by Cat Mann
****
I jumped up, screaming. Terror coursed through my veins. The house was dark, shadows danced on the walls. Wet with sweat, my matted hair stuck to my neck and back. In a panic, I ran. I threw open doors and called out to Ari. I searched through the whole house, screaming for him. He was gone. I was alone. Running to our bedroom, I threw open the closet door and hid, like a small child, in a dark corner. I pulled down clothes that were folded in neat, small stacks. I yanked Ari’s suits off the hangers. Shoes flew across the closet as I dug through clothing for a bit of security, for some sort of refuge. At last, I found what I was searching for; I shook and cried in to Ari’s gray hooded sweatshirt. “Oh, my God.” I cried out, again and again. My litany.
No. 6 tortured me, mercilessly. He tortured my body and my mind. What he failed to do was finish me off; the only thing left for me to do was die, to sit and hide like a coward until No. 7 finally came to kill me. He was coming; I could feel it in my bones. He was plotting his next move.
A door creaked in the distance. I heard footsteps, slow at first as they moved through my home from room to room. After a beat, the footsteps picked up the pace. Doors opened and slammed shut. I pushed myself further into the corner in my bedroom closet. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tears poured relentlessly down my cheeks, and chin. My body would not stop quivering. I bit down hard on my own hand in an attempt to keep silent – to keep from screaming out in fear.
The closet door flew open with a bang.
“Holy Fuck!” Ari hollered and my ears rang with the noise he caused.
Ari immediately dropped to his knees. He pulled my shrunken, tightly coiled body into his arms. Ari was panicky, I could hear his heart pounding though his chest. His fingers were trembling as they searched my face, neck and body for a way to help me.
“What happened? Are you alright?”
“Y-You l-left. You left me,” I sputtered.
“Fuck.” Ari cussed again, this time to himself, under his breath. I winced at the harsh word.
Ari stroked my hair and rocked us back and forth on the closet floor. It was a long while before either of us spoke again.
“You were asleep on the sofa,” Ari said softly. “My mom called, she said she had been waiting all evening for me to stop by. She told you to tell me to come over. You must’ve forgotten to relay the message. I checked on you before I left. You were sound asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake you. It was just an hour. I was only gone an hour. I was right next door. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you felt this way.”
“I’m so scared,” I whimpered.
“I can see that. I’m sorry; I didn’t know this would happen. I didn’t know you were this bad, Ava. I had no clue.”
This bad?
I hated his words; they angered me. I was fine; I told myself I was fine. I took a breath in an attempt to steady my emotions and I climbed off Ari’s lap.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” I said to Ari, quickly. I wiped my wet face with the borrowed sweatshirt and stood up off the closet floor.
“Tell me what happened to you.”
“No.”
I left the closet. I left Ari there alone with a clenched jaw.
I moved soundlessly to the bathroom and threw up; happy to be able to open my mouth and expunge the evil bile my dream had caused. I brushed and re-brushed my teeth removing all the grit. I was completely aware that Ari was watching my every move from the doorway but I pretended not to notice him. I undressed, peeled my sticky, sweaty shirt from my back and untangled it from my damp, matted hair. Turning the showerheads on cold, I forced myself to stand still under the freezing spray.
Eventually, Ari retreated, closing the bathroom door behind him. I washed my cold skin with Ari’s soap. I loved the way it made him smell so clean. I washed my hair and face. I scrubbed under my fingernails. My skin, covered in goose bumps, had taken on a slight bluish hue from the chilly temperature of the water. Climbing out of the shower, I wrapped myself in Ari’s robe. Standing in front of the mirror, I took on the arduous task of detangling my long, wavy hair.
I could feel the vibration of Ari’s footsteps as he paced our bedroom floor. He talked quietly on his cell phone. He was talking about me. I could hear my name. He said it again and again.
It had grown late. Ari had an important day at work the following day. He had meetings with Margaux – they were working out some big deal with some fashion magazine. I had forgotten which magazine, although Ari had told me numerous times. When I emerged from the bathroom, Ari was sitting up in bed going over his notes for work. I wasn’t sure what to say to him if anything at all.
