Something had shifted inside him. No longer did he worry that he might be going crazy; now, he was certain of it. Fatalism swept over him. He told his mother he’d made a bucket list: “Things to Do Before CTE Takes Away My Mind.” Travel overseas. Camp in the timber in winter. Go rattlesnake hunting on the family’s land. “I think I’m going to hike across the country because I only got so much time before I lose my mind,” he told his mom.
On December 5, 2015, the sixth anniversary of the day Zac bagged his ten-point buck, Myles Sr. decided to take his son hunting. Perhaps they could recapture some of the tranquility of the old days. They got up before sunrise, ate bacon and eggs, and got in the truck by 5:15 a.m.
The forty-minute drive from their house to the family’s timber was a good time to talk. They sipped coffee. Myles told his son that he was proud of him, that Zac was smart and talented and successful. He said they would fight through this as a family. “I’m sorry about the concussions from football,” he told his son. “I didn’t understand it earlier.” Zac didn’t want his dad feeling guilty. He told him that he loved football. He told him he even missed football. He didn’t tell his father that he was losing hope that he would get better—giving voice to something like that was incompatible with the Easter mentality—but he did tell his father that he often heard voices in his head. Later, Myles would wish he’d asked his son what the voices were telling him. Instead, uncomfortable to dig deeper into his son’s mental struggles, he ignored the comment.
They got out of the truck. Zac watched his dad remove the shotguns from behind the seat, where he’d stashed them after picking them up from Zac’s uncle a couple of nights before the hunt. Myles handed his son a shotgun. “You’re not going to shoot yourself, right?” he said. Zac laughed: “Not in front of you.” They both laughed. “OK, I knew you wouldn’t,” Myles said. Zac’s older brother met them, and together the three Easter men hiked into the woods. They didn’t see a deer that day, but it didn’t matter. From the tree stand Myles Sr. was heartened by the sight of two of his boys walking down the hill together, laughing. In that moment, at least, Zac seemed like his old self. “I thought maybe we were getting better,” Myles Sr. recalled later. But his older son saw something that worried him. “When we were walking in the dark,” Myles II told his father, “I turned around and looked at him and he was talking to himself. His lips were moving.”
They hunted till after sunset. On the ride home, Myles Sr. picked up a six-pack of Coors Light tallboys for them to split. Zac’s mom wouldn’t have liked this—alcohol, she knew, only made his problems worse—but, hell, Myles just wanted to go back to the way things used to be. It was only a couple of beers. As they rumbled home along the gravel country roads, beers in hand, Zac turned to his father. “This was one of the best days I’ve had,” he said.
Zac and his dad fell asleep next to each other in the living room, watching Iowa play Michigan State in the Big Ten championship game. It was a tough, ugly defensive battle, the exact kind of football game they loved.
A couple of days later, Brenda Easter came home to find Zac’s car gone from the driveway. This was odd. Brenda had been keeping track of his every move, and he was usually at home. He did not answer his phone when she called. She called Ali; Ali called Zac again and again. He didn’t pick up.
She texted him: “Baby what’s going on—your mom said you took off?”
And then: “Where are you babe?”
Ali started freaking out. Brenda started freaking out. It felt like the events of Friday the 13th all over again. Zac had told plenty of people that he just wanted to disappear for a while to clear his head. No one took him seriously. Best-case scenario, Ali thought, was that he’d just gone for a walk in the woods to prove people wrong.
Ali texted him again: “Zac please tell me you’re okay and call me.”
Finally, Zac responded: “I’m ok and I’m in Oklahoma;)”
He told Ali he’d been feeling cooped up at his parents’ house, sitting there thinking about losing his mind, and he needed to get away. So a few hours earlier he’d emptied his parents’ cabinets of food, gotten in his car, and just started driving. He was heading for Oklahoma, but then he turned around and started making his way back; after a wrong turn, he wound up in Kansas City and got a hotel room for the night. Zac ordered pizza and stayed in his hotel room. Then, he went to a strip club.
