Dream On

by Stacey Keith

  “So how did he ask you?” Darlene said as they headed over toward a red Ford pickup. “Was he all direct and ‘Will you go with me’ about it, or did he ask you sideways?”

  Cassidy took the Cokes from Darlene and passed them inside the cab of the truck. Two friends from high school, Robert McClaskey and Kyle Steffen, grinned at her, shy and a little flirtatious.

  “Hey, Cass,” Kyle said. “Been a while.”

  “You two still working at the plant?” she asked.

  “Nope. We’re driving Freightshakers.” Robert stabbed the lid of his Coke with a straw. “We dream team. I drive while Kyle sleeps.”

  “Like hell,” Kyle said. “I do most of the driving. He does most of the bitching.”

  Robert gave him a mock-punch and then they both went back to staring at her with a curiosity she’d never seen on their faces before. These were boys she’d grown up with. Their lives and hers had always been tangled up in one way or another, but she’d never been more than a kid sister to either one of them. So why the sudden gleam in their eyes?

  Darlene made change for the five dollar bill they gave her and handed it through. With a wink, she said, “Y’all should just admit you got feelings for each other and get married.”

  Kyle took off his trucker’s cap and wiped the sweat with his forearm. “The hell, you say. Robby snores too goddamn much.”

  Robert gave Cassidy a look that started at her skated feet and traveled up. “So, you ladies heading over to the rodeo tonight?”

  “Cass is going with Mason Hannigan,” Darlene said proudly.

  Cassidy wished Darlene hadn’t done that.

  “Mason Hannigan?” Kyle couldn’t seem to lose that knowing grin. “We mighta heard y’all was seen around town lately.”

  Robert tipped his cup in her direction. “He was kinda sweet on you there for a while, ain’t that right, Cass?”

  Cassidy smoothed her apron. She gazed out over the other cars, although everyone was eating and no one looked like they needed anything. “Good catching up with you boys,” she murmured and then skated off to collect an empty tray.

  A minute later, Darlene caught her at the door. “Listen, I didn’t make you mad back there, did I? Saying you were going to the rodeo with Mason? Because the way I figured, everybody’s going to see you there anyway.”

  Cassidy let go of the door handle and then slid around the corner so Artie couldn’t yell at her. She braced one skated foot on the wall behind her and raised her face to the warm October sun. The sky was a piercing, hard-shell blue, cloudless and clear. An owl hooted softly, one short hoot and one long. The sound of football drills drifted in from the middle school athletic fields.

  She knew spending time with Mason made her happy. So why did her stomach cramp every time somebody spoke his name and gave her that sly look? A look that clearly said, “Didn’t you learn anything the first time, Cassidy Roby?”

  “When my heart gets broken,” she said softly, “I don’t want everyone to see it. I don’t want them to pity me or sneak around behind my back and say that I forgot who I was, going out with someone like Mason. I can’t go through what I went through last time, Darlene. I just can’t.”

  Darlene looked so forlorn, Cassidy felt as though she were the one who needed consoling. “But what makes you think your heart’s going to get broken? Why go out with him at all if you know it’s going to end badly?”

  To save herself from having to say the words, Cassidy gave her a grave look, one heavy with meaning.

  “Holy shitballs, you love him,” Darlene said. “I mean, I knew you did when we were in high school, but now?”

  Cassidy stared down at her skates. They were bright purple, cross-hatched with the fluorescent green laces that Lexie had given her last Christmas. “I don’t think we get to choose who we love, do you?” Because if love were a choice, she thought sadly, I’d have picked someone far safer and a lot less famous.

  “Yeah, but this is Mason Hannigan you’re in love with,” Darlene insisted. “You have no idea what his life is like now. I mean, we’ve all seen the kind of women he dates, right? The papers are full of him with supermodels and actresses.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Cassidy said, picturing all those perfect, confident women, women who traveled the world, who spoke other languages. The last time she’d set foot outside of Cuervo was eight months ago when she and her family had taken Lexie to Six Flags in San Antonio. In comparison, she felt about as interesting as a long-form tax return.

