by Linda Byler
She sighed with relief when Stephen’s horse responded to his “C’mon” and tug on the reins. Soon they were well out the drive and away from the house, safely out of earshot. Just as Stephen turned to look at her, asking how her week was, an earsplitting whistle sliced through the air. Stephen pulled back on the reins, grinning as Jason charged through the milkhouse door, his grin spreading widely across his face.
“Hey!”
“Hey, Jase.”
“What are you doing with Lizzie in your buggy? Do you have enough room for her?” Jason asked.
Lizzie could feel her face heating up, but Stephen laughed easily, reaching out and knocking Jason’s hat sideways.
“You can come along with us!” he said.
“There’s no room!”
Lizzie tried to laugh, which ended in a small giggle, and she turned toward Jason, glaring at him, her eyes telling him in no uncertain terms to go away and behave himself.
As they turned onto the road, the horse picked up speed, and Stephen pushed open the door on his side of the buggy to let in a burst of warm air.
“You want your window open?” he asked.
“It is warm enough. I’ll get it,” Lizzie said, reaching out to pull in the window before hooking it to the clasp on the ceiling.
They rode in silence for awhile until Stephen looked over at her. He cleared his throat.
“You’re so quiet today,” he said.
“I guess I am, Stephen,” Lizzie said. She added quickly, “It’s not you or anything. It’s just my Dat.”
Stephen lifted his eyebrows, looking at her with so much care and concern in his eyes she thought for one wild moment she would burst into tears, sobbing and hiccupping and snorting the way she used to when she was a small child.
She didn’t. Calmly, her breath catching in her throat, she told him how Dat fell through the doorway, about his doctor’s visit and the upcoming appointment at the huge hospital in Maryland.
Stephen listened without comment until she had finished, then he shook his head and said, “Wow.” Lizzie watched him as he shook his head again, as if he was trying to comprehend what she had said. He turned his head and watched the scenery on the other side, saying nothing. He said nothing at all for a very long time, but for some reason, Lizzie wasn’t uncomfortable. The silence wasn’t awkward because she knew this was just how Stephen was. Lizzie smiled to herself, thinking about all the times he disappeared and reappeared without making any sound at all.
When they came to Elam Zook’s home and Stephen turned in the drive, Lizzie’s heart began pounding with excitement. She tried to appear calm and composed, but deep down she knew this was quite an event, her very first date.
She felt a bit important, knowing it always caused a commotion when a couple started dating. She arranged her black apron carefully, adjusting her cape and straightening her new navy dress. Of course, she had to have a new dress. Mam always told her she looked best in dark colors like dark blue. Lizzie had chosen the rich, blue fabric because of the way the soft, thick material hung in graceful folds.
Her Uncle Marvin was unhitching his own horse as they approached, and he turned to greet them with a wide smile and raised eyebrows. Lizzie grinned back at him, casting a sidelong glance at Stephen who was trying to keep a straight face.
The whole day was special for Lizzie, and when Stephen came to ask her, a bit timidly, if she was ready to go with him to the hymn-singing, her heart swelled with pure happiness. What a feeling! It was just the greatest thing! She felt like Stephen was hers and she was his, an overwhelming feeling of belonging, of security and togetherness.
She took a deep breath, looking around at her group of friends to see who was watching, and answered a bit louder and slower than was absolutely necessary. “Yes, I am, Stephen. I’ll be right out,” she said, trying to bat her eyelashes and look a bit humble at the same time.
It didn’t work. As soon as Stephen was out of earshot, Mandy threw back her head and laughed an unladylike guffaw of pure, unrestrained mirth.
“Oh, my! You laid that on thick enough!”
Mandy batted her eyelashes while the other girls laughed, a bit hesitantly at first, but seeing Lizzie laugh with Mandy and get up to slap her arm affectionately, they burst into laughter.
“Hey, Mandy, give her a break. It’s her first date with him,” Mary Ann said, coming to Lizzie’s defense.
“See?” Lizzie said.
“That wasn’t so bad!” Mary Ann said.