The next morning, he turned around and drove home.
Email from Zac to Ali, later in the day after Zac drove back from Kansas City:
From: Zachary Easter
Date: Tue, Dec 8, 2015 at 2:36 PM
Subject: i love you
To: Alison Epperson
Dear Winslow,
First off, I just want to thank You for being You! You have an amazing heart and I’m so blessed to have someone like you in my life. I love you so much I can’t even come up with some of those cheesy saying talking about how “Words can’t describe how much I love you” type of stuff, so I’m just going to keep it real and original Your the rock that keeps me my sole from blowing in the wind. (Cheesy I know, but so is macaroni and cheese and I know how much you love that lol) Since some things have changed since the last time I wrote this I guess I’m glad I got a chance to update some things. Your law professors won’t appreciate my grammar in this letter, but they can get bent for giving you so much work lol.
Looking back over the years I can’t help but laugh and smile about our story. If our story was a song we’d kick Taylor Swifts ass on the top charts lol. I remember our first sober moments together being flirty with each other on the senior bench and who would of known then what the two of us would have grown into. From the barn in literally negative temperatures to the sun shining on us at Grey’s Lake we’ve come a long way together and I will never for one second regret any of it. I will admit I do kind of regret not telling about my feelings for you sooner, but screw it! It must have been meant for us to turn out this way and it only makes our song even better with the fact that I told you I first loved you when I was puking my guts out that one night while you held my hair back haha
I wish you the best of luck on all your exams babe! You’ve come so fare this year I could never be more proud of you!!! You’ve been working your ass off school and trying to balance all that stuff while trying to balance a relationship with a guy like me is something I wish upon no one lol! You’re the only one I know with enough resilience to deal with my shit . For that, may god bless you haha! I think your sleeping now, but I can’t wait until we cuddle naked and just takes naps with your hair in my face. Moments like that are the ones I live for. Well that’s about a page and just what’s on my mind for now. Definitely not the traditional love letter, but I hope I found a way to spark a smile on your face somehow
Oh and one more thing, p.s. I love you!
Zac
Text exchange between Zac and Ali, Wednesday, December 9, 2015:
Zac: This is stupid
Ali: What is baby
Zac: Idk this whole life I’m living
Ali: Don’t say that baby. Things WILL get better. I know it’s overwhelming and scary but you’re gonna get through this and if you open yourself up to it this program can really help you. You have so much ahead of you baby and despite everything going on you’re a great person and have great things in your life and treatment will make all of that better and more apparent and you’ll be able to really feel and enjoy everything you’ve got going for you
Zac: Yeah I guess
Ali: It’s gonna be okay baby. Give yourself a little bit of time to think things over and decide when you wanna go and what you’re gonna do in the meantime. I’m always gonna be here. I love you
Zac: Love you to
On the afternoon of Saturday, December 12, 2015, Ali was home for winter break. Zac texted her he was sick of his mom—“she’s giving me some motivational speech”—and he was going to run away. “Fuck I just don’t care anymore,�
� Zac texted her. “I don’t want to be get Better”
Ali: Do you want me to come pick you up and we can drive around and talk and clear your mind a little?
Zac: If you help buy me a beer so I can calm my emotions before hand lol
Ali: Zac . . . why don’t we try to calm your emotions without that first
Zac: By doing what
Ali: Driving and talking and being with each other
Zac: Sure
Ali: Okay. Almost to dealerships and coming straight to you
Zac: No offense but that’s not going to help me
Ali: Well alcohol isn’t going to help in the long run either. It’ll just make it worse. Only a quick fix. And it’s better than sitting at home stewing in your emotions
Zac: I’m craving a drink because that’s the only way I know how to do it, so it’s up to you. If I leave here I’m going to get a drink lol
Ali: Not if your with me. Why don’t we try to deal with it without a drink together
Zac: Because what is that going to do? No you might as well not come over. No offense I’m just going to talk you into leaving
Ali: And who says you’re gonna be able to talk me into leaving uh? I’m just as stubborn and I’m already on my way
Zac: God your stubborn lol
Ali: And you don’t know any other way to deal because you’ve always gone to alcohol. You haven’t tried much else. It’s not gonna hurt to try zac. Fuck yeah I’m stubborn.
