“Probably? You already told me that you think she still has feelings for you. We went through this last year when you took a trip to California and came back saying she wanted you to move back to Sacramento…So, how long has this been planned?”
“I would have told you sooner, but I swear you are never home. And what am I supposed to do? Mention it as you’re walking out the door? Or some night after we finish having sex? ‘By the way, my ex, you know, the one you hate, is coming to town. How do you feel about that?’”
“I don’t hate her, Lisa. I hardly know her. You’re the one who told me that you want to keep her in your life but you’re not sure how since she’s still interested in you. How am I supposed to feel about that?”
“I’m not trying to hide anything. That’s why I told you all of that.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me the trip to California was to see Jen. I didn’t find out about that until afterward. And you’ve obviously had this dinner date planned for a while. You could have found a way to tell me sooner.” Riley stood up and went to the kitchen. She paced back to the living room. “What if I said that I don’t want you to have dinner with her? Would it matter?”
“Riley, don’t go there. This is just dinner. I’m not going back to her hotel room.”
“Right.” Riley paced back to the kitchen. She braced her hands against the counter, staring at Lisa. It was true that she hadn’t been home enough. It was also true that the result—Lisa starting things up with Jen—infuriated her. “I think you should go home tonight.”
“I am home.”
“You know what I mean.”
“You want me to go to my mom’s place?”
“Yeah. Where you are supposed to live.” Riley closed her eyes. She was exhausted. “I need some space to think.”
“Space to think? That’s what people say when they want to break up but don’t have the guts to do it.”
“I’m not saying that.”
Lisa shook her head. “If you want to break up with me, tell me. I’m not going to do it for you. I don’t want to break up with you, Riley.”
“You’re the one who is bringing Jen back into the equation. I thought things were fine with us.”
“Yeah, we’re fine,” Lisa said. Sarcasm edged her voice when she added, “We hardly see each other so how can there be any problems?”
Riley felt the pressure of tears forming in her eyes. She rubbed her face and clenched her jaw, determined not to cry. She knew it was just that she was too tired. That made it hard to hold back tears. “Look, I don’t want to break up tonight. I don’t want to do anything tonight. I only want to be alone for the night.”
“Not ‘tonight’? But after you’ve been alone and had some time to think, then you’ll call me and we can schedule a break-up night?”
“I’m not saying that.”
“Fine. Whatever. I told you the truth about Jen. I’ve answered every question you ever asked me. We’re only friends. Why do you think I told you that she was coming here if I wanted to start things up with her again?” Lisa kicked the fireplace grate. Her ball of ashes rolled closer to the logs with the rush of air. “I told you that I wanted to have dinner with her. It isn’t like I needed to ask your permission.” Lisa flicked the gas switch and the flames ceased a moment later. She grabbed the coat that she’d left on the loveseat and hesitated a moment. “I’m going out to dinner with her. I’ll call you after.” She went out the door without looking back at Riley.
Riley had bought Lisa’s coat from Lands End and now the catalogs came monthly. For whatever reason, Lisa had decided to give away all of her warm coats when she moved to California. A cold snap in late September came when Lisa was broke and Riley had ordered the coat without giving it much thought. Lisa was always too broke to buy anything decent anyway. But Lisa had been pissed when the coat came and she saw the price tag. She’d thought Riley had spent too much money and wanted to return it. Money hadn’t really come up as an issue before the coat, and Riley hadn’t told her anything about her own finances. She nearly did then, but Lisa ended up apologizing and wearing the coat after all.
Riley stared at the fireplace, suddenly cold. She was homesick and the only person she wanted to talk to, other than her mom, was Blair. It was too late to call Blair, and she didn’t have the energy to tell her mom the entire story, even if she knew what that was. Her mom would ask.
Riley only knew one thing for sure—Lisa was lying. She was more than just friends with Jen. She had seen Jen’s name come up more than a few times on Lisa’s phone in the past year.
