by Abra Ebner
“What do you think you’re doing!” I heard him yell behind me.
What do you think? I retorted, caring nothing for the fact that I was in the form of a rare and mythical bird.
I heard a distinct growl as he found himself helpless to stop me as I dove toward the buildings and he tilted and turned away, afraid to be seen by the students that moved like small pawns across the gravel paths.
With clumsy effort, I fanned myself down onto the roof of the hatchery, feeling my talons scrape into the wood roof with surprising ease, as though cutting through the frosting of a gingerbread village. I struggled to gather my wings behind me as I shot my eyes around the compound, searching for a familiar face.
I worked to recollect the time of day and found that based on the position of the sun overhead, it was roughly noon. With anxious haste, I released my grip on the roof and lifted myself skyward where I fanned myself toward the cafeteria, thinking that it wouldn’t be long until Sam would hunt me down. My wings banked toward the windows as they swirled me down on the backside of the structure where I landed on a pile of crispy pine needles that were mounded on the ground next to the window of the open dining space. My body bounced and I struggled to right myself, finding my wings were of little use as hands.
We had always sat in the far back corner, and my sharp eyes caught sight of the familiar table as it backed up to the glass. My heart leapt in excitement as I saw the silhouette of two people sitting there, locked in vivid conversation. With slow diligence, I hopped closer to the glass, trying not to reveal myself though I knew at some point, someone was bound to notice.
As I approached, I gently placed my beak against the pane, looking up between the grids to the faces that sat there. My chest heaved with sudden recognition as I looked into the familiar faces of both Sarah and Scott, my chest fuming with the warmth of a friend. Forgetting my bird-like state, I began tapping on the window with my beak, attempting to get their attention in a way that was both insane, and frantic.
They stopped what they were doing as they both looked at me, their faces filled with sudden surprise as Sarah brought a hand to her mouth and gasped, pointing at me with her other. Now that I had their attention, I found myself embarrassed as I realized how odd I must look to them and began to wish that I could somehow tell them it was me. I gave them a few rapid blinks as I stepped away, looking toward the building and sky, pretending to be stunned as though I’d hit the window like a normal bird would. As anticipated, they smiled and waved like idiots, thinking I was cute.
I missed them so much, but only now did I realize how important it was to come back, I needed them. The rest of the cafeteria began to take notice, and I realized it was time to leave before I managed to cause too much commotion and reveal my existence to everyone. Falling back, my wings fanned the thick air in clumsy strokes and I lifted myself up and away from view.
Cutting to the left around the pine tree, my body maneuvered itself toward the bird lab where I perched on the roof, my talons digging into the metal sheeting. My sharp eyes scanned the grounds, finding them empty as everyone was now at lunch and I was safe to rest. I sighed with a heavy heart, remembering everything about the last year and the whirlwind direction my life had now taken.
A door under me slammed and I jumped back. I heard heavy footsteps crunch through the gravel below me and I stepped forward, positioning myself on the ledge. Leaning over, I peered down onto the path to see who had created such a powerful disruption. As my eyes locked onto the figure, my mind became thick and dazed. I blinked hard, tilting my head to get a closer look at the impossible figure now storming toward the cafeteria, his every move exactly the same, and his eerie existence sending chills down my spine.
Edgar? What? My body began to shake from the rush of adrenaline, fear shaking my core with both love and trickery.
Suddenly, I felt my body lurch as I was ripped from the roof.
“You’re coming with me,” I recognized Sam’s voice as his cold hands clasped around me, shocking me as my body once again felt human and I was now cradled in his cold grasp.
“No Sam!” I yelled, writhing in his arms, my feet and hands flailing in my attempt to get away, to make him let go. “Take me back, it was Edgar!” I tried to free myself mid-air, now confident that I knew how to fly.
“You’re seeing things Elly, that’s not him. I promise.” His voice was laced with lies.