  “His house in Dallas?” Darlene continued. “Beth and I went online the other night and you can’t believe what that place looks like. There’s a freakin’ pool that goes inside the house with a big retractable window and—”

  “I don’t care about any of that.”

  “I know you don’t. All I’m saying is you’re playing in the major leagues. The Mason Hannigan you were crushing on in high school isn’t the same Mason Hannigan you have feelings for now.”

  Cassidy poked her head around the corner to see if Artie had stormed the front window yet, brandishing his spatula, and then she dropped back against the wall with a sigh. She felt raw and hollow inside, as though someone had rubbed all her tenderest feelings with 20-grit sandpaper. And she’d started the day so well, too, with a kind of dreamy optimism. Now she just felt tired and defeated. “I know Mason is out of my league. Believe me, I know. But when he leaves, I just want the space to be sad in private. Is that too much to ask of people?”

  “Of course it is! No one’s going to let you do that. Not here. Not in Cuervo. That’s the price they’re going to make you pay for dating him.”

  With the flush that came from remembered embarrassment, Cassidy re-lived the numb despair she’d felt walking the halls of her high school, the times she had to jump up from her desk and run to the restroom because of morning sickness. By her eighth month, she couldn’t fit behind a school desk at all. Her teachers had to make space for her wherever they could. How she’d survived that year still mystified her. It felt as though every mistake she made, every humiliating misstep, had been up for discussion at a town hall meeting that she never got invited to.

  But there were moments of grace. Friends like Beth and Darlene and Jessica Coleman who made her laugh; neighbors who brought onesies and burp clothes and Diaper Genies to her baby shower. And there was Lexie herself, in no hurry to be born, arriving at 4:14 in the morning. The second Cassidy held her, a tender, painful love came rushing up. She knew that her carefree days were over, perhaps for good. They’d been replaced by this single-minded devotion that made her want to be a better woman for her daughter, to finish school no matter what the cost.

  “You’ve got to remind me,” Cassidy said softly.

  “Huh?”

  “When you see me ducking for cover like I always do, just say, ‘This isn’t high school, Cassidy. You’re older now. This time, you can deal with whatever awful thing is coming.’”

  * * * *

  “Why do we have to go to the store?” Lexie said as Cassidy herded her through the automatic doors of Strom Mart. “I hate going to the store. It smells funny and I don’t like that window where you see all the meat hanging.”

  “Then don’t look.” Cassidy grabbed a plastic wheelie cart and dragged it to the produce aisle. Despite her impatience, she forced herself to wait until the overhead misters shut off before pawing through water-laden lettuce and radishes. “I know we’re going to the rodeo tonight, but I don’t want you filling up on funnel cakes. So I’m making dinner and you’re going to eat it.”

  “Aunt Maggie says you sound just like Grandma when you say things like that.” Lexie folded her thin arms over her chest and glared, looking a bit like Maggie, actually.

  Cassidy snapped open a plastic bag and started sorting through the bin of yellow squash. “It’s a compliment. Grandma is awesome.”

  “No
body uses that word anymore, Mom. And why can’t you go to the store before you pick me up at Grandma’s?”

  “What do you mean, nobody uses that word anymore? It’s a great word. It’s awesome.”

  Lexie issued her signature stare, the one that meant Mom was completely lame and didn’t know what cool was anymore.

  “And the reason I don’t go to the store in the morning is because I work while you’re at school,” Cassidy continued. “You know, so we can afford things like dinner.”

  “But we don’t need dinner. We’re going to the rodeo with Mr. Mason.”

  “Not if you don’t eat something healthy first.” Cassidy spun the plastic bag with the squash in it, knotted the top, and then set it in her cart. “Do you want chicken or lamb chops?”

  Lexie ignored the question and ran ahead of her up the aisle. She snatched a bag of Cheez-Its off the shelf and then presented it, spokesmodel style, next to her face.

  “No.”

  Lexie heaved a martyred sigh. “I never get to do what I want.”

  “Your life is pretty horrible that way, what with the starvation and the child cruelty and the no cheez crackers.”

