by Em Pitts
"Much." I nodded. I realized I was just standing there awkwardly. "I should get back to the tavern."
Isaake stood up. "I'll walk you." He offered. I thought about it and made a split-second decision.
"Actually, can Ollie walk me?" I looked at the moody leader of the group. "I wanted to talk to you."
He nodded and stood up to take Isaake's place. I noticed Isaake biting his lip as we walked towards the entrance. "Tess, wait up for a second." He came over carrying the journal I drew in earlier. "Here." He thrust it out to me. "Keep it."
I took it confused. "Do you need me to try drawing the clock again?"
"No, it's for Abby." He shook his head as if trying to clear it. "I mean it's for you to give to Abby. I figured you could write in it each night. Tell her something from that day. So, when you get back you can give it to her." He shrugged his shoulders. "That way she is with you, even while you're here."
I was speechless. My stomach was swirling, and my eyes were filling. Honestly, I couldn't pinpoint the emotions churning in me at his thoughtfulness. One thing I knew trumped them all though. Gratitude. I didn't think, I just jumped into his arms and wrapped myself around him tight.
"Thank you." I choked out. His arms came around me and held me for long as I needed. Eventually, I had to let go. I was wiping tears back even as a smile stretched across my face.
I didn't look at the other's reaction because it didn't matter right then. Isaake just gave me one of the greatest gifts and nothing could take that moment from me. He just gave me peace at being closer to Abby and hope at getting to see her again. A soft smile graced Isaake’s lips in return, he seemed relieved of my reaction.
I left waving my goodbyes to everyone, the journal clutched tightly to my chest. I couldn't wait to tell Abby everything that's happened so far.
Maybe I was always courageous or maybe it was being in a different time zone that made me this way. I confronted Nick about something sensitive and stormed after Isaake when he walked away. Now I was going to confront Ollie about the weird tension/distance feeling I keep getting from him.
I'd like to think the truth is that I am just an awesome person that decided to live my life however I decided, even when the people around me keep trying to show me I have no control. But I admit, being in a different time period is kind of like going to a different town than the one you grew up in and live: I grew a set of balls because no one here knows me.
Regardless, Ollie's behavior was kind of pissing me off. I don't know when he started treating me this way exactly, but he most definitely was nicer towards the beginning of our interactions. Time to find out why he is pissed at me.
"What's your problem?" I demanded.
"I beg your pardon?" He stopped walking to face me. I admit I could have been smoother with that delivery. Maybe my newly grown balls have given me a giant dick syndrome. News flash, big balls do not need to equal being a dick.
I waved my hands with the journal still clutched in one trying to erase my words and try again. "I mean," I stressed, "What is your problem with me?" There I delivered that speech much smoother, although I couldn’t erase the bite in my words.
"I have no problem with you." He grunted out and started walking again.
"I really miss the fast traveling tunnel thing," I muttered under my breath as I caught up and kept pace. "Why are you avoiding me then?"
"I'm not."
It's like talking to a brick wall.
"Okay." I drug out the word, clearly showing I didn't believe him. "So, you're not avoiding me on purpose. You're not acting more callous towards me or pretending I don't exist." I nodded my head sarcastically. "Yeah, that makes sense."
"Or I'm just not glued to your ass like the others are becoming. Because I have other things to do that don't involve you." He added with a raised brow.
Ouch. Harsh, but also accurate. Maybe I was seeing things that didn't exist because I was getting used to the attention from the other guys. I don't need his attention too. Just because he isn't falling over to do my bidding, doesn't mean he has a problem with me.
A wave of shame washed over me. Was I making a big deal about a guy not falling head over heels to give me attention? On top of my new balls and big dick syndrome, I might as well add idiocy. No wonder hot guys with nice packages are always airheads. They can't help that it comes with the jewels.
“I’m sorry,” I added much more subdued. “You’re right.”
He blew out a breath. “I don’t have a problem with you, Tessa.”
“Okay.” I agreed with him. He scoffed as if he didn’t believe me but didn’t seem to care either. “You still have a stick up your ass though,” I added.
“I don’t have a stick up my ass.” He replied seriously. I wanted to laugh at him because I wasn’t sure he understood the expression.
“There is something bothering you.” I held up my free hand when he went to speak, halting his words. “Maybe you aren’t avoiding me. But something is bothering you enough that you’ve almost rubbed a bald patch out of your beard.” I pointed out and watched him scowl as he dropped his hand from doing just that. “I’m just saying you can talk to me if you need to.”
I was wrong. I was not becoming a badass, I was becoming a therapist. Maybe it is a career I should look into when I get back home.
“Why would I talk to you about my problems?” He asked genuinely confused. “The only thing you are worried about is getting back home. That’s all you should be focused on.” He added with a headshake.
And now I’m the selfish bitch. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I quit the therapist gig. It isn’t working out for me.
I stayed silent as we continued to walk. It wasn’t long until we saw the training field ahead in the distance. Unlike the previous week, the training area was practically empty. The trials really did seem to be a time to rouse peace.
