“Well…blood, obviously. Tears, sweat, mucus…” To that I made a gagging face; the idea of actively ingesting someone else’s mucus was not something I wanted to imagine. He made a grimace himself in agreement.
“Yeah, I’m not fond of that one either, and wouldn’t personally but…then there’s um…” He cleared his throat before continuing, almost as if the next bit was awkward for him to say. “Well…saliva…and um…and other things.”
“Other things?”
“Please…don’t make me say it.”
“Oh…Ohhhhh. Sexual things?” I mouthed, which he read easily. I found myself blushing as I asked, the words clearly uncomfortable to him as well as he nodded. I was unsure why it was such an odd thing for him to mention.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I don’t, usually…I shouldn’t.”
“I’m glad you are. Really. I didn’t mean to doubt your spell talk back there I just…I’m still trying to understand all of this.”
With a hand placed gently on his leg, I made sure to catch his eye. I wanted him to know how grateful I was that he was confiding in me as much as he already was, and for trusting me with all of this. Not everyone would be so calm, I imagined—if you considered this calm. He seemed to admire the gesture. Suddenly, an epiphany hit me, my hand shooting up to try and steer my thoughts, which were turning into less than appropriate waters.
“Wait, wait…you said saliva would work, right?”
“Well, yes…but why—”
“So like…a kiss?” I interrupted him, watching his smile melt away as he gulped.
“A…kiss?” Though his skin tone was too uneven to tell for sure, I swore he blushed. I know I did.
“Y-yes, would a kiss work?”
“I mean…I suppose. But why? Besides, if you’re not will—”
“Yes, I get the willing part, Maddy. I just…what do you need? Permission?”
“I don’t…understand.” I didn’t fully understand either, but for some reason we both took that moment to look over at Iris, who was much cleaner now and slept soundly. “Besides, um…a…kiss might not be the best id—”
“You have my permission.” The words slipped out so fast they slurred, and all I could hear was the increasing pace of our breaths as our lips touched. No, it wasn’t the right moment—hell, it wasn’t even a good moment, but I shot forward anyway, taking hold of his head as my lips met his. We both sat motionless for a moment. Once my lips began to move and his didn’t, I worried I’d overstepped my bounds.
I pulled away slowly, hands still planted on his face as my eyes opened. He stared hard back at me, eyes wide and locked on mine. My fingers lifted to caress the side of his soiled face, his eyes flickering, and in that moment he became even more beautiful to me. I looked back at his lips, and he looked at mine, our gazes meeting again as we felt our timid breaths collide with one another. My chest pressed against his.
“Mmm…” I moaned, desire taking over as I shot back in for another, kissing him even more sloppily this time. It’d been a while since I made out with someone, and I felt so out of practice. Maybe he wasn’t reacting because it was bad, but I knew I was giving myself completely to this. The more I danced my lips across his, no matter how unmoving they were, the more my worries began to melt away.
After a while, I tried a different approach, attempting to coax his lips open with the tip of my tongue as they began to part. My tongue slipped between those trembling lips to meet his, which soon collided with mine just as sloppily. It was like the both of us were making out for the first time, awkward and unsure, until we found a sync.
His mouth tasted of copper, but was also somehow sweet. His walls crumbled, our mouths finally finding the rhythm they had sought. What had started as a moment of clumsy affection turned into something better—something perfect.
With each breath, instinctive twitch, or moan from one of us, the other would react, our bodies swaying together as I felt his arms envelop me. My hands grew maniacal—sliding, groping, and grabbing all over his head, neck, and chest. He was showing plenty more restraint than I was, but I could feel his body growing stronger.
As the minutes passed, his intermittent wincing turned to groans of approval, his smooth tongue lashing wildly in my mouth. I welcomed the advance. Even his breathing had intensified, his heavy breaths heating my mouth like a wildfire. The more virile he seemed to grow, the weaker I became, like the life was draining from me.
