“What if—”
“None of that.” He tapped the raft. “Sit.”
“Well, I almost died once. What the heck.”
He laughed, his breath swirling amidst snow flakes. I sat down and held the handles next to me, worrying my grip wouldn’t be tight enough. He sat across from me and smiled like a mischievous four-year-old up to no good. I attempted to smile back.
He counted to three and pushed off the snow with his hand. We whirled into circles so fast I didn’t have time to crawl back to safety. The world spun behind him as I held on for dear life. Then something happened.
My worry shifted to excitement and my adrenaline kicked in. Midway down the hill Vasili screamed, “Wahoo,” and waved his hands in the air like a toddler would. I laughed so hard I forgot we were now twenty feet from a row of trees. I shrieked as he pulled the handles like a race horse and leaned back. We slid to a stop only a few feet from a tree trunk. Out of breath, he fell back into the snow and laughed.
I looked around. At him. At the snowflakes. At the wispy hills and snow-capped trees. He was right. I felt like a kid again. And I liked it.
“Let’s do it again,” I yelled.
He popped up. “Really?”
I smiled. “Yes.”
“I’ve never seen you smile so big.”
I touched my mouth and felt my scarf instead. “How can you tell?”
“Your eyes.”
“After the accident my mom stayed by my side almost the entire time. She said she could tell when I needed more pain medication or rest or food or just about anything by the look in my eyes.”
“Your eyes are deep. I’ve noticed that from the start.”
“You’re the only person besides her to say that.” I looked down. “What about Natalie?”
“Follow me.” He pointed toward a path that seemed to go around the hill. We began walking and he continued, “She’s different. You’re reflective. She’s too busy looking out to look in.”
“How’d you guys meet?”
“Freshman year of high school. I sat next to her in Algebra and swore I’d marry her.”
“Wow. You’ve been together almost twenty years?”
“No. We were friends at first, then dated a little our senior year. She went to California for college and I stayed here for school.” He drew in a breath, then another. “She came back and we ran into each other at the grocery store. We were both getting bananas. She calls it love at second sight.”
“What do you love about her?”
“She has a good heart. I know my family doesn’t agree and after what she’s said to you, maybe you don’t either. She is book smart. Her grades in school were incredible and she had a scholarship to every school she applied for. She’s just not the smartest socially. She says things at the wrong time and it makes her seem a little out there, but I always loved that about her. Even if people hate her, she’s not afraid to be herself.” We finally reached the top of the hill. “I could give you a million reasons I love her. The better question to ask is ... what does she love about me?”
“Well ... what?”
He shrugged. “Beats me.”
“Oh, come on.”
“Ask her sometime.” He helped me on to the raft. “And fill me in.”
“You seem to really love her. I hope someday I find someone like you.” Did I really just say that? “I mean, who loves me like that. I’m content now. After everything with James I’m content to be single for life, I think.”
He sat across from me. “What happened with that?”
“With James?”
He nodded.
“I’ll explain over some hot tea when we go inside.” I leaned forward and squeezed the handles. “I’m ready.”
He grinned and shoved us into a spinning adventure. Amazing how similar it felt to a roller coaster ride. I couldn’t get enough. When we got to the bottom I begged to go again.
“I don’t know,” he said. “You sure? The snow is picking up.”
“Maybe I am getting a tad ahead of myself.” I pulled the scarf from my mouth and inhaled. “This just feels so good.”
We admired the real life snow globe for a few more minutes, then forced our legs to carry us back.
We changed and warmed up inside. Eleni and Kyriakos were gone. Yanni and Sophia were sleeping in Anastasia’s room. I put on a kettle of water and Vasili set two mugs on the counter, then backed away.
“I still get uncomfortable with hot water around,” he said.
“Yeah. I still flinch when people light a fireplace.” I shuddered. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go camping again.”
“I don’t blame you.” He leaned against the counter as I poured the water over the tea bags. “So, what happened with James? Is he still bothering you?”
“He’s never bothered me.” I opened the refrigerator. “Do you like milk in your tea?”
“Never tried it.”
“Are you serious?”
“Is it that good?”
I grabbed the sugar canister. “What about sugar?”
“Yes to that.” He smiled. “I thought you didn’t eat sugar?”
“I concede for a good cup of delightful tea.” I realized I was standing on my toes and pursing my lips.
“Are you advertising for tea now?”
“Are you buying?”
He laughed as I stirred the milk and sugar into both cups.
“Don’t you love that sound?” I said, stirring once more. “Nothing like the clang of a spoon against a tea cup.”
He laughed again. “You’re quite the tea lady.”
“I like that.” I brought the steamy mug to my lips and inhaled the sweet aroma. “The tea lady.”
I handed him his cup and we made our way to the couches. The soft glow from the Christmas tree lights blanketed the room with an amber hue. No other lights were on. I had never spent a Christmas Eve without my family, but at Sophia’s I felt at home. These people really became family to me. I still missed my own, but Anastasia was worth being away for Christmas and my family agreed.