Glancing over at Ollie, I noticed he could use some peace as well. We may have been silent, but his mind was clearly working overtime. The poor man was stressing and rubbing his beard constantly. Then he would scowl as if realizing what he was doing before dropping his hand.
It was on another of these instances that I snapped and grabbed his hand halting our movement. “Enough already.” I scowled at him. “Either talk about it with me or find another way to get it out of your system.”
His eyes held mine and heated. Was he seeing me in that way? No, it couldn’t be lust. The guy barely tolerated me. “I’m fine.” He jerked his arm away and made to walk again.
“Sit!” I demanded not willing to put up with this the rest of the walk. I asked him to come with me to solve our problems, not to deal with his mood the entire time. When he made no move to sit, I decided to take a seat on the side of the dirt road and wait for him to join me.
“You’re serious?” He asked incredulously.
“What, afraid you’re going to dirty your pants?” I raised an eyebrow. “I told you, either talk about it or find another way to get it out of your system. This whole moody, silent thing you’ve got going,” I waved my hand encompassing all of him, “It’s not as sexy as you think.”
We stared each other down for almost a minute before he plopped in the grass beside me. He even went further, to lay back and shield his eyes from the sun with an arm thrown over his face. I placed my journal beside me and laid back to join him.
“So, let’s hear it. What has got you riled up?” He grunted and refused to say anything else. I sighed exasperatedly. “I said to—”
“Talk about it or find another way. I heard you.”
I turned onto my side to face him. I was confused on if he was finding another way or if he was going to just start his grunting and silent complaining laying down instead.
“Is your other way going to sleep? Because sleeping on it only works on making decisions. Putting off your problems creates more stress and that stress will still be there when you wake up from your nap.”
“Trust me, I know. Do me
a favor and be quiet.”
“Sure thing. But if you go to sleep, I’m dumping a handful of sand on your face for making me wait beside you while you napped.” I groused and laid on my back.
“No one is making you wait.” He turned towards me and propped his head on his hand.
“You guys insist on walking me when I’m with you.” I defended. I didn’t even think about just going on ahead and leaving him though. I felt him studying me and fought the urge to squirm.
“What’s your problem?” He threw my words back at me. Fair enough.
“My mother didn’t love me.” I deadpanned. “Your turn.” I looked him in the eye and dared him to answer back.
“My father didn’t love me.” He answered back just as straight-faced. Something shifted in his eyes telling me he was being honest though. And that there was a hell of a lot more he wasn't saying.
“I have problems connecting with people and struggle to have a healthy relationship with anyone.” I quipped unsure of why I was opening up to him. Maybe I considered it a game? Who’s the most fucked up?
“The girl I wished to marry was killed because she was Indian.” He volleyed back.
What. The. Fuck? I searched his eyes and saw the pain of his truth. It was an old pain, but still very visible. Is that what was on his mind? Fuck. There’s no magic cure for loss. It rips and shreds and the damaged pieces get left behind forgotten. I can’t help him fix this, only he can pick himself up from that loss when he chooses to.
“You win.” I squeaked out.
“That’s all you’ve got?” He scoffed. He wanted to continue. There are more painful problems in the past for him. I hated to disappoint him, but I couldn’t top losing someone he cared for. Nor, would I try.
I cringed my face and admitted my next truth. “I peed my pants in the third grade.” At his scrunched eyebrows I continued. “School. I peed my pants in the third grade in school.”
“How old is the third grade?”
“I was eight. It was during a test.” I hated remembering that time when I kept raising my hand, but the teacher never saw me. The kids never forgot either.
Ollie’s bark of laughter surprised me. He rolled onto his back clutching his stomach. I rolled towards him and pushed his side. It wasn’t that funny. “Where you whipped?” He questioned as he sobered slightly.
“No. I was given clean clothes and went back to class.” He shook his head in wonder and looked up at the sky still smiling. I watched as the smile slowly slid off his face.
“I wish I lived in your time.” He admitted quietly.
My stomach gave a ping of pain. I wished he did too. I wished I could take all of them back with me. Ollie, Nick, Isaake, Raynor, and even Granny. I wished I could show them the freedom that they can only imagine. But I don’t even know if I can get myself back. That pain deepened.
I’m not sure what I was thinking at the moment, but I needed comfort and so did he. It felt natural as my hand found his jaw, my fingers tracing along the soft shortened hairs. He closed his eyes and let me.
It wasn’t strange, even though it should have been. It was comforting. I lightly scraped my nails across his cheek mimicking the action I’ve seen him do so often.
“You need to leave your beard alone if you want to keep it,” My voice was soft and made me realize I needed to get out of this weird moment. Ollie must have thought so too.
His hand covered mine and stopped my motion. Ollie was on his feet a moment later offering me a hand up. Once, we were both standing I was facing him and watched his expression shift emotions too quickly for me to keep up. I can’t read this guy and it’s confusing me.
“I am avoiding you.” He admitted then turned and walked towards the tavern.
I was shocked still and quickly realized that he wasn’t going to wait for me to catch up. I snatched the journal up and ran to be even with him. His rigid posture made me choose not to question his comment on why he was avoiding me. His body language was screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer anymore anyway. It might not make any sense. He doesn’t make any sense. But he always offers me a hand up, like a gentleman. What a strange man.