Zac: I really don’t think I want to talk to anyone right now truthfully
Ali: Well then don’t talk. Just drive with me
Zac: You can drive me to a gas station lol
Ali: Nahh. Don’t need gas
Zac: Then please don’t come
Ali: Too bad. Too far to turn around. Sucks you gotta hang with your girlfriend
Zac: I’m not showered my breath stinks
Ali: I’ve got gum
Zac: Your not helping
Zac: I’m happy when I’m drinking by myself in my sweet misery. I’m not happy doing anything else and all I do is fake it
Ali: Then let me help. Sitting alone at home angry or drinking isn’t helping either
Zac: I’m a broken man and you should leave me!
Ali: And that’s the problem. That’s not healthy and that’s not real happiness. I’m on your street. Will you please come out
Zac: Come and do what? I’m in my room
Ali walked into the Easters’ house. Brenda was sitting on the couch, at a loss. Ali went upstairs and opened the door to Zac’s room. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. She snuggled up next to him. He was quiet.
It was time for tough love. She didn’t have many cards left to play.
“Are you going to fucking talk to me?” she asked.
“What?” he said. “What do you want me to say?”
He didn’t want to go to California to the rehabilitation clinic his mother had researched. He didn’t think it would work.
“What’s the fucking point?” Zac told Ali. “What’s the purpose anymore? What am I doing here?”
Ali started crying.
“I’m a purpose, Zac,” she said. “You say you love me. If you’re not going to do it for yourself, why won’t you do it for me?”
Zac got quiet. Tears welled in his eyes.
She looked directly into his eyes.
“Am I not worth it?” she asked. “Can you try to stay alive for me?”
“I do love you,” he said. “You are worth trying for. I want to try for you. I just don’t know what’s going to help at this point.”
Zac was spending a lot of time alone in his bedroom. One night—Wednesday, December 16, 2015—he went downstairs. Myles Sr. was sitting on the couch.
“Hey, Dad,” Zac said. “That thing on Mike Webster is on Channel 11.” It was the two-hour PBS documentary, “League of Denial: The NFL’s Concussion Crisis,” a Frontline segment about concussions and the ties between football and long-term brain injuries. Zac sat at the top of the stairs, watching his dad watch the documentary. It was as if Zac felt his dad could understand more about his own struggles from watching the show. Once he was sure his dad would watch the whole thing, Zac went back into his bedroom and shut the door.
It had been a fun week with Ali home from law school. Slowly, Zac warmed to the idea of inpatient treatment in California. He told his family he would go right after Christmas. Zac and Ali cuddled in the Easters’ basement and watched Shameless. They went on a date night at Okoboji Grill on Des Moines’s south side and stopped at a drive-through frozen custard joint on the way home. They sat at the kitchen table and helped Zac’s mom stuff envelopes for her job at the Indianola Chamber of Commerce. Nick Haworth, Zac’s old buddy, came by one night, and he joined Zac and Ali at McDonald’s, then watched the Mark Wahlberg comedy Ted 2 with them. There were times when Zac felt anxious, but on the whole, Ali thought he’d turned a corner. All week, they had good sex—great sex, even, the type of sex where there are only two people in the world who exist. Zac told her that when they had sex, that was one of the few times when he never doubted his connection to humanity. There were so many things in Zac’s life he felt disconnected from, sometimes to the point where he couldn’t tell what was real and what was not. Sex with Ali was an emotional connection that he knew was real, without a doubt.
