Isaac's Decision

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  Feeling much better than she had minutes before, Emily helped him put the buckboard and horses away. Afterwards, she joined him on the way to the house. He didn’t want to be with Eva after all! It was more than she hoped for, even if she wasn’t sure how that helped her if his father refused to let him talk to her. One thing at a time. She couldn’t get everything resolved right away. As long as she was moving in the right direction, that’s what mattered.

  Chapter Ten

  Emily took a bite of the apple pie on her plate and glanced at Isaac’s father. On occasion, she’d be with her family and they’d pass by Dave Larson and his family, but those times seemed like such a blur to her. She used to think she was imagining that he’d pull his hat lower over his eyes and speed by them, but after everything she learned, she understood he did it because he didn’t like her. Judging by the way he acted around her family though, she suspected it wasn’t just her that bothered him.

  She thought through all of this during the meal while the others around her talked. The fact that she sat next to Isaac struck her as amusing in a sad sort of way. She wondered what his pa would think if she took off the wig and mustache and let him know the person he was being so nice to right now was the same person he didn’t want his son talking to. Had it not been for Isaac, she might have actually done it, even if people found out she’d dressed up like a man. But she didn’t want to embarrass Isaac so she refrained.

  “Elmer, how are you settling into Omaha?” his father asked.

  She took a quick drink of water and cleared her throat. “I’m settling in just fine, thanks for asking.”

  “Got a job yet?” he asked.

  “Not yet. I’m exploring my options.”

  “If you’re interested in working at a paper, I know the chief editor. He’s a friend of the family’s. If you want, I can put in a good word for you.”

  Forcing aside the bitterness that welled up in her throat, she offered a polite smile and said, “I appreciate it, but I can’t imagine working there.” And that was the truth!

  “If you change your mind, let me know,” he said.

  She nodded, though she already decided there was no way she’d ever ask anything from him. The more she thought over his unjustified antagonism toward her and her family, the more she didn’t like him. And by the end of the lunch, she couldn’t wait to get out of there. She had a horrible time holding her tongue while growing up, and when she was riled up enough, old habits tended to resurface. When it was finally time to leave, she hurried out the front door and grabbed her rifle from the wagon.

  It wasn’t until she was in the buggy and heading back to town that she felt like she could breathe again. That meal had been harder to get through than she thought it would be, and there was no way she was going to ever show up on their doorstep as Elmer again. The sincerity in Isaac’s father’s words and actions made her sick to her stomach because it only served as a reminder for all the times his mother would stop to talk to her and her family while his father would run off to do something. It was amazing he didn’t order her to avoid talking to them. She suspected Luke, Elizabeth and Stan were too young to bother him since they were ten, eight and six, which was why they could talk to Isaac’s brothers and sisters at school. Perhaps the day would come when they were older—maybe fourteen—and he’d insist they ignore her brothers and sister the way Isaac had to ignore her.

  She closed her eyes and told herself to stop thinking about it. All she was doing was going in circles, and the more circles she spun around in, the more she dug up reasons to resent Dave Larson.

  Isaac glanced at her and asked, “What’d you think of the apple pie?”

  Surprised he’d ask her about food, she shrugged. “It was fine.”

  “Fine? You know, for someone who insists on having fun, you didn’t pick up on how fun that apple pie was.” He laughed and urged the horse to turn down a well-worn path.

  Forcing a smile, she said, “You’re right. I didn’t.” Because it was true. His mother made the best pies in the area. Clearing her throat, she asked, “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “When we were hunting, Wiley mentioned that your pa doesn’t want you talking to that girl he fancies. Can I ask if your ma feels the same way?”

  Though he looked uncomfortable, he said, “No, but I can’t explain anything about it.”

  Since he was referring to her, she wished she could tell him she had a right to know everything, but to do that would give herself away so she bit her tongue. But at least she knew his mother was sincere when she was nice to her. Feeling better about that, she let the matter drop.

  Drumming her fingers on the edge of her seat, her mind turned to her stupid school assignment, and the thought occurred to her that Isaac might be more forthcoming with information on one of those boring books than Alice was. Straightening in the seat, she asked, “Read any good books lately?”

  “I don’t read much, but let me think.”

  She nodded and scanned the hills in the distance. The sky was still overcast, but the temperature had warmed enough so she didn’t mind the lack of sunlight. It seemed to her that her mood improved when the sun was out. Perhaps it was because the sun often made her think of the dawn. When she was a little girl, she used to sit out on the porch in the summer and watch as the sun came up. It’d been a long time since she did that. Maybe she should do it again.