  Cassidy turned the corner and spotted Parker’s sister, Kayla. Technically, Kayla was Lexie’s aunt, but she’d never taken much interest in Lexie other than to remark when she saw her around town how tall she’d gotten or why didn’t Cassidy make her wear a jacket during one of Cuervo’s cold snaps. She’d married Todd Merriwether right out of high school and had three kids of her own now, which was how Cassidy made excuses for her rather chilling indifference. Two of those kids were in Kayla’s shopping cart right now, runny-nosed and whining.

  Kayla held a package of frozen chicken in one hand and a sippy cup in the other. She’d cut her hair in a bob since the last time Cassidy saw her. She wore a Lycra gym top with her boobs spilling out, denim shorts and wedge heels. Even Lexie blinked at her a few times before saying, “Hi, Aunt Kayla.”

  When she spun around, for just a fraction of a second, hostility showed clearly on Kayla’s face. Then she erupted in smiles.

  “Well, hi, precious girl! Look how tall you are now. Almost as tall as your mama.” Kayla flung her arms out for a hug and Lexie hesitated briefly before giving her one. But it was her daughter’s puzzled expression that hurt Cassidy. She’d never been able to account for why Kayla didn’t like her or her daughter. Maybe Kayla figured getting pregnant was some pathetic attempt to trap Parker into marrying her. But Cassidy had never wanted to marry Parker. When she finally forced herself to email him at college, it had been a single paragraph telling him what had happened, including her due date. The next morning, his parents arrived on her parents’ front porch yelling about paternity tests and lawyers. The humiliation nearly killed her.

  “You should see my oldest boy, Richard,” Kayla said to Cassidy. “Almost six now and tall as anything. Todd says he’ll be a ball player for sure, with his height and coordination.”

  Cassidy hesitated, unsure whether this declaration required a response, but Kayla plowed right ahead. “Speaking of ball players, I hear one Mr. Mason Hannigan is back in town. He must be making the rounds, you know? Catching up with old friends.” Kayla grabbed two more packages of chicken and dropped them in her cart. “I’m sure he’s been trying to get in touch with me, but Richard left my phone out in the yard and the sprinklers went off.”

  “Mr. Mason is taking me and my mom to the rodeo tonight,” Lexie said.

  Kayla shoved the sippy cup into her toddler’s hands. “What a heart that man has. Didn’t I read somewhere that he works with handicapped kids, too?”

  Cassidy sucked in a breath, unable to believe what she’d just heard. She reached around Kayla, picked up a package of chicken breasts, and then without another word, marched over to the dairy section. Lexie said goodbye in a voice that didn’t sound like hers. Lexie didn’t deserve this. She deserved someone who cared about her, who was human.

  Cassidy could feel Kayla watching them. Anger swirled hot and red, and she made a fist, picturing with satisfaction the look on Kayla’s face were she to have landed it. Bad enough that she had to take the heat for seeing Mason, but no way was she going to let people like Kayla take aim at her daughter.

  Thinking about everything her own family did for her and Lexie, how they tried so hard to make up for Parker’s absence and the deficiencies of his entire crappy family, made her even madder.

  Lexie glanced over her shoulder at Kayla, who was now loudly ordering her toddler to stay in the cart. “Mom,” she said in a sad whisper. “Why does Aunt Kayla hate me?”

  * * * *

  “Gotta love a bye week,” Jasper said as he threw the football to Mason. “No seven a.m. coaches’ meetings, no press conferences—”

  “No catered breakfasts,” Brian reminded him, “No sports therapy massages.”

  Mason thought how much he missed those massages. He launched the football at Temple, who grunted and fumbled. The ball bounced over the grass of Cuervo Municipal Park and then landed about twenty feet away. “Gee, you’re not hungover at all, are you?” he asked.

  Temple grinned at him and scooped up the ball, all Mister GQ with his sculpted blond crew cut and designer hoodie. “Who knew that a little weed hole town like yours would be crawling with jersey chasers?”

  “We would’ve totally woken you up, bro, but figured you were on the wagon,” Jasper said.

  Brian caught the ball from Temple and threw it to Mason. “Yeah, the pussy wagon,” he mock-coughed, and everyone snickered.

