by t. h. snyder
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done to change the way things happened between us?
What will I do now that I know very well that I’m not wanted nor needed by the one person I thought could help me overcome my darkness?
Chapter 7
Pulling out of the parking garage, I slam on the gas pedal, creating a screeching sound along the pavement. My mind is enraged, my thoughts a jumbled puzzle. I don’t know what the hell just happened or where I went wrong, but this is my life and things like this just seem to happen.
I’ve known there was something about her since the first moment I set eyes on her in the diner. I wanted nothing more than to move to her and stand up for her. Today, I thought she was brought back into my life for a reason, but apparently I was wrong. As much as I had hoped I could be the one to help her in her time of need, all she wanted was to push me away.
I can’t stand for that anymore. The days of me being torn, tattered, and abused are in my past.
Throughout my life, all I’ve ever known is people that would take me as a fool and toss me to the side. My foster parents and siblings, my peers, coworkers, and even strangers looked to me as if I was an object, not a man with a heart and soul.
When will I finally be able to find that one person that will make me realize that I’m worth more than shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe?
Slamming my hands against the steering wheel, I let out a groan of frustration.
As I pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex, I’m unsure as to how I got here. My mind was so busy dwelling on my life that I drove home on autopilot. Parking the car, I get out and move up the stairs to my home. It may not be much, but it’s what I have right now. With a pounding headache, I push open my door, toss the keys onto the table, and make my way into the kitchen. Reaching for a bottle of Jack, I unscrew the cap and take back a big gulp. The amber liquor burns my throat while I slam the bottle down onto the countertop. Waiting for a moment, in hopes that the numbness will soon set in, I stare across the room at the hole in the wall. With the amount of rage building up inside of me, I feel like I could punch a hundred more holes in the walls of this place, but what good would that do? Instead, I tip the bottle back against my lips and take two long swallows. Gagging on the fire building in my throat, I screw the lid back on and toss the bottle into the sink. Stomping my way back to the bathroom, I feel like an overgrown child. She’s made me a fucking mess, a torn man full of emotions…do I want her or do I hate her?
Regardless of the pain she’s causing me right now, all I know is that I need to rid her of my thoughts. A nice hot shower will do me some good and hopefully relax the stress in my sore muscles.
Shedding myself of my scrubs, I pull the curtain to the side and set the water all the way to hot. Before stepping in, I glance to the mirror, staring back at my reflection. My face looks tired—my eyes surrounded by dark circles. I reach my fingers into my hair and tug on the strands. Pain shoots into my scalp and it actually feels pretty damn good. Pressing the palms of my hands onto the sink, I feel like shit for leaving things the way I did with her. I should’ve taken the time to tell her exactly what I was trying to do, but instead, I let the rage take over and had no other choice but to walk away.
I’m turning into the monster I want to hide from. I hate that my emotions are all over the place with her. Thinking clearly is not an option when it comes to her. In one breath, I feel like I could fall for this girl, and in the next, I can’t imagine what she’s thinking of me.
Is it a lost cause?
Is it worth the pain and hurt?
Is it just me or is she feeling the connection I don’t want to forget?
Trying to clear my thoughts, I step into the shower under the scalding hot water. Letting the water hit my skin and the steam pull me in, I lean into the shower wall and tightly close my eyes. The first vision that comes through my mind is of her. No matter what I try to do, I can’t rid myself of the memories of her walking into the diner as they flash before me. Her messy blue hair, her brilliant green eyes, and the look of pain sprawled across her beautiful face.
I can’t deny the connection I feel; she’s the one and I can’t let that go.
Damn it to fucking hell.
I may be hurt and angry right now, but the more I think about her and the way she looked at me today, I can’t help but feel things I probably shouldn’t. Running my eyes over her image from head to toe, my body turns on me as my cock grows with curiosity, excitement, and desire. For a brief moment, I feel a sense of guilt as I grab my length in my hand. This may be wrong, but right now I don’t fucking care. It’s the least she can give me after pushing me away. Reaching for the bottle of conditioner with my free hand, I let go of my dick and squirt the liquid into my palms. While rubbing it together with my fingertips, I think about the release I desperately need right now.
Slowly starting to stroke my ache, all thoughts of anger and regret turn into obsession and desire. My mind goes back to her and the way her body swayed as she walked to the table. Feeling even more turned on by her petite form, I increase the speed of my strokes. Pleasure starts to overwhelm me and I can’t help but pump my hand faster and faster. Resting my arm back against the shower wall, I lean my head against my forearm. Ecstasy begins to fill my senses the faster I stroke. Letting out a groan, my eyes roll into the back of my head and my balls start to tighten. I see her—her hips, her tits, and her eyes. The moment comes as my imagination goes into overdrive and I feel my release take over. My legs begin to shake and my entire body goes numb. Just the thoughts of her turn me on to a level of want that I’ve never known before. Slowing my motions, I look down to see cum falling from the tip of my cock. My moment of bliss is over and the last thing I’m left with is that I wish she was in here with me.
