,” Jenna mumbled, not looking away from the flashing screen.
“Shit,” I cursed, but I didn’t make a move for it. I wanted nothing to do with it.
The phone stopped ringing.
I watched Jenna and waited with her as she kept her eyes on the silent phone.
Finally I took a chance. “What were you going—“
It rang again.
“Goddammit,” I muttered as I stepped forward and angrily picked up the phone. “Yeah?” I answered bitingly.
I could hear noise on the other end. Laney shouting over loud music. Laughing.
“Hey, baby!” she cried.
I winced at the nickname.
“Where are you?” she continued. “Are you home?”
“No, I’m in town.”
“Oh thank God!!! Kellen, I need to see you. I miss you. I miss your…” her voice disappeared, then came bursting back at full volume, “miss me?! You have to come see me, okay?”
“Not tonight, Lane.”
“Yes! You have to, please!”
I fought the urge to tell to her piss off. “No, seriously, not tonight. I can’t deal with any of this tonight.”
“Come on, please? Please, please, please with so many rummy red cherries on top.” She burst out giggling. “Yummy, not rummy! Oh my God.”
“Are you drunk?”
“A teeny tiny itty bitty baby bit, maybe, yeah. Will you come get me?”
“Dammit,” I sighed angrily. “Take a cab home”
“I’m at Stacey’s. I think you know the address. Come get me.”
“No, I can’t, I—“
“Yes you do. You know where it is. I’ll wait outside for you. I’m going now.”
“Laney, let it go. It’s not a good time.”
The sound of the party died down. I heard a door click on her end. “Kellen, it’s dark out here and the party is getting so crazy. I’m scared, baby. I need you to come get me. I’m so scared.”
“You’re not scared, you’re drunk”
“I’m scared to go to sleep! I’m so sleepy and there are strangers here!”
I closed my eyes tightly, pissed as hell but a little relieved to be on familiar territory. “Alright,” I agreed gruffly.
“Really?! Please come get me, please!”
“Yes, I said alright,” I snapped. “I’ll be there. Text me the address, I’ll come get you.”
“Are you mad at me?” she asked in a pathetic, whimpering voice.
“Yeah, I am. I’m mad.”
“Why?”
“Because you know what you’re doing right now.”
“I’m not doing anything! I’m trying to be smart and safe and come home. That’s all I want – to come home.”
“Whatever, I said I’d bring you home and I will. Send me the address.”
“Okay, I will. Thank you! I love you!”
“Yeah, bye.”
“Aren’t you going to say it back?”
“No, I’m not going to say it back.” I’d only ever once said it back, and I felt like I’d been tricked into that one to start with. “Goodbye.”
I ended the call and angrily shoved my phone in my pocket. I looked around the room trying to get my bearings, but I was careful to keep my eyes off Jenna’s. One look at her and I’d be blown apart again, and I’d barely survived the first time.
“She’s drunk at a party. She says she wants to talk but I,” I stuttered gracelessly, tripping for the truth through the lies. “I’m going to go pick her up and bring her back here. She said she’s scared but it’s bullshit.”
“She just wanted you to come get her,” Jenna agreed softly.
“Yeah. She’s kind of manipulative like that.”
“But you’ll still go back to her.”
I looked at her sharply. “No, Jenna, I—“
“It’s okay. I get it,” she interrupted. She nodded toward the door and began to back
out of the room. “I’m going to go get her room ready. Put a bucket by the bed, a glass of water on the nightstand. Do you want to take my car? She can get a little wild on your motorcycle even when she’s sober. It doesn’t seem safe to have her on it when she’s been drinking.”
“I can manage. It’s not the first time. Thanks.”
“No problem. Drive careful, okay?”
I watched her go, torn between wanting to follow her and wanting to run from the house. From the bullet we’d just dodged. When she stopped halfway up the stairs, my heart stopped with her.
“You should stay the night in the pool house,” she said coolly. “It’s really late, too late to drive back to your apartment, and she’ll want to talk to you in the morning. It’ll save you a drive back down.”
“I will. Goodnight, Jenna.”
“Goodbye, Kellen.”
Chapter Eighteen
Laney was nearly incoherent with excitement and alcohol when I showed up to get her. She was waiting in the parking lot of the condo complex when I rolled up, yelling up at her friends and dancing for beads and strawberries for some reason. I recognized a couple of people from high school and when Laney hopped on the back of my bike, they catcalled and shouted sloppy sexual innuendos at us from the balcony. It all rubbed me the wrong way, feeling like sandpaper against my soul.
Also, the hypocrisy of the situation did not escape me. Picking up a drunk Laney from exactly the kind of party she had told me was white trash? It was nearly the straw on the camel’s already rickety back.
Laney was surprisingly quiet on the ride back to her house. I got her there no trouble, dismounted her from my bike, and led her inside. I was relieved to get to the door and find the alarm engaged, but when we got inside and found the place silent and deserted, I didn’t know exactly how I felt other than wrong. Hollow. I’d been in that house countless times over the years, eaten at the table, slept under the roof, celebrated Christmas by the fire, but returning that night I felt like a trespasser. Like a villain returning to the scene of his crime.