  “I’m surprised you slept through the noise,” Jasper continued. “After you tipped us off that it was game on at the Aces, we brought the party back to the motel. Soooo many bunnies.”

  “Mason’s only got one bunny on his mind these days,” Brian said. As the engaged guy among them, he gave Mason a knowing wink. Brian’s fiancée put up with zero shit from anyone, especially Brian, who tended to act like an overgrown kid even under the best of circumstances. At his last big pool bash, he’d gotten a Bounce House and put it right on the water.

  “That true, Mason?” Temple asked. “You getting ready to cuddle up with just one bunny for a change?”

  Mason drilled him in the stomach with the football. “What the hell? You guys make it sound like a retirement party. Or a wake.”

  “Can’t be a man-whore forever,” Jasper told him. “You’re not always going to be this pretty.”

  “Uh, wasn’t that a bra I saw hanging outside your door this morning, man-whore?”

  “So that’s where it went!” Jasper exclaimed. “We spent fifteen minutes looking for that thing.”

  Mason caught a touch throw pass and then threw a sidearm to Temple. At noon, the sun cast no shadows. The ratcheting of Saturday morning lawnmowers sounded in the distance. Birds hopped along the short grass, looking for a meal, and the sky was a hot bright blue. How many Saturdays had he spent here as a boy throwing the football? Later, when he’d gotten older, how many Saturdays had he spent hoping to catch sight of the girls who always seemed to find their way to the park? They traveled in small herds, bracelets jangling on thin wrists, all scuffed sandals and scented lip gloss and teased hair. Back then, every day was going to be just like that one, no pressure, no worries, only endless summer.

  “So what did you do last night?” Jasper asked him. “There wasn’t any hanky-panky on the porch, was there?”

  “I walked Cassidy home,” Mason said.

  “Ahem.”

  “That’s it, you dirty minded bastard.”

  Jasper caught the football and then gave it a gentle lob in Brian’s direction. “Yep. Our boy is finally getting serious.”

  Mason didn’t bother to deny it. Oh, there’d been hanky-panky aplenty last night… in his head. Cassidy’s little girl had opted to stay the night with her Aunt Maggie, which left the field wide open. Yet
as much as he wanted Cassidy, he’d dropped her off at her house and that was it. He refused to be a pig about it, even though the urge to touch her was driving him out of his mind.

  As though Jasper could read his thoughts, he said, “My guess is our boy here spent last night dating his hand.”

  “Loser!” Temple shouted.

  “I spent last night going over next week’s playbook,” Mason said, but he knew no one was buying it.

  Across the park, a station wagon pulled up to the curb. Five kids and two men got out. The men already had their cell phones pointed in his direction. Any other day, he might have been okay with it. But after seeing Cassidy’s shock and horror of the night before, Mason wasn’t keen on starting another mob scene.

  “Let’s go for a run,” he said, jerking his chin at the gawkers.

  Jasper groaned. “Fuck that. Let’s flip tires. Should be plenty of big-ass farm tires around here, right?”

  “You heard the man,” Brian said. “Get moving.”

  Mason set an easy pace toward Moss Creek, which was about three miles outside of town. Usually he led the pack, with everyone bitching and wisecracking behind him. Today, he and Jasper fell into the same rhythm while Brian and Temple took the lead.

  The air smelled of cut grass. Leaves drifted down from the hall of sycamores they passed under whose dwindling branches met overhead. A new generation of young athletes played football in the front yard of a house that used to belong to his friend Dave Webber’s family. For all Mason knew, one of those boys could have been Dave’s son. The kids stopped scrimmaging to stare and wave, and it was like looking through a time warp, this sense Mason had that just yesterday he was one of those kids.

  “So,” Jasper said, “What’s the story with Cassidy? She was your high school girl, right?”

  “Yep. I was crazy about her. Then I dumped her for Kayla Nolen.”

  “Why’d you do that?” Jasper asked.

  “Because I was a dick.”

  “C’mon now. For real, why did you dump her?”

  Mason wiped his forehead with the hem of his T-shirt before tugging it back into place. The truth was, he didn’t like thinking about it. He didn’t like what he’d done, the harm he’d possibly inflicted, and how none of that jaked with how he thought of himself now.