by Ashley Croft
‘Do you mind me popping round?’ he asked. Momentarily it was as if he’d picked up Sarah’s own mood of uncertainty. She smiled at him. She still cared for him a lot, no matter what might happen in the future.
‘No … I was wondering how you were, actually,’ she said, trying to sound as if life was carrying on as normal.
He hesitated before replying. ‘I’ve been busy with work and the wedding plans,’ he said but Sarah had the strong impression that wasn’t his real reason for keeping his distance from her. ‘How are things with you? Not having heard from you for a little while, I didn’t really know whether to call or not, but I do care about you, Sarah, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.’
‘Of course I don’t mind. I like seeing you … but it’s just been a busy time, that’ s all and … Niall’s popping over tomorrow evening. I have to sign some more papers to do with the sale.’ Sarah kicked herself. Why had she told Liam that? Was she secretly longing to confess what she planned to do?
‘So you are moving out of here?’ Liam asked.
‘Yes. I mean, probably, unless Niall changes his mind, of course,’ she added hastily, digging an ever-deeper hole for herself.
‘We both know that’s not going to happen, don’t we?’ said Liam gently.
‘It does seem unlikely.’ Sarah felt horribly guilty. Liam was lovely, and she was deceiving him, deceiving Niall … and herself.
‘Sarah, the last thing I want to do is pressurise you …’ Liam began, as Sarah felt the ground shift beneath her. ‘In fact, that’s one reason I haven’t called round or phoned for a while but I wondered if you’d made a decision about the business unit.’
‘Oh, Liam, it’s sweet of you to think of me but I don’t think I could afford the rent,’ she said, fearing her nose might shoot out, Pinocchio-style. Actually the rent was very reasonable and the way her business was expanding, she could probably cover it but she couldn’t tell Liam why she was really turning his offer down.
He shook his head. ‘Sweet? I’m not being sweet.’ Liam glanced down at his hands and Sarah thought he might be about to turn on his heel and leave but he ploughed on, brusquer than she’d heard him before. ‘I was only trying to offer you a practical solution, not pressure you.’
‘I didn’t mean to be rude and you’re right. I definitely need to do something about my situation but …’ She hated herself.
‘Well, it’s entirely up to you. The unit’s not far from Molly’s place if you still intend to share her flat in the short term. There’s plenty of parking for your students – they wouldn’t have to find spaces on the road like they do here, and the small business park where the unit’s situated is on a bus and cycle route into town.’
‘It was – it is perfect.’ Sarah’s stomach twisted with guilt. Everything Liam was saying made perfect sense. Everything she was doing was crazy and yet, a force within her told her to take the risky path. ‘I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I don’t think it’s for me. To be honest, I haven’t totally decided what I’m going to do – with the Kabin, that is.’
‘OK. If you do change your mind, let me know.’
Sarah nodded.
‘And please tell me if you don’t want to see me again. I mean I want to carry on seeing you, as a friend, of course …’ His manner, so confident and businesslike, was now more hesitant, almost boyish. She should be drooling, just like her customers, yet she resented him for being so handsome, so sexy, so confident and so damn nice. The better he was as a person, the guiltier she felt and she didn’t want to hurt him. If Niall did come back it could be very awkward for her to see Liam ever again.
‘No, of course not.’ Sarah’s heart sank. She was half-desperate for him to leave and half-desperate that he was leaving. Their friendship – more than friendship – would have to end if – when – Niall was back in her life. She knew it and Liam sensed it although he didn’t know why. But it was a sacrifice she’d have to make to get Niall back, wasn’t it? Her baby – her and Niall’s baby – would have a chance of having its own mother and father. This was a way they could all be together again. It was worth it, wasn’t it?
Sarah’s doubts were stronger than ever but if she didn’t try, would she always be wondering what might have been?
‘OK. I’ll put the unit on the open rental market and see what happens. If you change your mind before we find a tenant, give me a call or drop me an email. I would never push you into anything you weren’t ready for but remember, no matter what happens, I’ll always be a friend, if you want me to be.’