Removing Ari’s robe from my shoulders, I hesitated in front of our closet doors. I did not want to go back in there. I did not want to see the evidence of my out-of-control anxiety attack. Instead, I pulled open the dresser and slipped on a pair of Ari’s boxers. I could feel his gaze on my back as I dressed myself with his clothes.
I hesitated again, this time at the bed. I didn’t want to fall back asleep. I was too afraid of what horrors were waiting for me on the other side of my consciousness. Ari shifted and leaned down off the bed to pick something up from the floor. He came back up and held out his iPad to me with a sheepish smile.
I smiled big at his gesture of peace, climbed under the sheets and gratefully took the iPad.
“I downloaded a new book the other day. It was a good read, Ava. I seriously read it in one night. You’ll love it.”
“K.” I smiled again.
Ari leaned across me and ran his finger over the bottom of the screen, unlocking the tablet. He pulled up the book he was speaking of and we each stayed up the rest of the night. I read, Ari pretended to work and I tried not to notice his worried, penetrating stare.
I fell asleep just before dawn. I am not sure if Ari slept or not. I heard the sound of his alarm but didn’t bother to open my eyes. Ari quickly turned the buzzing, annoying noise off, the mattress moved under his weight as he climbed out of bed. I dozed in and out of sleep as Ari got ready for work. I heard the shower run and the sound of the shaving cream canister. Cracking my eyes open, I watched him walk to the closet. Ari emerged minutes later, fully dressed and handsome. I rolled over and Ari smiled a weak smile at me. He grabbed his cell phone off his bedside table.
“I’ll be right back,” he whispered.
Rolling over, I shoved my face into a pillow. I dozed again then woke once more to Ari.
“Hey, Baby,” he was rubbing little circles into my back. “Why don’t you start to get up? Sit and talk with me before I have to leave for work.”
His tone was cautious.
“Ok…” I rolled over and pushed myself up in to a sitting position.
Ari pointed to his iPad. “What’d you think of the book?”
I shrugged. “It was alright.”
“Alright?” Ari scoffed. “That book was great. I hadn’t read anything that good in weeks.”
“The plot was kind of obvious; don’t you think? I mean it was the mother – I suspected her from the beginning.”
“You did not!”
“I did!”
Ari laughed, “C’mon, I made coffee.” Ari took hold of my hand and we walked into the kitchen. August sat propped up on a stool at the island. Normally in the morning, he grabs a cup of coffee and leaves for work in one quick swoop.
“Hey,” I said to him, biting at my thumbnail.
“Morning.”
Ari handed me a cup of coffee. “Ava, you have an appointment today with Dr. Phillips; it’s at ten.”
I shook my head and furrowed my brow. “No I don’t.”
“Yes. Yes, you do.”
“Since when?” My tone had turned harsh.
“Since I called him last night; as I said, he will see you at ten. My mom is going to drive you to his office.”
“I can drive myself,” I snapped.
Ari closed his eyes. “Don’t fight me on this, Ava.”
I didn’t respond. Ar
i looked down at his watch and I spied the time on the oven. He was late; Margaux was sure to be infuriated.
“I have to go. I love you, Baby.” Ari put his fingers under my chin and tilted my head up so my eyes would meet his. “I love you, okay?”
“Okay, okay,” I nodded. “I love you, too.”
“Please, please call me. Call my cell, call my work, call my assistant – anytime, any reason.”
“I will. Stop it. I’m fine.”
Ari rolled his eyes at my “I’m fine” comment.
“My mom will be here in an hour.” I rolled my eyes at his comment. He kissed my closed lips.
Ari nodded at August. “Thanks, man.” He said before he walked out the garage door.
“Thanks for what?” I asked August.
“Hell if I know.” August grunted.
I slid on a stool next to August. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“My class is beginning the study of the Hundred Year’s War today. I don’t need to work on my preparatory lecture. Remember – I taught you about it last year?”
“Right.”
I stared ahead at the refrigerator, August continued to sit at my side and after ten minutes he spoke, “Aggie will be here sooner than you think, Ava. You should probably start to get ready.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled.
“Why are you wearing men’s underwear anyway? Please tell me that isn’t what you sleep in.”
I looked down at Ari’s boxers and white tee-shirt. “Sometimes.”
