by Tracey Ward
I nodded my head over and over again, lost in a cycle that wouldn’t stop. Like a twitch I couldn’t control. “I know that.”
“So,” he replied patiently, “when?”
I breathed shakily, stilling my head. My hands. My heart. “Soon.”
Chapter Forty
Amanda sent me updates on the property hunt with Jenna. She was struggling with the same issues I had been railing against before – Jenna was being cheap. For a girl who had grown up rich, she was a frugal shopper. Her money or her dad’s, she didn’t like spending it. I told Amanda to hang in there, that I’d help her as soon as I could.
At the moment, all of my time was focused on the gym to prep for the physical test that I’d been struggling to pass to get into the Fire Academy. I was fast, I was fit, and I was strong, but there were times when my right hand screamed at me out of nowhere and I faltered. It was a weakness I was learning to work around, but it would take me time. Just like learning to lead with my left hand in boxing would take time. I had to learn to be patient with myself.
In all things.
Ben was trying to teach me to take baby steps into the pool of my shortcomings, but I was struggling. After what happened with Jenna, I was gun-shy, terrified of talking about too much. I finally opened up and told him about my mom, though. I even told him about my dad and how I knew he was out there throwing money at me and his sense of guilt, but that my mom had let me fall into foster care rather than be with him. I wondered some days if being raised by an absent rich man’s nanny wouldn’t have been better than the upbringing I got.
“We’ll never know, because that’s not how things played out,” Ben told me simply. “Maybe it would have been better for you, maybe it would have been worse. Life is what it is and worrying over what might have been is a waste of your time.”
“So talking about the past is a waste?”
Ben grinned. “Nice try.”
“I gave it a shot,” I replied, smiling faintly.
“Our time is almost up today, so I have to ask. When?”
I sighed, sitting forward with my arms on my thighs. “I’ll talk about it, but only once. And I need Jenna to know.”
“Do you want to bring her into a session with you?”
“Yeah. I think I do. Is that a bad idea?”
“I think that is an excellent idea,” Ben replied emphatically. “I believe it will be good for both of you. When do you want to do it?”
“Soon.”
“I thought you’d say that.”
“No, I mean it,” I said seriously. “I will. I’ll bring her in soon. I need to get a few more things in order first so I can tell her everything at once, but I will do it. I want to do it.”
“Good. What are you getting in order?”
“I’m almost finished with my EMT course, then I want to apply to the academy again. I need to get a job lined up too. I hate not working.”
“But you’re going to school.”
“And living off his money. I hate that.”
Ben paused, watching me. Reading me. “Have you thought about contacting your father?”
I laughed, shaking my head and sitting back. “No. Never.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“Vegas. He’s some wealthy poker champ that lives in a penthouse of a casino. Real classy guy. I’m dying to meet him.”
“I think you should,” Ben said seriously. “You need that closure.”
“I’d kick his ass, using my right hand the entire time just for the satisfaction of beating him down with my weak hand. Then I’d get arrested, and I’d be right back where I was when I was seventeen – in jail. No, thank you.”
“What about your mother’s family? You said she was from Ireland originally. Is there still family there?”
“Probably, but I’ve never heard anything about them. My grandpa burned his bridges when he left. They never knew my mom because he hid her away with his mistress. She grew up alone.”
“Like you.”
“Not like me,” I replied darkly. “I hope to God not like me.”
“They’re your family and you don’t have a grudge against them like you do your father,” Ben answered, scribbling on a piece of paper then tearing it free. “Here. Take this. It’s the name and number of a friend of mine who specializes in genealogy. She’s helped reconnect families with lost members before. She’d be happy to help you as well.”
I took the paper, stuffing it in my pocket absently. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me, do it. It’d do you good to feel like you’re not alone, Kellen. You need to see that you came from something. From somewhere. With your mother gone it’s hard to see that, but somewhere there are people with your blood and I promise you, they’ll want to meet you.”
“They don’t even know me.”
“And they never will, not until you let them.”
***
Two months later I was home studying, nearly finished with my EMT course, when Amanda called.
“I found a building in the area you and Jenna wanted,” Amanda said excitedly. “It’s in your price range.”
“Mine or hers?”
“Yours. And it won’t last long. We need to move on it yesterday.”
“Call Jenna and see if she’s available to look at it. If not, I’ll come by.”
Amanda sighed heavily. “Kellen, honey, no. I’m not doing that. Not anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because ever since you stopped showing up to these viewings, she has lost all steam.”
“I thought she was bringing a friend with her. Sam.”
“She is, and Sam is trying to help, but Jenna’s never going to make a decision without you there. You were the one pushing her to do this, right?”
“Yeah,” I admitted warily.
“Then why did you disappear?”
“It’s complicated.”
“And private, I get it, but if you still care about her and helping her make this happen, you need to help me out here.”