  “There is one book I read last year called The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner by James Hogg,” Isaac said, interrupting her thoughts.

  Her eyebrows furrowed since the title was an odd one. “What was it about?”

  Isaac shrugged. “It was rather gruesome now that I think about it. I mean, it was fascinating, but some of it was dark.”

  Intrigued, she turned to face him. “How so?”

  “Well, it’s about this man who is told he’s predestined for Heaven, so he concludes that he can do whatever he wants and still be saved. So when he meets a stranger who convinces him to kill people, he goes along with it.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “And as the book progresses, you start to wonder if this stranger is a real person or not. You think maybe the stranger is a figment of his imagination. But there is another possibility, and that is that this stranger is the devil who has convinced him to sin.”

  “Fascinating.”

  “Wiley found the book and lent it to me.”

  She sighed. Somehow she didn’t think Eva would approve of it.

  “The main character had a bitter streak from the beginning of the novel,” Isaac continued, “so my interpretation of the novel was that he used the stranger to achieve the darker side in his personality.”

  “You mean that he already made a decision to become a murderer, and by having the stranger suggest it’s alright to kill people, he didn’t have to feel guilty for what he did?”

  “We all have decisions to make, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “So we may have to justify those decisions later on. It’s just a question of how. At the end of the book, the main character believed he was right to kill all those people.”

  “Perhaps it’s more important how we defend a decision than the decision we make.” She wondered how his father defended his decision to forbid Isaac to talk to her. Forcing aside the thought, she said, “Tell me more about the book.”

  As he spoke, she took mental notes on what she would write for the horrid assignment Eva was making her do. Isaac finished telling her all about the novel by the time they reached town, and she told him he could drop her off at the mercantile.

  He pulled the buggy to a stop and asked, “Want to join us next Saturday?”

  She hesitated. She already knew what she came out to learn, so there didn’t seem to be a good reason to go hunting again, especially since she wasn’t a fan of dressing up as Elmer. She preferred acting and dressing like a woman. She hid her amusement. Her mother would be reli
eved. She agonized so much when it came to Emily being a lady.

  “Well?” he pressed, his blue eyes imploring her to say yes.

  She inwardly groaned. “Alright.”

  She had no idea what else to say, so she left it at that. After she got out of the buggy, she watched him as he led the horse and buggy down the crowded street. There was no way around it. She couldn’t say no to Isaac Larson.

  ***

  By the time Emily got out of her disguise and bought a new copy of Emma for her mother, she was exhausted. While she waited for her father to pick her up, she sat next to Alice on the porch steps, her large bag at her feet.

  “Are you sure you want to be out in the cold?” Alice asked, digging her hands into her coat pockets.

  Emily shrugged and drew her knees up to her chest. “I spent most of the day outside. I suppose I got used to it.”

  “It’s alright to be angry, you know.”

  Closing her eyes, she willed the tears away. “I don’t want to think about it.”

  “You can’t keep pushing your feelings away,” her friend softly said.

  “I don’t know what good it’ll do to dwell on the fact that Isaac’s pa hates me.”

  “I didn’t say dwell on it. I just think you’d be better off if you cried or screamed so you can get the emotions out. It must hurt.”

  Resting her forehead on her knees, Emily let out a long sigh as a couple of tears slid down her cheeks. “Maybe he hates me because Isaac’s mother did so much for me when I was younger. Maybe he thinks she should have focused on her own children.”

  “I don’t know.” Alice rubbed her back. “That doesn’t make sense. Why would he begrudge a child because his wife made her some clothes and treats?”

  “Sometimes people hate other people for no reason. My real mother couldn’t stand me, and the only thing I did to upset her was being born.”

  After a moment of silence, Alice said, “And that was wrong. Just as Isaac’s pa is wrong. That’s why you have a right to be upset.”

  “I know that.”

  “But you don’t know it’s alright to express your anger and sorrow.”

  Emily didn’t want to think about any of it. It was easier to focus on things she could do something about. She couldn’t change the past with her real mother, and she couldn’t change Dave Larson’s mind about her. All she could do was go on with her life. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes and took a deep breath to settle her swirling emotions. “I need to stop daydreaming about Isaac. That’s what I need to do.”

  “But you love him.”

  “I barely know him. How can I love him?”

  “I often ask myself the same thing.”

  Emily laughed. “You always know what to say to make me feel better.”

  “Well, to be fair, he’s good looking and nice. When we were younger, I thought he liked you more than the other girls our age. Maybe his father picked up on that and doesn’t want him talking to you because of it.”

  “But why?”

  “Elmer will have to ask Isaac about that one.”