“That poor man. As much as he does for you the least you could do is put on something sexy to go to bed in.”
“Shut up, August.”
I bounced down from the stool and walked back to my bedroom. Our closet looked like a war zone. I dug through the piles of clothing on the floor for a pair of jeans. I finally found some and slid them on with a wiggle of my hips. I found a shirt still on a hanger, put it on and meandered through the house.
“You still here?” I said to August who was still on his perch in the kitchen.
“Mmm,” August responded and turned a page of The Times.
There was a knock at the front door. Before I could turn, August moved off his stool and walked across the house to the front door. Moments later, Aggie appeared in the kitchen. She was twirling her keys around her finger. She had a worried look on her face. August left through the garage door to head to work.
“Come on, Sweet-heart. We have to move or you’ll be late.”
“Yeah, ok.”
I walked up next to Aggie. She placed her hand on my back and ushered me towards the door. “Are you doing ok, Baby?”
“I’m fine.”
Aggie kept the music off on the way to Los Angeles, I stared out the window and she kept small talk to a minimum.
Dr. Phillips was waiting for me when we arrived.
“Ava,” he smiled, “right this way.” Dr. Phillips opened the hallway door to let me back to the exam rooms. Normally, his nurse, Liz walks me back and checks me in. Not this time.
Dr. Phillips gestured for me to take a seat on the paper coved exam table. I climbed up and the paper crinkled under my weight. Phillips took a seat on a little rolling chair and scooted up next to me. He crossed his ankle over his knee, he leaned forward and his fingers formed a steeple over his mouth.
“Tell me what happened last night.”
I shrugged, ran my fingers through my hair and eventually, I did as Dr. Phillips said and gave him every last embarrassing detail of the night before, my screaming, the closet, the mess, Ari’s cuss words, everything.
We talked for an hour, the doctor and I. He concluded that I was most definitely dealing with some major post-traumatic stress. That I had paranoia. That my anxiety was becoming unmanageable and these issues were making it difficult for my body to focus on healing. He tried to refer me to a psychologist. I declined. He tried to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication. I declined.
“Really, I am fine,” I said as I slid down off the paper-covered exam table. Philips opened the door and we walked back down the hall.
“Liz,” he called to the nurse as he handed her my chart, “schedule Ava an appointment in four weeks to see me, please. Send her appointment card in the mail.”
“Ava, have a nice day; call us if you need something.”
I turned and found Aggie looking distraught, twirling her keys in her hand.
I rolled my eyes and sighed at her. “I’m fine. Would you relax? Let’s go.”
We got down to her car. “Where to?” she asked in a chipper tone.
“Home,” I responded flatly.
“Nope! Girl’s day, you and me; a little lunch and then maybe some shopping. I think a day out will do you some good, Ava.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest. “I’m not hungry. Can we please go home?”
“No, Ava, we can’t.”
Aggie started the engine and drove to some restaurant where I picked at my food and tuned in and out periodically to her chatter.
“Where to now?” Her tone was still chipper. She wasn’t going to give up on this ‘girl’s day.’
“I don’t care, Aggie.”
“Don’t you have anything you want to shop for?”
I thought back to August’s comment about my unflattering sleeping attire. I grimaced at the thought of shopping for sexy clothes with Aggie.
“Let’s go to baio.” I mumbled.
“Ok!” Aggie responded and drove off towards L.A’s downtown shopping district.
I walked into the store with Aggie at my heels. She followed me as I walked straight to the back. Occasionally, Aggie would pause at table of neatly folded garments, pick something up only to set it back down again and walk a few quick steps to catch up with me.
I stood at the back wall that displayed strappy, barely there scraps of lace and silk material. I blushed at the thought of Ari’s mother standing behind me and began to grab one of everything in my size.
“Oh.” I heard Aggie say once she realized what I was getting. I swallowed back my embarrassment and continued my pursuit.
Once my arms were full with frightful panties, delicate bras and way-too-sexy-for-just-sleep clothes, I turned and faced her.
“Is there anything you want?” I circled my finger lazily around the store. “I mean … just grab what you like … I get it all for free.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.” I smiled at Aggie for the first time that day.
“Well … sure! What’d you get?”
