by Scott, Eliot
Last night was my dark angel coming out, and today he gets the good one.
Good until I decide to be naughty, I muse to myself, smiling at the memories of last night.
My aunt knocks lightly at my door, and I hide behind it as I open it slowly, calling out “I’m not quite—decent” to make sure it’s not Emily awake too early or Alex trying to get a peek at the bride ahead of time.
“I’ve got your grandmother’s dress,” she says, shoving her way inside with a large box. “If it doesn’t fit, Alex had the bridal shop send over a couple of other choices, but let’s start with this one.”
“Okay,” I say, working hard to steel myself for possible disappointment. My mother’s dress was lost in the fire, but Shelly, she’s had a way of hanging onto things her entire life. It’s why she’s in the antique business.
“This box hasn’t been touched in over sixty years. Let’s hope the moths haven’t gotten inside.” She grins excitedly as she takes a half-damp cloth to wipe the layer of dust away from the box’s lid. I cough as she opens it, worried that the dress buried inside will be too yellow to wear today.
She peels back layers of cotton and aged paper before finally unfurling heavy folds of satin over the bed. My grandmother’s dress is stunning, an old fashioned, princess cut ballgown.
“It’s so perfect,” I say, running my hand along the beadwork that my own grandmother did herself as a young girl. Too young to marry, but married all the same. It isn’t my mom’s, but it’s just as special.
“I knew you’d love it,” Shelly says, working up the skirt with her hands and lifting the dress so I can slide up and underneath. “Walt had to help me get it down from the rafters. Now, let’s see how I can make this thing fit.”
I pause, realizing my uncle Walt is here, too. He’s the closest thing to a dad that I have. It’s hunting season, and for him, that’s everything.
“He came home…for this?” I meet Aunt Shelly’s eyes, mine becoming glossy.
“Oh honey, of course he did. I’m not promising more than the ceremony, though. You know that man and those damn ducks. It’s half the reason we’re still together—I can count on him being gone for long stretches at a time.” We both laugh at Walt’s expense, but I know every word she spoke was with love. She loves her independence, and she loves how Walt’s obsessions and quirks fit into the mix. What would she stuff and mount, after all, if he didn’t like to prowl around the woods for weeks on end?
I’ve been told that I look a lot like my grandmother. It’s something both of my parents said, and I hope it means our figures weren’t very different. I swim up the lining and my body makes its way through the skirt and into the tight bodice. I suck in my stomach and feel for the arm holes.
“There are so many buttons!” I marvel at the long line of pearl-sized buttons and the little eye hooks that are supposed to go over each one to close the dress.
“Ahh, yes. Zippers were only for the cheap gowns back then.” My aunt’s deft fingers get to work, and as it closes along my back, I wriggle my way all the way in. After she closes the last button, she begins smoothing out the layers, pulling and tugging at the skirt that drapes over my hips and down my legs, falling in classic sweeps befitting of a dress worn during the second World War.
“Oh, honey. It fits like a glove.”
Her voice is smothered in emotion, and I prepare myself to turn and take my image in from the mirror behind me.
Twisting my neck, I look over the back first, loving the effect of the buttons linked all the way up my spine and how they make my waist seem so narrow. They end just between my shoulder blades where the dress is open, exposing the skin of my upper back. The soft sleeves fall off my shoulders just right, and the princess cut hugs my waist, folds of fabric reflecting the light and casting sweeps of shadows over my hips until the dress stops at my ankles.
“Just one last thing,” my aunt says, reaching deep into her pocket and pulling out a Cameo broach that I recognize.
“This was my mom’s!” I choke out.
Shelly nods. “You’re mother had lent it to me—I’d forgotten I had it until long after you moved away. I’ve been saving it for you.”
We both try to get our emotions back in order as Shelly takes the broach and tugs at the gathering in the center of my chest enough to keep me from getting stuck with the sharp end as she pushes the pin through and clasps it straight in the center.