The California trip last spring had been the tipping point. At first she’d accepted the story that Lisa had given her, but slowly she’d begun to question everything Lisa said. Lisa had claimed that she’d gone to California to visit her old friends Chris and Marie. She’d said that they had “happened” to run into Jen. She’d known Lisa kept in touch with Jen, but after that trip her name came up more and more. Lisa’s excuse was always that she was worried about Jen’s depression and needed to check in on her regularly.
Though Riley had elected to believe her, beeping notifications about missed calls, text messages and online posts popped up regularly on Lisa’s cell phone with Jen’s name flashing beneath them. She’d never read the messages; until now, she had convinced herself that they didn’t matter. Now she desperately wanted to scan through them.
The following evening, Riley awoke to the phone ringing. It was past midnight. She stumbled over to the dresser, found her cell phone and answered the line. She didn’t need to look at the caller’s number to know who would be calling.
“I’m at my mom’s,” Lisa said. “I can’t sleep so I’m calling you. I had dinner with Jen tonight. And I wanted to let you know that I’m sleeping in my own bed. Or trying to sleep, anyway. We hugged. That was it. Are you still mad?”
Riley didn’t answer. She crawled back under the covers and balanced the phone on the pillow.
“Okay, I can tell you are still mad. My mom said you blew up at Laney today. Possibly misdirected anger?”
Laney was the receptionist. She had scheduled two of Riley’s clients at the same time and then called a different client to try and reschedule. Riley had to call all three to explain the problem. Then she yelled at Laney. It wasn’t the first time she’d made a mistake. In fact, it was a nearly weekly occurrence. But it was the first time Riley had ever raised her voice at anyone she worked with and so unprofessional that she’d wanted to melt into her office chair afterward. Laney had left early with a headache, and Riley never had a chance to apologize. She’d gone to the gym after work and terrorized a treadmill for an hour, then done too many sets at the weight bench. “Possibly.”
“I think Jen is going to get this job. She has good references and she thinks the interview went well. They asked her if she could start in two weeks if they ended up hiring her.”
“So, are you two planning on getting a place together? Roomies with benefits?” Riley wondered if she and Lisa would, in fact, break up over the phone. She was wide awake now and almost said, “Okay, good luck, Lisa,” but she felt nauseous and couldn’t bring herself to say the words aloud.
“No.” Lisa paused. She took a deep breath and exhaled. Lisa’s old yoga habit of deep breathing always made Riley tense. “I’m calling to ask if I can move in with you. I want to make it official. I want you to know where I am every night. I want you to know that I’m in love with you and don’t want to sleep in anyone else’s bed. And I don’t want to feel like I’m just keeping my stuff at your place. I want it to be our place. I want to pay half the bills.”
“You know I don’t need you to do that.” Riley rolled onto her back. She stared at the ceiling. The streetlight shone through her window and made strange long shadows. She had left the drapes open tonight. Lisa was usually the one who closed them. “The thing is, Jen will be a part of your life. You’ll be working together.”
“It’s a big hospital. I may run into h
er, yes, but that’s it. This isn’t about Jen. It’s about you and me. I don’t want you to be able to kick me out of your life so easy. I was pissed when I left your place. Then I cried the whole way home. I kept expecting you to call and apologize for nearly breaking up with me. Over an ex showing up again in my life. That’s it.” Lisa paused. When Riley didn’t answer, she said, “Then I realized you are so damn scared that I will hurt you that you’d rather hurt me first. So, then I felt sorry for you. In some weird way, it made so much sense. Of course you would kick me out first.”
The words hit Riley like a fist in the stomach. She felt tears well in her eyes. “I’m sorry about what I said. I really am.”
“Ask me.”
“To move in?” Riley took the phone off her ear and stared at the black screen. She tapped the phone and Lisa’s picture glowed. In the image, Lisa was wearing a black sports bra and jean cutoffs. Her feet were submerged from the calf down in a silvery black pool of water. Behind her, the waterfall that formed the pool cascaded down a gray granite slab. Riley had climbed out on a felled tree, the trunk and branches half submerged in the water, to get the shot. The screen went dark and Lisa’s image disappeared. Riley stretched across the bed, her arm covering the depression in the mattress where Lisa always slept. The bed was too big without Lisa lying next to her. She closed her eyes and put the phone against her ear again. “Would you like to move in with me?”