I feel relieved—anger abated and thinking more clearly, I know what I need to do. She is my safety net, the one that will help me finally break through. Tomorrow, I will go back to her and tell her exactly what she means to me. As crazy as it sounds, I need her to realize that she needs me as much as I need her.
Finishing up my shower, I step out, dry off, and move to my bedroom. As I grab a pair of boxer briefs out of the drawer, hope begins to swell inside of me.
I know what I want to do, what I need to do, and I’m more than excited to see her tomorrow. Closing my eyes with a smile across my face, I fall into a deep sleep filled with images of my mysterious blue-haired beauty.
Chapter 8
My nerves are a tangled mess as I stand outside of her hospital room. I’m not sure how this will all go down, but I need for her to know and understand where I’m coming from.
Obviously, we both have difficult pasts and neither one of us knows much about the other. It’s time to be the man I’ve wanted to be for so long and take a stand; I won’t let her go without a fight.
Running my fingers through my hair, I take in a deep breath and exhale. It’s now or never, Christian, you can do this. My hand presses against the door and I push through to see her standing there, eyes wide. My mouth goes dry and it’s difficult to swallow.
“Christian?” she mutters in a questioning tone.
Standing with my hands in my pockets, I look her over from head to toe. My heart is beating so fast, I can feel it pulsating through my fingertips. She’s dressed in a pair of hospital scrubs hanging loosely from her small frame. Her hair is pulled in all directions, and her face, although bruised, is glowing.
“I couldn’t let you leave the hospital without saying goodbye. I’ve been racking my brain, asking myself why I care so damn much, and I’ve come up empty.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I take a step in her direction. Brave isn’t even big enough of a word to describe what I’m feeling right now. I’m not sure how she’s going to take what I have to tell her. For all I know, I could get a slap across the face and a kick in the ass out the door.
Her eyes are filled with intensity and I ca
n’t hold back my feelings a moment longer.
“There’s something about you, Gretchen, that pulls me to you. I want to be near you and help you. We don’t know one another at all, and I get that, but if you’d give me the chance, I’d like to be your friend.”
She looks deeply into my eyes and it’s as if our souls are communicating with one another.
“I’m sorry for being a bitch earlier. There’s just a lot on my mind and I’m not one to let others into my world. If you really want to be my friend,” she stops herself for a brief second and smiles, “you’ll have to call me Etty and not Gretchen; it’s what my friends call me.”
A huge grin spreads across my face as I pull her into my arms and she lets her body to mold into mine. Allowing my eyes to close, I feel at peace; no matter what, she is now a part of my life and I won’t let myself screw this up.
“Thank you, Christian.”
“For what?” I ask, pulling her tighter in to my body.
“Being a friend and coming back here. I guess I needed you more than I realized.”
Yes, she finally gets it…thank God!
“I’ll be here for you as long as you’ll allow me; you just have to let me in.”
Pulling herself away from me, I instantly miss the touch of her body against mine. She looks up into my eyes once again. They’re filled with so much happiness as I return a sincere look and flash a wink.
“I really want to find Linc and see how Jo is before heading home. After all, if they’re here, I really don’t have much to go home to, anyway.”
“I’ve already checked to see where Linc’s room is so we can head on up there if you want. I won’t stay if you don’t need me to; just know that I’m here for you.”
“You have no idea how much I appreciate this, Christian.”
Taking the bag from her hands, I reach out for her as she intertwines our fingers. A tingling sensation shoots up my arm and I revel in the moment for a brief second.
Leading her out of the room, we move down the hall and toward an elevator. As we ride to the next floor, I don’t know when the last time was that I felt like this—most likely never.
She pulls her hand from mind and runs it down the length of her thigh. Sensing that her nerves must be a scattered mess, I look down at her from the corner of my eye.
“Are you okay?”
Nodding her head, she lets out a puff of air, her blue strands of hair flying in front of her face.
“Yeah, I’m just nervous to see Linc. I don’t know how he’ll react. He’s been my rock since moving here and I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t want to see me.”
As the doors open, I once again reach for her hand and lead her out into the hallway. Stopping just short of the elevator, I turn, backing her up against the wall. Tilting her chin up to face me, I stare into her eyes. I can feel the rapid beats of her heart pounding against my chest. I want to ease her tension and let her know that everything will be okay as long as I’m by her side.
“I don’t know how strong your relationship is with Linc, or exactly what’s gone down the past few days. What I do know is that you are strong, and you give off this impression that people are only out to get you. Talk to him, tell him what happened and how you’re feeling. If he’s as good of a friend as you make him out to be, I’m sure he’ll understand.”
Closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath, she opens her brilliant greens to show me her strength.
“Okay,” she replies.
Letting go of her chin, I take a step back.
“Good, now let’s go see Linc so that you can let go of all this anxiety you’re feeling.”
Taking a step ahead of her, I can feel her following closely behind me while walking through the halls leading to Linc’s room.
I stop in front of a closed door and lean up against the wall.
“I’ll be right out here if you need me.”
She gives me a half smile and moves toward the door, turning the knob.