“There. Something old. I guess two things old.” She smiles, satisfied.
I lean forward and take her hands with mine and our foreheads fall into one another lightly. “I love you, Aunt Shelly.”
“I love you too.” She sighs. “You’re so beautiful. Your mom, and your grandmother…they would have loved to see this.”
“I feel like they’re here, like they can see me. I know they can feel my happiness all the way up to heaven.”
“Of this, I’m sure.” Shelly grins, walking backward with me so we can look at the dress all over again in the full-length mirror.
My hair is tucked up with hidden bobby pins and the length curls loosely down my back.
“Mommy!” Emily barrels into the room, all zipped up into the little white dress we’d all agreed she’d wear for the ceremony. “I’ve brought your shoes! They were in the kitchen and Daddy thinks you’ll need them. He’s all ready to go. He looks so funny and nervous, and I’m not supposed to tell you any of the surprises but there are so many of those out there, and you should see what Ajax has to wear and…” She comes to an instant stop, grinning ear-to-ear just before she says breathlessly, “You look like a real princess!”
“So do you, honey.” I bend slowly and hug her, afraid to tear the old dress.
Emily sets down the simple pair of silk slippers. “Good work, Emily.” Shelly smiles. “Those came with the dress.”
I’m instantly grateful that they aren’t heels. They look almost like ballet shoes, only the top is marked with a thin row of pearls.
“They’re probably real.” My aunt runs a finger over the line of round, iridescent balls.
“That’s intimidating, considering I’m bound to trip over my feet and pop them off.” I joke, only it’s not really a joke. I’m not really steady on my feet—especially now that I’m dizzy with happiness.
I put each shoe on carefully, one at a time, and Aunt Shelly holds up a thin wire band wrapped in twists of wildflowers and leaves, something she made herself last night by collecting anything and everything beautiful that grows around the lake.
Smiling, and with Emily looking on with eyes big and bright, I bend forward so Shelly can pin it to my head.
“What about a veil, Mommy?”
“I wanted to make sure I saw everything clearly today, with my own eyes and my own heart. A veil might get in the way of that.”
My answer makes my daughter smile and nod once in agreement. Shelly pins a miniature flower-and-leaf band on to Emily’s head next, then she asks both of us, “Are you two ready?”
I slide my hand into Emily’s, and together we both face our last living relative. I search deep in her eyes to make sure she’s clear of reservations. I see nothing but joy.
“Yes. I’m ready.”
“Me, too,” my daughter pipes in, adding in a very loud shout for one so small, “Daddy here we come!”
13.
Alex, Present day.
I’m nearly brought to my knees as Jojo and Emily walk towards me wearing white dresses, smiling.
Jo’s dress couldn’t be more perfect, and I can tell, even from a distance, that it’s special—old. Emily is perfection, too, the skirt of her dress swaying along the space between her ankles and knee as she exaggerates her steps, her face scrunched up and serious for such a formal occasion. She’s trying to act so grown up, and all I want to do is run up to her, lift her to the sky, and beg her to stay young and innocent like this forever.
This moment, it’s surreal, a dream, and it’s all I’ve ever imagined. I can’t believ
e they’re on their way “to marry me.” Just last night, before she hugged me to say goodnight, Emily linked our pinky fingers and said she was promising to be connected to me forever, and today it’s really happening.
I’m in a trance as Jojo steps closer and walks across our rock with her confident gait. The beaded lace that swirls around the entire dress wraps around her waist, making her look like she’s stepped out of another time. The heavy folds of fabric that look as though they’re made for a queen to wear drape off of her narrow hips. The dresses Aunt Shelly had me purchase last minute as backups don’t even come close to it in scope and beauty. I’m caught on the way her hand—the left one—engagement ring winking at me in the sunlight, gathers up the front of the gown as her feet find their balance so she can move along the rock. When she reaches my side, she lets go and the dress falls in a heavy cascade, swinging around us both with its grandeur.