“I should get going soon,” I said, realizing it was after midnight.
“After tea I’ll drive you home. Weather looks pretty bad.” He sipped his tea and raised his eyebrows. “Wow. That’s the best tea I’ve ever had.”
“Oh, stop.” I waved his words away. “Don’t make fun.”
“I’m serious.” He started gulping.
“Whoa, whoa. Tea is to be savored, not gulped.”
He looked up, grinning from behind his mug. “So, will you get back with James?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why?”
“I’m not ready for that right now. Not with him. Not with anyone. Probably never.”
“Never what?”
I cupped my hands around the warm mug and reclined on the love seat so that I was facing Vasili. He did the same on the couch.
“Never ... you know.” Why did I suddenly feel shy with him?
“Never be in a relationship?”
I nodded without meeting his eyes.
“That’s ridiculous. A girl like you—” He stopped himself. “There’s no reason for you to rule out marriage.”
“There are a lot of reasons, if you ask me.”
“Like what?”
“Have you looked at me?”
“All the time.”
I tried to ignore that. He meant nothing by it. He couldn’t. He loved Natalie. The beautiful girl with a ring the size of my head on her finger.
“Well,” I said. “Then you know I’m not exactly pretty.”
“Would you quit doing that?” A subtle agitation rose in his voice.
“Doing what
?”
“Thinking so negatively of yourself.”
“I’m not. It is what it is. The mirror tells me so.”
“Have you ever thought for once that when you look in the mirror you are hyper aware of your flaws? When the rest of us may see something different. Like a teenager with a pimple. She doesn’t focus on her beautiful eyes and cute lips, she zeros in on the one tiny flaw and goes nuts over it.” He put his hands behind his head and looked at the ceiling. “You need to stop obsessing over your scars. It’s only a quarter of your face and I can’t tell you the last time I noticed.”
“It’s not just that.” My pulse quickened. “My chest. It’s gone. Every bit.”
He sat up and looked me right in the eyes. “And?”
“And ... I’m not ... It just wouldn’t be kind of me to subject some poor man to a breastless wife with most of her body scarred.”
“Kind of you?”
I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t stop the single tear that escaped my walls. Neither of us said a word for minutes. Our empty tea cups cooled as we stared at the Christmas tree.
“I got you something,” I said. “It’s in my bag. There beside you.”
He reached to the ground and pulled the silver-wrapped rectangle from my bag. I motioned for him to go on. After peeling all of the paper off, he surveyed the picture with serious eyes.
“Do you like it?” My words seemed to snap him out of a trance.
“I do. How did you know?”
“It’s part of a series. The one in your living room is the first of three. The entire series is called ‘Out of Adversity.’” I hoped he didn’t realize it was me who photographed them. “That’s the second of the three.”
“How did you find it? It wasn’t signed. I couldn’t figure out who the photographer was.”
“I’m a photographer, remember? I have my connections.”
“Thank you.” He held eye contact again. “Seriously, Sarah. Thank you.”
I woke up to Vasili staring at the photograph I gave him. He looked tired, but not as tired as me.
“I fell asleep.” I rolled to my side. “What time is it?”
“Three.” He yawned. “Just sleep. It’s too late and roads are bad. Do you have meds for tomorrow?”
I nodded. “Yes. Thanks to Ella the Organization Queen, I come prepared.”
“Good. Sleep then.”
Sophia woke me up, shaking my shoulder and screaming. She coughed into her shirt. I couldn’t move. Someone tied me to the couch. Panicking, I tugged at the ropes and wailed. The Christmas tree, on fire, engulfed the living room into flames. I couldn’t see Vasili. Or anyone. Only Sophia as she ran out the front door and left me tied to the couch.
“It’s just a dream. Wake up, Sarah.” Vasili’s voice.
I opened my eyes to a bright living room. Rays of sun catching everything in sight.
“What was it?” He was holding my hand and kneeling on the floor beside me. “You were flipping out.”
“Did I wake anyone?”
“No. You didn’t make sounds. Just started shaking your head like crazy.”
“When will the nightmares end? They’re terrible. So real.” He helped me sit up.
Sophia entered the living room and jumped. “Oh. You guys scared me. What are you doing here so early?”
“We slept on the couches.” Vasili stood and rubbed his eyes. “How is she?”
“I was just coming out to call you.” Her hands were shaking. “Her breathing is labored. I called Laura and a few others. They think she has a few hours to a couple of days left.”
“She made it to Christmas,” Vasili said.
“And some Christmas it is.” Sophia leaned into the back of the couch, hanging her head so her face was masked by her hair.
“She wouldn’t want you to think like that, Sophia. Try to be strong. She’s okay. She’s not scared.”
Sophia whipped her head back and breathed hard and fast, then paced behind the couch.