“You know what I got, Aggie.” I frowned again.
Aggie giggled and turned back around to the back wall and picked out a red, very sexy piece of lingerie. I raised my eyebrow at her and she giggled again.
“Might be fun.” She said quickly as she turned and we walked towards the row of people standing behind a counter of cash registers. I took Aggie’s clothes, added them with mine and put the pile on the counter in front of a young, cute, baio employee.
“Good afternoon, Ava. Did you find what you were looking for today?” The cashier asked.
“Uh, yeah.” I answered briefly as she began to remove all of the security devices and then she boxed each item up separately.
“How can you just assume that these people know who you are, Ava? I mean baio must get new employees all the time; don’t they?”
I turned to Aggie, “I don’t know, Aggie. They just do. They always have. The employees at every baio I have ever stepped foot into have always known exactly who I am.”
“Um,” the girl behind the counter said, “they talk about you in orientation. There is a picture of you at each store across the world; Ari too, now that you are married. They play a video of Ms. Baio, she talks about how the company got started, and how you inspire everything she has ever designed. She started the lingerie line when you got married.” The girl smiled. “I think it is so sweet. Ms. Baio sends sugar-free cupcakes to every one of her stores in h
onor of your birthday for all the employees.”
I smiled at the girl and nodded. “There, Aggie, you happy?” My tone was a bit harsher than it should have been. “I’m mentioned in their orientation.” I rolled my eyes at the thought. Margaux is absurd. She’s a complete fake. Not once has she even sent me so much as a card on my birthday, yet all of her employees celebrate the day with cupcakes.
“Have someone bring the boxes to our car, please. It’s a white Audi parked just out front.”
“Yes,” the girl blushed, “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Alexander. Please forgive me. I shouldn’t have said anything.” I nodded at her.
“Can we go home now, Aggie?”
“Sure, Ava.”
On the ride home, Aggie had her music up loud. The same Snow Patrol album she had on the day before.
I was expecting Aggie to drop me off at the front door but instead she helped me unload all the baio boxes from her car to my bedroom floor. She turned to open our bedroom closet.
“Don’t,” I told her.
“Don’t what?” She opened the closet before I could respond and she gasped a bit at the sight of the God-awful mess.
Aggie bent down and began to pick the clothes off the floor.
“Aggie, leave it. I will clean the clothes up later.”
“Nonsense, I can pick this mess up in no time.”
“Damn it, I said leave the clothes alone!” I screamed at her. Her hands dropped to her sides in exasperation. Aggie straightened up her posture; she squared her shoulders and stared at me.
“Ava,” she said calmly. “You will not speak to me in that tone. I realize that you are dealing with some tough issues right now but that doesn’t let you off the hook for treating people with respect. Now, you and I are going to fix this house before Ari gets home. Do you understand me?”
For a second I considered kicking her out of my home. I contemplated screaming, yelling and even cussing. I even considered name-calling – but for just a second. Instead, without a word, I got down on my knees on the closet floor and began the task of tidying up the clothes. Aggie stayed soundlessly by my side as she folded my jeans and re-hung Ari’s dress shirts. She turned over tossed shoes placing them back on their soles and spit on each one, reciting ‘skorda’ as she placed them correctly on their soles, warding off the omen of death. The death I knew as certain, unavoidable and inevitable.
She pulled his sweatshirt up off the floor and began to fold it.
“I’ll take that.” I said quietly. She handed the gray sweatshirt over and I shoved it in the corner on the floor. “Just, please leave the sweatshirt alone.”
She nodded slowly, her eyes a bit wide.
An hour later, my closet was back in its original, organized state and it even included my new, frilly and delicate items from the day’s trip to baio.
Aggie moved on to making my bed. She tsked and instead of making the bed, she pulled the sheets and blankets off in to a pile on the floor, then she removed the pillows from their cases.
“Let’s run these through the wash.”
I looked down at my knotted fingers. She was making me feel like an errant child. I wash our sheets weekly. I may have just missed a week that’s all. I followed Aggie into the laundry room. She pulled a load of wrinkly clothes out of the dryer and sighed.
“What were you planning on making for dinner tonight, Ava? Let’s get started on that while I re-wash these clothes.”