“Yes it was Sam! It was him, I’d know his face anywhere!” I felt as tears began to stream down my cheeks as I struggled to get another glance, even though by now, we were far across the lake, gently banking around toward the meadow.
“Elly please,” he whispered as we dove down toward the opening.
My mind seared with hate and confusion. Why was he keeping me from him like this, why hadn’t he told me? If Edgar had been back this whole time, why didn’t he find me, how could he not feel my undeniable presence? The questions streamed through my mind faster that I could rationalize and my head exploded in pain.
He threw me down to the ground with a gruff hand, my body jostled by the blow and my mind halting. I could tell the searing questions had irritated Sam’s mind as well, his brow furled in his attempt to make me stop and calm down. I winced before I righted myself, climbed to my feet like a frantic mad man. With unstoppable determination and haste I began to run toward the college but Sam’s iron cold hands clasped like handcuffs around my wrists, halting me before I made one step, his thoughts anticipating my next move. I struggled against his confines, feeling my skin tearing as insanity took over all thought.
Sam’s hand dug into my arm as he whipped me back where I fell to the ground, finding my head now dazed as it knocked hard against the earth. A shadow fell over me as Sam loomed above, his wings forming a cage around me, prepared to grab me if I chose to run again.
“That was for your own good Elly. I’m sorry.” His feet were beside my head as the grass rustled as it grew around me. His face was locked in a stone stare as his amber eyes became cold and determined.
“But Edgar,” I whimpered.
“It’s not Edgar,” he said again, thwarting my thoughts before they even had time to form.
I narrowed my eyes at him as I pulled myself into a ball, feeling completely exposed and saddened. It had been him, I saw it. The cuts on my wrists from his tight grasp now bled warm liquid into the earth, the flowers drinking it with haste. My body shook with the real feeling of the moment, the reality that made no sense. My mind screamed for an explanation, yelling out in anguish.
“It’s his hologram Elle.” Sam’s answer sent a hallowed bullet through my heart as it remembered the facts of last winter. He put one foot on my hands and pressed them into the earth as I looked to the woods, my mind gravitating toward the college like a drunken martyr. “You remember. He made it last winter, and now the hologram is here forever, like an echo. It’s not real. He created it thinking he’d always be here. It’s just a mere programmed image. It cannot react with you the same way Edgar had,” he paused, his voice becoming deep, “Ever.”
My breathing began to slow and I felt my heart sink. Just seeing Edgar’s face like that, so alive, had made my heart swoon. I didn’t care if it was a programmed image, I needed to see it. I felt like a drug addict, the withdrawals driving me insane and making me crave its synthetic existence with an irrational feeling of emptiness.
Sam reached down and grabbed my shoulders, lifting me to my feet. I felt ashamed by my sudden animal reactions and I looked Sam in the eyes. With all the feelings overwhelming me, I had nearly forgotten the task of flying and the fact that I had mastered it. I watched Sam’s face with careful diligence, finding there was a spark of something in his eye, something resembling pity, but also understanding.
“I’m sorry it happened this way Elle. I should have told you sooner.” He smirked then, and I gave him a confused expression, finding the smirk had no place in our current conversation. “But I think before we discuss it further, we should
get you some clothes.”
Horrified, I looked down at my body, realizing I was completely naked except for my rather tattered underwear. “How…” Edgar had been able to keep his clothes, why hadn’t I? I looked at my blood stained wrists, the cuts now almost healed.
“Looks like we still have a few kinks to work out,” Sam laughed. “Not that I’m not ok with this though,” he pointed toward me.
I glowered at him as I tried to wrap my arms around my chest and thighs to shield myself. “Let’s just go, ok?” I snapped, hobbling to the middle of the field where I felt both warn and embarrassed.
OBSESSION
“Could you please go stand someplace else?” I was begging at this point.
“But I wanted to talk to you, you know I don’t care. Your explicit nudity does nothing for me, though I know you wish it did.” Sam winked, his arms crossed against his chest as he leaned against the wall of the sitting room.
