“What legend?”
“When the sun and moon are in alignment, in the exact perfect place they’re supposed to be, and you put your hand on the Fraser stone, it opens a time gate and you get sent back in time.”
“That does sound like magic,” I whispered, unable to take my eyes off it.
“Want to try it out?” he teased, and I stepped forward barely an inch, my fingers itching to see if contact with the stone-cold slab would make it come true, until he said, “Fancy revisiting the past?”
I stopped dead, hoping he didn’t press me on it. There was no way on fucking earth I wanted to tempt any legend that could transport me back to the past.
“The legend says that if you put your ear close enough you can hear the battle. Hear the screams of the clansmen on the battlefield as they died, their blood seeping into the ground.”
That made it a definite hard no. I’d heard enough screams, not to mention enough of my own to last a million lifetimes. “It isn’t real,” I mumbled to myself, my hands shaking.
“Apparently, it’s only meant to work if it’s fate.” I thought on his words. Fate had been both cruel and kind to me. Fate had sent me to the worst place on earth, to suffer my own personal hell. Fate had sent me a man who’d spared my life, and ultimately lead me here.
I stepped back. I didn’t want to be here; I couldn’t be. It was too risky. Legend or not, I wasn’t tempting fate. “Can we go get a drink or something?”
“Okay.” Fraser looked concerned, his brow a little furrowed. “Where did you just go?”
Laughing felt like the easiest way to try to cover it up. “Nowhere. I didn’t touch the stones.”
I thought he was going to challenge me on it. I knew exactly what he was getting at. “Anywhere you’d like to go.”
“Coffee shop, pub, or back to the hotel.”
Fraser came close and put a hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at him. “Did I do it again? Remind you of something painful?”
“No, I was just thinking. I wouldn’t ever go back to the past, even if it meant I could solve world peace and reverse climate change all in one go.”
“Good to know.” He carried on looking at me like he was trying to figure me out.
I decided to give him something. “Fraser, I can’t ever go home.”
“Why?”
“Too dangerous. My life is here. It can never be anywhere else.”
“What do you mean?”
All the other tourists had left, and we were stood in front of a stone that shared his name. It would have been easy to tell him here, out in the open where the wind could carry my words away, but I wouldn’t do that. This was my fresh start. He didn’t need all that ugliness, infecting what I could feel we were building.
That was the past.
This was now.
He could be my future.
Things were better left like that, but I had to give him something, remove the tension. “It’s better off if people don’t know I exist.”
“Listen, if there’s one thing I understand, it’s that people have to share on their own timeline. I’ll respect that. I’ll never push you. Ever.”
The pressure from moments ago lifted. “Are you a counselor?” He laughed and shook his head, so I went back to the original subject matter. “Thank you. I know I didn’t give you any reason to be so kind and trusting but thank you anyway.” This time I kissed him, and the same thing happened as before; we melded together, my heart nearly jumping out of my chest, my brain losing all reason and my body caved to his touch.
“Oh look,” he muttered against my lips before breaking our kiss to look me in the eyes. I felt the cold slab at my back. “The legend was wrong.” Fraser came back at me and kissed me again for good measure.
“Or, maybe there’s nowhere to send me because I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”
“I fucking hope so, Penny,” he breathed, more seriously than I’d ever seen him, and then he kissed me again, proving that the magic I’d been searching for was right there in my hands and had been in my grasp since he first walked into my house.
Well... his house.
“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Fraser mumbled, clearly nervous. We’d gone back to the hotel room and I’d made my intentions clear.
I wanted him.
“I trust you.” I looked into his eyes and said the words with such conviction that there was no way he could misunderstand me. I wanted him to see just how implicitly I trusted him. What I wasn’t expecting was the flinch. It wasn’t big enough to dissuade my efforts, but I still caught it before he managed to get his face straight.
“What if I hurt you? Or make you remember something really bad? Gonna be honest, I’d rather go at a snail’s pace than do damage we can’t undo.”
“Do you trust me to know what I want?”
Fraser paused and I knew this could go either way. “I do.”
I needed to get over this hurdle, and while I knew it was wrong to use him like that, I knew it would bring us closer. And I did trust him. So, we were going to do this if I had to lay awake all night to convince him. Thankfully, though, that wasn’t to be the case.
I thought back to when I was a virgin, and how that situation was loaded with so much pressure. Then I flashed forward to now, understanding what pressure really was. Heading back into something intimate and sexual after being in a situation so far from that was more than just getting over a dry spell.
“You wanna go on top? Control it?” That plan resonated inside me and every fiber of my being knew that would be the best chance at success.
No man on top of me.
No body weighing me down and forcing me.
Me on top, taking only the pleasure I could handle.
Everything I’d suffered was down to a decision I’d made, which turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Yet, I couldn’t let that part of my past control me and define my future and the chance of something with Fraser.
Fraser lay beside me in just his boxers, giving me all the time in the word. I knew if I did nothing and didn’t take it further then he’d be good with that. He’d shown me that he was worthy of helping me through the biggest fear I still held onto. I knew it was right to do this with him. He was a good man, thoughtful, sensitive to my feelings, nothing like any of the men I’d been with in the past.