“Calm down. Please. For her.” Vasili tried to reach toward her, but pulled back.
“This is my daughter.” She paced in another tight circle. “My baby. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hold my little girl knowing that in just a few days some guys are going to come and force me to put her dead body on a stretcher? Do you have any idea what that’s like?” Hyperventilating, she tapped her chest as though her heart needed help beating, then fell to the floor.
Vasili and I knelt beside her. No words. Just our hands on her back as she wet the floor with her heartbreak and occasionally murmured, “My baby. No. Why my baby?”
I wanted to take it away. I wanted to sweep up the broken pieces of her heart and make them whole again. But I couldn’t. Her baby would soon be gone. And the hole in her chest would never be fixed.
Could never be.
I rubbed her back, praying that somehow, together, we’d all have the strength to deal with the colossal wounds in our chests.
Twenty one
Sweeping strands of sunlight sat atop the mounds of snow as Anastasia’s breathing slowed. Her eyes, closed ever so gently, may never see daylight again, I thought inside as I divided my gaze between her peaceful face to the peaceful face of the earth outside her window.
The curtains billowed from the flow of heat beneath them as squirrels skipped along the backyard. For a suburban house, their backyard seemed to have no end.
I watched Anastasia. Vasili, Sophia, and Yanni did too. Eleni and Kyriakos were on their way, but the messy streets would make it difficult. According to Laura, many of these children experience complications near the end of their battle, but thankfully Anastasia’s last moments of life, so far, proved uneventful. As serene as her.
I think we all secretly hoped Anastasia would open her eyes and warm our hearts with her smile. One last time. But somehow I doubted.
I put on a kettle and started the coffee maker. Not sure anyone would want it at the moment, but I needed to busy myself. The melancholy look on Yanni and Sophia’s faces pained me. With each tick of the clock we knew we were a step closer to holding a lifeless child. I listened to the coffee machine gurgle as I begged God to take me instead, knowing that my requests wouldn’t be granted.
Vasili stepped beside me. “You okay?”
“Are you?”
He nodded. “I have peace about it.”
“How?” A surge of frustration prickled my mind. “How can you have peace when everything is so messed up? I should be dead right now. Not like this.” I sighed. “She should be alive. Not me.”
“Maybe. Maybe we can spend our lives thinking of should’s and should not’s. Or maybe we can accept what actually is and believe that there’s some kind of purpose in it.”
“But it’s not fair. I didn’t want to live. I woke up in the hospital and begged to die. I dreamed of someone slipping me pills to end it all easily. And here I am. Alive. When other people who actually want to live shouldn’t be dying.”
“You don’t want to live?”
I shook my head. “I’m okay with it now.”
“That’s not what I asked.” He waited for me to respond, but I didn’t. “I don’t admire that. Death isn’t some kind of escape from life. There’s no such thing. Besides, a few scars on your body is not a big deal. There are others who have no limbs and manage to enjoy life.”
“I know, I know.” I pulled a few mugs from the cabinet. “Want tea?”
“Coffee. Thanks.”
“I’m just saying ... it’s hard to watch someone so full of life die.”
He nodded. “I could say the same about you. Don’t have to take your last breath to die, you know?”
We sipped our warm drinks in silence, then brought coffee to Yanni and Sophia.
Yanni held A
nastasia’s hand as he stroked her hair with the other, while Sophia curled up beside her daughter and kissed her head every few seconds.
Hours passed. My body ached from sledding and my skin felt tighter than usual. I sat in a comfy chair in the corner of the room and tried to process the scene before me.
At some point I woke up. Everything looked the same. Except I was covered in a blanket. Vasili sat on the floor beside me with headphones in his ears and an iPad on his lap. I glanced down to see what he was doing. Looked like reading. He yanked the headphones from his ears and mouthed, “Feeling okay?”
I nodded.
Sophia gasped and Yanni stood.
“Is that it?” Sophia cried, pulling her daughter into her chest and looking into her husband’s eyes. “Is she gone?”
He nodded his head.
Vasili inched toward the bed and made a cross symbol over her body, then guided some kind of black rope through his fingers. I noticed he stopped on each knot and held it a few seconds, then moved to the next.
Anastasia’s arms fell limp beside her body as Sophia sobbed and drenched them both in tears. I felt wrong being there for such an intimate moment. Vasili must’ve sensed it, because he walked over to me and said, “She wanted you here. So do we.”
I nodded, but kept my distance.
After an hour, Sophia calmed down and let Yanni hold Anastasia. Kyriakos and Eleni entered the room and immediately welled up. I retreated to the bathroom and cried where no one could see. Such a beautiful life ... over. Just like that.
Throughout my life I attended a total of four funerals, but never watched someone take their last breath.
Sobering.
I thought of the photographs we took and the slideshow she had me make. Reality seeped its way in. Only a few weeks ago her funeral was just a plan. Not a reality.
Now, the world was a little darker. A little less colorful.
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