by Alex Grayson
“What I said that night, that was a lie. I was in a shitty place and lashed out. I’m sorry.”
“And so you wanted to drag me into your shitty place? To make me suffer right along with you?” She turns to face the window again. “How very nice of you,” she says snidely.
I deserve every bit of anger and resentment she sends my way. It’s no worse than the hatred I feel for myself.
“Savannah—”
“Just leave, please. I don’t want you here.”
I don’t want to leave. I want to plant my ass in the chair by the bed and stay there for as long as she’s here. I made her suffer when I was going through bad shit. I need to be beside her as she navigates her own issues, enduring every bit of pain she’s going through.
But I won’t because I get the sense my being here is making it worse. And that’s the last thing I want. I’ve hurt her enough already.
I look at her for several more seconds, taking in her frail form. She may look sick and unhealthy, but she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll leave for now because that’s what you need,” I tell her quietly. “But I won’t be gone long. I know you hate me and think I don’t care about you—both with good reason. But I’ll prove to you that you’re wrong on both counts, especially the last one.”
She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even acknowledge my words, so I turn around and leave her room, softly closing the door behind me.
It’s been forty-eight hours since Savannah was admitted into the hospital. Forty-eight hours of torture for everyone who cares for her. I haven’t left the hospital since I walked in two days ago, frantic for answers. Neither have Nora and Silas, until about an hour ago, when they decided to go home to shower and change. Rylee and Zayden have gone home each night to get a few hours of sleep, but they’ve been back each morning. Paul and Evelyn left a couple of hours after hearing the news of her condition, but Evelyn’s called Rylee several times for updates. To say we’re all stressed is putting it mildly.
Thankfully, the doctor just left with some good news. Her electrolytes have come up and her kidney function has improved. She’s still not all the way out of the woods, but he’s hopeful she’ll be ready to leave in a few days. The question is, where will she go once she’s discharged. Nora and Silas, at the request from the doctor, want her to check into a rehab facility, but Savannah’s reluctant. She realizes she needs the help and wants it but hates the idea of being “locked away”—as Savannah puts it—in a medical facility.
Luckily, according to Rylee, she’s been in a fairly good mood, considering everything going on.
It’s been difficult, but I haven’t been back to see her since she told me to leave two days ago. It’s a good thing Rylee’s kept me updated, or I might have forced my way back inside her room. As it is, I’m getting ready to head back up there now. I’ve given her time. Now it’s time to remind her that I’m still here and not going anywhere.
“Oliver.”
I stop and turn around, gritting my teeth as Paul and Evelyn walk toward me.
“I thought you guys were at home,” I say, attempting to keep my voice calm, but knowing I’m doing a shit job of it.
Evelyn smiles. “We wanted to stop by and check up on Savannah.” She holds up a bag. “I wanted to bring her a few things.”
Kissing Evelyn’s cheek, my father asks, “Why don’t you go on up while I speak with Oliver?”
After he watches her walk away, Paul turns to face me. I really don’t want to do this right now. I’ve got more important things on my mind—like wondering if Savannah is going to kick me out of her room again. But I also don’t want to make a scene in the hospital and take the chance of being booted out.
“How are you?” His voice is low.
“How do you think?” I ask bluntly, then silently curse myself.
Calm your shit, Oliver.
He nods. “You’re right. Stupid question. I know you care for Savannah, so I’m sure this is hard on you.”
It’s strange seeing him like this. So uncertain, and if I’m not mistaken, nervous.
“Have you been home yet, or have you been up here the entire time?”
I lean against the wall behind me and cross my arms over my chest. “I’m not leaving here until she can.”
He nods again, as if he understands. “Evelyn and I can stop by your dorm and grab you some clothes. The cafeteria food is always horrible in hospitals, so we can grab you some food too.”
“Zayden’s already brought me some clothes, and I ate not long ago.” I look directly at him. “Just stop, okay? I’ve lived for nineteen years without a concerned father. There’s no sense trying now. Especially since you’re not my father.”
“I’ll always be your father, Oliver. Not only does your birth certificate say so, but I say so. I don’t give a shit if you’re not biologically mine. The question is, are you okay with that?”
That is the fucking question, isn’t it?
Blowing out a breath, I give him the only answer I have right now. “I don’t know. I need time to think and come to grips with everything. When I have an answer, I’ll let you know.”
“I can live with that.”
Evelyn comes back out a few minutes later, and her and my father leave shortly after. I take the elevator up to the third floor. My palms sweat as I approach Savannah’s room. The door is open, and I look around the frame before I step inside to make sure there are no doctors in with her. She’s alone, the TV mounted on the wall in front of her turned on, the volume down low. She has a tray of food in front of her, and I watch as she spoons something and brings it to her mouth. She’s on a special diet to help keep her electrolytes up. Relief hits as I watch her take another bite.
