by Beth Bolden
Nick’s eyes softened. “Relationships are terrifying. I think you’re allowed to be afraid once in awhile. I’m sorry, too. You’re not a mistake or a bad idea.”
Colin sat down on the low stone ledge. Nick joined him, dangling his foot close to Colin’s. Out here in public they couldn’t kiss – not yet anyway – and so Colin bumped Nick’s sneaker-clad foot with his own.
“What are you afraid of?” he finally asked.
“Lots of things. People hating my writing; people hating me. Which is the same thing, I guess. You deciding that I’m nobody. You deciding I’m a reporter. You deciding I’m not worth waiting for. Coming out being too hard for you.”
If the man with the dreadlocks had overheard this conversation, Colin would have guessed he’d have pointed out that one of the things Nick was most afraid of was something Colin was currently going through. And didn’t that say it all?
“I’m sorry I don’t remember that first interview,” Colin admitted. “Not just because it bothers you. But because that was the first time we met, and I missed it.”
“I get why you don’t,” Nick said, reaching out and grasping Colin’s knee in a quick, immensely reassuring touch. Something that others might not see, but that Colin felt deep, down in the marrow of his bones.
“I don’t remember anything except the game. The whole game, I remember every damn touchdown. And Gabe’s face, the first time I met him. And I remember how much I wanted to punch him in the face.”
Nick let out a shocked bark of laughter. “Really? I guess I’m not surprised. I should consider myself lucky you didn’t want to punch me in the face, too.”
“I definitely didn’t want to punch you in the face.”
“True love,” Nick said so casually that Colin might have missed how much it meant, if he hadn’t seen the little tremor in Nick’s hand as he went to stand up. Joy exploded in Colin in one big sparkly burst. Nick didn’t just care; Nick loved him.
It was hard containing all that surprised delight inside his body, but he managed it. Maybe spending so much time with Nick, his snarkiness was finally rubbing off. “Are we going to jog or fight?” Colin asked, standing too.
“Not sure we have much to fight about.”
“Jogging it is. You just love me for my body,” Colin retorted flippantly but watched Nick’s face closely, not that he could have missed the bright, answering smile blooming across Nick’s face.
“Damn straight.”
Nick woke up after the sun crept across the room and snuck up the comforter. It took him a second to remember why he hadn’t set any sort of alarm the night before, or why Colin, still sleeping next to him, hadn’t either. Then he remembered. They’d not only not set any alarms, they’d turned their phones off. Deliberately.
This was the morning the article and the press release were both published. As of this moment, Colin was no longer in the closet. The entire world was rapidly discovering the truth of Colin O’Connor.
Nick laid there for a long moment, wondering if he should wake Colin. He’d agreed, at least at first, to let Helen and Mark filter the press coverage through them. Initially, Colin had claimed it wouldn’t be necessary, that any negative responses he could handle himself, but he’d finally capitulated. Mostly because Nick had taken him aside and practically begged.
“The thing is,” Nick had said, “it doesn’t matter how strong you are, the first time someone sneers at you or says a nasty word because of who you are, what you’ve revealed, it hurts. If people want to help spare you that, let them.”
Colin hadn’t looked particularly convinced, but he had agreed, mostly, Nick feared, not because of himself but because Nick had wanted him to.
“I can hear you over there, stewing,” Colin said lazily, a deep yawn punctuating his words. He rolled over, his blue eyes bright in the morning light, completely unconcerned and undeniably happy. A man finally free of the last shackle holding him back.
Nick knew this should be reassuring, but the less Colin seemed to worry, the more he seemed to. An unfortunate side effect of being head over heels in love.
“I’m not stewing,” Nick said, sliding closer and tucking his head under Colin’s chin, his hands reaching out and stroking warm skin. Colin looked so good in the morning, half-naked and sleep-tousled, it was nearly a crime and it was actually impossible to keep his hands to himself.
“No?” Colin asked, clearly amused. “Are you sure? ’Cause I can practically hear you from here. What’s worrying you now? And don’t tell me it’s what people might say, because I could honestly not give a shit.”
