by Sara Daniell
“Great! We can go have lunch and get caught up on what you’ve been up to. How’s Channing, Katie, Dillon, and Alyssa? Are you still getting to see them since you moved?”
I shrugged. “Not really.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, honey. You can tell me all about it on Sunday. How does that sound?”
I just nodded. I doubted I’d tell her anything. I swept that shit under the same rug that had a fuckload of other disappointments under it.
And that was it.
I left and went home. I could tell she didn’t want me to stay much longer because, let’s be honest, it was awkward. Sunday, whatever it entailed, would be better. Hopefully.
AFTER WORK I JUST wanted to clear my head. I had plans of sinking my nose into a good book and eating a shitload of ice cream. But then my phone dinged with pleas from Jane to come to hang out at her friend’s house with her.
Me: I don’t know…
Jane: Come on. You deserve fun, and I promise it’ll be fun. We’re just hanging out around a fire and chillin’. It’ll be fun.
The next message that came in was the address and her telling me I wasn’t allowed to say no. What could it hurt? It’d be fun to hang out with people and just forget about everything.
I pulled up to the house that was down a forever-long dirt road. I’d have to wash my car tomorrow. I locked the doors and pulled my beanie out of my back pocket, placing it on my head. I shoved my hands in my pockets and made my way to the back where I saw smoke and heard laughter.
When Jane spotted me, she jumped from her chair and skipped toward me. Her eyes were glazed over and drooping slightly. I laughed. Jane was high. She laced her arm with mine, and we went over to sit with everyone. I watched as a joint was passed around and wondered what I’d do once it reached me.
I should stand up and leave the Mary Jane circle.
No, I should sit here and enjoy. It’d take my mind off things.
The last time I was high, I was with Dillon, and it felt sacrilegious doing it without him.
Just say no. That’s what the commercials tell you.
But it smells so good, and it’ll feel so good.
I already passed my drug test for work.
I took it between my fingers when it reached me and put it to my lips before I could talk myself out of it.
Inhale.
As I exhaled, I passed it to the person to my left. It continued its way around the group until it was gone, and I was floating. I smiled at Jane, and she nudged me.
“See? You needed this. Much better than sitting at home, right?”
I nodded and leaned back in my chair, enjoying the peace of mind. “Yeah. But I’m kind of shocked. I didn’t see you as one to do this. But I’m happy. I’m happy we’re friends, Jane. God, this is great. Isn’t this great?”
She burst into laughter, and it was contagious. We all laughed at absolutely nothing, and it felt fabulous. Painless. My mind was at peace.
I heard a truck pull up and the engine cut off. I stood to be a little closer to the fire because it was getting cold. No one was acting worried, so I assumed that whoever was here, it wasn’t parents or cops. I held my hands out toward the fire and watched the orange and red flames dance around the wood pile.
“I have to say I’m shocked to see you here,” Finn said from next to me.
I looked at him, and my eyes widened. “You’re here?”
He smiled. “Yeah. And so are you.” His eyes narrowed a little as he got a better look at me. “And you’re high.”
I looked back at the fire and put my hands in my pockets. “What makes you think I am?”
“Your eyes are completely fucked.”
The sides of my mouth twitched but never reached a full smile. “Maybe it’s smoke from the fire, Finn.”
“Is it?”
I looked at him and shrugged. “Why are you here?”
He looked around before smiling at me. “These are my friends. What are you doing here?”
I looked at Jane and then back at Finn. “Jane is my friend. She invited me.”
“Are you scared to make friends other than Jane?”
I squinted, trying to look angry because he was prying again.
“Would you stop analyzing my life?”
“Elena, you can’t walk around sulking all the time and expect people not to ask what’s wrong. What if I care? What if I’m just trying to be a friend to you because you look like you need one?”
“I have Jane.”
“So, you can only have one friend here in Kerrville?” He cocked a curious brow at me.
“Why are you trying so hard to be my friend? I don’t trust people, Finn! I have major social issues that are kind of new, and I just…I just don’t need any more disappointments.”
“You’re ridiculous. And I find it unfair that you would think I’d be a disappointment.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Please, don’t do this.” I let my hand fall and looked at him. “Please, Finn. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it. I just need time to process things that are happening in my life, and the less people I interact with the better.”
“That’s stupid logic.”
My mouth fell open. “How can you even say that? You have no idea what I’m going through! What is your deal with me? Just leave me alone!”
Jane walked over and grabbed my arm, pulling me away from Finn. He was lucky. I was about to knee him in the balls. Asshole. What were his intentions anyway? Why was he trying to so hard to befriend me? Jerk.
“What the hell was that?” Jane asked, pulling me into the house.
We walked down the hallway, and I followed her into the bathroom. I scrunched my nose when I saw peach walls and stenciled rabbits. It was the ugliest bathroom I had ever seen.
“Elena?”
I looked away from the hideous decor and at her. “Huh?”
“What just happened between you and Finn?”
“He keeps getting in my business, and I don’t like it. Can we leave?”
“Yeah, as soon as I pee. And cut him some slack. He’s a nice guy.”