An angry lump rose in my throat, “Seriously Sam, please. If you don’t, I’m going to march my way back down to that college and slap Edgar across the face, if I can.”
Sam chuckled as he backed around the corner and into the hall. A sharp exhale escaped my tired lips as I wriggled on a pair of jeans and pulled a thermal shirt over my head. Isabelle was lounging on the couch where her wings were sprawled in an awkward manner and her head was resting on a pile of dirty clothes. I hadn’t seen Henry in a few hours and I wondered if he had also been surprised by the hologram of Edgar.
My body shuddered as my mind flashed back to when I sat perched on the roof, seeing the ghost of my true love wandering around as though nothing had changed. The angry lump in my throat only grew as I thought about Sam’s lies. He knew how important Edgar was to me, why hadn’t he told me about it?
“I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you would obsess over it, instead of getting over him and moving on.” Sam’s voice echoed from the hall. “Really Elle, it’s just a hologram, it’s not even that impressive.”
I growled under my breath, “That’s not really your decision to make Sam. I don’t need mental protection too. I would appreciate it if you could just stick to making sure I don’t die.”
He sauntered back into the room where he squeezed onto the couch next to Isabelle. “Whatever you say, but don’t expect me to give you anymore advice.”
“Good, I don’t need it. I never did.” I started cleaning up my mess of clothes and books from the floor in my destructive path of fury. “And if I want to go down there and see my human friends, I will. You’re not my captor.” I shoved a pile of laundry into a basket in the corner.
“Whatever. Human lover,” he snorted, looking quite pleased with himself.
I stopped then, a pile of books in my hand. “Whatever happened to you anyways? I know you used to be human, so what’s your problem? Why do you hate them so much?” I pressed the books onto the shelf, pleading for them to fit.
His mouth sank into a solemn line and he shrugged at a loss of words. I had caught him off guard, his inability to hide the pain leaving him exposed and helpless. I felt a little guilty as I watched him, feeling as though my remark had been no better than his often piercing blows and I never wanted to do that to anyone. I shooed Isabelle off the couch as she snapped at me with lethargic eyes. Slowly easing my body down next to Sam, I concentrated on his face, finding it a rare commodity.
“What happened?” I urged with a careful mind, my anger now fading to understanding.
It was difficult to see Sam at such a loss for words when he was often so witty and quick. I figured he would have given me a sharp repulsive answer, I hadn’t expected that he’d actually clam up over it. He sighed, drawing his eyes up from his lap to mine. I gave him a tiny smile as I reached for his hand, feeling how the cold clammy skin made me shiver as I began rubbing it out of habit in my attempt to make it warm.
“I died.” The words were flat and cold, with no hint of sarcasm. His mouth was still a straight line, the closest I’d ever seen to a frown. “I died due to the human need for violence, and hate. This is why I can’t stand humans; they waste everything as though it means nothing. Life is so special, so amazing. There are so many things worth experiencing, things that I never will.” He squeezed my hand in his and I held back the urge to pull it away as it began to go numb from the cold, amazed by the amount of feeling that now poured out of him.
“Why did it happen?” I urged, finding this rare moment worth taking advantage of.
“Why did I save the girl you mean?” he smirked.
“Yeah.” Edgar had told me he’d died protecting a girl, but I never knew the whole story, so I never understood the significance.
He laughed, “Because Elle, you should know better than anyone. I loved her. I loved her so much. Even though I was only twenty, it didn’t matter. When you’ve found your soul-mate, you just know.”
I smiled as tears welled in my eyes at the mention of soul-mates. I was a sucker for love, especially now.
He sighed. “I had already decided that we would be together forever, that she was the one. After all my mistakes with love and life, it was evident that she was someone different, someone that could change me into a better person.” His eyes looked into mine with a light I’d never seen as though tears had formed into ice, glazing his eyes like contacts. “She’s still alive you know,” he squeezed my hand tighter.