Her head jerks my way when I enter the room, and her expression falls when she notices it’s me.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, approaching her slowly.
Her lip curls up into a sneer. “I was fine until you showed up. Now I feel like I might throw up.”
My face pales and my stomach bottoms out.
Noticing my expression, she rolls her eyes back to her food. “Oh, relax. I’m not going to puke. But you might want to leave before I put too much meat on my bones.”
I flinch, her words hitting me harder than any punch could.
“Why are you here?” she demands, shoving part of a banana into her mouth.
I’ll take any abuse she sends my way, so long as she continues to eat.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving,” I remind her.
“Well, you should. You’re not wanted here. Why don’t you go call that something better you said you were going to find the other night?”
A vague memory of me telling Savannah I was done with her and was going to search out someone else flashes in my mind. My close friend named “guilt” makes another appearance.
“I never looked, and I had no intentions of doing so. I only said that to hurt you, and it’s another thing to add to the growing list of things I’m sorry for.”
“Well, you did a bang-up job of hurting me. Congratulations on that. You said your apologies, and I don’t accept them, so you can leave now.”
Instead of doing what she requests, I snag a chair with my foot and pull it toward me. Facing the TV, I plop down in the seat.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
I gesture toward the TV with my chin. “Watching Gilligan’s Island.”
“I don’t want you in here.”
Keeping my eyes on the TV, I say, “We don’t always get what we want.”
“Clearly,” she says dryly. A moment later, she sighs. “Don’t make me call a nurse in here and have you escorted out.”
Her words give me pause, but only for a moment. I decide to test her statement and her willpower against me.
Ignoring her warning, I prop my feet up on the end of her bed and get comfortable.
She growls, and the sound brings a tiny smile to my face. Of
course, I hide it from her. No need to poke the bear, not when I need to tame her first.
“Whatever,” she mutters. “I’m going to sleep. Turn the TV off when you leave.”
My smile grows when the lights above her bed flick off, and I hear her blankets ruffling behind me.
It may take time, but I’m a stubborn son-of-a-bitch when it comes to things I care about. I’ve known for a while that I’m in love with Savannah.
And before it’s all said and done, she’ll know and believe I love her.
I won’t accept anything less.
30
SAVANNAH
“How’s she doing?” I stir at the sound of Rylee’s voice, the hospital room door snapping closed seconds later.
“She’s been sleeping for a while.” My stomach twists when it’s Oliver’s voice I hear next.
I don’t know why I’m surprised that he’s still here, but I am. I thought for sure he’d have left. Then again, he said he wasn’t going to, and I haven’t known him to be someone who doesn’t do exactly what he says he’s going to. He’s hard headed like that. That much I know to be true about him.
“Does she know you’re in here?” she asks.
“Yeah, though she threatened to have a nurse escort me out.”
“A lot of good that did her, I see.” I hear the smile in my best friend’s voice.
“You know me. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Even though I’m tempted to roll over and demand that he leave, just to prove a point, I don’t move. I keep my eyes closed and do my best to remain as still as possible while I listen to the two of them talk.
“She still isn’t talking to you, I take it?”
“You mean other than telling me to leave? No. She’s pretty stubborn.”
“Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“I guess I can’t argue with you there.”
I hear footsteps shuffle against the tiled floor. “Just give her some time. I’m sure she’ll come around,” Rylee reassures him.
“Will she?” I hear the uncertainty in Oliver’s voice, and it seems misplaced. I’ve never known him to be uncertain about anything.
“She’s been through a lot.”
“Thanks to me.”
“You didn’t do this to her, Oliver. This has been going on far longer than that. If anything, this is my fault.” A pang of guilt slides through my chest. I hate that anyone feels responsible for what I put my own body through. “I should have seen the signs sooner. I should have pushed harder when she started making excuses. I knew something wasn’t right, but I was trying to find a balance between being a good friend and completely overstepping.”
“Why would she do this to herself?” Oliver asks.
“I wish I knew.” Rylee blows out a breath. “She’s always struggled with body image issues. She’s never been able to see what we all see—how beautiful she is.”
“I just can’t help but feel like I made this so much worse.”
“Well, you certainly didn’t help matters. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you and say you played no factor. But Savannah was on this path well before you came along. I think it was only a matter of time before it peaked. Honestly, I’m just glad it’s all out there, and now she can get the help she needs.”
“Why do you think she didn’t tell us? She had to know there was a problem.”
“I think she was embarrassed. Wouldn’t you be?”
“I guess.” Even though I can’t see him, I can imagine the rise of his broad shoulders as he shrugs. “She didn’t give me the option to help her then, but I really wish she’d let me help her now.”
“V is as hard headed as they come. She isn’t going to forgive you that easily.”
“I know. I just wish I could find a way to make her see….” His words fade off.
