Something clunked in his gut. Damn, that sounded good. "I can't."
She lifted her head and stared at him. Even in the dark, he could see the tension on her face. Or maybe he could just feel it, emanating from her body. "Don't even say his stupid name."
He loved her fire. And he loved that she didn't hold back what she thought of him. He owed her the truth. "I can't lie, Josie. It was great. Unbelievable. You're an amazing woman."
"But..."
"But I owe my brother."
Josie sat up, grabbed a pillow and smashed him in the head with it. "What's the deal with your idiotic brother? Why are you so obsessed with him?" She clocked him once more with the pillow. "And don't say it's just because he's your brother because I don't believe you."
His amusement at the pillow attack faded. "I'm not interested in going into my past."
"Tough." She whacked him again, and a feather floated gently down. "When you made love to me tonight, you lost the right to shut me out of your past."
He grinned.
"Why are you smiling? This isn't funny."
"I love it when you don't let me get away with anything."
"Shut up and talk."
"Most women are too worried about losing a chance to get at my money to tell me how they really feel about me."
She looked baffled. "What are you talking about?"
"You make me feel real."
"You are real. A real jerk if you don't stop avoiding the subject. You owe me the truth, Evan. Now."
She did have a point. Besides, he was in too deep. He wouldn't be able to get up tomorrow and pretend nothing had happened. He'd gone too far to back out.
"Evan. You better start talking or I'm going to release Max into your office to destroy everything."
He grinned.
"Stop smiling! I'm upset and I'm mad at you!" She took a deep breath, and lowered her voice. "Tell me what's up with your brother, or I promise to withhold all sexual favors from you forever." Then she sat on top of him. Stark naked. "You going to talk, Dorsett?"
"I don't talk about my past." He set his hands on her hips and settled her. Damn, she felt good.
"So? I don't sleep with men I hate."
"You don't hate me."
She scowled. "Don't be so sure. I'm really not too pleased with you at the moment. Talk."
Talk. Just like that. So easy for a woman to say. What was he supposed to do? Just start pouring his heart out? He wouldn't even know how to start.
And even if he did, then what? No way would Josie be interested in him if she knew the truth.
So maybe that was the key.
Tell her the truth, disgust her, and she'd walk away. He ignored the drop in his gut at the thought of Josie being repulsed by him. It was the only way to do right by Buddy, because he certainly wasn't strong enough to do it on his own.
But how to start? Except Bertie, who'd dragged it out of him, he'd never talked about it in his life. How was he supposed to do it now? "Fine."
She lifted an eyebrow. "Fine? You'll tell me?"
"You can ask questions. I'll answer."
"This isn't a game."
"No kidding." He tensed and waited.
She pursed her lips and studied him. Finally, her face softened. "Fine. I'll ask."
All right, then. This wouldn't take long, at least until Josie grabbed her clothes and stalked out of the room.
"Where are your parents?"
He cleared his throat and focused on the ceiling. "Dead."
She made some sound, but he refused to look at her.
"How?"
"Died in prison." He tensed, certain she was going to leave.
But she didn't. "How long ago?"
"When I was nineteen."
"Was this the first time they were in prison?"
He ground his teeth and refused to look at her. "No."
She looked thoughtful, not repulsed. "So hold on here a second. Were your parents in prison when you were growing up?"
"Yep." See, Josie? The Dorsetts are nightmares you don't want to be around.
"And so, who raised you?"
"Relatives. Foster homes. We got passed around."
"And you tried to look after your little brother."
"Yeah." He shifted. Why was she still here? He hadn't been prepared for this to go on so long.
"And then when you were nineteen, they left for good."
"So?"
"And then what? Buddy messed up? Started experimenting with crime?"
"Yeah." He really wanted to look at her face, see what she was thinking. But he couldn’t. No way could he stand to see her revulsion.
"What happened then?"