I ran my hand down his abs and felt his muscles contract, hoping my actions showed him I was willing to try. When I pushed my hand past the waistband of his boxers, he hissed. He was already rock solid, and just like I expected him to be, big. Wrapping him in my fist, I leaned in for a kiss. “One step at a time.”
“Whatever you need.” He swallowed, working hard to be as neutral as possible for me.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go down on you.” There was no way I was ready for that. Too many things had happened to me when I’d been in that position and I wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable. The fear for that activity was real right now.
“Your pace.”
I kissed him, desperately wanting to feel him devour my mouth, I loved it when he did that.
Not having given anyone a hand job for so long, I felt rusty, out of practice, and thought I was fucking it up until I heard his gruff voice. “You need to stop.”
I pulled my hand away immediately. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“I’m... out of practice,” I admitted, blushing.
Fraser reached for my cheek, pulling me in for a kiss. It started out as reassurance, but turned into something more. Whatever would happen tonight, we’d always have kissing to fall back on. Kissing would always be our thing, that one vital connection that we both understood bonded us and our emotions. It took us back to basics and helped us reset while I was having trouble. “I didn’t mean stop because of that, babe. I meant because I’m unravelling.”
“Wow.”
He looked at my face and smiled. “Exactly.” I needed to get a grip. I couldn�
�t let any of my anxieties get in the way. “My turn.” Fraser went back to kissing me. “Let me touch you.” He repeated his actions of the previous night, making me comfortable, bringing me into the moment. My head felt fuzzy, my breathing labored as his fingers worked me. “Climb on, babe.”
Summoning up all my courage, I straddled him, knowing it was going to happen. This was it. Once I’d guided him inside me, I knew this was different. This wasn’t brutal sex; this was respectful, loving even. We were sharing this experience, both of us in it for pleasure. This wasn’t the sexual experiences I was used to, and that was because trust was involved.
I moved slowly and felt his hands grab my waist, keeping me in a slow rhythm that he could handle. “Beautiful,” he murmured, and every so often he’d feather those magic fingers between my breasts, over my tummy and back to my waist.
The Fraser stone time gate we’d visited today wasn’t the magic.
This was the magic.
Watching him watching me was the magic; his eyes and face completely lit up and present here with me.
I’d always convinced myself I’d be too broken, but I was wrong. I just needed the right person with a good soul to help fix me. This was the reason I’d shut a part of myself off, waiting for that special connection, keeping it locked inside me, a part of me those brutes had never touched or broken into. I knew this because I was still here, I was present with him, not searching for a corner of my mind where I could close off from it all. I wasn’t trapped in my head wondering whether to just end it all.
“Tell me you’re close, Pen.”
“I am.” I sank down and pitched up again, only needing to repeat a few times before I felt my insides tighten. Fraser raised his knees and as I leant back against his strong thighs, I let my head fall back. Everything inside me pitched and climbed, then rolled and roared, a feeling I couldn’t ever remember having before. After how our first kiss had felt, I should have known that the first orgasm he gave me during intercourse was going to be spectacular. I wanted to soothe and console myself, make it stop but taunt it closer until my mind understood the pleasure my body was capable of. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but as soon as I saw the look on his face the world tilted and everything in it clicked into place.
This was where I was meant to be.
Those animals before hadn’t taken anything away from me. They’d made it possible to have this. They’d made it possible for my mind and body to know what true and connected felt like. That pain would have been true pain if I hadn’t experienced this moment. If that was all there was, then there truly would be no point in carrying on.
But it wasn’t.
There was this.
There was Fraser, deep inside me, erasing all the hurt and pain. Scrubbing away at the demons they’d left me with, killing all that hatred and doubt, and filling it with goodness and honesty.
“Pen,” he grunted as my orgasm finally washed through me. Fraser surged up, his neck muscles tight as he kept me locked to his body. I felt him buck and judder underneath me, inside me, and our eyes remained locked, once again, like we were alone on the planet and the only thing that mattered was us, our connection. The world could crumble and fall apart around us, and all that would matter would be us, this moment right now.
We stilled, breathing heavily, and remained exactly where we were, not wanting to break the bond our bodies had forged, or that serene, satisfied silence, but I knew I had to. “Thank you.”
“Never thank me for that. It was a privilege.”
“You’ve no idea what you just gave me.” I felt the emotion building.
“And you, Pen, have no idea what you just gave to me. You can’t take back what we just felt, and I will cherish that, too.”
My eyes were on the verge of watering. “I need to use the bathroom.”
“Okay.” He leaned up and kissed me again, like he understood the importance of that simple action and wanted to keep me with him for as long as possible.
I did my business in the bathroom and as I washed my hands, I dared a look in the mirror above the sink basin. My eyes shone and sparkled, my cheeks were rosy and flushed, and my lips and chin were puffy from the scruff of his beard.
I looked at myself again. “Goodbye, Agent Poppy.”