“Make her see what?” Rylee asks after several beats of silence filter between the two. “That you’re in love with her.”
I swear my heart kicks against my ribs so hard that it’s nearly impossible to remain still.
“I am.”
My heart kicks again, pounding so hard in my chest that the sound resonates in my ears.
“Have you told her?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want her to think I’m only saying it because she’s here, lying in a hospital bed.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why you should say it. She needs us right now. She needs to know that she’s loved and supported. And Oliver, she loves you. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how you managed to get her there after how much she hated you, but you did. She loves you and you treating her the way you did, you walking away from her, it destroyed her. Even when she tried to act like she was okay, I could see it. She wasn’t okay.”
“Are you trying to make me feel fucking worse?” he grumbles.
“Of course not. I’m trying to make you see how much you mean to her. And clearly, she means a lot to you.”
“She means everything.”
“And there’s my point. We don’t get a guaranteed number of days on this Earth. You can’t wait for the right time to say you love someone. You have to tell them every chance you get, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.”
“But what if after I tell her, she still wants nothing to do with me?”
“Since when have you ever rolled over and accepted something so easily?” The smile in Rylee’s voice is obvious.
Oliver lets out a soft grunt.
“If you two would stop self-destructing, maybe you could actually find some semblance of happiness. Lord knows after everything, you both deserve it.”
“Do I?” Oliver croaks, his voice strained. “Do I deserve it?”
“Oliver, everyone deserves to be happy.”
Tears begin to build behind my eyes, but I keep my lids pressed closed. As angry as I am with him for the way he treated me, at the end of the day I know why he did it. He was hurting. He was angry. And I was an easy target. And while that’s not an acceptable excuse, for the first time since everything went down, I’m starting to realize how much he regrets it.
I’m not innocent either. I pushed him away at times. I kept secrets. I never truly allowed myself to be whole with him, instead choosing to give him little pieces of what I thought he wanted to see.
“After everything, I’m not sure that’s true. Think about it, Rylee. I’ve been doing shit like this my entire life. Hurting the people I care the most about. Acting out when shit goes south. Sabotaging my own happiness for reasons I can’t even begin to understand.”
“Then maybe it’s time to break the cycle.” She pauses. “And you can start by being honest with V.”
“And when she tells me to go fuck myself?”
“She won’t.” I hear the sound of soft footsteps padding across the room before the door opens.
“Where are you going?” Oliver asks.
“I’m going to go find Zayden. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“Okay,” Oliver says, the door snapping closed seconds later.
The room goes silent.
I’m not sure what to do. On one hand, I could roll over and he would know that I listened to their entire conversation. On the other, I don’t want that to be the way he tells me. If he loves me like he says he does, then I need to hear him say it to me and not to another person.
It’s torture. Lying so still, when all I want to do is crawl out of this bed and throw myself into his arms.
I’m not sure how much time passes. But I listen to the tick of the clock on the wall as the seconds pass and the low hum of the television as my mind swirls around everything Oliver said to Rylee.
He loves me….
He loves me?
It shouldn’t even be a question, should it?
If you take away what happened last week, things between us have been amazing. The way he touches me, like he can’t get enough of me. The way he
holds me, like he only wants to be near me. The way he seems to show up every time I turn around, simply because he misses me.
Deep down, I think I’ve known how he feels about me for a while. It just took until this moment for me to realize how true it is. And not because of his words—because of his actions.
My life is a mess right now. An utter fucking mess. But one thing remains true when everything else in my life is uncertain—I’m in love with Oliver Conley. And I don’t want another moment to pass without telling him so. Like Rylee said, tomorrow is not guaranteed. We have to tell the people we care about that we love them, and we have to do it every chance we get, because we don’t know how long we’ll get to do it for.
I roll to my back, my eyes connecting with Oliver’s the instant I look his way.
“Hey.” He smiles softly.
“Hey,” I push out past my dry throat.
“You sleep okay?” He still seems hesitant. Given that our last conversation revolved around me telling him to get out, I guess I can understand why.
“Yeah.” I scoot up, propping some pillows behind me so that I’m sitting in an upright position. “This isn’t your fault,” I blurt, knotting my hands in front of myself. He shifts the chair so that he’s facing me, and even though I can tell he wants to say something, he lets me continue without interruption. “I know you think it is. And while yes, you have made some comments over the last few months that did not help this situation,” I watch him wince, “you didn’t cause this. The truth is, I’ve been struggling with this disease since I was fifteen.”
I have no idea why I’m telling him all this. In a way, I think I just need to say it out loud.
“I had just started dating my first boyfriend—Hunter. I was gaga over him in the way that only a young teenager can be. One day after school we went back to my house. My parents weren’t home, and we started fooling around.”
His fists clench and the thought brings a touch of a small smile to my lips. Even hearing me retell something that happened years ago with another guy seems to put him on edge.