Our kisses seemed to lose strength as well, but only because I couldn’t keep up. I felt out of breath as his wet lip locks began to cease. I wanted to keep going, so badly, but I couldn’t.
“Don’t…stop…” I begged, my head failing to steady itself as it bumped into his chin, tormented by a shortness of breath. I suddenly felt so…cold. My lips dragged sluggishly along his neck, or tried to, but in a shudder he moved them away. His hand engulfed my head as he laid it against him.
“We can’t…” he whispered, resting his head atop mine as my cheek pressed contently on his chest. For a moment, I thought I felt him stroke my hair, but I was faltering in and out of consciousness so fast I couldn’t tell.
A time of silence passed as we sat there, our bodies fighting sleep, basking in the embrace. “Maddy?” I whispered, struggling even to pull enough air into my lungs to speak.
“Yes, Leila?” he hummed, his hands resting on my legs as I felt his chin nuzzle the top of my head.
“What happened?” I could feel him shake his head above me, a hand coming up to stroke my hair again, almost as if he was trying to lull me to sleep.
“Maybe one day, I’ll tell you…but not now.”
“Mmm…one day.” I wanted to know, it was true, but the way he said it made me wonder if I could even handle the truth right now. Sure, I was starting to come around, but I could still feel myself teetering on the edge of crazy, and it may not have taken much to throw me back over. I trusted his judgement here. Instead of arguing, I merely lifted the gauze-wrapped rag away, looking at his now closing wound.
“Hey…” I spoke with frailty, pulling at the shreds of the blood-soaked fabric on his shirt beside where the shallow sore sat now. My eyelids fluttered open and closed rapidly.
“Hm?” He nestled me more tightly in his arms.
“It worked.”
7
“Mommy?” The voice bounced around in my dreams, coming from nowhere in particular, but I knew it was Iris. Even in my dream, I was trying to remember what happened last night after the blood and the kissing fiasco, but I honestly couldn’t. “Mommy…wake…up.”
With each pause, I heard a loud whomp in my ear. I awoke to a pillow being hurled at my head. I tried to make out the culprit, but when my eyes opened I could only see the dark green and brown stripes of my feathered prison.
Whomp, whomp, whomp.
Over and over, tiny hands pounded at the pillow, until finally she pulled it away.
“Mommy!”
It wasn’t a dream after all. It was my Iris.
“Oh, baby…” I cried, tears of joy spilling out as I took hold of the wiggling child, snuggling her into my arms as I kissed the top of her head. With her energy and her demeanor, you’d think nothing had happened. I began to question whether it was all just a dream.
“Mommy, gross!” She wriggled out of my grasp, much to my dismay. Her big smile melted away as she saw the tears that flooded my face. Her chubby little fingers swiped at them. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m fine, sweetie. I just love you. I love you so much.”
“Then why are you sad?” With a pouty face, she fell to her tummy, head perched up on her hands as she stared at me seriously a moment before breaking out into a giggle.
“I’m not sad, smush. I’m very, very happy.”
“Yay!”
She looked a bit different than I remembered, as if she’d gained weight since I saw her last—a lot of it. But how much would a child really gain in less than a week? My train
of thought was soon interrupted by her wild hopping.
“C’mon, Momma. Get up, get—”
“Iris, breakfast!” A rich voice called from below, sending my paranoid side into a frenzy. I’d honestly come to think that everything was a dream so much that I hadn’t expected anyone to be inside the house.
“Breakfast!” she jeered in excitement, completely unfazed by the stranger. She zoomed out of the bed and down the stairs so fast that I barely had time to react. And as I looked down I realized that my shoes, socks, and hoodie had been taken off. Only the black tank top remained, and my pants had been replaced by sweats. It was so bizarre.
Why couldn’t I remember anything? I didn’t remember undressing myself at all, even partially.