“Yeah, I would.” Lisa took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Damn it, Riley, why didn’t you ask me this last year?”
“I’m sorry,” Riley murmured.
“Me too. Now I’m going to get back in the car and drive home.”
Lisa hung up before Riley could say anything else. If she’d asked her to move in with her right when they’d moved to Denver, would all of this with Jen not have come up? Was that what Lisa was suggesting? Riley set the phone on the nightstand and stared at the ceiling.
* * *
When the last client finally left, Riley changed in the office, shut off the lights and set the alarm. Everyone else had left over an hour ago to get ready for the annual holiday party. Riley passed the Italian restaurant that made her favorite calzones. The place looked warm and inviting, and she longed to go inside, but she was expected at Jeanette’s house in twenty minutes. Gary, the manager, waved to her as she paused by the front window. He only had two customers seated; most of their business was delivery in the winter months. It was snowing, but the pavement was still warm enough to melt the flakes when they hit. She waved to Gary and trudged to her car.
Counting the clinic’s staff, a few referring doctors, nurses Jeanette knew from the hospital and other therapists in the Denver area, Jeanette had invited more than eighty people to the event. Riley had to park a block away. She made her way through a crowd of strangers in Jeanette’s front room and then spotted Laney, the clinic receptionist, who was waving at her enthusiastically. Riley nodded and went over to say hello. Laney had a frothy white drink in her hand and pressed close to Riley to say, “You have to try Jeanette’s eggnog.”
Riley forced a smile. “Better than last year?”
Laney took a big sip to confirm this and patted Riley’s arm as if they were close friends. Riley tried not to stiffen with the touch. Things had continued to be strained between them since she’d yelled at her. Riley had been trying to make amends for her unprofessional outburst, but she had been upset enough about the recurring errors to tell Jeanette that she thought Laney ought to be fired for all of the mistakes that she’d made. Jeanette was strangely loyal to her staff, though, especially the dysfunctional ones among them. She’d promised to speak to Laney about the need to serve their clients better, but Riley doubted she would.
Jeanette had hired a caterer for the occasion. A server wandered past now with a tray of appetizers. Riley shook her head as he walked up to her. Laney reached for one and started to chat with him, giving Riley the excuse she needed to slip away. She noticed two nurses that she recognized from the hospital and stopped to speak with them, thinking Jeanette would be pleased if she happened to walk by, but she made a quick excuse to move on when the conversation turned to work topics.
She headed to the family room. Jeanette had high ceilings and the tree she’d gotten towered at probably twelve feet. She spotted Lisa standing opposite the tree. Jen was next to her. Riley paused. She stepped to the side when a couple tried to squeeze between her and the sofa.
A different server came up to her with a tray of drinks. “Eggnog? With or without rum?”
Riley shook her head and let the server move on. Jen leaned close and whispered something into Lisa’s ear. Riley felt her stomach tighten. Lisa laughed in response and then pointed at the tree. Despite all of the assurances that Lisa had given her, seeing them interact still made her question if either could keep the friendship platonic.
“Riley?”
Riley turned and recognized one of Jeanette’s friends. She remembered her from the Christmas party the previous year. They’d had a long conversation, but she couldn’t quite remember the woman’s name. She did remember that the woman had been a nurse for years and then had come to work with Jeanette but had finally retired. She also remembered very clearly that she’d been mourning the loss of her lover and had gotten quite drunk while they’d chatted. She’d also been generous with stories from Lisa’s past.
“You’ve forgotten my name, haven’t you, sweetie? I know that searching look.” She chuckled and extended her hand. “I’m Sharon.”
“Sharon, right. Thank you. I’m terrible with names. I remember our conversation very well, however.”