“Pfft. To you. I see right through him. He’s the same as the rest of the human race. You’re the only human I like Jane. And Dillon. And Alyssa. That’s it, though.”
She laughed and pulled down her pants. She sat on the toilet and smiled at me. “So you like three people?”
I nodded and leaned against the horrid wall full of rabbits. “Pretty much.”
She finished up, and after she washed her hands, she smiled. “Let’s go to my place.”
“As soon as the high wears off and we can drive, I’m all for it.”
“Right. Let’s go raid the kitchen. Caroline’s parents always keep the best snacks.”
I followed her into the kitchen and downed a can of Pringles.
SUNDAY ROLLED AROUND QUICKLY. I was excited to hang out with Mom. I got to the house, and she was waiting in the car for me. I saw a stack of boxes in the carport.
I slid into the passenger seat and smiled. “Packing already?”
She nodded as she pulled out of the driveway. “Yup. I move in less than a month.”
“If I have time, I can help you sometime.”
She reached over and patted my knee. “That’d be great, Ellie!”
“So, where are we going for lunch?”
“Well, we need to do something first.”
“Like?”
She swallowed hard. “I really want you to see what I’ve been up to on the weekends. I’ve been really involved with the church, and while I know you don’t really see eye-to-eye with me on that stuff, this is something I want you to see.”
“Mom…”
She laughed a little. “We aren’t going to church. We’re going to the jail.”
“What???” I snapped.
“Calm down, Ellie. I’ve been doing the Lord’s work and going on little mission trips to jails and nursing homes. It’s amazing how good it feels to bring the
good message to those that are hurting. It’s been great therapy for me, and I thought it’d be good for you too.”
“Well, I don’t! Are you kidding me? No! Forget this! Just take me back to my car.”
“No. This is our day together. It won’t be long. I need to drop off some Christmas cards. I know it’s early, but the inmates that don’t have any family need them. It gives them hope and helps them do better because they feel like someone cares.”
“Christmas is two months away! Mom, please don’t make me go! I’m not comfortable with it.”
She didn’t respond. She just kept driving. If I hadn’t almost killed myself the last time, I’d jump out of the damn car again. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and huffed loudly. I couldn’t believe this. Just when I thought there was hope for her, there was none. She was insane.
We pulled up to the jail, and I refused to get out of the car.
“Elena, the security guard is going to make you get out. They don’t let anyone wait in their vehicles. It’s security protocol.”
“I’m so angry with you right now,” I said with my teeth clenched as I got out of the car. I had my purse over my shoulder and the sourest look on my face I could manage. I was pissed, and I’d make sure everyone knew it.
We went in, and after being felt up by a security guard and showing her my driver’s license, we were let into the meeting room. The room was large with white concrete walls and round metal tables placed around it. I followed Mom to a table near someone she obviously knew. They both smiled when they saw each other and exchanged hugs.
“Elena, this is Laura. Her son is in here, and she comes to see him every Sunday for visitation. We’ve become great friends over the past few weeks.”
I didn’t smile or offer her my hand. “Hi.”
“Well aren’t you a joy,” Laura teased. “Your mother said she’d be bringing you by and that’d you probably be in this kind of mood about it.”
I looked at Mom and then sat down at the table. This was ridiculous.
Mom sat down beside me and explained that soon they’d let the inmates in. She said she requested to see one in particular that she had been praying with the past few Sundays. She said they’d bonded, and she felt like she needed to be his friend right now. I didn’t care. I just wanted this experience to be over.
I spent most of the visitation hour in the bathroom. I was so uncomfortable with the whole situation, I couldn’t even sit in the room with Mom and the Phil guy she came to see. He tried to make small talk with me and kept telling me how pretty I was. It was creepy as hell, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
The car ride to where we were eating lunch was quiet. Right before we hit a red light, Mom broke the silence I was appreciating. I didn’t want to talk to her.
“Did you like Phil? He’s a good guy and in jail for nothing. He’s wrongly accused. I know so. God told me. He’s supposed to be in for life, but he’ll get out. I’m sure of it.”
I groaned and hit my head against the back of the seat. “Mom, change the subject.”
“I can’t. Because there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Oh dear God, please tell me you’re not giving that man money to get him out?” I looked at her.
“Not yet. But, Elena, I don’t know exactly how to tell you this…but we’re getting married.”
My mouth fell open, and Mom accelerated when the light turned green. I watched her mouth turn into a sappy smile, and she giggled a little.
I couldn’t respond. Could everyone in my life get any stupider? I shook my head and scoffed. This was insane! It was stupid and careless. I was done. So done. Was this the only reason she wanted to meet with me today? So she could tell me this? I appreciated her honesty, but come on!
“Mom, take me back to my car,” I demanded.
“Elena, please—”
“Take me back!” I screamed. “I need to process this and not around you! I swear, everyone I know is losing their minds!”
Mom’s shoulders slumped, and she turned the car around. The drive back to Fredericksburg was an hour long, and I knew it’d feel like ages by the time we got back. I pulled my earbuds from my purse and turned on some music. Anything to drown out the silence and tension between us.