And just like the first time we met, during that summer before our freshman year, Jojo turns her twinkling eyes up and locks them onto mine. She has this look about her. She’s glowing, and I’m filled with this sensation that she’s someone from another world.
A magical being. A girl…out for a little adventure.
The thought activates a grin, and though I try to fight it, I feel one side of my lips twisting up. Jojo notices, tilting her head ever so slightly, her own smile starting to form. My heart jolts and then settles into pure joy.
Her long, waving brown hair is down and has become a part of the wind and the lake, exactly how I love it. It’s wild, like the storms that brew over the ocean and rush onto land. Wild…like her. Her face is void of any makeup, except what appears to be the littlest bits of mascara and an almost imperceptible shade of gray beneath her eyes. The red in her cheeks I recognize as her own brand of Jojo’s heated blushing.
Little Emily, the person that I still can’t get over how she’s somehow half Jojo, half me, and completely herself, is clinging fiercely to her mother’s hand. Ajax, not to be outdone, is trailing behind our daughter, a fat tulle bow around his neck, his full belly nearly dragging under him as he gets one puppy tooth hooked into Emily’s dress. As though Emily’s been coached on what to do, she walks her mother all the way to Walt first, dragging Ajax along with her the entire way. Walt takes Jojo’s arm and Emily picks up her hand. Then, they all come to me, and she and Walt both place Jojo’s hand into mine. Emily’s little face goes even more stoic as she folds our hands together, slipping hers in between ours. Walt, grinning, clasps his hand on top of them all, ceremoniously bonding the three of us together.
When that’s completed, Emily breaks out into giggles as Ajax nearly pulls her backwards into the lake in his puppy vs. fluffy-white-dress, tug-of-war game.
Shelly, Jojo and I grab Emily but can’t resist laughing, too, as we help the puppy and Emily get untangled. The three of us, this time minus the puppy making trouble, line up again. The puppy is finally flopped down for a nap. We have no other audience, so however and wherever we end up is the perfect place to be as long as we’re together.
Shelly looks the part of a perfect officiator in a formal black dress. It’s probably from the antique shop where she dug up Jojo’s dress. She’s also managed to find a rather nice white cape that adds a formal yet whimsical drama to what she’s about to do for us. I nod to her then turn my attention back to my bride, leaning in close enough to whisper. “You look stunning. I’m the happiest man on earth right now, Jojo.”
“Thank you,” she says, her lips wrapping around the words slowly. Her eyes blink closed as she looks down and touches the length of her gown. “It was my grandmother’s.”
I nod in appreciation as she adds, “And you also look—hot.” Her blush fires into her cheeks. “And…so you know, I’m the happiest woman on earth right now.”
“Thanks for marrying me, Jojo.” She flushes more and nods, biting her lip and keeping silent, this time because I can see she’s choked up.
I know how much marriage, and standing up with me in a white dress passed down through the Wallace family, must mean to her. She’s always been about family and symbols. And because I’ve always been all about making her happy, knowing that she’s so moved right now has taken my heart all the way to the moon, brought up pricks of moisture at my own eyes, and has robbed me of my words too.
When Jojo and I clam up, Shelly helps us along by pulling a phone out of her pocket that’s already turned on and is running FaceTime. “First things first. Jeff has to be part of this! You there, Jeff?”
“I’m here, lovebirds. And I couldn’t be happier with what is happening here today.”
Jojo and Emily laugh and shout out happily, “Jeff! Jeff!”
I smile at the grinning man in the phone. “Thank God. I needed a best man. I was feeling very out numbered.”
Jeff laughs from the phone. “Happy to have the job, and welcome to the family.”
I let that word sink inside me for just a beat. Family. That word has always been this illusive thing to me. Something that I craved, but that I thought would never really be for me. That it would only mean things like rules, cruelty, danger and revenge. If Jojo becomes a Sinclair today, Jojo and Emily, then the word family will mean what it should. Love. Unconditional, beautiful love. And I’m glad Jeff is a part of it—us.