They had begun talking last year, by chance, mostly because Lisa had worked late and didn’t show at the party until nearly ten o’clock. Sharon had started the conversation over a cheese platter. She’d gone on for quite a long while about different cheeses and Riley had tried to find an escape. But then after several glasses of wine, the conversation turned to love and philosophy and Riley was hooked. Sharon talked mostly about her partner, who had died the year prior, but her views about love and the pursuit of it had fascinated Riley.
Sharon raised an eyebrow and then tilted her head toward Lisa and Jen. There were at least a dozen others between Riley and where Lisa stood, but she knew what Sharon was motioning toward. “Jeanette tells me that you are still together.”
“I don’t want to know how much Jeanette tells her friends about her daughter’s dating life.”
“She only mentioned it because I asked if you were still in the picture,” Sharon admitted. “I thought you would have moved on, to tell you the truth, and I wondered if Jeanette had managed to keep you in Denver. So, how are things going with you and Lisa?”
“Fine. I’ve been busy with work and so has she, but we are doing okay overall.” Riley paused. She sensed something underlying Sharon’s question. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I’m old and nosy, I guess.” Sharon glanced again at Lisa. She shook her head then and said, “I should know better than to get into other people’s business, but I’m going to ask anyway. How do you feel about Lisa’s ex moving back here?”
“Since Lisa has mentioned that Jen still has feelings for her, I don’t like it, of course. But I’m trying to trust Lisa.” Riley glanced over at Lisa again. She was standing close enough to Jen to kiss her. “You think I shouldn’t?”
“I wouldn’t.”
Riley knew what Sharon was implying, but she needed more than someone’s doubt to sway her from believing Lisa. “Why not?”
“Maybe I trust intuition more than a lover’s promise. And maybe I’ve heard something that I wish I could tell you. I know it’s none of my business.” Sharon sighed. “You were so sweet last year letting me go on about my Cherie. I don’t think I let you talk with anyone else that night. After I left, I started to feel awful for dumping all of that on you. Especially at a party. It must have been the wine. Or the combination of that and too much of Jeanette’s eggnog. I’m not
usually like that. But it was also the first Christmas after I’d lost her…” Sharon held up her glass of water. “No eggnog tonight.”
Lisa walked up to them. “Hey, Riley. You’re finally here. Working late again?” Lisa gave her a peck on the cheek before Riley could respond. “You know Sharon?”
Sharon smiled. “I met Riley at your mother’s last Christmas party. I was just thanking her for giving an old lady a shoulder and an ear last year. I needed it.” Sharon clasped Lisa’s hand. “Did you know, Riley, I’ve known Lisa since she was a little girl with pigtails?” She laughed. “Now I feel really old.” She pointed to a server carrying a tray of pastries. “Time for dessert, ladies. I’m following those baklava.”
Lisa slipped her arm between Riley’s. “Tried the shrimp yet?”
“No.” Riley glanced over at the tree. Jen had disappeared. She pulled her arm free. “I think I’d like a drink.”
Lisa seemed to notice the cool response. “You okay?”
“No.”
“What is it?”
Riley stopped the next server who walked by with a tray of filled wineglasses. She took a glass of red.
“You don’t like wine,” Lisa said flatly.
“I don’t feel like eggnog, and I doubt your mom bought beer for this event.” Riley took a sip, then set the glass on the nearest counter. It was bitter and she had no stomach for it. She didn’t want Lisa to be right about anything at the moment, but the wine was too much.
“Something’s wrong. I can tell. You are easy to read.”
“You told me once that you would never want an open relationship. I thought it was a funny thing to say, at the time, because we were sitting on the back porch of my old place in Sacramento looking for shooting stars. There was supposed to be a bunch of shooting stars that night, I don’t remember why, but the moon was too full to see much of anything besides the moon. I wondered why you suddenly were thinking about open relationships, but when I asked, you said you didn’t have a reason.”
Sweet, Sweet Wine Page 18