“She is?” I gasped, amazed by how much restraint and pain he was enduring.
“Yeah. She still thinks about me too, but I can’t let her see me. Could you imagine how shocking that would be?”
I nodded, noting the thought as something I had literally just experienced and realizing that, had I not known of the magical things that could now exist, it would have rendered me insane, as it nearly had already.
Sam smiled, reading my thoughts. “I didn’t die that long ago you know. It was only 1962. So that makes her sixty six.” A look of frustration crossed his face, “I died for her, I gave up everything, and you know what she did? She moved on three months later. She got married within the year, and two years after that, she had kids.”
My heart split at the thought, “That’s horrible!”
He nodded, “But no matter how much I try to hate her, I can’t. She’s only human after all, weak and impressionable.” He shook his head as though disagreeing with himself, “I don’t think she really loves him though, not the way she loved me, or at least that’s what she thinks about. She wonders what life could have been like if I hadn’t died. If we had a life now, instead of her and that James guy.” He snorted. “But that’s the way it was always meant to be, this was our fate.”
I said nothing as he paused.
“The funniest thing though, and I wish you could have been there,” he raised one eyebrow and pointed at me with a sharp hand. “One day, I met James at the bar. It was his bachelor party and I scared him so bad that he nearly left her at the altar. I wanted to make sure he was worthy enough to be with her forever.”
I chuckled, “So what did you do?”
“I threatened him, naturally. I told him that if he ever did anything to her, I’d rip him limb from limb. At first he didn’t believe me, but then I placed his fork in my hand and crumpled it in one swift and easy movement. I watched him sweat, his thoughts mortally terrified. From that moment on I knew he was convinced.”
I made a move to ask if James had ever told her about the incident, but Sam beat me to it.
“Of course I also threatened that if he ever told her about me, I’d have to kill him. The poor guy got so nervous he began puking! Poor chap. Good thing is, ever since then, he’s been mostly good to her.”
“Mostly? What does that mean?” I gasped as my eyes became wide with amazement.
A vindictive sneer grew from his once solemn mask, “One Christmas, he failed to get her a present. I knew this, of course, because I was always listening to their thoughts, not that I really had too though, she was yelling pretty loudly. Long story
short, I met him out by the trash can one night when he was taking out the empty Christmas boxes. Needless to say, he ended up, ‘tripping over the curb and breaking his leg,’ and now he believes me, even got her a diamond the following day.”
I rolled with laughter, “Sam that’s horrible!” I yelped, struggling to catch my breath, “Then what happened? Why don’t you see her anymore?”
He shrugged, “It wasn’t healthy. The gods are evil to do this to me, but I really didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t have let her get shot because then we’d be in the same place, but with different roles so I’m happy that it’s me here now, and not her. She will always be the beautiful girl she always was, even when I see her in her old age, all I see is the face I once loved.” He sighed and looked at me with an apologetic face. “But this is why I kept the secret about Edgar’s hologram. It’s not healthy to obsess over something that is no longer yours.”
A heavy exhale seeped passed my lips and I looked into my lap, “But what’s the harm? Really, it’s not like I can hurt him. I can’t even touch him. The hologram is nothing more than a cloud of air.” My attempt to justify the situation was not making me seem any less deranged.
He shrugged, “It’s your call, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He gave me a playful punch on the shoulder. “I just don’t want to be spending all my waking hours following you around while you waste your time stalking a ghost.”
We both began laughing with unease. I could see how uncomfortable it was for Sam to talk about his true love, and I suppose I could understand.
“What was her name?” I asked.
He smiled as though remembering something amazing, “Jill.”
I watched as his eyes glazed over, and for the first time I thought I saw him feel love. Being sorry for him was not the answer, he knew what he had done, and frankly, he didn’t really seem to feel all that sorry for himself. I sighed as I sat there watching him, it felt good to know he had a soft spot, something I could use against him, as horrible as that sounds.