No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait out here until she needs me. I know nothing of what is about to happen in that room, but the moment she comes out, I’ll be here to show her the support and compassion I know she’ll need.
Staring at the sterile white wall in front of me, I feel good…really good. I’m glad that I was able to change my mindset to one that is much more positive than that of last night.
Times will get tough, but I know that I have the will and strength to get through them. All I need is a little inspiration and encouragement, and she’s given that to me more than she’ll ever know.
Today is the start of good things to come and I’ll be anxiously waiting to see how this friendship unfolds. Once she’s free and clear of the hospital drama, I want to do something special for her. We need time to talk—to get to know one another—and more than anything, I want to make sure she’s well taken care of with the injuries she’s faced herself.
I’ll be her friend, her rock, and anything else she’ll allow me to be for her. The monster in me is gone and I want to show her and the world the man that I want to be proud of.
Chapter 9
2 Weeks Later
The past two weeks have been the best days of my life. My feelings for Etty have grown so much. Every day, I can tell that I’m falling harder and harder for my blue-haired girl.
She’s been cooped up in the house the entire time, not wanting to leave. I know that inside she’s hurting, and there’s only so much I can do to help her through that pain. The symptoms of her concussion have greatly subsided, but there’s a lot more that she has on her plate to worry about.
I’ve gotten to spend time with her and Linc at the house and while they’ve come to the hospital to see Jo. I keep my distance when they’re together, but always let her know that I’m here when she needs me.
Linc is a lot to compete with; he seems to be the rock that’s able to hold her together. He appears to be a nice guy that genuinely cares about her. No matter how much I want to be that man for her, I understand that their relationship is one that has been built on trust and friendship. He’s not the one that poses a threat to me; it’s the asshole Dault that lives with him.
Etty has shared with me the struggles she’s faced with Dault—the ways in which he’s treated her and the moment of weakness when she gave herself to him. It causes my blood to boil knowing he’s placed his hands on her in ways I only wish I could. The thought alone makes me sick to my stomach, but there’s nothing I can do but hope he stays a part of her past.
We’ve run into him a few times at the house and the hospital. I hate the way he speaks to her and the looks he gives her. At times it confuses me—does he really despise her or is he feeling the same way I do? I can only hope that he continues to keep his distance; the further away from him I can keep her, the more I can show her that I’m the man she needs.
I’ve told her numerous times how I feel about her and I’ve tried to get closer, but her walls are built too high for me to reach. Together, we’ve shared in our most private moments; she’s one of the only people outside of Dr. Jonestown that I’ve ever talked to about my past. It wasn’t easy, but with her I feel as though I can be honest, real, and let my guard down.
Tonight, I took her out for some fun. She’s been locked up in the house for the past few weeks, and after hours of compromise, she finally agreed to dinner and a movie. I was over the moon excited and couldn’t wait to get off of work to pick her up.
Now, on the way back to her house, I have to say that our night out was a success. We talked like we’ve known each other for years. My comfort level with her is intense—I feel like I can uncover my darkest and deepest thoughts and she’ll never judge me.
My body shifts in the driver’s seat and I can see her glance in my direction. I turn to face her with a smile and a wink. She smiles back at me, but lacks the intense gaze I long for. I want so badly for her to feel the same way I do. No matter how much I try to show and tell her I care, sh
e can’t reciprocate the same feelings. I keep telling myself that I just need to give her time…time will help her realize how much I really mean to her. Being friends is a start, but right now, tomorrow, even days from now, I’m still going to want so much more from her.
Pulling up to the house, I can see both Linc and Dault standing in front of the house. A nagging sickness begins to stir up in my stomach at the sight of him. My protectiveness goes into full effect and I feel the need to stand before her so that he doesn’t attack.
I turn the car off, get out, and move to her side before she can get out. I need to block her from him at all costs; ruining our night is not an option. Opening the door for her, she steps out and is immediately greeted by Linc’s voice.
“Hey, Etty, glad to see you got out of the house. You’re looking pretty damn good tonight, too. Was this a date?” he asks with a laugh.
Watching as Etty completely brushes Linc off, I move toward her, pulling her into my side.
“Linc, how’s the arm?” I ask.
“Good, thanks for asking. So what were you two up to tonight?” Linc asks, moving toward the back of Dault’s car.
Etty looks up and stares into my eyes, witnessing the smile sprawled across my face.
“I finally got Etty out of the house,” I reply with all the pride I can muster.
Linc turns to look at both of us with a confused look on his face.
“Yeah, I can see that. What did you two do?”
Sensing the tension building in Etty’s body, I feel bad that Linc is digging for information on our night.
“It’s not a big deal, guys. Christian suggested we do something so we went for dinner and a movie.”
“Sounds like a date to me,” Dault says.
My eyes scan from Etty to Dault, a look of pure hatred staring back at me.
Bring it on, motherfucker!
“What’s it to you?” I spit back to him.
Etty pulls her body from mine and begins to walk toward the house.
“Where you going?” Linc asks, holding a large box with his good arm.