“I know,” Nick mumbled into Colin’s chest. “You have zero self-preservation.”
“I’ve spent my whole life being cautious,” Colin said softly. “It never got me a damn thing.”
“Only a Heisman Trophy and a National Championship and millions of dollars.” Nick rolled his eyes, even if Colin couldn’t see.
“And I’ve never been happier than I am right now,” Colin insisted, his lips brushing the crown of Nick’s head. “Funny how that works.”
It was hard to remove his cheek from that wide expanse of warm pectoral muscle, but Nick persevered and pulled back, just far enough that he could see the soft gaze of Colin’s eyes. If even a tiny part of him had doubted the truth of Colin’s statement, Nick couldn’t now. It was all right there, shining in those damn beautiful eyes.
“You’re an unbelievable sap,” Nick muttered, though it was tough to deny just how thrilled he was, deep down.
“Yeah, yeah, you love it,” Colin said, wriggling out of Nick’s grasp. “I’m hitting the toilet, then you can come up with a way to distract me from my inevitable breakdown.” The way Colin’s eyebrows waggled left very little mystery about how exactly he wanted to be distracted.
Nick flopped back against the bed, trying to calm the insistent racing of his blood. Even just the thought of sex with Colin set every nerve in his body buzzing. He felt sixteen again, despite that it felt like they’d barely left the bed the last two weeks.
He heard the toilet flush and a moment later, the bed shifted as Colin returned.
“I think you must be getting bored. One mention of sex and you fall right back asleep,” Colin teased, leaning over Nick, and brushing a kiss across his lips.
Nick grinned lazily as Colin’s mouth moved to his neck and his ear, coasting downwards. “I thought I was supposed to be distracting you,” he teased right back.
“Right,” Colin said, and he pulled back, leaving the blood buzzing insistently beneath Nick’s skin with no additional stimulation.
Nick pouted. “You left,” he said, opening his eyes. Colin was kneeling on the bed, the bottle of lube and a condom from Nick’s bedside drawer in his hands.
“You promised,” Colin reminded, a blush staining his cheeks. He still tended to get embarrassed when he asked for things, and while they’d had a lot of sex, and Nick had fingered Colin plenty of times, he had yet to fuck him.
“Whatever you want,” Nick said, sitting up and reaching up for Colin, fingers gripping the back of his neck, tugging him closer so he could kiss him. “You know I’d give you anything.”
Colin flushed more. “Then give me this.”
It wasn’t even a request that needed an answer, at least a verbal one. Nick kissed him, pouring everything he felt and couldn’t quite say into Colin, hoping he would understand.
They settled back onto the bed, Nick between Colin’s legs, as he fumbled for the lube. His heart pounded with a sort of possessive love that might have scared him, if he’d had the mind to consider it logically. He only cared about making this good for Colin, branding him with his body so that he’d never need anyone else.
But Colin already knew what Nick was afraid of, because he’d told him, and he let him, opening his legs wider, as Nick pressed slicked-up fingers down his taint and into his hole.
“More,” Colin panted, the tendons on his neck flexing, his fingers buried in the sheets. The muscles
of his thighs tensed and relaxed, once then twice. “I need more.”
“Bossy,” Nick tried to quip, but with Colin’s heat around his fingers, pulsing and tight, his voice was breathless. He slid a third finger in, trying to be careful even as lust barreled through him in successively bigger waves. At some point, they were going to knock him right over, and Colin with him.
Colin threw his head back and let out a guttural moan, and Nick had to swallow hard. He was right on the tenuous edge of his control, but he wasn’t sure Colin was ready. They’d done this plenty, but never gone all the way, and the last thing Nick wanted to do was hurt the man he loved.
But Colin took that decision right out of his hands, pulling away and reaching for the condom package. He ripped it with his teeth and reached for Nick’s dick. “No more waiting,” he panted out. “I’m ready.”