He gritted his teeth and dug his fingers into her thighs, which were still around his hips. "Buddy screwed up. Stole a car. Went to prison. When he got out, I told him I wasn't going to support him anymore. Shape up or get out." He closed his eyes for a moment. "So he left. Never saw him again."
"And so now you don't have a family, and you want one, and you'll do anything to make amends with the one family member still out there."
He opened his eyes and looked at her. She was looking at him, her eyebrows crunched, her lips pursed, and her jaw clenched. "Why do you look so mad?"
"Because! That's heroic!"
Heroic? She thought he was heroic for dumping his brother? "I don't get it."
"You're madly in love with me, and you'll deprive yourself of true happiness for your brother. I thought you were too soft, but you're just caring and wonderful and all that bunk."
"I'm not madly in love with you." He nearly choked on the words.
"Shut up. If I want to turn you into a hero, it's my prerogative. Especially if it helps my ego." She flopped down next to him and draped her leg across him. "It was so much easier when I was able to hate you. Then it didn't matter if it was just great sex. I mean, it did bug me a little when you ignored me. But now I can't possibly hate you. You love your brother, and you overcame your childhood to be this big success and everything." She grabbed the pillow she'd been whacking him with and planted it over her face.
She screamed into the pillow.
Why didn't she hate him? Maybe he hadn't made it clear enough. "I failed Buddy. Don't you see? When he got arrested and then sent off to prison when he was eighteen, it was my fault. I couldn't save him. And then I failed him again when I kicked him out of the house. I'm responsible for Buddy's miserable life." There. He'd admitted it. That he was a failure. Didn't feel any better to finally say it out loud after all these years. "I let him down."
Josie flung the pillow aside and sat up. "Did it ever occur to you to let Buddy take some of the responsibility?"
Evan frowned. "I was left in charge of him and I screwed up."
"You were a kid. You had the same parents and you turned out okay. Why can't Buddy take some responsibility for his life? Especially as an adult? Why do you have to keep trying so hard?"
"Because he's my brother."
"So?"
"I love him."
"A man who can admit love." She sighed. "How did I get so miserably lucky? Boggles the mind. Sexy, smart, kind, and loving. And yet, somehow I have to figure out how to dislike you."
He said nothing. Just grabbed her and pulled her against him.
"So, when we find Buddy, you're going to foist me off onto him, aren't you?"
He closed his eyes and concentrated on her heart beating against him. "Yes."
"And what if we never find him?"
He opened his eyes. What if we never find him? He turned his head and looked at Josie. Her eyebrows lifted in question. "I don't know," he said.
"Maybe we keep going as we are and see how it turns out."
Yes. No. It was wrong.
"You've already made love to me. You can't take it back," she said.
"I know."
"It's not like we'll fall in love. I still have three years before I can care about a guy again. It would just be sex."
; He grinned. "Very good sex."
"The best." She tilted her head. "So? What about us?"
What indeed?
Chapter 24
Jiggling her knees, Josie impatiently scanned the street. Where was Monica? She couldn't wait anymore. She needed advice!
There had been none of the aloof "morning after" problems this morning. Evan had joined her in the shower, made her breakfast, and promised to be home in time for an early dinner.
Sure, they hadn't talked about the "what if" any further, but it certainly seemed like they'd come to an understanding.
An understanding that would most likely not result in her spending much time in her own bed.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
"Josie! There you are!" Monica rushed along the sidewalk, still wearing her smock from the clinic, where she was still employed because she had the good sense not to date thieves. "I'm so glad you got my message to meet here!"
The message Monica had left yesterday that Josie hadn't checked until this morning, due to the distraction of Evan's lovemaking. "Sorry I didn't call you back last night..."
"No problem. I wanted to talk in person." She nodded toward the café. "Let's go in."
"I'm glad you called. I need to talk to you, too."
Monica rolled her eyes. "You have nothing on me. You won't believe what I have to tell you."