I shook my head from side to side. “I had not planned for anything.”
“What do you mean? Were you two planning on going out tonight for dinner? Is there a special occasion?”
“No … I just hadn’t thought about dinner yet.”
Aggie looked down at her watch with a frown. It was half past four.
“Dinner is a daily occurrence. It should never just sneak up on you like this.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled under my breath and Aggie shot me a little warning look.
I sat in the kitchen and watched Aggie pull ingredients out of my refrigerator and pantry. She pulled out turkey burger, potatoes, breadcrumbs, eggs and a bunch of other items I didn’t know were in my pantry.
“Turkey meatloaf with mashed potatoes and homemade macaroni and cheese – Ari will love it.” Aggie said as she held out a potato peeler for me to take. I didn’t offer out my hand. Aggie picked my arm up and shoved the peeler in my palm. “Get to work on the potatoes, Ava. I will start the meatloaf.”
“I don’t like meatloaf.”
Aggie laughed. “Men love meatloaf, so get used to making it!”
I rolled my eyes at Aggie, playfully, and began to peel potatoes. After a while, Aggie washed her hands and turned to leave my kitchen.
“Where are you going?” I asked quickly with a bit of panic in my voice. My words popped out of my mouth – I didn’t have a chance to add a filter to the way they made me sound – scared and desperate.
“The laundry – brand new, state-of-the-art dryer and already the buzzer is broken!” Aggie pointed in the direction of my laundry room.
“Oh, of course.” I said sounding much more confident.
Dinner was in the oven, my house was clean. I could hear the rumble of the clothes dryer, which was filled with my fluffy blankets. Aggie stuck around into the evening.
“Andy must be wondering where you are.”
“Andy knows right where I am, Ava.”
“Oh.”
“Come here, Baby.” Aggie patted on the cushion next to her on the couch. I took a seat. “You are going to get through this – whatever this is. He can’t hurt you anymore. Damien Kakos is gone. You are safe and you are loved by all of us. Take your time in healing but please be honest with us when you are having a hard day. Please don’t ever hesitate to ask any member of this family for help.”
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes. “I’m fine.”
“Look at me.” I looked up in to Aggie’s eyes. “Ava Alexander, you are very far away from being fine.”
The reverberation of the garage door was just enough of a distraction for me to narrowly escape an emotional breakdown.
Ari walked into the house just moments later and his presence alone put me at ease.
“Hi Baby.” Ari’s crease was there in his forehead.
He looked me up and down over and over again. He pulled me into his arms and held me in a warm hug. He kissed the top of my head, then my forehead. He smiled down at me and then kissed me on the lips, softly and chastely.
“Did you make it to the doctor in time?”
“Yes.” I looked down at the floor. Ari looked over to his mother.
“We made it in time,” she agreed. “He wants her back in four weeks.”
“Did you make an appointment?” he asked me.
“No, the nurse is going to mail me an appointment card.”
He nodded. “How was your day? What else did you do?”
“Uh, we went to lunch, and then we went to baio, then we came home … that’s it.”
“What did you get at baio? God knows the last thing you need is more clothes.”
I shrugged, pulled at the hem of my shirt and blushed a bit. “Nothing really … just some stuff.”
Aggie giggled. “I have to get going. I am sure your father is famished. Your dinner is in the oven, Ari. It should be ready in fifteen minutes.”
“Call Dad, have him come over, you two can eat here,” Ari suggested to his mother.
“Thank you for the offer, but no. You two need some time together. Call me if you need me.”
Ari unlaced his fingers from the small of my back. “I’ll walk you out.”
The two of them walked to the door. I could hear them talking in hushed tones. They had a lengthy conversation and then I finally heard the door close. I pulled out the meatloaf and the mac and cheese. I dished up plates, gathered the silverware, the drinks and set the dinner table. Ari and I had a nice evening, quiet but nice. He told me about work, how his meeting went. I tol
d him about baio and the fact that every store has our picture. He told me he already knew that – that he had seen the orientation video when he was hired, a mandatory sort of thing. We went to bed early. I donned my usual tee-shirt and boxers, Ari petted my hair, and stroked his long fingers up and down the length of my arm, occasionally tracing the outline of my tattoos until I fell asleep.