Nick took the condom before Colin could tease him any further and rolled it on, slicking himself up. “Okay,” he breathed out. “It’ll be easier on your front, honestly.”
Colin frowned. “I want to kiss you.”
Nick leaned over and kissed him thoroughly. “I know,” he said, his hands resting on Colin’s chest. “But do this for me, okay?”
Nick had quickly learned that the easiest way to get Colin to go along with something was to pretend it was something he wanted. It was manipulative, maybe, but Nick also knew he was right. It would be easier like this.
Colin rolled over and Nick took a single deep breath, his fingers trembling on Colin’s flank. “You ready?” he aske, one last time, his other hand wrapped around the base of his cock, praying he wouldn’t lose control too quickly. It had been so long since he’d done this with someone he really cared about, and it would be stupid to think that it wouldn’t matter.
It already mattered.
“I’m going to fall asleep if you wait any longer,” Colin ground out, and Nick let out a choked laugh as he pressed in, Colin closing tight and hot around him.
Nick felt Colin tense, and hesitated. “Am I allowed to ask if you’re okay?”
Colin’s voice was soft. “I’m okay. Just need a little...adjustment.”
Nick waited a breathless moment, and then another, before Colin shifted back, and pressed Nick all the way in, a long, slick slide that left Nick lightheaded and grasping for restraint.
“God,” Colin grunted, guttural and intense, and that sound alone was nearly Nick’s undoing.
Trying to keep it slow and steady, Nick set a rhythm, hands sliding along Colin’s hips, trying to hit the angle that kept him swearing, low and strained, but of course, Colin demanded more. “Faster,” he panted, the muscles in his back straining, his biceps flexing as he fisted his own cock in time with Nick’s thrusts. It was an undeniable image that sucked Nick right down – he couldn’t ignore it even if he closed his eyes. He’d see it in his sleep, in his dreams, and it shot him right over the edge, right as Colin gave a yell and squeezed around his cock.
“I think it’s safe to say, I really like dick,” Colin said, a bright grin enveloping his features, as they laid in bed, finally clean, and tucked back in.
Nick choked on the water he was drinking. “I didn’t realize that was up for discussion still.”
“It wasn’t, not really, but it’s not a bad thing to verify the morning I tell everyone that I do.”
“Little late to take it back now,” Nick reminded him.
“As if I would,” Colin grumbled, throwing an arm around Nick’s shoulders and pulling him close. “I’ve never been happier.”
Nick’s heart throbbed and felt like it was expanding another half-size. He’d never be able to keep his marshmallow side hidden if this guy kept going on this way. “You said that already this morning.”
The expression on Colin’s face was earnest and affectionate. So god-damned open. Nick still wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse. “It’s worth saying twice.”
Helen called at eleven, her voice perennially cheery as Colin put on her speakerphone. “So much positive coverage,” she chirped. “Everyone is so proud and happy. I’m emailing you over a selection of articles.”
But of course Colin wasn’t happy at that. “What about twitter and social media?”
Helen’s half-second of hesitation was enough of an answer. “Mostly positive,” she said, which Nick knew she would’ve said even if it had been 95% negative. “There’s some disbelief and ignorance, of course, but then we knew that was inevitable. There’s ugly people everywhere.”
“Right,” Colin said, and Nick wished he could throw himself physically in front of every single person who would say something nasty to him. But that was not only ridiculous, it was impossible.
“I’m still recommending you stay off the grid, at least for another day or two,” Helen continued.
“We’re going to the Five Points offices tomorrow afternoon, but nothing planned before then,” Nick interrupted, like Helen didn’t already have the schedule memorized.
Helen’s voice was careful. “I was talking more about social media, but that’s good, too.”
“I want to make a post tonight,” Colin said. “Something basic, like to thank everyone for their support.”
Nick knew, because Colin had already tried to convince him twice, that he’d actually been hoping that Nick would appear in the post with him, as his official partner. But they didn’t need to bring that up to Helen, who’d have a coronary.
“Run the post by me first,” Helen said.