It was just getting dark when I arrived at the tavern. There were people about, but not as many. I walked through the back door choosing to avoid everyone. Ollie barely grunted out a goodbye before he scurried off.
I could hear Granny from the kitchen still busy. I honestly was not in the mood to deal with anyone else tonight though. Instead, I chose to creep to my room and wash up after everyone went to sleep. I clutched my journal to my chest ready to reconnect with Abby again.
Luckily, there was a pen in each room on the desk beside the beds. A bible laid there as well; I never chose to open it though. I set up the ink close to the bed so it was easy to reach but wouldn't get knocked over.
I laid on my stomach on the bed opening the journal and readying myself like a teenager with a diary. I knew just how to start it too. Dear Abby.
I wrote of my first day burning, of my arm being healed completely, the guys not understanding me, yet offering to help anyway. I told her about the creepy judge, grumpy Bridget, and selfish Jayne. I mentioned church and the constant judgment during this time and how lucky we had it in the future. I kept jumping places when I remembered something I had forgotten and laughing when I thought of how she was going to react to the things she read.
Before I knew it, I had written seven pages worth. The silence that greeted me made me realize how late it had gotten. I stretched my arms and yawned as I got off the bed and placed my journal on the nightstand. I still needed to bathe and wash this dress before I went to sleep. Deciding I didn't need warm water, I pumped the water from the well and filled the tub as it was. The cold was enough to wake me up fully as I washed and then cleaned the dress.
I brushed my teeth and thought about the journal and everything I wrote for Abby. Something was bugging me in the back of my mind. I couldn't figure out what it was though. I felt like I was missing something. I'm sure I was just thinking of something else I needed to tell Abby. I went over everything that happened since I had arrived.
Somehow my thoughts drifted to the guys who were constantly a part of my time here. Almost all the big moments here, were with them in it. I found myself smiling at the memory of Raynor's playground. Then I was laughing quietly at myself at the thought of how bold I was by making Nick play with my hair during our card game.
What was I doing?
I frowned at myself. I was acting like I had a crush on them or something. Thinking of moments before bed and giggling at the thoughts.
Shaking my head, I laid down and tried to think of anything else. Something for Abby to enjoy when I tell her. Like how she would tease me when she learned that Isaake got me that journal just for that purpose. Or how she would pick on me about going along with Ellyne to tease Ollie. I bet Abby would get along with Ellyne. Both could join in on the torture of finding Ollie and me partners, little matchmakers in crime.
I shook my head and rolled over smothering myself in the pillow. I was doing it again. Thinking about the guys and smiling for no damn reason.
I jumped up and grabbed the journal fully intending on writing some more about anything but the four men. Another thought struck me instead that could keep me busy until my mind shuts down enough to go to sleep.
I could write to Hope instead, make her something special she might enjoy. It will have nothing to do with the guys, so I won't be thinking of them at all. I smiled in satisfaction and ripped out the number of pages I would need to design her a book. Thankfully my drawing skills were average enough to include pictures. Hope was going to love this! I just wish I had some coloring crayons.
17
I was tired when I woke up but made myself get out of bed. When I spotted the journal and booklet laying on the desk waiting for me, I smiled at the thought of giving them to the two girls.
; After getting dressed I tucked the booklet into the waistband of my apron. The guys would be looking for the clock today. I had to work still, but I figured I could stop by and give the booklet to Hope before I went to see Margrete. I was excited to see what she thought of it.
No one was in the kitchen, so I decided to tempt fate again and recreate the dumplings taking Granny's advice from yesterday. I have an issue leaving problems alone until they are fixed. My cooking is just one of those problems, right now. Despite Abby picking on me, I’m not a terrible cook in my time. I’m starting to realize, that might have something to do with directions and temperature control. I was quicker today and more confident of myself after trying yesterday.
Granny entered while the dumplings were still boiling, and I was cleaning the workspace. She gave me a nod and went about her business. I released the tension from my shoulders. Is it weird that I felt like I was gaining her approval?
I sat the finished dumplings on the counter for her to try before I left. They were better than yesterday, and it had me excited. I was on top of things today. I practically skipped the whole way to meet Hope.
It was Ellyne who answered, and I smiled wide ready for her bubbly personality. She didn't return my smile. Instead, she stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind her. What was going on?
She placed her hands on her hips and glared down at me. "What happened?" She demanded. What was she talking about? Nothing happened recently that would cause her to be angry. Jayne may be pissed...oh, right. Jayne is Ellyne's sister-wife person. It didn't cross my mind that she may take her side, but it does make sense.
She was waiting for me to explain so I told her about the alphabet incident. I didn't leave anything out or change anything to make her appeal to me more. If she was going to be angry at me, then it would be her choice. Surprisingly her shoulders deflated as I told her what happened.
"I'll talk to Hector." She said sounding tired.
"That's it?" I questioned disbelieving her. "No angry huffing like Jayne, or ignoring me like Willoughby." I saw Willoughby in the tavern since Granny told me to ignore her. She dismissed me quickly.