“Iris, wait!” I called out, trying to rush after her as my head spun like a whirlwind. My body was throwing me off balance and from side to side as I supported myself down the staircase. What the hell was wrong with me? I felt woozy, stomach churning, and my head ached something terrible.
“Iris, where are y—” As soon as I stumbled into the kitchen, I froze in disbelief. There was my girl, sitting contently at the kitchen table with her bowl of cereal and sliced bananas. She happily traced her fingers along the many shapes and colors that decorated the cereal box, taking a moment to peer back at me before looking into the kitchen again.
Mouth full and words garbled, she said, “Max, Mommy’s awake.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a large figure peering out of the kitchen window. Everything was slightly blurred, but I could make out tan pants and a white shirt with darker suspenders and a beige hat. He had a multicolored mug in his hand, and the scent of coffee finally bored its way into my nose.
“M-maddy?”
He had surely heard her announce me, but only as I spoke did he turn around. He set the cup down in the sink before grabbing his coat in a hurry from the chair at the counter’s edge. The click of his freshly polished shoes stopped only a few paces in front of me, and I watched as he tried to find the words. He seemed to be in quite a rush.
“Leila, hi.” Up perked his brows, almost in feigned surprise.
“Hi.”
For some reason I felt tearful, even though I forced a bashful sort of smile through it. If I wasn’t dreaming now, maybe I was dreaming last night, for at least some part of it. I wondered if all that stuff had actually happened, because he seemed more than fine now. And then there was the kiss…oh God, the kiss.
“Listen, Leila, I want to apologize. I didn’t mean to stay so long, but you needed rest and I wanted to make sure you were alright before I left. She only woke up a bit before you did but…” His tone fell hushed as he moved in closer. “She’s fine. She’ll be fine.”
I could tell he was anxious about something by the way his body seemed to veer toward the door, however subtly he tried to hide it.
“Okay…Yeah, but um...I’m sorry, I just…my mind is so cloudy right now, I just can’t seem to remember anything… clearly. Are you…alright?”
“I am, thank you, but you need to rest. You’ll probably feel a bit groggy today, so just take it easy. I have to go.”
“Go? Why? Please…wait, is it because of the kiss?” I whispered. “Because I’m sorry if I came on too strong I just… I mean it helped, right?”
He shifted uneasily, his eyes grazing the room as his fingers began to fidget.
“It did, and I am grateful, Leila. I really am, but…”
“Grateful? Can we please…at least…talk?”
Through a somewhat bothered sigh, he took a gentle hold of my arm, pulling me to the side just through the doorway to the foyer. It was apparent he wanted to keep his words free from prying ears.
“At the very least, I have to tell the police. They will probably try to come by and ask questions, but just tell them you don’t know anything. That I found her and brought her home last night, and leave it at that. I’ll try to keep them from coming today, but I can’t promise anything.”
“Yes, okay…But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I want you to stay.”
Something about those words had him taken aback, like he was unsure he’d heard me correctly. He smiled uneasily, his hairless brow twitching as he shook his head in confusion.
“But why? Leila, I found your daughter. You’ve no need for me anymore.”
“No need? Are you daft?” That accusation shocked him. He really was baffled by my wanting him to stay. “I’ll say it again…I want you to stay…”
There was an uncomfortably long pause after that. Broken only by the sound of Iris munching away, and my shaken breathing…as well as his. His eyes scanned the room, the way they usually did when there was something on his mind.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Well if I was lying, the kiss wouldn’t have worked, right?”
For a moment his words stuck, mouth open but unable to form anything coherent at all.
“Well…yes, but…”
“So…unless I’m just misreading all of this—” I made a rapid back and forth gesture, trying to elaborate on the subtle chemistry between us, even if it was in its infancy. I hoped I wasn’t completely one-sided on this. “—you know, completely wrong…at least give me a chance. Even just to chat, maybe get to know one another. Nothing…physical has to come of it if you don’t want it to. I just…I mean, I’ll be honest; I would like it to. I’m sorry…I’m going to give it to you straight and it’s that…I like you, Maddy. I mean really like you, and I can’t explain it, but...”