Colin rolled his eyes. “I’m perfectly able of making a social media post without your explicit permission,” he said.
“As you’re aware,” she said with a tone of steel, “any account with as many followers as you do has all their posts vetted first. That’s social media one-oh-one, and you know that.”
As Nick expected, Colin grumbled, but ultimately agreed to send her the post first.
Duncan emailed over some preliminary numbers mid-afternoon, when they were in the middle of their Indiana Jones marathon.
“How are they?” Colin asked, looking more interested in those than in the articles Helen had emailed over earlier.
Nick rolled his eyes. “Spectacular, of course. You’re big news. And we’re sort of the experts on you, right now, anyway.”
“The other articles were just shallow copies of what you’d already said,” Colin said, and for the first time all day, there was a testy note in his voice. “If Helen had given them the press release and your article even twelve hours earlier, there might have been more original thought in them.”
Colin knew exactly why Helen hadn’t pre-distributed the material to the media, but he continued to pretend ignorance that his story wasn’t the biggest one sports had seen in years.
“Just dying for people to judge you?” Nick asked drily. “Calm down, O’Connor. This isn’t a game to win. You’ve already won.”
“I just...part of me really wants to know what people think. Not because it changes my own perception, but I’m curious.”
Nick pushed on Colin’s chest, pinning him to the couch. Colin went easily, even though they both knew he could have overpowered Nick in a second. “Just sit down and watch the damn movie.”
Colin shot him an annoyed look.
“Believe it or not,” Nick insisted, “this is actually me helping you. Besides, you agreed to the media blackout. I’d imagine that in a week, when you’ve done all those interviews you hate so much, you’ll wish you were back here anyway.”
“Probably,” Colin admitted grudgingly.
“Then sit your ass down and watch the damn movie,” Nick said.
Around seven, Jemma and Gabe showed up with pizza and beer.
Nick tried to pretend there was a fleck of dust in his eye when Jemma wrapped her arms around Colin and didn’t let him go for a long moment.
“How’re you hanging in there?” Gabe asked when they went into the kitchen to give Jemma and Colin a moment alone together.
“I’m fine,
” Nick said as casually as he could.
“You’re a nervous wreck,” Gabe corrected. “I’m not sure who’s worse off in this media blackout, you or O’Connor. He’s looking increasingly cornered, like he just got blitzed, and you look cranky as I’ve ever seen you.”
“I’m not cranky,” Nick said, pulling plates down from the cupboard. “I just hate not knowing what’s going on. Colin hates it, too.”
“Then let him fucking look at it. It’s not like twenty-four hours is going to change anyone’s mind about him. They either think he’s the bravest thing since Michael Sam, or they think he’s a fairy who shouldn’t be playing ball. Time isn’t going to make him more ready or the world more accepting.”
“I know,” Nick said lowly, resting his elbows against the counter. “I know that.”
“There’s a lot of supportive people in the world. And even if there weren’t, not knowing is killing both of you.”
Nick had hoped they could at least hold off until tomorrow morning. But he already knew that they’d go through some of the material online after Gabe and Jemma left. Maybe then this horrible knot of terror would loosen a little.
“I remember when you told me you were gay,” Gabe continued. “And you just said it. You didn’t know me, didn’t know how I’d react, and you just said it to some guy you’d just met at the gym, totally matter-of-fact. Don’t tell me that O’Connor can’t do that. He could. He can. You know he can. You’ve let your feelings cloud your judgement of what he’s capable of.”
Nick frowned. “I know he’s capable. That isn’t the issue.”
“I know. You’re afraid for him. But you keep forgetting, this is the dude that stared down the Alabama defensive line. The Raiders. The Ravens. The fuckin’ Steelers, man. He’s stone cold in a zone. You can’t shake him.”
An uncomfortable feeling crawled up Nick’s neck. “He’s a lot more than a football player.”
Gabe shot him a grim look as he grabbed a beer from the fridge. “Maybe, but he’s still got that inside him. And you shouldn’t forget it.”