"Can we sit on the patio so I can keep an eye on my bike? I don't have a lock."
No lock wasn't a good idea, but she didn't have the money to pay for it.
Speaking of that...she really needed a job. Whoa. A job. She'd been so caught up in this whole Evan thing she'd totally gone into denial about the rest of her life. School started in eight weeks, and she didn't have a job!
She still had her list of positions from the Sunday paper, but she hadn't popped into any of the clinics yet because she was afraid they'd ask her for a reference. What was she supposed to say? Hi, I worked there for six years and they fired me without a reference? Humiliating, embarrassing, and hopeless.
It took less than two minutes to get seated within viewing distance of her bike. The instant they were seated, Monica opened her mouth to talk, her eyes tense and her eyebrows working overtime. "Josie..."
"I slept with Evan."
Shock. There was no other word to describe the look on her best friend's face. "You did what?"
"Actually, the first time was last week, but he blew me off. And then last night...new milestone. I think it's the start of something." She jiggled her knees nervously under the table. "But it's really bad."
"Bad sex?"
"God, no. Great sex." She leaned forward and lowered her voice. "I like him." There. She'd said it. "I really like him." Whee! It sounded brilliant, didn't it? "I could love him." Love. Terrifying. "What am I going to do? You think that if he falls in love with me by the time Buddy gets back, that he'll change his mind? It's not like I'm going to date Buddy anyway."
"Josie..."
"Or am I being stupid again? Because I don't think that matters. I don't think I can stop. Even my family likes him. Did I tell you that my family thinks we're engaged? And I helped him get a big client. He loved that. I could help him! We could be a team! What do you think? You kept saying I should give men a chance, right? So, what if I do? Wrong? Dumb? Daring? I don't know what to do!" She stopped and took a deep breath. "What's wrong with you?"
Monica had turned a strange shade of white and was looking rather ill. "You think you love Evan?"
"I could love him. There's a difference. We just need time." Time. Where would they be in a month? Five months?
"Run."
Her grin faded. "Run? You think I should run?" But she didn't want to run. "I...I mean...I think I like him. And he might like me...he just needs to deal with the guilt he has over his brother. But it might have a chance." Monica shook her head, and Josie sagged even further. "But..."
"He's back."
"Who?"
"Buddy."
No. It was impossible. "Back where? In prison?"
"Sorry, hon. He's back in town and he's looking for you."
This was so not the time for this news. There was a cannonball in her stomach and her body felt too heavy to move. Open mouth. Move lips. "What are you talking about?"
"He's been to the apartment and to the clinic looking for you, but obviously, you aren't there anymore. He came by three times yesterday. And this morning he was camped out in front of my door, so I had to go out the fire escape so he wouldn't be able to follow me."
"What does he want?" Sick. She felt so sick.
"I have no idea. I slam the door in his face whenever I get the chance."
"I appreciate that." She was starting to feel woozy. Which was natural, of course, since the room was spinning.
"Anything for you." Monica tore a sugar packet and dumped it into her iced tea. "What if he's been born again or something, and is here to give you back everything he took?"
Don't think about Evan. Think about the money, and the waffle iron. "I sincerely doubt that. He's probably used up all my money, and hocked my waffle iron and car for the cash. Thinks he can sweet-talk his way into forgiveness and have me support him. No chance of that." And what if he had brought back everything? What then? Evan would be vindicated.
"This is terrible." She let her head drop to the table and closed her eyes. "What am I going to do?"
"Which is more important? Evan or your money?"
"Technically, I don't have to worry about my money since Evan said he'd pay for my school." She wondered if it would do any good to crawl into her bed for the next ten years and have her mother bring her food on a monthly basis.
"Give me a break. You're not going to take that kind of money from a man."
She wasn't?
"Imagine how indebted you'd be. Forget it. No way."
"But it was a bet." Could she sound any whinier?