Lizzie smiled at her, a smile of knowing and acceptance. Friends were just the best thing in the world—other than Stephen, anyway.
On the way home that evening, Lizzie and Stephen talked easily about all kinds of different subjects, or rather, Lizzie did most of the talking while Stephen listened, occasionally adding his flat “Wow.”
She became a bit nervous and ill at ease as they turned in the drive, wondering what would happen next. What if he didn’t like the food she had prepared for a snack? She hadn’t actually baked the chocolate whoopie pies herself or the cream cheese cupcakes either. Mam had taken care of all that since Lizzie hated to bake.
But there was nothing to worry about. John and Mandy had arrived home first and had already arranged an array of snacks on the kitchen table.
John and Stephen knew each other well, so they had a good time discussing numerous things until it was time for them to leave.
Lizzie walked with Stephen to the barn to help him with his horse, while John and Mandy remained on the porch swing.
She could sense Stephen’s nervousness as he was hitching up his horse and buggy. He didn’t say anything at all, but his movements were hurried.
Suddenly he went very still standing beside his horse, one arm crooked against the side of the harness. Lizzie stood quietly, waiting to see what he would say. Would he ask her for another date? Did he even want to continue seeing her? She lowered her head, kicking self-consciously at the graveled driveway.
“Lizzie.”
Her head snapped up. “Hmmm?”
“I don’t want you to continue dating if you’re not sure. Okay?”
“Wh … what do you mean?”
“I mean, this is very serious for me. You know how I’ve always felt since the first day we met. Don’t go on dating me if you don’t feel the same.”
Lizzie was bewildered. “But Stephen! You haven’t asked me yet!”
“I’m not going to.”
Her heart sank way down, miserably, horribly. This is it, then.
“Well, then …”
“Let’s think about it this week. I’ll probably see you Saturday evening then, all right? G’night, Lizzie.”
She stepped back, bewildered, surprised, humiliated even. “G’night.”
The gravel crunched under the buggy wheels as he drove out the lane at a good clip, leaving her standing on the darkened slope before she turned to make her way slowly into the house.
“Wow,” she breathed.
Chapter 15
A FEW WEEKS BEFORE school started, on a hot August day, Charlie Zimmerman drove his battered old pickup truck in the drive, parked at the end of the sidewalk, and honked the horn loudly.
Mam and Lizzie were husking corn under the walnut tree, and when Mam saw Charlie drive in, she gasped, her hand over her heart. “Oh, I wonder!” she breathed. Quickly, she laid down the brush and the ear of corn she was holding and hurried to the pickup truck.
Lizzie watched, holding her breath in anticipation as Charlie smiled as he talked. When Mam said, “Oh, my!” with both hands held to her mouth, Lizzie dumped her corn from her lap and raced over.
“What? What?” she asked excitedly.
“Joshua and Emma have a little boy!” was all Mam could manage to say. She laughed and cried, she smoothed her apron over her stomach, pulled her covering over her ears, threw back her covering strings, and said, “Oh, my!” at least three times. Charlie beamed as she ran quickly to the barn, calling for Dat in a voice thic
k with tears.
Lizzie smiled at Charlie.
“Sorry, I guess she’s a bit overwhelmed.”
Charlie placed a hand on her shoulder, saying, “She has reason to be. She has reason to be.”
Dat appeared at the barn door with Mam, a huge grin on his face. Charlie pumped Dat’s hand up and down, congratulating him on his first grandson as Mam stood beside them and pulled her covering over her ears again. The three of them stood talking while Lizzie returned to the wheelbarrow load of corn, her thoughts spinning.
Emma had confided in Lizzie in a recent letter that she was “in the family way,” as she put it. Amish families didn’t talk very much about babies before they arrived. Lizzie hadn’t even known about Mandy and Jason until after they were born.
She was very happy that Emma had a son, but this was some time to have a baby! August, right before school started, with all the canning and freezing. Someone would need to go and stay with Joshua and Emma, and although she desperately wanted to go, she knew she should stay at home and work on school projects.