“Thank you, Jeff.” I nod and smile, making sure to pause and receive his genuine expression of happiness back.
After a few more seconds of nervous laughter, we prop Jeff on a deep divot in the rock, next to where I’ve placed every white orchid available for purchase from every flower shop in Tacoma. We want to be sure he’s able to see the entire wedding area, as well as the morning view of the lake, right along with us.
He and Walt will serve as our witnesses, signing electronically as is the new tradition for hurried, modern weddings. We’ve brought the best of the old and new together for this, and even though I’m sad that my mother—no one from my family at all, actually—is here with me, I’m also relieved. It’s too soon to introduce Emily, and though I hope my mother will come around and let go of some of the hurt we’ve all suffered, I’m not willing to risk Emily’s happiness or safety to help bring about the changes she’s facing in her own life. For my mom to come around, it will take time, and with her, it’s possible I’m simply being my usual, overly optimistic self.
When I return to Jojo’s side, Emily sits down next to Ajax on the rock, and JoJo and I both look at Shelly again, letting her show us how to proceed. Luckily, she did her homework, and quickly shushes Jeff and Emily who’ve been babbling to each other on and off this whole time.
“I’m a Lutheran,” Shelly starts, drawing everyone silent. “And though this is not a Lutheran wedding, I find the vows said at the traditional ceremonies to be very romantic and appropriate for you two. So I’ve written them out on a card for each of you.”
She pauses to pull two white cards out of her cape pocket and hands one to me and one to Jojo.
“There.” She continues. “You’re to read the vows out loud and add in your names where I drew the blank lines. Can you do that?”
We both nod, glancing at one another and smirking because Shelly is using that teacher voice, like we’re school children.
“Jojo. Ladies first.”
Jojo looks at the card and with zero hesitation begins with, “I, Jojo Wallace—uh—soon to be Jojo Sinclair?” She bites her lip, then breathes out nervously, glancing around our tiny group and back at me before saying, “I take you, Alex Sinclair, to be my husband, and these things I promise you: I will be faithful to you.” She pauses to lock into my gaze before glancing down to quickly read more. “And…and I will be honest with you; I will respect, trust, help, and care for you.”
She sighs and smiles, like she’s reading ahead and likes what it says. “I will share my life with you, Alex. I will forgive you as we have been forgiven.” The hand that she’s had nestled in mine squeezes mine as hard as she can at those words.
I squeeze back, because knowing her, she’s forgiving me all over again. I know without a doubt that with this hand squeeze here, and the way her eyes are boring into mine, that Jojo is asking me to please, finally, totally forgive myself.
When I smile at her, my eyes send out the message that I have—that I am forgiven—and that she’s finally done that for me. She or God, because I must be forgiven if I’m getting to have the happy ending I never thought would belong to me.
She seems to understand, and nods once, turning her gaze back to the card. “And…I…will try with you to be better. To understand ourselves, the world, and God; through the best and worst of what is to come, and as long as we both shall live." Her voice has turned all raspy, and shaky, and sweet, and when she looks at me next, I again feel there’s a higher power here with us. It’s like God, or the universe, or all of the stars in the sky have finally aligned.
This beautiful redemption is erasing so much of the darkness and guilt that is still inside of me. It’s lifting me up so high that I’m looking down on it all—on Jojo and Emily. My new family is real, and it’s mine forever now, and I know, right in this moment, that I’m somehow getting a gift. I’m utterly reborn.
I cry openly as I say the beautiful vows she said to me, right back to her. Each and every line uttered to Jojo, in the creation of this new contract and union between us, heals me. It elevates me, and at the end I’ve been humbled completely by this new feeling of gratitude that’s in my heart.
I turn to my daughter who’s now lounging on her back, staring up at the sky, completely oblivious, taking for granted, just how she should, the fact that her parents have just transformed into one right in front of her. “Emily,” I whisper, smiling down at her. “Remember? The rings? It’s your turn.”