I dropped my pen down on the desk, rubbing my eyes. “Alright. I’m on it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bailed on both of you. Send me a link and the address and I’ll get in touch with Jenna.”
“Thank you. I’m sending it now.”
I hung up the phone and pulled up my e-mail on my laptop. Amanda was fast. I had the link within seconds. I scrolled through it, checking out the gutted industrial building with warm woods and dented metal. It was perfect. I knew she’d love it, and with the price right where I wanted it to be, I knew I had to make this happen for her.
I had to help her make it happen for herself.
I hated that she had lost her excitement over the project when I disappeared. I hated that I had run, that I was still running, but I was afraid to stop. I was worried I’d screw up again or that if we saw each other face to face she’d tell me she couldn’t wait any more. I worried what had always been so strong between us would be gone, and I’d have no one to blame but myself.
I picked up my phone to text her the address and send her the link, noticing our previous conversations. Every four days on the dot I sent her a message asking how she was. Every time she said she was good. We’d go back and forth briefly about her family, about work, about boxing, then it’d awkwardly end in a weird silence that neither of us knew how to fill, so we filled it with everything we were afraid to talk about and it hung between us for days until I texted her again, and the cycle started all over.
It needed to stop.
I sent her the link, the address, and a message telling her we needed to go see it immediately. All of us.
After hitting send, I tossed my phone aside and went to my bedroom to change. I was still in gym clothes, stinking of sweat. When my phone beeped, I hurried out to check it, wearing nothing but my shorts.
Looks perfect. Be there in 2 hours, she said.
I told her I’d see her there, then I dove into the shower, feeling jittery and wired.
<
br /> Excited.
When I found the spot, I knew it was the one. I pulled up next to Jenna’s SUV, feeling nervous as I ran my hand through my hair, trying to undo the helmet head I’d earned on the ride over. I smiled to Amanda where she stood in the doorway waiting, then turned to open Jen’s door for her. I was relieved to see her smile at me. She didn’t look like she hated me, and that was the best I could hope for right then.
“Hey,” I said happily, “are you ready to make all your dreams—“
Holy shit.
“What are you wearing?” I asked deeply.
She looked down at herself as though she didn’t know. She was wearing a shiny skin tight leotard with black stiletto books that came up to her thighs. The black and yellow outfit covered her arms, a whisper of her chest, and about as much as underwear on the bottom. I recognized it immediately.
“A costume,” she said uncertainly. “I was going to ComiCon with Sam when you texted me. I’m the Silk Spectre from—“
“Watchmen. Yeah. I know,” I muttered, my eyes still taking her in. She looked incredible.
“Then why’d you ask what it was?”
“I meant why are you wearing that?”
“I told you, I was going to ComiCon but I thought this was more important so I rushed here. I didn’t have time to change.”
I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to give her shit for it because it was so nerdy and so hot and so many other things I wasn’t sure how to put into words, but I liked it all. In fact, like might have been too small of a word.
“I look like a hooker,” she said, noticing my stare. “I know.”
“A hot hooker.”
“Most hookers are, aren’t they?”
I chuckled. “You haven’t seen many, have you?”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “No, but should I be worried that you have?”
“All part of the experience growing up in the slums. If it’s any consolation, you look expensive.” Legs like that did not come cheap.
“My mother would be so proud,” she muttered, stepping down out of the car.
She was taller than me in those shoes, and when I stepped aside to let her walk on ahead of me, I got to watch her move in them. She wasn’t as graceful as she normally was, and I knew it was the heels throwing her off. Still, her ass in that outfit – she was killing me but I’d die with a smile.
It also kicked off something in me. Something territorial and protective, and as I watched her stand there talking to Amanda, I remembered we weren’t in the best of neighborhoods.
I quickly stepped forward to drape my stiff riding jacket over her shoulders, covering her gently.
She turned her head to smile at me gratefully as she pulled it tighter around her body. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I jutted my chin toward the doorway. “Are you ready for this?”
“Definitely.”
I was right. She loved it. It was everything she’d been looking for and when she found out it was in her price range, she jumped in with both feet, her cheeks pink with excitement. Less than an hour later and she put in an offer.
Amanda cast me a grateful look as she filled in the blanks and had Jenna sign, but I wasn’t sure it was me. I think that place was exactly what Jenna had been waiting for, and all the other places simply hadn’t fit. She was a patient girl and she refused to settle. When she knew what she wanted, she’d wait an eternity to get it right.
“What are you going to call the place?” I asked her.
We sat on a picnic table overlooking the ocean, eating lunch and waiting. Amanda was putting in her offer with the seller and she hoped to have a response for us soon so we decided to wait it out by the water. Together.
She shrugged before taking a sip of her beer. “I don’t know.”
I grinned at her lie. “Yes, you do.”
“I may have an idea.”
“Not one you’re going to share?”
“Not yet, no.”