I had never seen so much tension melt away from him so quickly, those words strumming some deep emotional string within him as I watched his body relax.
“Look, even if I don’t know everything about you…I feel something for you. Even if nothing more than a friendship comes out of this, I at least want to say that I…that I tried, you know? And of course I have…questions—so many questions.”
His nervous throat clearing resurfaced, and for a moment he turned to look at Iris, and then at me. After all that, the only thing he did was nod. While it lacked confidence, it was a nod nonetheless.
“OK, I will see you tonight…and we can talk. Just… think carefully about all of this, please. My life isn’t a safe one.” As he rushed to the door, I took a firm hold of his arm, hugging the tense bicep as a single question slipped from my mouth.
“Maddy…”
“Yes?”
“What are you afraid of?”
I could see it in his eyes. There was something he wanted to say, something he feared, but he held it so closely, looking away as I waited for an answer. A sudden desire to kiss him almost took over before he interrupted it with an abrupt response.
“We’ll talk later.”
It felt like I was letting him go when he slipped away. Maybe it was about time for me to do a little therapy on myself for feeling so attached to this man but in all honesty, I kind of wanted to see where it took me.
Possibly us.
Something about this day seemed to drag for an incredibly long while.
Regardless of my fatigue, Iris and I played all day, and life began to feel normal again. Even the house began to look like its formal, kempt self. We had built a makeshift tent in the living room—the Fairy Tent; she called it—which consisted of four chairs brought into a circle with an oversized throw to cover them. She even made sure to take all the cushions from the kitchen chairs to build herself a bed, and adults were only allowed when she said so.
Iris had been an independent spirit for as long I could remember, but I felt needy for her today. After having lost her, it was hard to give her any space, and I began to feel like I was smothering her—mostly because “kids only” time came sooner than I had hoped, and I was left to fend for myself. Of course, I was terrified of leaving her alone now.
Now that the house was cleaned up, there was little else to do. That was when my mind started racing. In some ways, I was ashamed of the directions it took.
I mean, my daughter was finally back. Alive. And all I could think about was when Maddox would return, if he was even coming back. Maybe now that she was back and safe, I actually had time to think about these things. To consider all the feelings I had buried when she went missing—some of them having been buried for years.
Better to move forward than linger in the past, right? Iris even seemed fond of this man she barely knew, and she had always been very cautious about people. But Maddox being there didn’t even faze her. She actually seemed quite excited that he was there.
At least that’s how I tried to justify it.
After all, it had been years since I had a man in my life whose company I actually enjoyed, so I found the feelings quite overwhelming—not to mention the sexual tension that seemed to grow in me, even more unfamiliar and harder to control. I hadn’t felt anything this serious since Iris’ father, and even that seemed weak compared to this.
I hoped now more than ever that he would show so he could see how things were when I wasn’t completely losing my mind. Paleness aside, I even looked different today—much more vibrant. Making myself more presentable had deemed itself a much easier task today than any other day.
To dress, though, I kept it simple. I aimed for a cross between loungewear and form fitting, and decided on a red plaid button down shirt and a dark frilly skirt that sat just above my knees. Comfort was important, sure, but if he did return I wanted to look a little more like I cared. Of course, part of me was trying to impress a bit.
After a while, I could hear intermittent snores that snuck out through the tent curtains, leaving me wondering if I should’ve taken a nap myself; but I knew I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. As the night began to blot out the day, I considered taking her up to bed. I was finally beginning to lose hope that he would show until I heard a series of quiet raps at the door, like he knew she was sleeping.
Quietly I tiptoed. His familiar outline projected through the refracted glass. I caught my hand trembling as I reached for the knob, adjusting my clothes and any stray hairs before the door opened. He was looking away as I laid my eyes on him, but his eyes grew quite extravagantly in size when he laid them on me.
Ashes of the Fae Page 7