He picked up his keys and brushed his lips over her cheek. ‘Good luck with whatever you decide to do.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
With a pounding heart and clammy palms, Molly rang the doorbell of the cottage for a second time. There had been no answer to her first ring and she was about to phone Sarah to see where she was when the door creaked open and Sarah peered around the frame.
‘Sorry I couldn’t get to the phone. I was in the loo,’ she whispered, glancing up and down the street over Molly’s shoulder as if she was checking for surveillance police. ‘You’d better come in.’
‘Why are you whispering?’ Molly whispered back.
Sarah pulled a face. ‘You never know who’s listening.’
‘You mean, MI5?’ Molly was joking but in truth she was all over the place herself. Then she told herself to calm down and reminded herself that technically, she wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. OK, technically she was doing something very wrong. Her heart sank but she followed Sarah into the lounge and put her rucksack in the middle of the coffee table.
Sarah stared at the bag as if it had a bomb inside it. ‘Oh my God. Is it in there?’
‘Yes. Do you want to see it?’
Sarah nodded and Molly delved in her bag and pulled out a perfume atomiser.
‘Here you go.’ She held it out.
Sarah wrinkled her nose. ‘Oh. It looks just like a normal perfume bottle.’
‘Ah but that’s the cunning disguise. I mixed the agent with some coloured water, glycerol and fragrance but believe me, you won’t find this in Superdrug.’
Sarah took the bottle and held it up to the light like Indiana Jones. ‘And one whiff of this and he’ll fall at my feet?’ she said in wonder.
‘I wouldn’t guarantee it. In fact, I doubt it.’ Molly was desperately trying to dampen down Sarah’s expectations. ‘The effects may take a while to show, if they show at all. And like I told you before, the Love Bug only facilitates a predisposition to bonding. The truth is at this experimental stage, we don’t know exactly what will happen or how long it will last.’
Sarah cradled the bottle in her hand. ‘Are you sure it’s not dangerous?’
‘I’m sure it won’t do Niall any bodily harm,’ said Molly, more confidently than she felt.
‘What if I change my mind?’
‘If you’re going to change your mind, change it before you try it on Niall. Are you having second thoughts?’ said Molly hopefully.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Then don’t use it. You have to be really really sure about this, hon, for everyone’s sake.’
Sarah stroked the bottle thoughtfully. ‘I know.’
‘And that you’re not just doing this purely for revenge on Niall …’
‘No. I admit I have hated him as well as loved him, but even after what he’s done, I wouldn’t be that vindictive.’
‘OK. I’ll leave it with you. Sleep on it but promise me, if there’s a shred of doubt in your mind then don’t let Niall have it.’ Molly felt almost light-headed with guilt. She wanted to give Sarah one last chance to see sense because her best chance of wriggling out of this situation was to persuade Sarah not to use the Bug in the first place.
‘How long do I have to give it to him? Does it go off or something?’
‘I can’t say for sure. When do you plan on using it?’ Molly asked.
Sarah pulled a face. ‘Niall’s supposed to visi
t at the weekend … maybe then. I don’t really know. But are you sure about me using it?’ said Sarah, setting the bottle down on the table again. ‘If you really don’t want me to do it, if you’re worried about getting into trouble …’
‘As long as no one finds out, we should be OK.’
‘Why would they find out? I swear on my life that I won’t tell anyone.’
‘I know. I trust you but I can’t help being nervous about this.’
Sarah hugged her. ‘Me too, but I’m also so excited.’
Molly’s stomach churned like a washing machine as she looked at Sarah’s shining eyes. Her sister hadn’t seemed so happy since the night of the New Year’s Eve party, before the whole thing with Niall had kicked off.
Sarah smiled nervously. ‘What’s the matter? Do I have spinach in my teeth or something?’
‘No, just the opposite. I hope this doesn’t sound cheesy but you’re glowing. Your skin and hair and eyes look brighter. You probably won’t agree with me but pregnancy suits you.’