Beaten-down Poppy was gone, the wildness I’d clung onto to survive was gone, but the best part of her was living on in Penny. I knew that Fraser would love all the parts of me, even if he didn’t really know Poppy. Her crazy ways, her insecurities born out of survival and her need to belong and be loved for real were surfacing in a good way with Penny, for him.
“Goodbye, Wild Poppy,” I whispered again. “Thank you for keeping me alive.”
If I ever felt the need to share about my past, I knew he would understand. His kindness and patience were my reward for what I’d endured. Right now, I was living the version of the truth I was comfortable with and rejoicing that I’d been able to separate sex and slavery from love making, and the emotional attachment was so different. So much more.
That was why this was so special, because I could love him.
I did love him, but I’d only just come to realize it, even admit it. He’d dug under my skin and buried deep.
My past meant that sex and men were nothing but abusers, hate-filled creatures to be avoided. But my future, this man, had proved I just needed to find the right person, right connection and emotional love to make it all worthwhile.
I looked again at myself and deep in the backs of my eyes I could see her, Wild Poppy waving goodbye, fading away so Penny could live her life and thrive.
Chapter Seventeen
Mac
I wondered if we could stay here in the hotel room indefinitely. If we lived out the rest of our days in here, the only sinner would still be me. I’d never outrun them. If it was just she and I for eternity, I could focus on her and keep my shit together, keep a lid on my soul.
She’d given me the ultimate gift and I’d betrayed it.
Before I’d even got my dick inside her, I was lying to her. I wasn’t worthy.
Of God or her.
The longer I put off telling her the truth, the deeper my sins dug in and threatened to overwhelm me.
“You are so fucking beautiful,” I whispered gently, moving the loose strands of hair that had fallen over her face onto the pillow so I could get a complete and unobstructed view of her. “Please forgive me.”
I wasn’t sure whether I was asking her or God, but it didn’t matter. Either one of them would do right now.
What we’d shared was the most basic form of vanilla sex I’d had since I’d left the church. When I sowed those wild oats, I went all out. If I was gonna break the code, I decided to do it properly and smash my abstinence to pieces.
But there was something so innocent and pure about Penny that made it primal and sensual, filling me up on every damn level. It was pure sensory overload, especially on the emotions.
She stirred in bed next to me and I decided I needed her awake. If she was talking to me, distracting me, I wasn’t turning myself inside out with my own disastrous inner monologue.
“Mornin’.” I kissed her ear lobe and she stirred some more. I kissed that spot on her neck, just below her ear and she sighed and shivered. That action alone made parts of me stir and it wouldn’t be long before she felt that, too.
Penny turned her head, blinked and realized she was about an inch from my face. She sucked her lips in between her teeth. “What are you doing?”
“Mornin’ breff,” she mumbled.
This again. “Told you, don’t give a fuck about that.” Just to prove my point, I latched my lips onto hers and licked at the closed seam of them until she relented and let my tongue have access. I was ready to roll. In fact, I could easily have rolled her onto her front and had my way with her, but we probably needed to talk. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“Down there?” I nodded to lower down the bed.
> “I’m not tired down there.” She looked at me puzzled, and then caught on. “Oh, like I saw some action.” Her cocky smile made me smile.
“Good. How’s the head?”
Her brow furrowed. “Not retreating in on itself, so also good.”
I smiled first this time and she took my lead, giving me a sexy smile in return, full on and with eye sparkle. “Hate to do this now, but I’m clean.”
“I’m sweaty as hell…” I waited for her to catch on again. “Oh!”
“Got carried away and took you bareback. Irresponsible. Sorry.”
“I... uh, haven’t been with anyone in a while. Definitely not since I last had a check-up and I’m covered on the baby front.”
The relief I was expecting didn’t come barreling forward and I knew why. If I had knocked her up by accident, she’d be tied to me and less likely to throw me away when she found out the truth. I would have had an excuse to keep her in my life. I wasn’t going to get that easy option, though, so this was all going to be down to me and her ability to accept my lies and deception and be able to get past it. “Gotta shower.” I had to get away from her prying eyes, get some space and get my shit together.
“I could shower,” she said suggestively.
Fuck.
My punishment was destined to continue. I caved. The thought of seeing her body all hot and soapy was just too much temptation for the sinner who inhabited inside me to resist. “Let’s get you clean then.” Penny squealed as I pulled her up out of the bed, deciding that if I was going to lose this soon, I might as well enjoy the hell out of it while I had it. She was still squealing like a teenager when I dumped her in the tub and switched the shower on.
“Fuck. Shit. Cold!” She jumped out of the way, nearly falling out of the tub and covering me in water at the same time.
When she was in my arms, I couldn’t do anything apart from look at her in awe. All the horrid stuff she’d seen, lived through and suffered through, and here she was trusting me. Giving me the chance to restore her faith in humanity, and all I was going to do was prove to her that she was right to be hesitant. Right to never trust people and right that she’d misplaced all of that in me. We were all capable of lies and deceit, even those of us who thought we were destined for greater things, and all of this proved I was never cut out for religion in the first place.
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