  “Elmer tried, but Isaac refused to say anything.”

  Alice motioned to the buggy coming down the street. “Why don’t you ask your pa? Maybe he knows something.”

  “I can’t see what this has to with my—” Then Emily recalled the way Isaac’s father looked away from her father whenever they happened to pass each other in town. Though her pa didn’t show any reaction to being avoided, Emily wondered if it bothered him. Maybe he did know something, but… She looked at Alice. “Let’s say he knows what’s going on. How will that help matters?”

  Shrugging, she said, “I don’t know. Maybe it won’t. But if you want to be with Isaac, you have to pursue all of your options.”

  Alice was right. Emily stood up and picked up her bag. “I’ve already dressed up as a man and spent the day hunting. I’ve come too far to turn back now.”

  Standing up, her friend grinned. “You won’t know if you don’t try.”

  Emily hugged her. “Thank you. I can’t think of anyone else who’d do as much for me as you do.”

  “What are friends for?”

  Pulling away from her, she said, “If you ever need something, you know I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

  “Of course, I do.”

  Her father pulled his buggy up to the porch and helped her in before he said good-bye to Alice. As he drove the buggy forward, Emily waved to her friend who waved back. Turning to her father, Emily thought that, besides Alice, he was one of the few people she could go to about anything. So why not this? “Pa?” she asked.

  He glanced in her direction while he steered the horse on the road that would take them out of town. “What is it, Em?”

  “Do you know Dave Larson?”

  Shifting, he said, “Of course, I know him. We talk to Mary when we see her, and she’s married to him. Don’t you remember the times he’d drive her out to our place so you could have clothes for school and church until I married Sarah?”

  “Yes, I remember that.”

  “Well, there you go. I know him.”

  “Yes, but do you like him?”

  With a sigh, he shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

  “I don’t see how. It’s a yes or no question.”

  “Not everything is black or white, Em. There are a lot of grays. As you get older, you’ll understand that.”

  “So you don’t like him?” she ventured.

  “How can I put this in a way that makes the most sense?” His thumbs rubbed the reins in his hands and he waited for a good thirty seconds before continuing. “When it comes to Dave Larson, I’ve learned that the best way to keep peace with him is to leave him alone and have as little to do with his family as possible.”

  “Why?”

  “Well… I…” He glanced at her and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Em, but I don’t want to dig up the past. It took me a long time to get to where I am, and I think when it comes to Dave Larson, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

  He faced forward and led the horse down the path that would take them home. Realizing she wasn’t going to get any information from him, she forced aside her disappointment and stared at the same hills in the distance she’d been looking at while disguised as Elmer as little as two hours ago.

  Chapter Eleven

  On Wednesday morning, Emily handed her report to the teacher. Glad the assignment was done, she turned her attention to reading the dime novels she enjoyed. She glanced at Isaac from time to time, as usual. And as usual, he acted as if she wasn’t there. She didn’t know if she should be relieved or upset. Didn’t he suspect that she was Elmer? Perhaps he was pretending he didn’t know the difference. Or maybe he really didn’t know and was ignoring her because his father told him to.

  If Isaac hadn’t been so friendly to her when she was in her disguise, she’d have a much easier time forgetting about him. There was no future with him, not when he was so determined to do whatever his pa said.

  She quickly brushed away her tears before someone noticed she was crying. Taking a deep breath, she forced her gaze back to the romance novel in front of her and succeeded in getting lost in the story.

  Shortly before lunch, Eva called Emily up to the front of the room. Eva sat at her desk, her hands neatly folded over the assignment Emily turned in. By Eva’s stiff posture and the serious expression on her face, Emily knew this wasn’t going to be good. Reluctant, she shut her dime novel and headed for the front of the room, hoping her apprehension didn’t show. Did Eva know she didn’t really read the book she did her report on?

  Swallowing the lump in her throat, she reached Eva’s desk and quietly asked, “Yes?”

  Keeping her voice low, Eva said, “I thought you chose Emma to do your report on.”

  “I changed my mind.”

  With a sigh, Eva glanced at the papers in front of her and thumbed through them. “I’m not sure this is appropriate material for a young woman to be reading.�
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  Frowning, she asked, “What’s wrong with it?”

  “Nothing if you’re a man, I suppose,” Eva said, turning her gaze back up so she was looking at Emily. “But even if you were a man, I couldn’t submit something like this to the school board to demonstrate what you’re learning while under my supervision.”

  “Why not?”

  “There are themes you bring up that suggest you lack a proper understanding of the Christian faith.”

  “Can you give me some examples of that?” Emily demanded, her apprehension departing.