That evening when Mandy came home from work, Lizzie and Mandy had a fierce argument about who would be allowed to go to stay with Emma. Lizzie wanted to go with all her heart, and so did Mandy. Mam settled it by saying she would go the first few days, and after that Lizzie could stay till the end of the week, and Mandy could go for the whole week after that. Lizzie grumbled because Mandy got to stay longer, and Mandy grumbled that Lizzie could go first.
No one wanted to see Mam stay at Joshua’s for a few days, but Dat said Emma needed Mam more than the rest of the family did, and they would all be just fine without her. First, though, they would all go to Allen County to see the baby and drop off Mam.
The corn was finished in record time that evening as they chattered about the baby. When they were finished, Mandy fairly hopped up and down with her eyes shining as she ran to the phone shanty to call John with the news.
Lizzie scrubbed the kitchen floor after the last of the corn had been taken to the cold storage in town. Mandy was so lucky to have a 100 percent steady boyfriend, whom she could trust completely and tell him everything she knew.
Lizzie knew she would love to be able to share this happy event with Stephen. But, oh, no, he hadn’t asked her for a date for the coming weekend. It irked her. Kind of. Why didn’t he ask her out again? Probably so she would wonder all week long if he really liked her or not. He told her he cared about her. Then why didn’t he ask her?
The next day the whole family went to see the new baby. When they arrived, Joshua’s and Emma’s house was quiet, the gas lamp in the living room hissing softly as the evening shadows lengthened across the house.
Mam reached the small white bassinet next to the sofa, oohing and aahing as she expertly picked up the small blue bundle inside. Emma got up from the rocking chair, beaming with happiness. Joshua’s face reflected his joy as Dat exclaimed how the baby was every inch his father’s son.
Lizzie took a good long look at Emma’s little son, Mark, and decided he was actually really quite cute for a baby boy. He wasn’t deep dark red or grotesquely swollen like some newborns. His eyes were little half moons, with a button nose, well, bigger than a cute button, but a nice nose, and his tiny little mouth puckered into a bow.
Lizzie looked at Baby Mark, then a bit dubiously at Jason. Now there was a case of one of life’s greatest mysteries. She remembered very well the shock she felt when Mam came home from the hospital with Jason. He had been alarmingly homely looking, and most of his young life Lizzie had pitied him because of his wild-looking curls. But as he was growing into a young man, she thought he was the most handsome person she had ever seen, now that his curly hair was under control. He had blue-gray eyes with thick curly lashes and a kind smile that melted anyone’s heart. So who knew? This cute baby might not be very good-looking at all when he got older.
Joshua and Emma both looked well and happy, so Lizzie decided it must not be too traumatic to have a baby. The biggest test was probably going to be in the coming weeks since a helpless infant could really scream. Babies yelled and cried horribly at times until you were reduced to a quivering mass of nerves and crying yourself. Like Mam had been with Jason.
Lizzie tried hard to put those thoughts to the back of her mind, focusing instead on how cute Mark was and how happy and relaxed Emma looked, her love for Joshua shining from her eyes every time she glanced at him.
Lizzie returned later that week to stay with Emma and Baby Mark. She enjoyed her time with Emma immensely. Working for your sister was definitely more fun than working for someone else, Lizzie thought. It was so easy to relax at Emma’s house, feeling right at home, getting something to eat when she was hungry, asking to take a nap when she was sleepy, and learning all the while to appreciate a newborn baby.
Mark very seldom cried, and when he did, Emma could always quiet him easily. She would feed him or throw a soft white diaper over one shoulder and hold him there, his soft little face snuggled against the flannel diaper. Emma rocked him in her pretty new rocker while Lizzie curled up on the sofa. They had long, serious conversations while Emma cuddled her newborn.
“But, Lizzie,” Emma said, smiling, “I am so happy for you, starting to really, truly find your life partner.”
Lizzie eyed Emma skeptically. “What do you mean, ‘life partner?’ You don’t know for certain, Emma.”