Monica set down her iced tea and gave her a stern look. "Get yourself together, woman! Look at you, all hunched up, being pathetic and whiny. What happened to the New Josie?"
"I killed her?"
"Unacceptable! So, you had some great sex with a hot man. This is Evan we're talking about. The man who called you a liar. Has he apologized yet?"
"Um...not really."
"Has he admitted that you were telling the truth?"
"Not in so many words."
"In any words?"
Josie wrinkled her nose. "No." But he was so nice...and she was falling in love with him...
"You're vulnerable. You've never had good sex in your life. Evan offered you security by solving your financial problems and letting you live in his house. Of course you'd convince yourself you were in love with him. But that's why you're not allowed to date for three years! Because you're not in any state to make any decisions about men!"
"I thought you didn't like my three-year plan," she pouted. She was pouting? She wasn't a pouter! Only weak women pouted!
"Obviously, I was wrong. You're a pathetic mess and you don't deserve to have a man right now." Monica glared at a waitress who dared approach, sending her scurrying away. "Buddy stole ninety grand from you. And your car. And your waffle iron. And you're sad he's back because you might lose precious Evan who can't even apologize or commit? Evan who would probably dump you if Buddy came back, even if you were married and pregnant with his child? Get some pride, Josie!" Monica slammed her fist down, her cheeks flushed. "Got it?"
Josie eyed her friend. "Did you take a hit of caffeine or something?"
Monica grinned. "I was pretty convincing, huh? You don't dare be a pathetic loser anymore, do you?"
"I was really being pathetic?"
"More than a little."
Damn. That was no good. Why couldn't she be with a man and still be strong, still be true to her own needs? "Men suck."
"Amen to that." Monica held up her iced tea. "To finally realizing the truth."
"I want my money back."
>
"There you go."
"And my waffle iron."
"You go girl!"
"And my car."
"Right on!"
"And I won't take Evan's money."
"Yee haw!"
"And if Evan ditches me for Buddy, I'll crawl under a rock for seventeen years and pine away in misery."
Monica set her glass down heavily. "You were supposed to say you don't care if you ever see Evan again because you don't need him or like him and you are an independent rock."
"Back off, Mo. I'm getting there." Josie lifted her chin. She could do this. Get her money back. Be strong if Evan chose Buddy over her. But she wasn't going to completely give up. Maybe she could have it all. If she had more time, surely she could figure something out. "Keep Buddy away from me."
"I'd think you'd at least want to meet with Buddy so you could have the chance to yell at him and let Zeus claw his head for a while."
Josie grinned. "You do have a point."
"Want me to set it up? Then you have control." Monica pursed her lips. "Imagine what he'd think if he found out you're living with Evan? Maybe he'd take off without returning anything."
And maybe he'd never come back, and she and Evan would be together forever.
"Josie."
"What?"
"You really want Evan halfway? Knowing that he's not committed? Knowing he's looking over his shoulder for Buddy all the time? Don't you deserve more than that?"
She eyed her friend. "How do you know what I'm thinking?"
Monica grinned. "Is that a 'Yes, Monica. I agree with you. You're so brilliant I'll always listen to everything you tell me for the rest of my life?'"
"Hardly." Josie took a deep breath. "Set it up."
"Are you going to tell Evan he's back?"
"I don't know." It was probably something she needed to figure out pretty quick. It wasn't like her entire future happiness was riding on the decision or anything.
She narrowed her eyes. What was she doing, giving one man the power to control her future happiness? Weak! Pathetic! Completely unacceptable! She was an Amazon! A pillar of strength! She was going to go sign up for sword fighting classes. It was obviously the only solution.
Tonight? It was too soon. Too soon, too soon, too soon. She wasn't prepared. How could she face Buddy? She hadn't even decided whether to tell Evan she was going. It had only been three hours since she'd even found out Buddy was back. Way too soon for her slow-witted brain to come to any useful conclusions whatsoever.
Paws Up for Love Page 18