‘Liam said that.’ She lifted her tunic and the bump, though small, was clearly visible on her slender figure. ‘I don’t feel sick anymore, thank God. Do you think Niall will notice my bump?’
‘I don’t know, but you will need to tell him very soon.’
‘I know but I don’t want to risk it until after he’s had the Love Bug … Molly … have you ever thought of using this on Ewan?’
‘No!’ Her own vehemence surprised her. ‘No, I couldn’t.’
Sarah gave Molly a laser stare, the one she used to give her when Molly had kicked off again at school. ‘Not even for a single second?’ she asked.
‘For a second and that’s all. I’ve given up on him and I’ll be glad when this race is over.’ Molly meant it. ‘And he is attracted to me, that isn’t the problem, it’s getting him to act on it. I wish he’d just come out and say if he wants us to shag each other or not, instead of fannying around all the time. Having to spend all that time inches from him, seeing him all sweaty in the Lycra leggings, my bum rammed into his nose. It’s driving me mad.’
‘Imagine how he feels, then,’ Sarah said.
‘That’s just it, I don’t know exactly how he feels and he doesn’t seem to, either.’
‘If he’d wanted to put you off, he’d never have suggested the tandem ride. No man would have suggested that if he didn’t want to spend so much time with you.’
Molly sighed. ‘No, I suppose not, but since I joked about the microbe/card thing, he’s been worse than ever, as if he’s scared of me. He hardly spoke to me on our last two training sessions but it’s the race this weekend so I expect that will be the end of it.’
‘Ewan seemed happy enough to be with you at the pub,’ Sarah offered. ‘I thought he and Liam were getting on really well.’
‘Ewan likes Liam, I could tell, but the bonhomie doesn’t extend to me and when the race is over, I think that will be the end of our chances together, if there ever were any. I think Ewan’s regretted asking me and he’s relieved that the training and everything is almost over too. By the way, it was great of Liam to offer the van and the sponsorship.’
‘He’s a good man. Look, I’m sorry that I won’t be able to come to cheer you on at the end of the tandem ride but I can wave you off.’
‘It’s fine. I didn’t expect you to come out all that way to the finish. Waving us off will be great. I’ll need all the support I can get!’ Molly winced, thinking again that seventy-five miles was a hell of a long way. She dreaded to think what her nether regions would be like at the end of it.
‘I’ll miss Liam when Niall’s back …’ Sarah said wistfully.
‘You can’t have it all …’ said Molly, hoping against hope that Sarah would see sense: that Niall wasn’t worth having back and she was better off without him.
Sarah hugged her. ‘I know, but you’re willing to try – that’s what matters – and let’s face it, things can’t get any worse, can they?’
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Sarah stared at the crack in the ceiling. The same crack, surrounded by little puffs of peeling paint, that she’d been staring at for half the night. Since Liam and Molly had visited, she’d driven herself round the bend contemplating what she was about to do to Niall and to Molly. She must have dropped off at some point because somehow the birds were tweeting for all they were worth and a grey dawn had crept into the room through a gap in the curtains. Funny, but she couldn’t remember hearing the birds singing before when she woke. Spring really was just around the corner.
She lay in bed for a little while, feeling the unmistakable fluttering in her stomach as the baby stirred too. A weak sun had replaced the gloomy dawn and shone a finger of light over her dressing table.
She hauled herself out of bed and made herself some toast and honey, and a cup of chamomile tea. Her appetite had vanished but she knew she needed to eat for the baby’s sake. She was toying with a second slice when the doorbell rang. It was barely eight o’clock and she wasn’t expecting anyone but the bell buzzed again like a swarm of angry bees before she had chance to answer the door. When she did, Niall was hopping about on the doorstep, red in the face.
‘Sarah!’ he cried, sounding relieved. ‘Sorry, I know I’m early.’
‘Early? I thought you weren’t coming over until just before lunch?’ she said, tugging her dressing gown tighter as the wind blew straight up her hem. ‘I’m going out to see Molly off on her tandem race this morning.’