“No, I don’t. That’s true. But … I don’t know. Mam always had this feeling …”
“Mam’s feelings aren’t always right.”
Emma stopped rocking as she watched Lizzie closely. “Why are you so testy about this subject?”
“You mean I should be all starry-eyed and gushing about how much I’m in love? Well, surprise! Maybe I’m not.”
Lizzie picked at a loose thread in the blue and white afghan on the arm of the sofa. She smoothed a finger nervously across the arch of one eyebrow as her eyes fell before Emma’s.
“Don’t you like Stephen, Lizzie? Nobody said you have to date him. I mean it’s your individual choice.”
“He doesn’t like me!” Lizzie spat out, annoyed at the huge lump beginning to form in her throat.
Emma began rocking again, patting Mark’s back nervously with her hand. “Now that, Lizzie, I do not believe.”
Lizzie lifted bewildered eyes to Emma. “You don’t?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, then, why didn’t he ask me for a second date? He said we should both think about it for awhile. Now that was a dumb thing for him to say. It just makes it seem as if he isn’t sure if he likes me, or if he wants to date me seriously. I mean, what in the world is there to think about?”
“Lizzie, it seems bold of me to say this maybe, but for someone as smart as you are in book learning—a teacher even …”
She caught her breath as she let out a low laugh. “Remember how desperately I tried to keep up with you at school?”
“No. I forgot.”
“Anyway, you can be so simple and dense and blind. Lizzie, think! Why wouldn’t Stephen want you to think this over? He has always adored you, no, actually, adored the ground you walked on, and you never, not once, worried about his feelings. First, there was Joe and John, then Amos, and through all that …” Emma stopped.
“Neither Joe or John wanted me,” Lizzie burst out. “Amos didn’t either.”
“Well, you know what I mean. Mam told you over and over to pray for God’s will, and did you ever? Huh? Did you?”
“Sometimes. But, Emma, I know I’m older now, but sometimes God still seems way out of reach. Honest. Sometimes when I pray my prayers bounce against the ceiling and fall right back down. I feel silly on my knees.”
Emma watched Lizzie seriously. “You should have joined the church earlier.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you would be more comfortable with God if you gave your life over to him. You never really thought about that, did you?”
“Well, not
really. I didn’t want to join church too early. You have to be so plain and can’t do one fun thing. Besides, this joining the church thing is all about the ordnung and obeying the rules, and I can do that anytime.”
“No, Lizzie, joining church is so much more. It’s learning how to live for Jesus Christ, your Savior, after you realize that you are a sinner and want to live a better life.”
“Oh.”
That was all Lizzie said. How could she confess to Emma the fear in her soul? How could she tell anyone that she was scared to death to actually come right out and admit to God that she was a sinner? She was afraid of God as it was, always trying to assure herself that she wasn’t all that much of a sinner.
She still couldn’t quite figure this whole thing out. If you confessed that you were a real sinner who was going to go to hell, you had to depend on something to help you out of that. Lizzie still was not convinced that she wasn’t at least somewhat good enough to make her way to heaven. She helped Mam with the work at home, she wasn’t outright terribly disobedient, and she even helped with the milking. Now that was a chore she absolutely hated with a passion, but she did it without complaining too much.
She threw the afghan off her lap, sat up, and smiled at Emma.
“Why don’t you lay him down and we’ll each make ourselves a cup of peppermint tea and a toasted cheese sandwich? I’m hungry.”
Emma smiled back, relieved to see the dark look on Lizzie’s face turn to a lighter one.
Their cups of tea steaming between them, they sat down together. The rich, buttery smell of the sandwiches made the kitchen seem warm and homey, Lizzie thought. Even as she felt the dark cloud of doubt return.
“What?” Emma asked, as only sisters can ask, that perfect opening when one perceives that something is troubling the other.
Lizzie swirled a spoon in her tea.
“This sinner thing, Emma. I know Jesus died on the cross for us, and I understand that. The new birth they preach about is all over my head. I don’t get that, really, and Mam said I don’t have to, that I will in time, that we can’t of ourselves become born again.