Once I made it back home, I was exhausted. I wanted off this emotional rollercoaster that just wouldn’t stop. I sat in my car and stared at Nancy’s car. There was no way I’d go in and deal with her shit too. I sighed heavily and put my car in drive.
I turned up my music and cruised around town, letting the music take over my thoughts. Things were better for a moment until I saw Finn flash his headlights at me as he passed. I kept driving but noticed him do a U-turn and start following closely behind me. He kept flashing his headlights, so I pulled over into the Kerrville Tire Repair shop. I wasn’t going to stop, but Finn was insanely persistent, and he would’ve just followed me until I did.
I rolled down my window when he walked over. “Yes?”
“Whatcha’ doin’?” He leaned into my window, resting his hands on my car.
“Driving around. Just trying to clear my head.” I instantly regretted the last sentence.
“Is everything okay?”
When would it click with Finn that I didn’t like him questioning my emotions all the time? I looked at my hands and didn’t answer him. I just sat there, and all of the shit my mom had done today started waging war in my mind again. Great. I was doing okay until Mr. Curiosity butted in again.
I’m not going to cry.
I’m not going to…
Dammit. Dammit to hell.
My shoulders slumped, and my head rested gently on the steering wheel. Tears spilled from my eyes. I felt a hand on my back rubbing circles against it. I knew it belonged to Finn. I didn’t question it, and I sure as hell didn’t ask him to stop. I wouldn’t admit it, but I needed this.
When the tears stopped, embarrassment set in. I sat up straight, and Finn took his hand out of the car and placed in safely in his pocket. I ran my hands down my face, ridding it of tears. I looked at Finn, and a humorless laugh escaped me.
“I know you don’t understand why I want to be your friend, and honestly, I don’t either. But sometimes shit happens, and we just go with it. Trust me, Elena. Let me show you how truly amazing I am. I can be the best damn friend you’ve ever had.”
I chuckled and wiped my eyes again. “Maybe someday. Just not today. This isn’t preschool. You can’t just share a juice box with me and become instant friends. Just respect that I have so much going on and just need space.”
“I’ll respect it right now, but I make no promises for tomorrow or the day after that.”
“I need to go.” I rolled up my window and watched him get in his truck and leave.
Finn Kerr was a lunatic. A crazy, adorable, persistent lunatic.
I WISHED I WASN’T ALONE in the break room. If someone were in here, I could talk and distract myself instead of wallowing in all of the drama.
I wished I could say that things at my dad’s and Nancy’s had gotten better. Nope. They had actually gotten worse. They fought all the time, and I had come to the conclusion that Nancy was a raging lunatic. She’d be smiling one second and cutting up my dad’s work clothes with a pair of scissors, screaming at him for doing something dumb the next.
I was never at home when they were anymore. I gave up trying to play house with them. I’d stopped talking to Mom again after she asked me to be in her wedding at the jail chapel. Maybe that was a bitch move, but Mom had only known this guy for a couple of weeks, and he was in jail for life. I just couldn’t get past the stupid and pretend to be okay with it.
I hadn’t talked to my brother Kyle at all. I wanted him to call me, but I knew if I kept waiting for him to check on me, I’d be waiting forever. So I called him.
“Can you believe it?” I asked him after telling him the whole story about Dad, Nancy, and Mom and her new jailbird.
“Ellie, I just stopp
ed caring. I knew about all of that. They have all been filling me in. Just let it go. Just forget about it.”
“Easy for you to say! You’re not here.”
“No, I’m not, and thank God. Leaving that hell-hole was the best decision I ever made. Anyway, Grandpa misses you. You need to come up here and see him soon if you can.”
“I know. I will try maybe over Christmas break or something. I’ll talk to Dad.”
“I gotta go. I work in twenty minutes,” he said, sounding bored with our conversation.
“Yeah… Okay.”
Kyle hung up without saying goodbye or anything. Maybe he was doing the same thing I was. I had decided to cut ties with everyone who linked me to Channing and Katie. It might not be fair, but so far, it had helped. Maybe the hurt from Kyle and Mom not getting along was easier for him to handle if he just cut us all out.
I went back to work after talking to Kyle. I was closing tonight, which meant I’d be here until 9:00, and it was only 6:30. I had plans to go out with Jane after to see a late movie.
I started ringing up groceries when I saw Finn and one of his friends walk in. I accidentally rang up the bread twice and cursed myself for getting distracted. I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment.
I looked at the elderly lady and smiled. “Sorry, ma’am. I’ll fix it.”
I went into the computer and voided the extra charge. I finished ringing up her groceries, and as she paid, I heard Finn’s voice. I looked to my right and saw him smiling at me in my checkout lane.
I called a bagboy over the intercom, and after I made sure the lady was being helped out to her car, I started ringing up Finn’s things. A pack of gum, a Coke, and a bag of ice. I bagged it for him and told him his total.
“When did you start working here?” he asked, handing me his money.
“Your change,” I said, not answering his question. I was still angry with him from the other night at Caroline’s house and still embarrassed for breaking down in front of him. He was so persistent in getting in my business when I had clearly told him to butt the hell out. It was sweet that he was trying so hard to be a part of my life, but I didn’t want him to be there right now.