On Friday, December 18, they planned to spend the whole day together. Ali’s sisters were due back home that night, so it would be the only day when they had Ali’s parents’ house to themselves. Ali picked him up in the morning. He felt terrible—stomachache, headache—but they went to her parents’ house anyway. They sat on the big blue recliner together and watched Shameless. They ordered pizza and french fries from Winn’s Pizza & Steakhouse, and they drove to the town square to pick up their food. Zac helped Ali get the artificial Christmas tree out of the garage and set it up. Later that night, Zac was going to take Ali out to dinner, just the two of them, and stop by to say hi to her parents beforehand. But first, he needed a nap and a haircut, so Ali drove him home. In the car, they listened to their song, “Technicolor Beat,” by a band called Oh Wonder, a song about true love helping a person conquer his biggest fears.
They held hands. “I know I didn’t feel well today,” Zac told Ali as she drove, “but I want you to know I had an amazing day today. I loved today. It was like a perfect day. I was so happy to just be there with you.” She pulled into his parents’ driveway. He got out, came by the driver’s side, put his head in her window, and gave her a kiss: “I love you.”
It was after 7:00 p.m. when Zac left the house to get his hair cut. The Easters had family pictures scheduled for the next day. When he got home after 8:00 p.m., his mom was asleep in bed with the television on, sick with a headache. Zac’s dad was upstairs, trying to give Tito, their fat, white Rat Terrier, a bath. He had taken the dogs hunting out back. Tito found a possum and killed it, but not without a fight. The dog was covered in blood.
“You’re in deep shit if mom sees that,” Zac told his dad as he walked into the bathroom with Tito.
“Can you help me out here?” Myles said. Then, he looked up at his son. “You got your hair cut,” he said admiringly. “Boy, you sure look good.”
Zac helped his dad wrestle the dog into the tub. Soon, the bathwater ran red. Then, Zac disappeared into his room.
He canceled dinner with Ali. She asked if he wanted to come out later, when she was heading to downtown Des Moines with friends. No thanks, he said. He still wasn’t feeling well, not mentally and not physically, so he was just going to stay at home.
Ever since the suicide attempt, Myles and Brenda had been watching Zac like hawks. Their scrutiny was part of why he was so annoyed with his parents; he felt like he’d lost his independence. Myles planted himself on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, to make sure his son couldn’t get past undetected.
But soon, Myles drifted off to sleep.
From his room, Zac texted with Ali.
Zac: Ha that was pretty fun [day] with you ;) , . . I apologize things are different now
Ali: Things may be a little different but we are still us and still love each other and still have great moments every time we are together. Don’t apologize
Zac: You say don’t apologize but I really need to. God only knows how much you’ve been through it all with for the downtimes and the best nights of our lives. I’m sorry for my the emotional toll it’s had to have taken on you some-nights.
Ali: I willingly take it all on because I love you. I appreciate that you recognize I’m in this too but just keep loving me and being open to getting help and working on things and letting me in and I’ll be okay.
Zac: I know babe. I’ve said it before, but your a beautiful person with a beautiful [heart] who sees the good in others. My struggles just keep overwhelming me and I hate how it comes off to you ;(
Ali was at a table at Johnny’s Hall of Fame, a sports bar in downtown Des Moines, with a group of friends. Jake Powers, Zac’s old roommate, noticed she was quiet and distracted, looking at her phone. He asked if anything was wrong. She told him Zac was having a bad day. She went to the bar’s atrium to text with him privately.
At the Easters’ house, Zac opened the door of his room and crept down the stairs. He grabbed his father’s car keys off the coffee table, passing within inches of his dad. For years afterward, Myles would wonder what was going through Zac’s mind as he walked past. Zac went to the basement, opened a box filled with shotgun slugs, and took one. He opened the door to his dad’s truck, slid behind the seats, and pulled out the 20-gauge shotgun his dad had got him for his birthday more than a decade before.
In downtown Des Moines, Ali moved with the group to a country music bar called Beer Can Alley. She kept texting with Zac.
Ali: You’ve always been one of the few people I hold on a pedestal and think the most about. And that’s cuz your a great person and a beautiful and special soul. I’ll never think differently and you’ll be deep in my heart forever because of it. I know that’s super cheesy and sappy but completely true all the same.
Love, Zac Page 21