Niall frowned. ‘Molly’s on a tandem? What the feck for?’
‘It’s a charity ride. I promised I’d be at the start to see them off.’
Niall clapped his hands together. ‘I won’t stay long. Can I come in? I’m freezing my rocks off out here.’
Sarah let him in, wondering why he was in jeans and a hoodie not his bike leathers. Come to think of it, she hadn’t noticed his bike outside the cottage, either. Surely, he hadn’t walked from Vanessa’s place? Maybe she’d given him a lift … though Sarah couldn’t imagine that Vanessa would come within a hundred yards of the cottage after New Year’s Eve.
‘I have to leave shortly,’ she said, anxious that she might not have time to do what she needed and make it to the race. Niall’s timing was rubbish. Shit. ‘So, where’s your bike?’ she asked.
‘I … er … I’ve sold it. It was costing me a packet to run.’
‘I thought you said all it needed was a new silencer. You love that bike. Why have you got rid of it?’
‘Vanessa thinks it’s dangerous.’
Sarah had always thought Niall’s riding the bike was dangerous but she’d also thought he was a grown-up so it was his decision.
He glanced around the room, seeming to take a great interest in the doors and ceiling.
‘How did you get here, then?’ Sarah asked.
‘On my new bike.’ With a sheepish grin Niall flipped a thumb towards the window. Sarah looked out into the front garden and spotted a pushbike chained to the gatepost.
‘A mountain bike?’ she said.
‘Vanessa thought it would be a good idea. I’ve been trying to get fit, you see … maybe I should have done this charity race.’
Niall looked so embarrassed that Sarah resisted the urge to burst out laughing. ‘I can see you’ve lost a lot of weight,’ she said. He looked too thin, in Sarah’s opinion and there were dark shadows under his eyes.
‘Almost a stone.’ He patted his flat stomach and it gurgled loudly. ‘To tell you the truth I’m feckin’ starving.’
His eyes twinkled and he threw her the cheeky smile that had attracted her in the first place. With the sharpened cheekbones and the short hair, he reminded her of a younger Niall, the one who’d left his stag night mates to chat her up at a club. She felt a sudden surge of love for him, followed by a sharp prickle of conscience. Oh God, he had no idea what she planned to do to him.
‘Want a drink?’ she said. ‘Tea, coffee?’
He seemed surprised. Maybe he was expe
cting a Toby jug, she thought. ‘I could murder a nice mug of tea, if it’s no trouble.’ His stomach rumbled again.
‘I’ll see what I can find to eat,’ said Sarah.
‘It has to be healthy …’ said Niall.
She smiled back at him. ‘I’ll do my very best.’
She went into the kitchen and took a few deep breaths. A strange calmness, almost a numbness descended on her. She’d finally made up her mind last night and once she’d decided, she’d known one hundred per cent that what she was about to do was the right thing.
Even so, she was dreading saying the words out loud. Dreading even more having to see the relief and happiness in his eyes when she told him.
‘OK, I’d been hoping for a second chance but I’ve finally given that hope up. I accept it’s all over between us and I have to move on.’
Her hands shook a little as she poured the hot water onto the teabag in the mug. She squashed the bag against the side of the mug, turning the tea a rusty orange, even though the smell and colour of it made her feel nauseous again.
When she’d woken up this morning, she felt as if a dense fog had lifted from her brain and her whole life. What had she been thinking, begging Molly to risk her career and liberty for such a crazy idea? She couldn’t do this to Molly, or even to Liam or Niall – and definitely not to herself and the baby. She’d decided that she was going to take up Liam’s offer of the craft unit. She’d never get another chance to rent such a perfect location at such a good price and even if she was taking advantage of Liam, she had to think of her future now. She’d decided that when Niall arrived, she would tell him about the baby and let go of the cottage – and him.
Giving Niall what he wanted didn’t feel like victory for him and Vanessa anymore. It would hurt, it would hurt like hell, but it would also mean that she had won a small victory too: against the misery and madness of the past few months. Her prize would be hope and the chance to move on with her baby.