“Mysterious,” I said with admiration. “I like it.”
“Well, you’re not the only one who can keep secrets.”
“What do you mean?”
She cast me a look that said I knew exactly what she meant. “I mean you play it all very close to the chest, Kellen Coulter. I’m lucky to know the things about you that I do. In fact, I don’t even know your middle name. That’s how mysterious your ass is.”
“It’s Riley,” I chuckled, giving it to her freely.
“Riley,” she mused with a grin. “I like it.”
“You can have it.”
“Why? You don’t like it?”
“No one else knows it is all. It’s one of my secrets. Now it’s yours.”
We sat in silence after that, chewing and waiting. And sweating. I was sweating. I wanted to say so many things to her, but I had no idea how.
Her phone started ringing on the table between us.
I glanced down at it. “It’s Amanda.”
“Anfer it!” she shouted around a mouth full of hot dog.
I swept it up in my hand, hitting the answer button. “Hello?”
“Kellen?” Amanda asked, sounding surprised.
“Yeah, it’s Kellen.”
“I didn’t expect you to answer her phone. This is good, actually. I can talk to you about the finances.”
I cast Jenna a quick, worried look. She didn’t seem to be able to hear what Amanda was saying, but I switched the phone to my far ear just in case. “Okay”
“Good news all around. She got the place! Offer accepted, no conditions!”
“That’s good. No it’s great,” I amended with a smile.
“Now the paperwork starts. Endless piles of paperwork. Do you want me to mail it to you?”
“Yes. All of it to the address I gave you.
“She’ll need to sign a few of the papers,” she warned.
“I’ll see it’s taken care of.”
“Alright, hon. I’ll send it over. Tell her congratulations! You guys go celebrate!
“Thank you, Amanda.”
“Well?” Jenna demanded before I even ended the call.
I smiled at her. “You got it.”
“I got it!” she screamed, surprising me. She shocked me when she lunged at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing her body hard against mine. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
I laughed nervously, grateful for my bulky coat that she still wore, keeping a barrier between her body and mine. I was also grateful for her touch. For the feeling of forgiveness in the way she held me. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Because I never would have done this without you.” She pulled back, still holding my shoulders and smiling like a maniac. “I’m probably going to fail horribly, but at least I tried and I wouldn’t have tried if it weren’t for you. So thank you, Kellen Riley Coulter. You are my champion.”
I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, her words knocking the wind out of me. “Well, Jenna Marie Monroe,” I told her quietly, “you are worth fighting for.”
I held her eyes, wishing I could stay there with her forever. Wishing I could tell her everything right then and there so I would never have to walk away from her again. So I could be whole and hers and I could start to heal with her there; my star in the sky that would guide me home when the dark was too much.
But I couldn’t. Not then. Not yet, and I ached like a bastard inside because of it. When I looked at her I felt every missing piece of me. Every part of me that should have been there to love her, to support her, to argue with her, to simply talk to her. But those pieces were gone and I didn’t know that I’d ever get them back, but I hoped I’d find a way around them. I hoped it’d be like the boxing and my hand – knowing my weakness and working through it. I would have to relearn every instinct, learn to lead with my left instead of my right, rise to meet her instead of sink to hide from her, and it’d take time. It’d take patience, from both her and I, but I knew w
e’d get there eventually, because she was still with me. Even after everything I’d put her through, she was still with me. Waiting patiently. Accepting what she didn’t understand because she understood me and that was all the explanation she needed.
I knew we’d get there because I’d never stop trying for her the way she had always, always, always tried for me. Because we had promised each other.
Because we were brawlers, and we didn’t know how to give up.
Chapter Forty-One
Three weeks later, Jenna’s shop opened and I wasn’t there.
It was wrong, but I had a good reason. I had an interview for an EMT job. It was a first step on the road I was taking to becoming a firefighter. Now that I had my EMT certificate, I’d use it to get job experience while I went to school studying Fire Technology. They said on average it should take two years, but I had a lot of core college classes already locked away, so yet again, I was starting ahead of the curve. It felt different this time, though. It wasn’t like law school. I wasn’t killing myself to rush through it and I wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night with my gut in my throat and my dinner on the floor by my bed. I didn’t feel perfect, I still had the anxiety, but it was getting better. I was riding the tide and letting my life go where it would, something that was terrifyingly easy.
And where it wanted to go ninety-nine point nine percent of the time was straight to Jenna.
I still texted her every four days, but I called her as well. I made an effort to be more present, even if I was afraid to be physically present. Long and short of it was, I wanted to sleep with her again. Even knowing I wouldn’t be any more emotionally there with her than I was the last time, I still wanted her. The image of her in her Silk Spectre costume haunted me day and night, and the memory of what it felt like to hold her against me only made it worse, but I didn’t want to go there again. Not until she knew what she was getting into. Until she knew how fucked up and filthy I was.